Chapter 25

The incessant ringingof the alarm clangs over me from where my phone rests next to my head. I let it scream on as I stare at the ceiling, analyzing the same spot I’ve been looking at for the last several hours. It had been easy to relax in Camden’s bedroom. Talking about being at the dance together, and saying it didn’t matter what anyone would think about it. But Camden isn’t here now. He won’t be here today when I walk into the school and find out what kind of things people have been saying about us since the game. My stomach is tight, and I’m afraid that if I make any sudden movements I might throw up.

“Oh, my God!” Beth screeches, slamming her fists against my door. I jump, snapping my head to face the door so fast I’m worried I might get whiplash. “Would you shut that thing up already?!”

“Jesus!” I scramble for the button, glaring at the door. “What’s your problem?”

“You are! Turn that stupid alarm off!”

“I didn’t do anything,” I mutter, turning off the alarm.

Silence falls like a blanket, and I swear I can hear my sister roll her eyes before she stomps away from my door. I roll out of bed and to my feet, crossing to the closet and dressing with my lip firmly pinched between my teeth. When I slip my hoodie over my head I let out a slow breath, trying to prepare myself for the day ahead.

When I open my door, the smell of coffee drifts past me. I make my way up the hall and downstairs, seeing mom standing in front of the stove flipping sausage patties and humming along to a song on the radio. She smiles and turns it down as I sit on a stool at the kitchen island, scooping some eggs and cooked sausage onto a plate and sliding it in front of me. Beth already sits, ankles crossed where they hang in front of her as she scrolls through her phone with one hand and eats with the other.

“Good morning, sweetheart! Did you sleep alright?”

“I slept okay,” I shrug, tucking into my eggs then letting my jaw hang open to vent out some of the heat.

“Seriously?” Beth rolls her eyes from the stool next to mine. “You eat like a Neanderthal.”

“Somebody’s on her per-” I mutter under my breath.

“Hey!” Mom cuts me off, spinning and pointing the shiny spatula in my direction. “No.”

“Sorry, mom,” her brows raise and I glance at my sister from the corner of my eye. “Sorry, Beth.”

“Yeah, whatever,” she sticks her tongue out at me and flicks some egg from her fork, and I catch it in my mouth with a grin.

Mom shakes her head and finishes cooking, making plates for herself and dad to eat on the way to work. She seems to be keeping an eye on me this morning, but she isn’t going to make me talk if I don’t want to, which I appreciate. I’m stewing in my own head, but I really don’t think talking about it any more is going to help. We talked a lot yesterday, and she assured me that it won’t be as big of a deal as I think… But I don’t know.

There’s a knock at the front door. My brow raises quizzically at Mom, but she just shrugs and starts cleaning the dishes so she can head to the office. Slipping off the stool, I check my phone to see if I’ve missed a text from Cam before I remember he can’t drive the standard with his arm broken. I frown, twisting the handle and opening it wide… To find Casey standing there, arms crossed.

“Finally!” She shakes her head. “Come on, we’re gonna be late!”

“Late?” I look behind me to where Beth is standing.

“Uh, yeah? To school?” She raises one brow and cocks her hip towards the wall. “Are you sure youdidn’t hit your head Saturday?”

“You’re giving me a ride?” I feel the need to clarify.

“Yeah,” her eyes soften slightly. “And I stopped at the donut shop on the way to get us fortification, so get in the back of the van, Graves.”

“What kind did you get me?” I ask as I grab my bag and start for the Jeep, leaving Beth to lock up behind us.

“Cinnamon cake, obviously.”

We share a smile, and most of the tension in my shoulders slips away. God, I’ve missed her. I open the passenger door, and Beth looks like she’s going to fight me for it, but I just stand to the side and hold it open for her. She pauses, eyebrow raised, as if she’s waiting for the punchline.

“Are you gonna get in, or what?”

“Yeah,” she hops up quickly. “Thanks…”

I close her door and slip into the backseat, sitting in the middle and reaching for the bag of donuts that rests on the center console. I tug my sugar-covered ring free from the paper sack and take a huge bite, moaning as the cinnamon and sugar coats my tongue. Beth rolls her eyes but smiles as she gets a strawberry iced donut from the bag.

