11: DANICA

I wake up to the sound of music and lots of noise happening in the front of the cottage. A glance at the nightstand clock tells me that it's shortly after eight in the morning.

Sniffling, I sit up in bed and walk to the windows. I pull the black-out drapes open, and I see that the sun is beaming brightly, and I know that today will be another scorcher.

I thought that I saw somewhere on the forecast that rain was predicted for this afternoon.

Rubbing my eyes, I stifle a yawn and head to the bathroom. Staring into the mirror, I take in my groggy appearance and shake my head sadly.

God, I wouldn't want a magazine, paparazzi, or anyone else to catch a glimpse of my current appearance. My hair is a rat's nest, and I need a deep conditioner and cut. My skin is a darker golden hue than its normal light honey appearance, and I've gained quite a few pounds in the last almost four months since I haven't been on the show.

Heading back into the bedroom, I change out of my nightgown into running shorts and a tank top, pressing down the thought of needing something to make it through the day. After I've laced up my gym shoes, I head into the main part of the house.

I can see Zenon out on the back deck, and it looks like he's working on something. The music is loud, and I don't want to disturb him, so I head out to the front and begin running.

My habits have become addictive and unhealthy. One of the requirements that I had to do in rehab was to create a list of positive habits that I could develop to deal with the pain.

One of them was running, which is something that I used to love doing in the earlier years but stopped because I became consumed with pursuing my career.

There's only so long that I can hide out here in this cottage before I need to return to Charleston. I need to see my parents and my brother. Then, there are my cousins, Shep, Cade, Ezra, and Poppy, and their respective spouses.

I have damaged my relationship with all of them at some point. I don't think that any of the damage is irreparable, except for the damage between my father and me, perhaps.

Tears well in my eyes at that thought. I have always been a daddy's girl, even when we didn't see eye to eye. When I would get so angry at him because I felt he was using his power to manipulate me into doing what he wanted me to do, or that he was exerting control over me and trying to quiet my voice, I would blow up.

Our arguments would become so explosive at times that it made our mom nervous. Onyx would give me hell for being disrespectful to my father.

It would only take two days for both my daddy and I to calm down before we would be back to normal again. For the most part, I could never do anything to displease my daddy.

That all changed when I decided to pursue my modeling career.

Looking back over the years, I don't regret pursuing my career.

What I do regret is not working as hard at the relationships in my life as I worked for my career. Had I cared a little more about their feelings, then I wouldn't be so weighed down as I am now.

On the return jog, I look out onto the ocean and think about taking a dip in the water. Maybe by the time I make it back to the cottage, change into a bikini, and grab something to eat, I will have a little time for a swim before the rain comes.

I slow my jog to a speed walk as I draw closer to the cottage.

"Danica!"

Looking back over my shoulder, I see Amaris speed-walking in my direction.

I have half a mind to resume jogging again. The last thing that I want to do is play friendly and have this trick all in my face asking about Zenon.

For all I care, they can have each other. I haven't missed the way that she's always checking for him, or how he seems to encourage her advances.

I know that he's attracted to her, and that's fine by me, as long as he doesn't bring her into my cottage. The thought of the two of them having sex bothers me but the thought of them being together in my cottage infuriates me.

I know that I hurt Zenon. He deserves someone who will care for him and love him. He deserves to have a good girl in his life, and while I want him to be happy, I don't think that she's the one that he needs to be with. Amaris is mean and selfish.

It's been my experience that women like that can be vengeful if they can't have their way. The last thing that I want is for him to be with someone who will purposely hurt him the moment that she can't have her way.

Not that I was better myself. I purposely hurt Zenon to push him away. So, I know that I'm not the woman who deserves him.

I love him enough to admit that now.

"Danica," Amaris says, catching up with me.

I turn and place my hands on my hips as I look at her. "Yes?"

"I wanted to come and apologize to you. The other night when we all started gossiping about what happened to you, that was very thoughtless and mean."

When I don't say anything, she continues.

