19. Sebastian

19

SEBASTIAN

Reaching back, he gripped my cock and fit it between his cheeks. "I'm going to ride you until your eyes roll back and you come inside me."

I tightened my grip on his hips, my heart pounding in my chest and my breaths coming out in sharp bursts.

He looked incredible over me. It was true he was gorgeous, but it was his confidence and the way he knew exactly how hard to push without going too far that was scrambling my brain.

An involuntary groan left me when he notched my cockhead against his hole, and I moved one hand from his hip to his cock.

"Cheater," he chastised when I gave him a long, hard stroke.

"Not cheating, just reminding you who's going to win." I stroked him faster.

A groan rumbled out from his chest as he sank down on me.

I kept stroking his cock, letting him set the pace as he moved inch by incredible inch until he was sitting on my thighs.

"Jesus, Jess." I let out a shuddering breath.

"Feel good?"

"Too good."

A sly grin slid over his lips. "Too good, huh?" He clenched around me.

Stars exploded in my vision. Then he started to ride me in earnest.

Watching Jesse take what he needed from me, his strong hands on my chest and his body hitting mine with enough force we bounced on the cushions, was almost too much.

I hadn't been prepared for what seeing his face would do to me. The feeling of intimacy it would create.

I liked it, even though I knew I shouldn't.

This was just sex between two guys who used to hate each other and were now in a weird friends-but-not-friends type of arrangement.

Tonight might be different from the other times we hooked up, but it could all be chalked up to extraordinary circumstances.

And this was the first time we didn't have to worry about party guests or clubgoers interrupting us. Where we could take our time and drive each other wild instead of just driving each other crazy.

Our eyes locked, and Jesse's hips slowed until he was grinding over me. "You look good under me."

"You look good up there." I traced my eyes over his sharp jaw, full lips, and those blue eyes that were so full of life they were hard to look away from. "I always hated that I thought you were hot."

He huffed out a laugh, clenching around me in the process.

"Jesus." I bit my lip to keep from coming.

"I'm going to get a complex if you keep calling me that." He knocked my hand off his dick and lay over me, rubbing his cock against my abs with each grind of his hips. "My name is Jesse."

"Not according to my phone." I squeezed a handful of his ass, trying to force him to move over me properly.

The grinding felt amazing, but it wasn't enough.

"I hated that I thought you were hot too. It used to piss me off that I wanted you."

This time it was my turn to laugh. "You were damn good at hiding it."

"So were you. I had no idea you were into guys until you told me." He pecked a kiss against my lips.

We both froze at the affectionate move.

Slowly, Jesse sat back, his face an unreadable mask.

A part of me wanted to grab him, tug him back down on me, and kiss him until we both came.

But that wasn't what this was about.

So I lay passively under him, waiting to see what he would do next.

Jesse started rocking over me, taking me in shallow thrusts.

Wanting to get back to the energy we had before, I gripped his dick and worked him in time with the rise and fall of his hips.

He sighed and moved faster, his body relaxing and his expression tight with pleasure.

I was getting close, and I wasn't exactly sure what was pushing me there. Jesse felt incredible, and he looked hotter than sin, but the tightness in my chest and the strange feeling in my stomach weren't from the sex.

Not wanting to get lost in my feelings—and not sure I was ready to fully admit those feelings were there—I planted my heels on the cushions, my knees bent so I had some leverage.

Still stroking him, I thrust my hips up, driving into him.

I wasn't able to go as hard as I wanted because of the overly soft cushions, but Jesse didn't seem to mind as he held himself over me, one hand braced on the back of the couch and the other on my chest.

"Fuck, Bas. Yes. Like that," he chanted, his face a mask of pleasure as he let me fuck him.

My thighs burned from the exertion, and my stomach muscles trembled, but I pushed through it. I was so close I could feel my orgasm creeping closer, but I wasn't about to give in.

Not until Jesse came first.

"Oh god." He batted my hand away from his dick and leaned forward, clenching around me in a deliberate way that made him gasp and me see stars.

"You're close," I gritted out.

"So are you." He let out a strangled cry that nearly sent me over the edge. "God, you feel good."

"So do you." I trailed my hands over his hips and sides, enjoying his soft skin under my palms.