“Hey,” Casey adjusts her rearview mirror to glare at me in the reflection. “Don’t get crumbs all over my car, you gremlin.”

“No promises,” I say, muffled by the treat in my mouth.

The girls groan in disgust and laugh as we pull away from the curb, and for a moment everything feels just like it’s always been.

When we pull into the gates of the school parking lot, I start to sink a little lower in my seat. Maybe, if no one notices me coming in, no one will say anything. Maybe I could get Casey to drop me off at the back door to C hall, and then I could slip inside… No, those doors are locked. Unless, I have her go inside and I wait around the corner, so when she opens it for me I can just slip in, and… I sigh heavily. No, that would be ridiculous. Besides, it’s not like I can hide forever.

My eyes peek over the plastic lip of the door panel, eyeing the empty cars parked next to us when Casey settles into her normal spot. I glance over to where Cam and I usually park when we don’t have practice, my shoulders dropping slightly. I wish he was here… I reach down to quickly type out a message and hit send.

Wish you were here.

Moments later, Honest Men sing “Shoulders Back”and my boyfriend’s face fills the screen. I close my eyes and smile, listening to the lyrics for a minute before I swipe to answer and let out my tension in a slow rush of air.

“Hey you,” his voice is gravelly, like he’s just woken up.

“Hi, there. One handed and on pain meds, and he still sneaks past the lock on my phone… I’m impressed.” I lean my head back against the seat with a soft sigh. “Today is going to be hard.”

“It might be,” he grunts slightly, and I can almost picture him leaning on the wrong elbow to sit up. “I wish I was there, too… But you’re strong, and you can do hard things.”

“I love you, Camden.”

“I love you too… You already at school?”

“Yeah, we’re just about to go inside.”

“Well, have a great day. And I’ll talk to you after, okay?”

“Alright. Good luck at the doctor today, I’m glad you called...”

Cam makes kissing sounds over the line then hangs up, leaving me grinning at the phone like an idiot.

“They are so gross,” Beth complains dramatically from the front seat.

“Honestly,” Casey smiles, watching me in the mirror with a strange, soft sort of look in her eyes. “What horror are we unleashing on the world?”

“Yeah, yeah,” I smile, shrugging their teasing away as I tug my backpack onto my shoulder and open the door of the Jeep. “Let’s get this over with, shall we?”

We weave between the parked cars on the way to the school, and I swear I feel the eyes of every person I know on my back. I keep my eyes averted, trying to walk quickly and get this over with as soon as possible, but I slow when I feel something bump against my left hand where it’s stuffed in my pocket.

It’s Casey, offering her hand out to mine. I accept it, shooting her a grateful smile, and she squeezes firmly. From the right, Beth takes my other hand and twines her fingers through mine. The corners of my eyes burn, and I sniff as I squeeze both of their hands back.

“I love you.” I say, staring straight ahead at the school.

“We love you too,” Beth leans her head against my shoulder for a minute. “You ready?”

“Yeah,” I nod. “I think I am.”

They don’t let go as we cross the street and step up onto the curb in front of the main entrance. To our left, a girl is so busy watching us she trips over a bag on the ground and almost eats pavement. A small group of boys is lingering by the flagpole, kicking a beanbag in a circle and flipping their too-long hair with snide smiles that say they’re above trying to fit in with the students passing them by.

Brandon Tobias is in the middle, slipping a vape pen back into his pocket and tucking a greasy strand of hair behind his ear as he grins and throws an elbow into the ribs of the boy next to him.

“Hey, there’s Elliot… We heard about the game man, very moving. Is it just Camden that gets your rocks off, or is it anyone? Am I your type? Gotta know if I need to watch my back, you know.”

He guffaws, starting a chorus of broken laughter from his fellow layabouts. There are a few twitters around the open space, and I feel my face light up. I open my mouth to reply, unsure what I’m going to say, but Casey answers first.

“Piss off, Brandon,” she snarls, rolling her eyes dismissively. “You’re no one’s type.”

Brandon’s face goes red, jaw dropping to his chest, and the laughter bubbling across the walkway is louder than it was a minute ago. I squeeze Casey’s hand, flashing her a quick smile as we approach the open glass doors.

