Chapter 46

Megan

I closed the cabin door behind me, my fist shoved in my abdomen as I leaned against the polished wood. I sucked in a few ragged breaths and tried again to call up Wolf. She was there, moving sluggishly inside, but all attempts to bring her out, to shift our forms, were in vain. She whined, and I think a similar noise escaped my throat. Night fell outside. With only the light on the end table by Sam's bed to offer defiance against the darkness, long shadows cast themselves over the floor.

On autopilot, I slipped out of the robe and into my tank top and pajama bottoms. My mind was a swirl of worry, anguish, and confusion. I tried to bring to life the excitement I should have been experiencing at the revelation that I was morphing back into my human self. All human. No more split personality, no more coexisting wolf, no more hidden life…which would bring no more Sam. I swallowed thickly as I leaned my back against the kitchen counter.

The door opened, and a gust of air whooshed into the room, bringing in the crispness of the autumn night. Sam shut the door, and his stare burned into me. Something primal and unspoken flashed across his gaze, ratcheting up my own emotional turmoil. The kitchen counter pressed into my back as I leaned against it for support, gripping my hands against it like a lifeline. My heart was pounding in my ears, my chest rapidly going up and down. Anxiety rolled off me. My fingers twitched as my stomach heaved. I wanted Sam to hold me.

Without breaking eye contact, Sam snatched a pair of his sweatpants off the back of a kitchen chair. He turned quickly and slid them on under the heavy gray robe. As he turned, he let the robe slide off, and there he stood bare chested across the room, his eyes locked on my face.

I stayed rooted to the spot, unwilling to let my body betray the shred of rational thought left in my head. Part of me—my wolf—was in agony that I hadn't been able to shift. My brain said this was confirmation I would stay human. Why did those two thoughts conflict so badly? Wasn't this what I wanted? Sam moved slowly across the kitchen. I knew his gaze was riveted on my face even though my own stayed staring straight ahead.

Another step. Another. He was in my space. My eyes closed against the onslaught of emotions his nearness brought. I tried to swallow. His body hovered on my left, close enough that heat radiated off him but not touching me. Slowly he leaned his face down to mine, resting his forehead and nose against the side of my cheek, his arms bracing himself against the counter behind me.

His scent wrapped around me, the now-familiar tang of wolf, pine, outdoors, and Sam teasing my nose, calling to my wolf. She rose within me, pushing for release. I wanted to give it to her, to shift. I wanted to be a wolf in that moment more than ever. But I couldn't. My body wouldn't obey. My bones wouldn't change their shape; my fur wouldn't ripple along my arms, silky and soft.

I felt his inhale and knew he was scenting me, something that was now so much more intimate than a simple handshake.

He swallowed.

"Megan," he whispered, his voice gravelly and breaking. Tears pricked at the back of my eye lids, still screwed shut. I could practically taste the emotions in that one word. What he'd meant was, don't leave me.

His lips brushed across my cheek, once, twice, trailing white fire everywhere they touched. A choked noise clawed its way from my throat as his lips touched the corner of my jaw. With that noise, every wall between us came down.

I turned toward him even as he took one more step so that he was in front of me, pushing his body against mine, harder against the counter. His lips were on mine, tinged with desperation, tongue probing, finding no resistance as my mouth opened for him.

It was a far cry from the gentle kisses we'd shared in this kitchen that night after the movie. This kiss was hard and rough, wild and wanting. His hands gripped my waist, roaming from my hips to my sides and up my back, his body a lean, chiseled line of coiled muscle pressing against me. My hands gripped his biceps, tracing the ropy scar left by the arrow meant for me, then tracked up his shoulders and fisted into his hair, pulling his head from my mouth to my throat, gasping as his lips touched my skin.

My wolf rose within me, pushing me, fueling my already-heightened desire. Need seared through me. His lips broke away from the curve of my neck as he groaned. One hand gripped my hip, nearly too low to be decent, while his other stalked the curve of my spine, my shirt riding up at the hem, as he cupped the back of my head and his lips crushed mine.

I couldn't stop the noises that rose up in my throat, but it didn't matter. Sam kissed me harder, in a way I didn't know was possible. Each kiss set my soul on fire. How could I have lived without this? How would I live without this?