The gentle touch seemed at odds with how I was fucking him, but I couldn't stop stroking him, needing that extra connection.

"Oh fuck." He squeezed his eyes closed. "Bas, I'm?—"

His cry was cut off as he shuddered over me, his ass clenching and rippling around my length.

Holy shit. Was he about to come hands-free again?

With another strangled cry, he jerked, then ground down on me, shooting all over my chest and stomach as he came.

That was enough to tip me over the edge. As much as I wanted to watch him, my eyes rolled back as pleasure overtook me, and I gave in to my orgasm with a low, rumbling groan.

The world around us flickered in and out of frame for a second, then Jesse collapsed on me in a sweaty, satisfied heap.

Still not fully with it, I turned my head and caught his lips in a deep, languid kiss.

We lay like that for a long time, our kisses slowing until we eventually pulled apart so we could pull in some much-needed breaths.

"You came hands-free again," I said stupidly, my brain still a bit scrambled from my orgasm.

"I did." He nuzzled my cheek with his nose. "Guess your dick really is magic."

"Glad you can admit it." I wrapped my arms around him and held tight, needing that extra closeness.

"You're a cuddler?" He sounded surprised.

"Yup. Got a problem with that?"

"No. Let me just…" Slowly, he lifted his hips, and my softening cock fell out of him.

A few drops of cum landed on my thigh as Jesse slid down my body and settled on me, his head tucked under my chin and one of his legs between mine.

I held him close, my brain spinning now that the afterglow was fading.

We'd gone bare.

I'd never done that with anyone before, but I didn't regret it. The decision might have been made in the heat of the moment, but I would have made the same choice no matter what the circumstances.

I trusted Jesse. And I knew what kind of person he was.

He might be aggravating and annoying and way too perfect for his own good, but he was also loyal, smart, and he loved with his whole heart. And he was far more complicated than I'd ever given him credit for.

"This should be weird." His soft voice broke the silence. "But it's not."

"No, it isn't." Absently, I pressed a kiss against his hair.

"Never took you for the cuddling type." His tone was teasing, and there was no real snark to his words.

"It's my best-kept secret. I'm a needy bastard after sex. Always have been."

"I'm usually not." He sighed heavily. "But this is nice."

"I'm sure the roaring fire and the ambient rain pattering on the windows helps you put up with my stage five clinginess," I said with a chuckle, running my fingers through his soft hair.

He let out a little sigh. "If this is stage five clinging, then I don't hate it."

A little flutter tickled my chest. Not quite nerves, but something far deeper and more profound.

"Did we make a mistake?" he asked softly.

"No." I hugged him tighter.

We lay like that for a long while. I had no idea what Jesse was thinking about, if anything, but I spent the time enjoying the cuddles and desperately trying not to think about anything beyond how good I felt.

"As much as I'm loving the cuddly version of Sebastian, I'm going to have to get up soon. Things are drying and getting uncomfortable."

Reluctantly, I let him go. "Yeah. I need to clean up too."

With a lot less grace than when he'd flipped me over onto the couch, Jesse climbed off me, his thighs shaking like a newborn giraffe taking his first steps.

"Shut up." He shot me a look as I stood with what was probably a stupidly big grin on my face.

"Just admiring how wrecked you are." My eyes landed on the hickey I'd given him, the mark dark against his tanned skin. "Sorry about that."

"No, you're not."

"No, I'm really not." I grinned again.

He picked up his forgotten sweats and snapped one leg at me, the material slapping my ass with surprising accuracy.

"I forgot you played baseball for a second there." I rubbed the spot he'd gotten. "You learn that trick in the locker rooms?"

"Nope." He busied himself with pulling on his sweats. "I learned to keep my head down in locker rooms long before anyone knew I was gay. I wasn't about to give anyone ammo to get me kicked off the team or in trouble because they thought I was checking them out when they found out."

His tone was neutral, like he was telling me his grocery list, but I knew that move. He was in robot mode again, pretending he didn't feel anything so no one would know he was hurting.

"How were things on the team after…"

"I got outed?" He shook out his t-shirt, his eyes on the material. "Not great."

I hadn't really been plugged into the sports world at school, so I didn't know many details about what things had been like for him. I only knew what Ben and Ez had told me, and that had been pretty bad.