People seem to think that because Casey and Beth are cheerleaders they’re going to be gentle and meek, and they’re constantly shocked when they say something stupid and the girls cut them at the knees. It’s never been a surprise to me that Beth and Case are so close, even though she’s closer to my age than my little sister’s.

Hand in hand, we walk through the doors. With each sharp tap against the cold tile floors I flinch, but it seems to be going okay. Curious glances are cast our way, eyes darting between my face and my hand where it’s joined to Casey’s. Whispers are passed behind raised hands, but no one else has been outright hostile… Until we reach the section of the hall just before the stairs, where groups of upperclassmen lean against the pillars visiting before class. Some of the looks are sharper here, more personal, and my muscles tighten instinctively as if bracing for impact on the field.

I stumble when I hear a word spat at me from the right, flying over Beth’s petite frame like a javelin at an enemy target. From the first fricative I know what’s coming, but it still knocks my air from my chest. We still, and I watch in slow motion as Beth releases my hand and turns to find the culprit, a mask of rage covering her always-sweet face as her brown hair flies around her shoulders. Casey’s hand tightens on mine, and a strange sort of ringing is starting in my ears as I feel the blood drain from my face.

This is it. This is exactly what I’ve been afraid of. The anger, the hate, that I know lives in quiet places. It shows up when the norm is challenged, when a threatening idea is presented, which is so ludicrous because how could who I love be a threat to him? But he thinks I am. I make eye contact with the boy, his hazel eyes alight with glee matched by the smirk on his hateful mouth. I recognize him, kind of. He’s a senior, I’ve seen him around but never really talked to him before. Guess he never had something he needed to say, until now. His lips part, as if he has something else to add, but he never says anything.

Dark knuckles curl over the boy’s shoulder, tugging him to face his left and leaving his head to follow like a crash dummy as Mike Samson pulls himself to his full six and a half foot height and brings his free hand down in a fist that lands against the tile wall next to the boy’s face with a thud and shakes the pillar. Everyone quiets as they whip to see what’s going to happen next, and by some unspoken agreement the three of us have stopped walking.

“You do not say shit like that to him, are we clear?”

“What’s your problem, man?” The boy asks, breathless, eyes darting nervously between Samson’s hands and his eyes, which are close to his face as my captain leans in.

“You’re my problem. You don’t talk to him like that, you shouldn’t talk to anyone like that. Your life’s so pathetic you have to bring others down to feel big? Grow up, you homophobic moron.”

Samson shoves the boy slightly back into the pillar as he backs away, releasing him and joining us in the middle of the hall. His left arm winds around Beth’s shoulder and hugs her, and she blushes prettily. I try to hide my smile, but when he shifts his right hand through the air in front of Beth and extend it towards me in a fist, it slips through. I touch my knuckles to his, nodding, and we walk as a group down the entry and into the main hallway. My brother, my captain, has my back. I feel pretty confident that most of the team will follow his example, even if they have their doubts, and the weight that knowledge lifts from my shoulders makes me feel like I can breathe for the first time in days.

Heads continue to turn as we make our way through the congested corridor past the wide doorway to A hall, but no one seems to be hostile. There are some smiles of varying degrees, lots of blushing and whispering between friends, and a few guarded looks of confusion, but no one else is slinging slurs or looking outright angry that I’m breathing their air, and that’s a relief. At the right hand arch to B hall Beth and Mike slow, and he turns to me with some concern in his eyes.

“Graves, do you want me to walk with you to class?”

“Nah, man.” I reach out my hand to his and we smack them together with a firm clap, pulling each other in for a one-armed hug of solidarity we’ve performed on the field a million times. He shakes my shoulder slightly before he releases me to walk down the hall with Beth.

Casey doesn’t take my hand again, but she bumps into my arm as we start walking again towards our first classes in the last hall.

“I’m glad you don’t hate me anymore.”

“I never hated you,” she blushes, avoiding my eyes. “I was embarrassed, more than anything. You could have told me a little sooner.”

“Well, I mean, I kind of tried…” Casey looks up at me, raising an eyebrow. “At the Burger Shack?”

“The Burger Shack?” Her eyes widen. “You told me you liked someone else… Elliot! I didn’t think you were gay, I thought you were a massively insensitive jerk!”