My hands dragged down the front of his chest, feeling the hard planes of his muscles. I wasn't the only one making noises now. His hands were hot fury, barely contained, as he grasped me even closer to him. They palmed my shoulder blades, his tongue sliding in and out of my mouth sending my senses reeling. I felt his thighs press up against mine. The counter was cutting into me in several places, but I couldn't bring myself to care. My back arched farther, Sam's body following me. His hands began their descent down my arched back and to my sides. Without uttering a word, I knew he was going to slide his hands all the way down to my waist, pick me up, and put me up on the counter. Butterflies swarmed in my belly but were quickly overcome by the lava coursing through my veins. I wanted Sam. Wanted him like I'd never wanted anything.

Images of what would be if we kept going sliced into my brain alongside the euphoria Sam's touch brought. I was about thirty seconds away from throwing all caution to the wind and giving Sam exactly what I knew he wanted, what I wanted in that moment, when his hands, still sliding down my sides to my waist, found the raised hemline of my shirt, his hand landing on my bare skin.

I had never allowed a boy to touch any skin normally covered by a shirt and a pair of shorts. Sam's hand on my naked flesh sent pinwheels of fire dancing over the spot. His tongue darted into my mouth again as his hand slid up under my shirt, caressing my side, his fingers reverently tracing their way up my body.

My lips broke away from his as I gasped from both shock and want at the feel of his hand on my flesh.

With a sound not quite human and not quite animal, Sam ripped his hand away. Shreds of sweatpants poofed around me, and Sam stood before me, a great silver-white wolf. His tongue was lolling out the side of his mouth, his sides heaving. Deep blue eyes found mine, and he whined once before turning and practically running into the bathroom.

I don't know how long I stood there, my own chest heaving, looking at the closed bathroom door. A few minutes ticked by, and I heard the shower start. My hand came to my mouth, gingerly touching my kiss-swollen lips.

What had I done?

What had we almost done?

If Sam hadn't stopped himself, I wasn't sure I would have. I stood there, still frozen to the tile floor, just pondering that fact. What was wrong with me? If we had gone any further, there wouldn't have been any going back. I'd be a wolf forever. I'd be mated to Sam forever. I was only seventeen! I wasn't ready for that sort of commitment.

My head fell into my hands. I didn't want to cry, but I felt the tears brimming over anyway. I was so confused. Half of me knew that it was best to remain human, unencumbered, unattached, unmarried, and unmated. But, the other half, and shockingly enough, not all of it my disappearing wolf half, wondered, seriously wondered, would it be worth it?

This was too much. My head was going to explode. I couldn't figure this out on my own.

About twenty minutes after the wolf went in, Sam came quietly out of the bathroom. His wet hair made dark splotches on his light blue T-shirt. It stretched across his shoulders, straining a little over his biceps, pink scar still poking out from under his left sleeve. I felt my face flush as I met his gaze.

His eyes were dark in the pale light, his eyebrows drawn together, his mouth a grim line. He ran a hand through his damp hair, scattering more droplets down onto his shirt. His mouth opened, shut, then opened again.

"Megan, I'm so sorry." His voice was hoarse. Those were not the words I was expecting.

Before I could reply, he raised his hand and cut me off. He snagged a chair from the table and slumped into it like a man defeated by the world.

"When we first started this, you gave me a list of things that were not okay. I told you I was good with your boundaries because I respected you—do respect you. I crossed the line tonight. I broke my word, disrespected you, and you probably hate me now. I'm so sorry."

I gaped at him. This was probably not the best time to tell him that I had been seconds shy of letting him have his way with me.

"I don't hate you, Sam. I could never hate you." I put as much conviction into the words as possible. As for the other things, well, what he said was true, but I was as much at fault as he was, probably more so. "And I'm sorry, too. I wasn't exactly putting the brakes on. But your apology really means a lot." And it did. Aside from my grandpa, I'd never met a man who kept his word as religiously as Sam did, and I could tell it bothered him like nothing else that he'd broken his word to me. I wanted to go to him, wrap my arms around him, comfort him. But in light of what we'd just done—and nearly done—I thought it would be wiser to keep my distance for the moment, though part of me railed at the decision. If I was going to stay human, I had to keep my distance. But if I stayed human that meant giving up Sam.

"Will you be able to trust me again?" His eyes pleaded with mine.

"Oh, Sam, of course I trust you." I wasn't sure I trusted myself with him though. There was a long pause. "Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I need to talk to my grandpa after school tomorrow. Alone."

"Okay. We'll go over as soon as school is over. I…I'm going to head on to bed now. Good night." With one last sparing look at me, he got up and shuffled to his bed across the cabin.

He did not try to kiss me goodnight.

