Chapter Ten

1. Paragraph begins with: And the way he gives that up for me…

Alexis:This is another one of those moments where I wanted to show that Toby's inexperience wasn't an impediment to his dominance. I mean, I didn't think it was appropriate to set up a situation where he had to prove himself—that would make me no better than the crowd in this scene—but it was important to me that we get to see very clearly just how capable Toby is of looking out for Laurie not just as his partner but as his dom. That he can and will protect Laurie when Laurie might not be capable of protecting himself.

2. Paragraph begins with: I'm kind of bummed to learn that's still a thing that happens in your thirties.

Alexis:ME TOO, TOBY. ME TOO.

3. Paragraph begins with: All because my weekend with Laurie is over…

Alexis:I think when you're, you know, old and withered as I am these days, it's really easy to look back on your distant youth as a time of infinite glittering potential. But that elides, in the name of nostalgia, how fucking powerless being young can feel sometimes and how stuck you can get.

4. Paragraph begins with: In the end I go to the back of the kitchen…

Alexis:Having worked several catering jobs, I am still haunted by the memory of the industrial tubs of mayo. I honestly think there are few things more depressing, and more horrifying, in the world. And I say this as someone who likes mayo. But once you've beheld a bucket of the stuff—wobbling and off-white and smelling of powdered egg—you will be forever changed. And not in a good way.

Thus Toby hiding next to the heavy duty mayo and crying feels to me like an extremely vivid image of a soul in torment. Your mileage may vary depending on your exposure to industrial mayonnaise.

5. Paragraph begins with: The next orders come in quickly…

Alexis:I like to feel my kinky book covers a fair bit of kinky ground. But can we please take a moment to note that competence kink has entered the building.

6. Paragraph begins with: "Why won't you look at me? What's wrong with you?"

Alexis:Toby is a huge mess here, and Laurie is not…as helpful as he could be. I know we're at a 70 percent breakup moment, but I hope it feels true to where the characters are and what they're going through. I don't mean to be all "ahhh the irrationality of grief" when it comes to Toby's meltdown but, well, grief can be irrational and it's been building for a while. Combined with his uncertainties about his future and his uncertainties about Laurie, it's a cri de coeur cocktail.

7. Paragraph begins with: I stare at Laurie, who looks pale…

Alexis:I seem to return semi-often to characters who are resistant to saying I love you. Whether it's about Barthes or not. I think I've even written a couple of books where the characters don't say it to each other at all. But it also feels important to me to have characters who are explicitly looking for the words—not an approximation of them, or actions that amount to them—and get them. Not because I think saying "I love you" is either necessary or magic but because loving someone is about seeing who they are and understanding what they need.