23. Landon

I'd finished.

The edits had left me with a migraine from hell—my reason for begging off having dinner with Callum and Zack after their time on the beach, but I just couldn't join them. Between the throb in my temples and my mental exhaustion, I didn't have it in me to be out in public.

Callum, always the sweetheart, had returned from their late dinner with a boxed one for me, insisting I eat since I'd done nothing but drink coffee all day. Rather than escaping my grumpy ass for Zack's, Callum had stayed in with me, putting me first as usual.

He'd seemed preoccupied, perhaps even a little bit down after spending hours with Zack, but I didn't bug him to tell me what was going on with him. Recognizing he needed me—and vice versa—I'd asked him to take care of me instead.

Callum joined me in the bath he'd drawn for me, and I lounged between his thighs, eyes closed as he washed me. We both had grown hard, but neither of us pressed for more, not even after we'd dried and crawled into his bed.

I'd fallen asleep with my head on his chest, his palm possessively holding my ass cheek.

When I'd woken, he'd already been dressed and had a cup of coffee in his hand. He planned to remain in the suite, reading over my manuscript, while Zack and I got dropped by boat into a secluded cove where a canopied outdoor bed and a picnic basket full of food and wine awaited us.

I would have a chance to get away from any prying eyes with one of the loves of my life. The only way it could have been better would be if Callum accompanied us.

I'd kissed him for the thoughtful gift before hightailing my ass to the shower to prepare for a day with Zack, since I had Callum's blessing to thoroughly enjoy myself while he rested.

That included some dick.

Hopefully.

Relief over having gotten my edits done allowed me to feel the freedom to enjoy my afternoon beneath a blue sky with a gorgeous companion.

"Did you have fun with Callum?" I asked Zack.

He sat beside me on the massive bed, picking at pieces of some tropical fruit that was a little too bland for my liking. I preferred the cheese that paired well with the wine we sipped.

"I did." Proof he'd spent too long outside the day before. The sun had kissed his face with perhaps a bit too much pink, one of the reasons I'd insisted we picnic beneath the canopy.

"Did you miss me?" I teased, telling myself I didn't really ask out of insecurity.

"Of course we did." Zack placated me with a smirk, the knowing bastard.

"I always pine for Callum when he's not around, but I'm actually kind of glad to have you all to myself today."

I hoped to hear Zack agree with the sentiment, but he simply popped another bite of fruit between his lips.

"It was nice reminiscing about our childhood this morning," he stated quietly after swallowing, sending a zing through my system. "We had some good times, didn't we?"

"We really did," I agreed before sipping my chilled wine. "But being invited to ride on the elephant at the circus a few months after you came to live with us—that's one of my most treasured memories."

"Really?" Zack gave me the undivided attention I'd been craving since we'd sat down to snack. His gaze roamed over my face like a physical touch, making me hungry for more. "Of everything we did, every vacation your parents dragged us on, that stands out in your memory?"

"It was the first time you held my hand."

A soft smile made his eyes twinkle. "You were scared shitless."

"I thought I was going to topple off and get trampled by those huge feet."

Zack chuckled. "You'd have been squashed for sure. You were such a pipsqueak back then."

"Hey." I tossed a piece of that disgusting fruit at his head.

Of course, he shied away, and I missed him by a mile, which made him laugh.

I damn near swooned at the lines at the corners of his eyes. "I've missed that."

"What?" he asked while righting himself, still chuckling.

"The sound of your happiness."

His smile faded. "Can't say that happens too often."

"Same," I whispered what I hated about my life.

We stared at one another for a long moment, and I realized the connection I hoped to find with him again required that I tell him all the shit of my life. I had to be completely honest. With how Zack and I were secluded where there was no escape except for the boat offshore and around the bend waiting on our walkie-talkie request to return to the hotel, Zack had no choice but to hear me out.

And if it made him pack his bags and take off early, then at least I could say I'd been completely honest with him.

"After I told you to leave…" I started, my heart racing badly enough I didn't know how to go on. Showing vulnerability had to be the key, right?

Fuck.

I swallowed hard and set the glass of wine aside before I snapped the stem.

"I'm not going to judge you, Landon." Zack's quiet words assured me as gently and easily as Callum always did. "Get whatever you need off your chest. I promise to listen and attempt to see things from your point of view."

Tears welled in my eyes, and I blinked rapidly to keep from getting overly emotional. I didn't need him thinking I was trying to manipulate him again.