****

Sam and I got ready the next morning making a lot less eye contact than usual, and there were no good morning hugs or kisses. I missed them but didn't have the guts to initiate. I called Grandpa to let him know we'd be swinging by after school. Tammy rode to town with us that morning. Her dad's truck died, and he needed to use her car. I was relieved that Tammy kept a noncommittal conversation going and remained oblivious to the tension radiating between Sam and me. The bus stop that would take her to campus was about two minutes from school, and I was thankful it was only two minutes of awkward silence.

Rachel was not so oblivious when I met her outside first period.

"I'll see you," Sam said with the lightest brush of his fingers against my arm. The first touch since last night. I smiled, my face feeling tight.

"Whoa, did you guys have a fight?" Rachel asked as soon as Sam's broad shoulders were down the hallway. I hoped there was enough other noise with kids going to class and slamming lockers that he wouldn't be able to overhear. I ushered her into the classroom anyway.

"No…we didn't fight. I don't think?" My forehead crinkled.

"And that means?" Rachel prompted. I glanced at the clock. Five minutes was so not enough time to bring her up to speed. Most of me wanted to spill all the details, but a small part of me wanted to keep that kiss to myself. It was a lot of things, but above all it was intimate.

"We kissed last night." Rachel waggled her eyebrows and brought her head closer to mine so I could dish. "I mean, we really kissed."

"Like he grabbed your boobs while you kissed?" she whisper-shrieked.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and screwed my eyes shut. "No! But…like…if he'd tried, I don't think I would have stopped him," I wailed, miserable and confused.

Rachel's mouth hung open, totally slack-jawed. "You're in love with him, aren't you?"

I stared into the green eyes of my best friend. "I don't know."

Rachel arched an auburn eyebrow.

"Maybe," I amended. "I'm going over to talk to Grandpa after school. I need his opinion. Obviously not on boob grabbing or kissing, but…you know…maybe being in love. It's not like this is just being in love with the guy you're dating. Things are a lot more complicated than that."

"They are, but love is complicated. What's a little fur in the mix?" Rachel winked at me and patted my hand as the bell rang. "You talk to Grandpa. He'll tell you what to do. And then tell me every single detail. And we are so not done discussing that kiss, either."

I smiled in spite of myself. Rachel was the best friend a girl could hope for.

School dragged on the rest of the day. Sam met me after each class, and we sat next to each other in the classes we had together and at lunch, but things were strained between us. I think he was still feeling guilty or ashamed, and I was confused and suddenly didn't know how I was supposed to act around him. And then there was my silent wolf. I know Rachel noticed everything, but I'm not sure who else did. No one else commented on our behavior, so I assumed nobody else really cared that much, or they didn't notice at all.

The last bell of the day rang, and I trudged to my locker, thrilled that I'd gotten all of my homework done in sixth period where we'd had a sub and a movie. I glanced up as I was getting near and saw Sam waiting for me. The breath caught in my chest as I looked at him leaning there against the wall of metal. He hadn't noticed me yet, and I took a moment to really look at him. His strong profile with his straight nose, shaggy blond hair, those piercing blue eyes. His mouth was still a straight line, not its usual friendly curve, and not set in that special smile that he reserved for me, either. The air left me in a whoosh like I'd been sucker punched. What if I never saw that smile ever again? Would he find someone else to give it to? He said he'd never feel about anyone else the way he felt for me, but were those just words? Would someone else get that secret look that used to be mine? I felt all empty inside. I was a mess.

Sam turned his head then, and his eyes did light up a little as he took me in, and though he grinned, it wasn't that secret twist of his lips that only belonged to me.

"Hey! Good rest of your day?" he asked casually as I jammed books into my locker.

"Okay, how about yours?" I asked, knowing the spark wasn't in my eyes. I felt sad. Sam picked up on it right away.

"What's wrong, Meg?"

I closed my eyes. "A lot of things. But I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it yet."

Sam's eyes were sad now, too. "All right. Let's head on over to your grandpa's. Tammy's riding back with Raven."

We made awkward small talk for the seven minutes it took to get to my old house. Funny. When had I started to consider it my "old" house?

Sam killed the engine. "I'll walk you to the door, say hello, then go hang out at the park. Give me a call when you're ready for me to come get you."

Before thinking better of it, I put my hand on his arm. "Thanks, Sam." I meant it. For so many different things. He covered my hand with his free one.

"You're welcome."

I noticed that the door had been freshly painted and wondered if someone in the pack had come over to help out while I was away. Probably one of the wolves running patrols noticed and took the initiative. Gratitude warmed my heart even while a pang of melancholy came with it. I hadn't been here to help. And because of the need to have this house I'd lived in nearly my whole life protected from the unknown.

