Chapter 20

twenty

Lily

November

After the embarrassing display at Piper's ceremony, I found myself feeling even more untethered than ever. The panic I felt hadn't happened in years, which I blame New Jersey for completely. Once River left and I started to engage with more content on anxiety, the memes for the gifted kid burn out syndrome to Autism/ADHD pipeline came at me full force. With how the algorithm works, my content was becoming practically single minded: understanding what neurodivergence is, then laughing at how many smart kids were missed. In addition to the videos and infographics, every few stories an ad for virtual therapy would surface until I figured it was time to try this again.

My first foray into therapy was helpful, but then life got busy and I focused on rapidly expanding business. It fell to the side, but being home, questioning if I was okay continuing to miss things, combined with the way I feel personally attacked by the algorithm, I know it's time to get back into it.

I met Dorothea through one of these services and we started weekly video chat sessions. I'm working hard to unpack the events that landed me here: my childhood, parental relationships, Grant, the last ten years, what I think I want for the next ten.

"Dorothea, can TikTok videos lead to accurate self diagnosis?" I dip my toe in; the question that has been weighing on me for a while now.

Dorothea gives me the look that I've come to learn means to elaborate a bit.

"So like," I twist my fingers into the fringes on my scarf as my foot bounces until I change from sitting with my legs dangling off the chair to sitting in lotus with my legs crossed under me. A deep calming breath in, and on the exhale I try again, "River recently came to visit and we talked about how I act when I am in our hometown is different from how we were when it was just us, far away from there. After that, these videos keep coming my way. There's gifted kid burn out, good girl syndrome, and then more extreme terms like emotional abuse, neurodiversity, ADHD, Autism Spectrum, Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I was curious if there's any validity to the algorithm sending this all my way?"

As is her style, she asks me to think about where some of these questions may be coming from. So together we break down as much of the complicated mess in the remaining half hour. The following week, we pick up in the same place again, as I comb through the young Lily who triggered my giggle fit: a carefree girl playing with River out of sight from parental eyes, but always reaching for teachers and parents approval, then the young woman who got married immediately after high school.

"Well, if good girls are people pleasers who struggle to speak up for themselves for fear of upsetting others or being socially rejected and focus on their loyalty and warm obedience, that is a lot of who I was when I first left home. So of all the titles, yes, being a pathological people pleaser is definitely on my list of traits. However, is that a bad thing? I always see it as a focus on putting kindness out into the world, not instigating when there's no need to cause trouble. I'm not really concerned about it, I think." Wow , even I don't believe me there.

Dorothea's skeptical face flashes momentarily, before she resumes a neutral look, "If you aren't concerned about it, then is it important to discuss? "

Sighing, "Well," I draw out the word before admitting, "no, it's not always a positive. Sometimes, my need to be liked has meant that I do things like date people who I know are not looking for something serious. Except, every fucking time! Oops," I clap my hand over my mouth, "Sorry, I didn't mean to curse."

"Keep going, don't apologize," she encourages, so I do.

"It's just that I've watched a few times over how these ‘casual' partners play house with me. We get together and agree it's just for fun, but then we're attached quickly. We're always together, and I start to feel like maybe I don't have to always be alone. Except, I end up alone," I sheepishly admit.

"What do you mean that you are always alone?" she gently prods as I stare off into space after that admission.

This is really hard. "Umm, well." I'm twisting inside trying to figure out what to say to her. "I just wish that I knew someone else finds me worth sticking around for." It's out before I can hold back. I'm fidgeting, and unable to still myself, I adjust my posture again a few more times but nothing brings me comfort.

"Who told you that you were not worth sticking around for?" Dorothea's eyes are soft, there's no judgment but she's skeptical.

"Umm, nobody said it exactly, but, my folks and the entire town took Grant's side. I was berated with questions about how I didn't perform as a wife, and holes were poked into every corner of my actions." I pause, my anger rising.

"But, I really don't think I could do anything to prevent him from leaving me. I could have tried to say no more: when our moms pushed me to delay college, when they pushed me to have the wedding so quickly, and so on.

"But, then again, I was young and naive enough to think playing house would be an adventure. I figured we were adults on paper, so we were in charge. I didn't realize how little power or control over my own life I would have in that setting. Since I left, since high school ended, I've floated from place to place and thing to thing. Sometimes, I mean, sometimes, it is amazing. I have been able to keep my whole life in my Wrangler, Peter Pan is always at my side so I'm never lonely. Except, sometimes, I am lonely. I can't understand how my parents are so angry that they won't speak to me. My mom walked away like I was made of air when I saw her in September. That hurt. A lot…" I drift and stall, unsure what to do now. That was a lot of honesty.

"That was really brave of you," she encourages me, "and a lot of honesty."

Damn, did she read my mind? Can she tell me what to do next too then, because that would be amazing.

"Unfortunately, I can't tell you what to do from here because that would be someone else to please for you. Someone else whose opinion you either weigh more important than your own, or someone to run from. Instead, I want to know what an adventurous and entrepreneurial woman like you sees that makes you ask about each of these diagnoses? What feels true to you, and what feels like a stretch. Take the next week, since our time is just about up, and write it all down. When we meet again we can compare your feelings with what I've observed the last few weeks, and come up with a plan together."