"After you left, I grew resentful. Gave up my virginity to the first guy who showed interest. And once I learned what a high I got from bottoming and making men lose their ability to do anything but nut up my ass, I became addicted." I glanced at Zack, but he didn't appear fazed by my admission.

"So anyway." I inhaled until it hurt. "An asshole ex-boyfriend unknowingly recorded and then leaked a cum dump sex tape across social media. The names I'd been called during the filming used to get me off—which was why he'd agreed to share me so often—but the backlash of that video proved to be disastrous. It even hit the major news networks.

"Father's hopes of running for president got tossed into the sewer along with my reputation. Overnight, I became the ‘Soiled Senator's Son', confined to the shadows. They called me a cock-hungry whore, so I sought isolation. I was labeled a cum slut, who had shown my asshole to anyone in order to be filled, since I didn't get any attention at home."

Fuck, did stating that shit aloud still hurt.

"You blamed me."

I huffed a sarcastic un-funny laugh, hating that he saw past all the surface to what bothered me the most. "How well you know me, but it wasn't your fault. I made those choices then looked for someone else to hold liable. I'm sorry for that too."

"What happened, Landon?" Zack asked, choosing as always to ignore my apologies.

"More viciousness spread across social media atop the truth the newscasters broadcasted, causing shame and embarrassment. It didn't matter that I was innocent of the accusations in most of the rumors that stirred up to bash my name along with my parents. People will always judge me based on what happened. They'll always wonder about me. I'll never be understood, my supposed addiction to sex when I simply love dick. Being filled with cum.

"But of course, I couldn't deny myself and took on that identity of being an addict. It wasn't healthy, but I continued on in secret. A health scare got my ass supposedly sober. And once free from that STD, I vowed to keep my hole to myself, regardless of how starved I was for love and affection. I've broken down a handful of times for quick one-on-one hookups, but that's it. The fear of being taped or even photographed again makes me sick. Literally."

Zack didn't even shift as I spilled my truth, just listened, his focus intent on my face.

"I started to write about the fantasies I could no longer experience in reality."

A slow smile curled his lips. "I'm proud of you."

Goddamn him. My throat swelled, and I had to blink back more tears. "My family thinks I'm living off my grandmother's inheritance."

"And I'm guessing you're writing romance that would have them clutching their pearls."

I actually chuckled. "Taboo and forbidden gay smut," I clarified, my chin lifting a little because I was proud of myself too, damnit. "And I'm making bank, especially with my polyamorous stories."

"You use a pen name, I'm guessing."

I nodded. "Father believes Callum is only my friend and approves of him being my housemate since he ‘keeps me in line'." I huffed another laugh at that one. "If Father read the naughty nugget of smut that led to him being my PA, he would be horrified. So you can understand why I don't trust just anyone with this information."

"I do."

"While I'm not ashamed of how I've come to be rich on my own, I can't stand the thought of any more humiliation. It's bad enough being in the spotlight as a politician's son, but with the choices I'd made back then…" I trailed off, shrugging. "I'd rather live without the drama."

"That, I can understand," Zack agreed. "I'm not one for that shit myself. Is that why you were hesitant to dance with me when Callum promised you would be safe?"

"Yeah." I blew out a huge exhale, the burden of secrecy I'd been carrying on my shoulders for so long a little bit lighter. "I avoid social events whenever possible, keep images of the real me off social media. I cling to the only loyal person I have. And even though Callum tries to talk me into going out more often, it's tough to be vulnerable with anyone else."

I expected Zack got that part of my thinking too. He'd been buttoned up tight when he'd first come to live with my family, but I hadn't realized at the time because I'd been a little kid. Recognition came later, not long before I figured out I was in love with him. I'd been fourteen and had heard him crying during the night.

Instead of being on the receiving end of his comfort, I'd offered my arms to the boy who'd always held me.

Zack had soaked my sleep shirt with his tears, and I'd decided in my heart that I wanted to be there for him until we both grew old and gray.

From that moment until the day he'd left, we'd pretty much shared a bed every night without my parent's knowledge. It'd been purely platonic between us, and that one afternoon I heard my parents discussing Zack's eighteenth birthday on the horizon and what I expected that meant for his freedom to live his own life, well.

I'd been scared shitless then too. Anxiety had made me sick to my stomach for days on end, and every time I ate, I ended up either hugging the toilet or bent over it groaning with the pains knifing my guts.

But all of that I didn't share with Zack.

A man could only bare his heart so much before he felt completely eviscerated. And I wanted to enjoy my day alone with him, not wallow in regrets.