My knuckles hit the frame three times before I opened the door, and we walked in.

"Grandpa? We're here!" I called out.

"In the kitchen, Meggie-Girl! Sam, you come on back, too!" Grandpa called out.

"I can't stay today, Mr. Carmichael, but I wanted to make sure Meg got in, and I wanted to say hello." Sam shook Grandpa's hand. Grandpa clapped him on the back.

"Well, that's all right. I'll get some quality time in with my girl." He beamed at me, and his eyes twinkled. I missed seeing those twinkly eyes every day.

"Meg, call me when you're ready." Sam's eyes ever so briefly tracked to my lips but then flitted back up to my eyes. He brushed his fingers along my arm again and then was gone.

"Meggie-Girl, I've missed you!" Grandpa looped an arm around my shoulders, and I wrapped both mine around his waist.

"Not as much as I've missed you," I countered.

"Here now. I've just got the tea off. Go pour us a few mugs."

"Grandpa, I need to talk to you. About serious stuff."

His white brows rose up his forehead. "Well. Why don't you bring that tea into the living room while I go and get situated. It takes these old bones awhile to get places these days."

I poured the fragrant tea—orange spice, our preferred blend—into two of our favorite mugs and brought them to the living room, setting Grandpa's on the end table next to his recliner and taking a seat across from him on the love seat.

"What's on your mind, Meggie?"

I bit my lip, unsure where to start. I took a sip of my tea, scalded my tongue, and put it back down. Grandpa waited patiently, blowing the steam from his teacup.

"I…um…I think I'm in love with Sam," I finally blurted, heat rushing to my face as the words left my mouth.

Grandpa's eyebrows rose to new heights. "Is that so? You sure could have fooled me with that chilly send off between you two." I blushed darker and picked at the fuzzy brown corduroy of the love seat.

"Well, things are a little awkward at the moment. We…we kissed last night." I snuck a look up and Grandpa's mustache was twitching, a sure sign of his amusement. I scowled at him.

"Don't get your dander up, girl. I remember being young and in love, and I certainly enjoyed kissing your grandma. Go on. Why did that make things awkward? Surely that hasn't been the first kiss you two have shared?"

He asked so matter-of-factly and then gingerly took a sip of his tea. I sighed. This was going to get even more awkward before it was over.

"Well, we, um, yes…we've kissed a few times. But not like we kissed last night."

Grandpa's face was suddenly much more serious. Serves him right for teasing me, I thought.

"I'm listening," he prompted.

"First of all, nothing wildly improper happened," I stammered, "but, things went a little further than we intended, I guess." I was sure my cheeks were redder than the cherries Grandma had embroidered on the couch's throw pillows.

Grandpa wasn't laughing now. "Go on," he urged.

"And, well—" I clenched my eyes shut and took a deep breath and decided to have out with it. "His hand slipped up my shirt just a little bit, and then he changed into his wolf, presumably to keep himself from doing anything else." I said the whole thing with my eyes shut.

Grandpa took a sip of tea, and I cracked my eyes open.

"I always knew I liked that young man." The twinkle was back in his eyes.

"Grandpa." I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at him. "Anyway, he knew that he broke one of my rules, I guess you could say, and things have been really awkward. He apologized and everything. But, while we were kissing, I think I realized that I might want to be with Sam. But then I keep trying to tell myself how impossible that is. I'm seventeen. Seventeen! For Pete's sake! I'm not old enough to be married, to stay with one guy for the rest of my life! What about college? What if I go off and meet someone that I fall in love with and end up not loving Sam as much as the new guy? What happens then? I'm stuck with Sam. For life. What if I wake up and find out that I'm miserable, or worse, that I make him miserable? Grandpa, I can't stay with Sam. I mean, at least, not now. But if I wait, and I stay human, and it's looking like I will, I won't be able to be with him."

I took a breath and then a gulp of my tea while Grandpa looked on. He knew I wasn't finished yet.

"And then, last night—about staying human—I…I couldn't shift. The change wouldn't come, no matter what I tried. I felt so lost, so…" I shrugged helplessly. "I don't even know the right words. But it didn't feel good like I thought it would. I've always wanted to stay human—had no desire to be a werewolf—and last night appears to be confirmation that I'm not going to stay a wolf. But in the end…that means I give up Sam. Who, for the moment, I'm totally infatuated with. Maybe even in love with." I plopped my forehead into my hands and waited for Grandpa to collect his pearls of wisdom to share with me.