"But whatever. It's nothing compared to what Wes and Ez went through." He pulled on the shirt, his eyes darting around as he looked anywhere but at me. "I only had to deal with the verbal abuse and everyone watching me like I was some sort of pervert every time they had to show some skin around me. Even though most of the guys had known me since we were kids, they still couldn't get over the fact that I like dick, so obviously I wanted theirs."

"I hate that." I sat on the couch to pull on my socks. "How straight guys always assume that every queer man wants them. Like, they can have preferences when it comes to women, but can't wrap their brains around a gay or bi guy also having types."

"Yeah, it fucking sucks." He joined me on the couch and yanked on his socks. "But they eventually got over it."

"Did you ever find out who outed you?"

He shook his head and stood. "It doesn't matter. It's not like knowing will change the past."

"True." I pointed to the kitchen. "We can clean up in there."

Silently, we made our way to the sink. I pulled a roll of paper towels out of the cupboard, tore off a handful, and handed it to Jesse.

Cleaning up with freezing water wasn't fun, but I felt better when we were back in the living room and seated on the couch.

The fire was burning lower, the flickering flames bouncing off the walls and creating a little cocoon of light around us. The rain was gentler now too, but still strong enough that it wouldn't be worth looking at the forecast. The roads wouldn't be passable tonight, even if the rain stopped now.

"So, there's something I need to talk to you about," I started, tripping over my words a few times.

He rolled his gaze from the fire to me, his expression wary. "What?"

"I, uh, met Carl?"

He sat up like I'd zapped him with a cattle prod. "What? When? How?"

"So you know who I'm talking about." I blew out a breath. That would make things easier.

"Explain, now." His expression was as tense as I'd ever seen it.

"Remember how I said everything was fine after that night at Envy? That wasn't true. I thought someone was following me. And I was right."

"Carl was following you?"

I nodded. "I found out after a show I played last week. I confronted him in the parking lot after he got sloppy."

"What happened?" He prodded. "What did he tell you?"

"Not a lot. Well, that's not exactly true. He said a lot, but not much of it made sense without context."

His look told me to keep talking.

"He said he hired you off a website to pretend to be his boyfriend, and he fell in love with you."

"Who else have you told about this?" he demanded.

"No one." I put up my hands in surrender. "I swear."

He relaxed marginally.

"I've been trying to think of a way to ask this without actually asking it, but I'm batting a thousand."

He barked out a laugh. "Pretty sure you meant to use a different baseball metaphor. That means you're basically perfect at something."

"Well, I'm always basically perfect." I tossed him a cheeky grin.

He responded by giving me a flat look.

"But you have a point. I struck out. Does that work?"

"Just get to your question."

"Did you work as an escort?"

He stared at me for a good thirty seconds, so many emotions flashing in his eyes and on his face that I couldn't even begin to pinpoint them all. The most prominent were wariness, defeat, and suspicion. I didn't like that.

"Yes."

His simple answer wasn't what I was expecting, but it confirmed what I'd suspected.

"Are you going to ask why I did it?"

"No." I settled back on the couch. "Not my business. I'm curious as hell, but I'm not going to demand answers to questions I don't have the right to ask."

"We just fucked, and you're not going to grill me on my sexual history?"

"Why would I? You said your tests were negative. That's all I need to know. Everything before that is your business, not mine."

He bit his lip, obviously not sure what to do with my lack of questions.

The truth was, I wanted to demand answers, but not because I was judging him or because I thought I had a right to have opinions on what he did with his body. I wanted to know him better, to understand what made him tick because the Jesse I knew wouldn't have gotten involved in sex work without a reason, whatever that was.

He studied me for another full minute, his gaze piercing.

I sat passively, letting him decide what he wanted to do with the conversation.

"You really don't care?"

"Why should I? I'm curious as fuck, but you're entitled to your secrets. And before you freak out, I swear I'll take this to my grave."

He nodded slowly, his shoulders finally relaxing as he seemed to let go of some of his tension. "What happened when you talked to him?"

"Not a whole lot. It was hard to get the full story out of him, but he admitted that he was following you and saw us together at Envy."

"That was him?" Jesse's eyes went wide.

"Yup." I nodded grimly. "He figured out who I am and switched to tailing me. But when I talked to him?—"

"Talked to him like talked , or like threatened?"