“Eh,” I rubbed a hand on the back of my neck, smiling a little ruefully. “Maybe a little bit of both? I wasn’t sure how to bring it up, I didn’t want you to be hurting or think it was you… But then I could tell I’d made it worse, so Cam and I thought it was best to give you some space.”

“Wow,” she shakes her head, turning to face me in the middle of the right and left arches of C hall. “Well, I am so sorry that I didn’t get that message. I’m happy for the two of you, really. You’re two of my best friends! Of course I am.”

I reach out, pulling her close, and she squeezes me back tightly. I press a kiss to the top of her head before I release her, and she gestures behind her with her thumb.

“This is me,” she says. “Need a ride home after school?”

“We’ve got practice,” I shake my head. “But thanks. I’ll see you later,”

We both turn, and I take in a deep and slow breath as I take the first step alone down C hall. I make it to my classroom halfway down the hall, slipping into the room and quickly making my way to my usual spot in the corner. My eyes keep darting to the empty desk next to me, and the heavy feeling starts to seep back into my stomach. Just as the bell rings someone slides into the plastic seat and reclines as they drop their bag. With a blink of surprise, I realize it’s Jenson.

“Hey man,” he nods his head up in greeting. “How’s Holt?”

“He’s okay,” I rub my wrist slightly. “A little sore, he’s going to the doctor today to see if he’ll have to have surgery.”

“Damn… Prayers going up, man.”

“Yeah… Thanks.” I settle back into my seat, starting to feel warmth in my chest. That felt so… normal.

From the doorway Mr. Galway calls out, flicking the lights on and off, and class begins. The lights in the front half of the classroom are left off so we can see the video being projected onto the whiteboard, light filtering from the white box mounted to the ceiling, and it takes me a minute to notice Jenson has scooted in closer. He tilts his head closer, trying to chat without getting in trouble.

“Was that weird, keeping your boyfriend a secret for so long?”

“Uh, yeah, kind of.” I purse my lips. “I, uh, wasn’t sure how you guys would take it.”

“Why?” I’ve gotta hand it to him, the lovable idiot looks genuinely confused.

“Because we’re gay.”

“Yeah, I kind of figured that part out,” he laughs quietly. “So?”

“Well, I worried that might make y’all feel… Uncomfortable. With us sharing a locker room, and all.”

“Please,” he scoffs. “Samson watches us naked way more than you guys do. It’s like he thinks if he turns his back for a second we’re gonna destroy the place!” A smile cracks across my face. “You’re my bro, man. If someone has a problem with it, tell ‘em to talk to me about it.”

“Thanks, man.”

We focus back to the front, but a few minutes later Chris leans over again, like he can’t stand to sit still for very long.

“Were you guys dating when you came to my house?”

“Huh?” I thought back, remembering the part at Jenson’s farm, the party when Cam got drunk and…. “Uh, no, not yet,” I roll my lips over my teeth, fighting a smile.

“Cool, cool…”

I sit up again, crossing my arms over my chest as I settle in to watch the video, but before long I feel Jenson’s eyes on me again. I turn to him, raising an eyebrow.

“Do you think Coach is still gonna let you guys bunk up together, if we have any road games next year?”

I blink. If I’m being honest, this thought hasn’t even crossed my mind. It’s difficult to hold in my laugh, but I don’t want to draw attention from the teacher so I push it down until I can answer without laughing.

“No, probably not.”

“Discrimination,” Jenson mutters, shaking his head and sitting up straight to watch the video.

I do laugh then, I can’t help it. It starts in my chest, but soon it’s a fully-body reaction that I can’t contain. My stomach is tight, my eyes closed, shoulders shaking as I plant my feet to the ground to keep myself steady in the desk. Mr. Galway tilts his chin down and raises his eyebrows, giving me a look I interpret as ‘sit down and stop distracting the class’, but as I wipe my eyes and mouth ‘sorry’ I swear I see a hint of a smile on the edge of his mouth.

Practice hasme breathing hard today. This week is the homecoming game, and Coach is not taking it easy. I skip the shower today, spraying myself before tugging on sweatpants and a hoodie to try and fight the cool night air. I jog outside, smiling when I see Dad waiting in the work truck. Dad waves as I draw near, tossing a colorful candy piece into his mouth and catching it mid-air as I slide into the passenger seat.