"Meggie-Girl, do you know how old your grandma and I were when we married?"

I glanced up at him. I should know this, but as I wracked my brain, I realized I didn't. I shook my head, ashamed I didn't know the answer to such a simple question. It didn't bother Grandpa though. He carried on.

"I had just turned eighteen, and your grandma was sixteen."

My mouth fell open. Grandma had been younger than me when she married Grandpa? I knew they had married young, but I guess I never sat down and figured out the math.

"She was the prettiest girl I'd ever laid eyes on," he said it with a sigh and a smile. "I was getting ready to ship off to war, and I wanted her to be mine for keeps before I left. Lucky for me, she agreed with me. And so did her parents, though I'm not sure what they ever saw in me to let me have their daughter."

"How did you know she was the right one?"

He smiled, full of wisdom and knowing. "Meggie, I'm going to tell you something that a lot of the world hasn't figured out about love. It's what made my marriage to your grandma so long, enduring, and wonderful."

I was hanging onto his every word. This was why I knew I needed to talk to Grandpa.

"Love is a choice."

I blinked. That was it?

"Listen to what I'm saying, sweetheart. Love is a choice. When I got back from the war, I was a different man than when I left. I was harder, older, rougher, broken. But your Grandma Elsie, that marvelous woman, she chose to love me through that difficult time. It wasn't easy for her. It wasn't easy for me. It would have been a lot easier for each of us to go find someone new to love, to be with, someone with whom to start fresh. But your grandma and me, we made a vow before God and to each other. We were married. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. And in such a relationship, if it's successful, each person chooses to love the other. Each and every day. The grass is always the greenest where it's watered. You may feel in love now, and I think you are in love with Sam Wolfe, but you won't feel in love every day. And on those days, the harder days, you make a choice to love that person anyway." He sat back in his chair and took another drink of his tea. I let his words sink in.

"So you're saying it's not about whether or not I find someone else I love more later," I mused out loud.

"If you go into a relationship with the attitude that there might be someone else out there that's better, then you're bound to find that someone. Every single time. Because you're not looking at your spouse. You've always got one eye on the prowl. You don't do that in marriage. You choose only to see each other in that special way."

I sank back into the corduroy cushions. Love is a choice. "My choice would come with fur, fangs, and midnight runs." I sighed. "Why couldn't Sam be a normal guy?"

"Sam is a normal guy. He just has another side that most don't. Tell me, Meggie. What would you actually have to give up if you stayed with Sam and became a werewolf permanently?"

"I beg your pardon?" I stammered. Did my grandpa just encourage me to stay a wolf?

"Think about it. What would you actually give up if you stayed a wolf?"

I did think about it then. I had always assumed that being a werewolf would limit and change everything I'd ever planned to do, but as I sat there and really thought about it, I couldn't come up with a single answer.

"You can still go to college, get that business degree, and open your bakery. You want to open it here in Rock Falls or in a neighboring town anyway." He gazed at me fondly. "You could still travel, visit the world. With Sam at your side. The only thing that might change in the long run is your time frame."

"I guess I haven't thought this through as much as I thought I had," I confessed.

"Oh, Meggie-Girl, none of us ever do." His face dissolved into his wrinkles as he gave me one of his big smiles. "For what it's worth," he sobered again, "I would feel better, knowing that you're well-protected by the pack and by Sam in particular since you'll never be able to be fully rid of this world now that you're aware. You'll never not know that werewolves exist. You'll always be looking over your shoulder, always wondering. You won't be able to pick them out after the blood fades, if you will. And, not to be morbid, but I won't live forever. My days are numbered. I'm old, Meggie-Girl. I'll stick around for you as long as I possibly can, but even love is not enough to keep a person alive forever."

My heart was heavy with sadness and bursting with love all at the same time. I loved this man so much.

"I love you, Grandpa," I whispered.

"I love you, too, Meggie-Girl." His face dissolved into happy wrinkles again.

"I still don't know what to do."

"You'll figure it out."

"Sam said that because I'm his mate, he'll always love me. Do you think it's only because he bit me? Do you think he really loves me just because I'm me?" I asked timidly.

"I think Sam has been fond of you for a very long time. And I think if you weren't wolves and he hadn't bitten you and you were two friends at school, he'd have pursued more with you."

"How do you know so much, Grandpa?" I asked, a small grin hiding at the corner of my mouth. His words warmed me.

"Because I was once a young man in love. I know the look." He winked at me. "If that's it, go call your young man. You all can stay to supper."