Chapter 18

18

ADAZE

T he pair lay in bed talking long after they'd taken their pleasure from each other. Adaze lay on her back. Leilani sprawled on her chest. Adaze savored the way her hair felt like silk between her fingers.

"So what happens now?" Leilani asked, with a face halfway between a smile and a frown. "I mean, obviously we want to make things work, but what is that actually going to look like now?"

"What do you mean?" Adaze frowned.

"Come on," Leilani rolled her eyes, pushing to sit up. "You can't tell me you think things can just go on how they were before. Clearly, some things need to change and we have a lot to talk about."

"I know," she said softly.

Leilani fully sat up, blanket pooling around her waist. "So why don't I start?" She paused, taking a deep breath. "I really didn't like that you left me there without talking to me. That can't happen again."

"I won't let it," Adaze said without a moment's hesitation.

She smiled, but there was something complicated behind it. "I'm happy to hear that, but I need more than just to hear you say that."

"What do you need? Whatever it is, I'll do it. I don't want to lose you. That was all I could think about when I was driving back to the park."

"But the problem is, you didn't think about it until long after you left. Be honest, how long did it take for you to turn the car around?"

She shrugged. "I'm not sure. Maybe ten minutes?"

"Ten minutes. That's a long time to leave me alone with no idea what was happening. I had to ask Veronica to understand any of what was happening. You didn't call. Didn't even send a text."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Let's start by you telling me what was going through your head when you left. You said you panicked. Why don't you tell me what you were afraid of."

"Alright," Adaze took a deep breath. "Alright, I'll tell you, but it sounds crazy when I say it out loud."

"That's okay. I'd rather you tell me something crazy than keep it in your head. So, tell me, what did you think?"

"So, I know it's silly, but when I saw her there, all I could think was that you were going to cheat on me with her."

"Adaze, I would never do that to you."

"I know," she groaned. "I know it doesn't make sense, but when I saw her it's like I went right back to where I was when she left me. It was my own thing and I put that on you. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"I'm going to make a therapy appointment as soon as I can. I should have listened to Diana and started going again when I met you."

Leilani took a deep breath. "This might sound harsh because I know you're going through something and you're trying to work on it, but I'm going to need more reassurance than a sorry. I need some way to know you won't just run away next time you panic again, or at least some kind of reassurance that you're going to come back if you do need a minute alone. Maybe some way you can communicate to me when you need a second. I don't mind giving you space, but I don't want to be left in the dark."

"I think I can try and do that. I can't promise I'll never need to walk away when I get upset again, but when I do, I'll try and say something so you know what's going on."

"That's a good start. When you get overwhelmed like that, what's the best thing I can do to support you?"

Adaze chewed on her lip. "I don't know. I've always shut myself away when I got like that and stayed on my own until I felt ready to face people again. I've never had someone I wanted to let help, but I can talk to my therapist. I'm sure she would have some ideas."

"That sounds like a good place to start. I want to try and support you where I can, but it needs to be a two-way street."

"I know."

Leilani gave a tight smile. "To change the subject a little, you have some trust issues, and while I wish you would have told me about them, that's in the past now. Now I understand why and I know what happened. What can I do to help you work through them?"

She blinked in shock. "You're willing to work with me on this?"

Leilani frowned. "Yes, to an extent. I won't stop going out with friends or doing things I enjoy?—"

"I would never ask you to." Adaze cut her off. "I don't want you to change just to try and make me more comfortable."

"Good, because I'm not offering that, but I can meet you where you are while we work on moving forward. Maybe I can try to let you know about my plans or make a point to call you on my way. I'm not saying I'll do it forever, but we can start there while you work on building trust and feeling more secure in our relationship."

She frowned, wrapping her arms around herself. She shook her head. "You shouldn't need to do that. This is my issue. You are the most important thing in the world to me. I will sort this out."

Leilani reached out, placing her hand over top of Adaze's. She laced their fingers together, squeezing her hand. "And I don't need to. I don't think you would leave me if I didn't offer to do this. I'm not offering it out of some desperate attempt to keep us together or make this work but because I think it's a good way for us to start."

Adaze took a deep breath before nodding. "If you're comfortable with it, then I think I'd like it if you started telling me when you have plans?"

"I wouldn't have offered to if I wasn't comfortable. What would you want to know to feel most comfortable?"

"I—could you tell me where you're going, who you're with and around what time I can expect you to be back?" She let out a bitter laugh. "God, that sounds so controlling when I say it out loud."

"That's why this isn't a long-term fix, but we can start like this. As long as you understand, I'm never asking you if I can do something. I'm just telling you my plans while you get more comfortable and work on things. As you get more comfortable, we'll check in and revisit what information we need to talk about ahead of time."

She sucked in a long breath. "Thank you. I haven't tried dating since the divorce. Diana tried to warn me that it might bring up old emotions for me. I should have listened and booked an extra few therapy sessions. Like I said, I will be making some after this."

"That's good to hear. The main thing that needs to change is I need you to talk to me. I need you to keep me in the loop."

"I can work on that."

"That's all I'm asking for. I love you and I want us to find a way to make this work."

"I love you too, and I'm going to do what I can to make this work."

"We just need to decide what we want that to mean."

"Long term, what do you want that to mean?"

Leilani hummed. "I'd want us to live together. Probably sooner than we maybe should. Not right away, of course. We need time to figure things out, but it is something I want when the time comes."

"I want that too. Would you want—I mean do you plan on moving back to Hawaii at some point?"

Leilani thought for a minute. "I can't promise I'll never think about moving back, but I will say it isn't a choice I can imagine making right now."

"Okay, I'm a little worried if you do end up changing your mind, what that would mean for us, but I do want to let you know, since I own my own company, I can work remotely if needed, but I'd need to travel back at least a few times a year."

Leilani's jaw dropped. "You own the company? I knew you were the acting CEO and a big deal, but holy cow! When were you going to tell me?"

Adaze shrugged, looking away. "I don't know. I wasn't trying to hide it. It just never came up."

"I'm pretty sure I've asked you what you did for work at least once before."

She shrugged. "Alright, maybe I should have explained better."

Leilani snorted. "Yeah, I think you should have. I knew you had money, but damn. I didn't know it was own-your-own-company money."

"Companies."

"What?"

"You said I own my own company, but in the interest of transparency I should be clear. It's companies. I own three."

"Three? Good lord, how did you find time to meet anyone?"

"That's part of what went wrong last time."

"What do you mean?"

Adaze shrugged, looking away. "I mean I have a tendency to get buried in my work. Veronica got lonely. I neglected her. That's why she cheated. It was my fault."

"No, she made a choice and that was on her. If I start to feel like you aren't giving me enough attention or spending enough time with me, I'll talk to you. If you choose not to listen, then that's on you."

Adaze shook her head. "You really are something special, you know that."

"Thanks," she grinned, leaning in to give her a quick peck on the lips. "I do my best."

"And your best is perfect to me."