"Sometimes, we, as the public, get caught up in celebrity lives. It gives us a lot to talk about, and it's exciting. I think that we forget that you all are real people and that this stuff is really happening to you. It's not something to just read about or see on TV, but it's reality. It hurts you all the same way it would hurt us if it happened to us."

Amaris looks back out at the ocean and then resumes.

"It's like your life is part of the entertainment, too, and that can't be easy or fun. So again, I apologize for the things that we said the other night."

"Thank you," I say softly, not sure if she truly means it.

"And about Zenon," she says hesitantly with a shy smile as she tucks her hands into the back pockets of her cutoffs.

"Listen, we're both grown women, Amaris. Let's not pretend that you care about hurting my feelings. I know that you want Zenon, and if you think that I'm standing in your way of that, please let me assure you that I'm not."

She eyes me closely, rolls her eyes, and then looks out to the ocean. I turn away from her and begin making my way back to the cottage again.

I have only taken a few steps before she says, "You don't get it, do you?"

"Get what?" I ask, turning around to face her.

"Zenon couldn't be with another woman if he wanted to. Not me, not any of the beautiful, single women on this beach, or anywhere else in the world."

Confused, I shrug my shoulders. "Yes, he can. Zenon can be with anyone he wants."

"No, Danica. He cannot because he's so deeply in love with you that he can't see anyone else. You're all he wants."

Huffing out a breath, she places her hands on her hips and then looks back at me. "I basically offered myself to him on a silver platter with no shame. He turned me down. That's not something that I'm used to."

I can easily see that. Amaris is a beautiful, brown-skinned woman of about five-seven with long legs, large breasts, and a curvy body with nothing out of place. Her long braids frame a heart-shaped face, sparkling, warm, honey-brown slanted eyes, full lips, and dimples in her cheeks. Her teeth are evenly spaced, and her smile is perfect.

"What's that got to do with me."

"He told me that he wanted to fight for your friendship, and that you were worth fighting for. Zenon's a good guy. When I first saw him, I was attracted to him and thought that we could have an amazing, hot fling.

"But in the short time that I have gotten to know him, I can see that there's so much more to him. He seems to be battling pain of his own. There are so many women in the world looking for a man just like him. All I'm asking is that you make sure that you make his fight easy. Don't give him hell, Danica."

"And I should listen to you because?"

"Not any reason other than that you should just care, if you're a half-way decent human being," she says, shrugging.

I watch as Amaris turns and walks away from me this time.

"Amaris!" I call after her.

She stops, but this time, she doesn't turn around.

"Thank you," I say.

She nods, waves her hand in the air, and keeps walking.

I stand on the beach for a little while longer, contemplating everything that she's said. A rare breeze lifts off the ocean and blows my way, tussling my hair around.

I pull my fingers through my hair and turn towards the ocean, running to it. I don't stop until I'm knee-deep in the water.

With my shoes and clothes on, I swim and swim until my muscles begin to grow tired. Only then do I turn back and swim to shore.

My steps are slow and measured as I walk back to the cottage, dripping water as I go.

"Hey, where have you been?" Zenon asks when I step inside. "Are you okay?" he asks as his eyes take in my wet appearance from head to toe.

He doesn't wait for a response but runs to the back and returns several seconds later with two towels.

With loving, tender strokes, he dries my body.

"Sit here," Zenon says, guiding me onto the ottoman as he sits behind me.

As he slowly pulls the towel through my hair, he says, "I was thinking about you this morning."

My eyes drift closed loving how attentive he is as he dries my hair in sections.

"Oh yeah?"

"Mm-hmm. I was thinking about your culinary skills."

"Or lack of them," I quip drily.

"Either way, I was thinking that we could do some cooking lessons. If you'd like to, I mean," he says hesitantly.

Turning around, I look up at Zenon and see the love shining through in his eyes. I think about what Amaris said.

"Zenon couldn't be with another woman if he wanted to...he's so deeply in love with you that he can't see anyone else. You're all he wants."

"All I'm asking is that you make sure that you make his fight easy."