“Hey kid!” He offers me the bag, and I spill some candies into my hand. “I didn’t get an SOS call, so I’m assuming today went okay?”

“Today was good,” I agree as we pull out of the parking spot.

“Everyone being respectful, no issues?”

“Eh,” I think about the boy slinging foul words, the rolled eyes and glares and shifty glances and whispers behind hands… “Mostly.” Dad turns to me, but before he opens his mouth I quickly add. “I’ve got it handled, Dad. We have good friends.”

“Well… Good…”

His hands grip the steering wheel more tightly than is necessary, knuckles whitening at the creases, but he doesn’t push any further. I hum along to the radio as we pull onto the highway and make our way back to our house. Dad sings along, tapping a beat with his left foot. When we turn off of Main Street, he turns the radio down.

“Want to go check on Camden real quick?”

“Yes!” I yell, settling down as he laughs. “Yes, please. Thanks Dad.”

He nods with a smile, passing our house and rolling too-slowly along until we reach Cam’s place. The truck has barely stopped before I’m out of my seatbelt, scrambling to unlock the door and jog across the lawn. I hear him chuckle behind me as I rap my knuckles sharply on the door and take a step back, rocking nervously on my heels. When the doorknob turns I jump a little, smiling sheepishly at Mr. Holt’s amused face when the door swings open.

“I had a feeling I’d see you guys today,” he waves past me to my dad, who is coming up the walkway at a more sedate pace. “Come on in, Camden’s in the living room. He’ll be glad you’re here.”

Needing no further invitation, I slip past him and hurry through the entry way around the kitchen to their living room on the left side of the house. The tv is on, a game show host cheerily announcing a destination trip prize for the person who can solve the puzzle. Cam’s right arm rests atop a pillow on the arm of the couch, and his feet are flung far in front of him. The temporary wrappings are gone, replaced by a shiny black cast with tufts of white lining peeking through the top and bottom.

“Hey you,” I cross around the left side of the couch, plopping down next to him with my right knee pulled onto the couch so I can face him.

“Hi there,” Cam grins, leaning over to press his lips against mine gently.

We rest there for a moment, neither of us pushing it any further, just existing in each other’s spaces. Eventually he pecks my lips again and pulls back, wincing slightly as he repositions his arm.

“So, no surgery?”

“No surgery,” he confirms, testing the weight of the fiberglass cast as he rests his good hand in mine. “I’ve gotta go back in a couple weeks, but the swelling was down today so they went ahead and got me set up.”

“That’s good,” I trace the outline of his fingers with mine, drifting across his palm with a feather-light touch and grinning at the bumps that rise on his arms. “Can I sign it?”

“Sign it?” Cam laughs, his blue eyes shining and reflecting the tv. “What are we, twelve?”

“No,” I shove his knee playfully with my own. “Maybe I just like the idea of seeing my name on you.”

“Elliot,” he starts warningly, heat flaring in his eyes.

“Now that everyone knows you’re mine, I don’t want there to be any question.”

“Don’t start something you can’t finish,” his voice is low as his eyes flick to our parents having a beer in the kitchen, and I grin even as a hot flush starts to rise up my neck.

“So? Can I?”

“Yes,” he growls, burrowing deeper into the cushions.

I chuckle, victorious, and wiggle my way closer to his side. I drape my right arm over his shoulders and hook my knee over his, smiling and resting my cheek against his arm. Cam rests his left hand on my knee, and I sigh contentedly as we watch the colors flash across the screen for a minute.

“How was school today?” He asks after a while. “Some of the guys texted me to check on me.”

“School was okay,” I muse. “It was… way better than I thought it would be, surprisingly. I missed you,” I add. “It was weird, looking over and not seeing you… Especially at practice.”

“I’ll be back Wednesday,” Cam turns, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “I missed you too…”

“Are we codependent?” I frown.

“Haven’t we always been?” Cam shrugs, turning back to face the tv.

“Yeah,” I laugh, relaxing into the couch and my boyfriend as someone finishes a puzzle and the lights flash on the screen. “I guess you’re right.”

Casey always saw that, even when I didn’t quite get it… But I get it now.