"Talked. I've dealt with stalkers before, and he seemed like the type who could be reasoned with. He didn't want to hurt you. At least I didn't get that vibe."

"He's not dangerous." Jesse sighed and finally relaxed against the couch. "Just lonely and not great with people."

"That's what I gleaned too. I think I convinced him to move on."

"You did?" He shot me a surprised look.

"Pretty sure. I just told him about your many flaws." I grinned, hoping to lighten the mood. "And reminded him that what you guys had wasn't what he thought. He admitted that you never lied to him or told him it was more than whatever arrangement you had. I have no clue if it stuck, but I got his plate number in case you need his info to report him."

"I can't report him without incriminating myself." He scrubbed his hand over his face. "I thought ignoring him was the best way to discourage him, but I was obviously wrong if he confronted you."

"To be fair, I confronted him. Wait." I paused as what he said fully registered. "You knew he was stalking you?"

"Sort of." He let out a frustrated grunt and rubbed his hand through his hair, fluffing it up a bit. "He showed up at the garage a few weeks after I told him I was getting out of the business and wouldn't be able to meet anymore. Then he left some letters for me at my apartment. When I didn't respond to those, he started texting me.

"I blocked his number, but he started using burner phones or cloned numbers or something, and they just kept coming. I should have talked to him or done something other than just block the numbers and pretend like it wasn't happening, but I was so scared my secret would get out and I'd lose my job or friends or end up in jail. I panicked."

"It sounds like you were in a tough place. You did the best you could."

"Now you're telling me to be kind to myself?" He arched his eyebrow, some of his sass coming back.

"Yup. And you're going to listen because I just made you come hands-free. Again ."

He barked out a laugh. "You're never going to let that go, are you?"

"Would you?"

"No."

Silence descended on us.

"I got into some trouble a while back," he said softly, his eyes trained on the fire and his tone hesitant.

I kept quiet. I knew him, and he didn't talk about personal things. Ever. And especially not when he felt like he was being grilled or judged.

"I kinda stopped giving a shit about a lot of things," he continued, not taking his eyes off the fire. "I was pretty good at hiding it from everyone, but I was struggling. I drank too much, didn't eat properly, barely slept, and spent money I didn't have."

"When was this?"

"Four years ago."

I paused as the pieces of information kind of slid together and clicked into place.

Jesse and Adam's mom had gone no contact with them four years ago. I'd heard from my sister about how much it had devastated both men, but I'd really only heard about Adam's struggles and hadn't really considered how much it would have affected Jesse too.

"You heard about what happened with our mom back then?"

"Yeah. Not a lot of the details, but enough."

"That kind of broke me. Adam too. But everyone was so busy making sure he was okay, they forgot about me." He shrugged, his expression blank. He was barely blinking, and I doubted he was even seeing the fire anymore. "But that's typical when you're forced to become hyper-independent as a kid. People look right through you and assume you're fine because you're always fine."

He fell silent for a few beats.

"You know why my parents divorced, right?"

"Not the full story, but some of it."

He slid his gaze to mine.

"I know about her affair and that your dad moved here after everything was finalized to give you guys a fresh start, but not much else."

"It wasn't just one affair," he whispered, returning his gaze to the fire. "Did you know my parents had broken up when Mom found out she was pregnant with me? That they only got married because of me? And Adam was an oops baby too."

"I had no idea."

"Neither did I, but I remember taking a DNA test when I was seven. They told me it was just a routine thing that happened when parents split up, but it was to find out if my dad is my dad, or if I was an affair baby."

My jaw dropped.

"Adam too. He was only four at the time, so I don't think he remembers much about the divorce, but I do. I remember the fighting, the lawyers. Having to leave the house I grew up in, my school, my friends, everything." He paused. "Ever notice how Adam and I look the same, but nothing like our dad?"

My heart fell into my stomach.

"We have the same sperm donor, but it's not our dad." He slid his gaze to mine.

"When did you find out?" I asked, my throat so tight the words came out like I'd swallowed gravel.