"I would love that, Z. Now that I probably won't have a show any longer, I should find ways to cut back on expenses by eating in more often."

Laughing, he says, "I know that you're not about to go broke anytime soon."

"No, I'm not. But it can't hurt."

"No, it won't. And it'll give you something positive to do in the empty times."

"How do you know about that?"

Sighing, he says, "I had a stint where I remained in an alcohol, booze-ridden nightmare. I couldn't think straight, seldom ate, and barely got out the bed, let alone left the house. Some days, I forgot to take a bath. All I knew was taking a drink to ease the pain."

"Did you attend AA?"

"Nope. A well-meaning friend of mine came by the house one day and told me to get my face out of my ass. He said that the world wasn't thinking about the jerk move that I pulled on the field that day and neither was the girl who I'd done it for. He said that life was waiting for me to grab it by the horns and shape it into what I wanted it to be and that the bottle didn't love me nearly as much as I loved it. If that were so, then I wouldn't be passed out drunk on the floor and puking up my guts every time I woke up."

There's a light that shines in Zenon's eyes when I turn around to look at him, and I know that this friend means a lot to him.

"Then what did you do?"

"I tried getting up again, but then I fell my ass back on the floor. He made me some elixir that he said was good for hangovers and made me drink it all. It was some nasty shit, but when it was finished about an hour later, I felt as right as rain. After that, he made me help him clean my house. He stayed there for the next day, then forced me to return to his villa with him. I spent a week with him and his family."

"That had to be hard," I say as he pulls a brush through my locks, slowly detangling each section.

"Not at all. It was quite eye-opening, in fact. I was able to see firsthand what I was throwing away. Watching the love between him and his wife expressed in simple acts, the way that his kids adored him, and how he loved working in his vineyards was enough for me to change my perception. I could have everything that my heart dreamt of, too, if I was willing to fight for it."

"What is it that you dream of, Z?" I boldly ask.

Chuckling, he says, "Despite the wonderful career I enjoyed and the big bang it ended on, I don't want a lot. I would love to form a league and coach kids, have a nice home somewhere with the woman of my dreams, a kid who loves me, and just to be happy."

"Your daughter. How old is she now?"

"Zílda is thirteen now, believe it or not."

"Wow! She's grown so fast."

"It's been a lot of years since we last saw each other, Dani."

"Yeah, it has," I say softly, grabbing his hand as he takes a pause from brushing my hair.

I turn around on the ottoman to face him as I hold onto his hand, as if letting it go might mean losing him forever.

"And have you gotten everything that your heart dreamt of?" I dare ask.

"I've got the kid, but the house and the league, well, I've been working on a plan since I've been here to obtain them."

"And the girl of your dreams?"

"Not yet, but I know that she's on the way."

"Is she now?"

My words are teasing, but my voice and the look in my eyes are anything but.

I do the one thing that I've yearned to do for so long now. Reaching up to touch the side of his face, I allow my hand to bask in the softness of his beard as my thumb rubs loving circles on his cheek.

Zenon's eyes search mine, and I know that he's wondering if he can trust me, if I'm just in the moment, or if what he's shared with me really matters to me.

I decide to be transparent and share that with him.

"I see you, Z. I've always seen you; everything good, everything solid, and everything kind in you. You are my light when things are dark. You gave me hope that someday, someone would love me again. Maybe he wouldn't be as perfect a man as you are, but that maybe there's a tiny space within me that is loveable despite all the bad that I've done."

Zenon cups my face and leans forward, gently brushing my lips with his. It's so soft that I barely feel him there at all, and when I press forward to feel him and to taste him, he freezes.

Bowing his head slightly, he locks our foreheads together. His hands rub circles on my cheeks, and no words need to be said.

I'm the first one to break away. I hesitate, but only briefly.

I need to taste him. So instead of running as I've always done in the past, I push forward, and I taste him.

Licking across the seam of his lips, my fingers continue to brush through the soft hairs of his beard as I work to tug his mouth open. And when he finally opens to me and welcomes me in, it's like a dam has burst in my heart.