"Four years ago." He sighed. "I overheard them arguing about it when she showed up for Adam's high school graduation after a year of ignoring us. I confronted her, and she flat out told me the only regret she has is getting caught. That Dad ruined her life when he divorced her, and he stole us from her." He let out a bitter laugh. "The same woman who didn't even fight for custody or make any effort to keep to our visitation schedule. Who only came back into our lives when she wanted something and blamed our father, the man who did fight for us and protected us as best he could, for why her life sucks and her kids don't love her."

I sat there, stunned. I hadn't heard about any of this, but that wasn't exactly surprising, considering I'd been on a European tour when all that stuff had gone down.

"Does my sister know about this?"

He nodded.

So Adam had Hannah to help him through it, and Patrick had Jonah, but from what he'd said about the drinking and money issues, Jesse hadn't had anyone.

My heart broke for him. That was a lot for anyone to deal with. I couldn't imagine having to come to terms with finding out that the man who'd raised me wasn't my biological father, especially by accident like that. And my father and I didn't even get along. But Jesse was incredibly close with his dad. Always had been.

"No one outside the family knows. Dad is our dad. Same as Jonah is our other dad and Quinn is our brother. Blood doesn't mean shit. Family are the people who step up and choose to be there for you, not the people who happen to share your DNA."

I wanted to tell him I was sorry for what he'd gone through, but I kept my mouth shut. I could tell he had more to say and didn't want to derail him with empty platitudes.

"But yeah." He cleared his throat. "I kind of got in some financial trouble after I found out the truth. Ended up with a ton of debt, had bills in collections. Almost lost my truck and had to borrow money from Ez and Wes to pay my rent so I didn't end up homeless. That was my wake-up call, but it was too late, and I was in over my head."

"Is that why you started escorting?" I asked when he paused.

He nodded slowly. "I was in a bad place, and I refused to ask my dad or Pops for help. I know they would have given me every cent I needed, but I was so angry at everyone for lying to us for years, and just angry in general, that I got it in my head that I had to fix this myself and never let them know how bad things were. I told them about getting into escorting for safety reasons, but I never told them why."

"Was it just the money that made you start?"

He rocked his knee back and forth absently. "No. It was a factor, but like I said, I wasn't in a good headspace back then. I was so angry at everyone that I didn't have the bandwidth to deal with hooking up or the games and bullshit in the dating scene. I figured escorting would be a way to make extra money and get my physical needs met without any of the emotional crap. It was business, that's it."

We lapsed into silence again.

My mind was busy processing everything I'd just learned, but it only made me want to know more. To understand all the layers and parts of Jesse he kept hidden from people.

"I didn't actually have sex with most of my clients," he said, so softly I barely heard him over the crackling fire and rain.

I slid my eyes to his profile. Slowly, he met my gaze.

"I mostly did companion arrangements."

"I'm not sure what that is," I admitted.

"They look different for everyone, but it's either a long-term or fixed-term arrangement where you give someone the boyfriend experience. I'd take them out on dates, talk on the phone or over video, send them flirty texts and ask about their day, that kind of thing. Sex wasn't part of it, except in a few cases.

"Like, I had one client whose husband died unexpectedly. He was only twenty-eight at the time, and he contacted me so I could help him ease back into dating and make sure his first sexual experience after losing his husband was good. Another client is on the autism spectrum and needs a lot of time to get to know someone before he's comfortable enough to be physical with them, so he uses escorts instead of dating. One of my clients was older and trying to figure out his sexuality after his wife left him, but he didn't have anyone he trusted enough to experiment with."

He paused to study me, most likely trying to gauge my reaction to his confessions.

I kept my face as neutral as possible. I could understand why people might prefer using a sex worker over dating, and it made sense that Jesse had gone that route.

He was a natural caretaker, and he understood people on a level most didn't. I had no doubt his clients had appreciated his care and skill during their arrangements.

"They were the only ones I slept with. The others were just guys looking for someone to listen to them, to make them feel special, or help them with their confidence. Most just wanted someone to talk to."

"That's what Carl was?"

He nodded. "He's the only one who ever blurred that line and developed feelings for me. I was already planning on quitting when I realized what was going on, but that jumpstarted things."

I didn't ask if he'd also quit because he was in a different place now and didn't need that outlet.

He'd already shared more with me in the last few hours than he had in seventeen years of knowing each other. I wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth and push things. That was the best way to make him shut down, and I liked how things were between us now.