Chapter 19

Casey picksBeth up to get ready for the pep rally Friday morning. I watch from my window as her Jeep pulls up to the curb, but Casey doesn’t get out as she waits for Beth. With a sigh, I let the curtain fall back into place and rub the sleep from my eyes.

I miss Casey. Like, I really miss Casey. I miss the way she balances our group, mellowing out Beth’s high energy with her cheerful calm nature. I miss making her laugh, and dancing to pop music when the mood strikes. This awkward wall is so awful, but I’m not sure how to bring it down…

The front door shuts behind Beth, and a few minutes later I hear the rumble of the Jeep’s tires as they pull away. Heaving myself out of bed with a sigh, I cross to my dresser and pull out a black undershirt to wear under my jersey for the pep rally. I tug on a pair of clean starched blue jeans from the closet, courtesy of my mother, and my nose screws up. I squat in place a few times, fidgeting until they feel more comfortable, and slide on my standard canvas sneakers.

My phone rings, Pearl Jam’s “Just Breathe”floating through the air and Camden’s bespectacled face appearing on my screen. I close my eyes and listen for a moment before I swipe to answer the call, holding the phone between my shoulder and cheek as I make my way into the bathroom to continue my morning routine.

“Good morning,” I smile as I tousle my hair in the mirror.

“Well hello there,” Cam chuckles. “You sound suspiciously awake?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” I shrug, though he can’t see it, and pick up my toothbrush from its spot in the ceramic cup next to the faucet. “I’ve been up for an hour or so. What’s up?”

“I was just gonna see if you wanted to get donuts before the pep rally?”

“Are you gonna get me a YooHoo?” I say from around a mouthful of toothpaste.

“What are you, five?” Cam scoffs. “Yes, junior. I’ll get you your choccy milk. That’s why I’m calling early, we’ve gotta make time to enjoy it. And don’t forget your Physics homework, we’ve gotta stop by before we go to the gym so we can get there in time.”

“Yes, mother,” I quip, wiping my empty mouth on the towel hanging by the sink. I turn the used portion around so Beth won’t fuss at me later. “I’ll be ready when you get here.”

“Kay bye,” he makes a quick kissing sound and hangs up, leaving me laughing and shaking my head as I finish getting ready.

When I’m ready I hurry downstairs, pack a lunch and tuck it into my backpack, then sling it over my shoulder. I walk onto the front porch, locking the door behind me right as Glory pulls to a stop in my driveway. Cam looks great, his hair styled more than usual and his jersey pulling tightly on his bicep where it flexes as he rests his wrist on the wheel. I quickly toss my bag into the back of the truck and jump in the cab, facing him before the door is even closed behind me.

“Mom’s got early patients,” I offer in place of a greeting, eyes on his full lower lip. “And dad had to head to a new job site.”

Camden grins, needing no further invitation, and leans in to capture my mouth with his own. I’m about to melt into a puddle in the floorboard, ready to abandon our plan of donuts in place of enjoying this all morning long, when he pulls away. He nudges my nose with his, laughing at my pathetic whine of disappointment.

“Later,” he shakes his head. “We’re gonna be late.”

“There are worse things,” I feel a grin stretch across my face.

“Coach would have our necks,” he laughs. “You’re a bad influence.”

“Fine,” I roll my eyes exaggeratedly as he sits back on his side of the truck, hands on the wheel and pulling away before I’ve even buckled. “But you better get me two donuts.”

“Yes, your majesty.” He sighs as if put-upon, his words belied by the hand he slides into mine once he’s shifted into gear.

Cam lets go of my hand as we pull into the donut shop. He engages the parking brake and we hurry inside, taking in the wide assortment of donuts stacked on yellow trays in the case eagerly. I select two, one with sprinkles and a cake donut coated in cinnamon sugar, while Camden goes with a chocolate twist and a powdered sugar covered monstrosity filled with some kind of whipped cream. They look amazing.

We take the bag of sugar-coated delicacies and our yellow plastic bottles to the back of the truck, where Camden puts her tailgate down and we jump onto it to sit and eat. He tells me about his bizarre dream featuring a building-sized rubber duck, his eyes alight, and I laugh and wipe a spattering of powdered sugar from his chin. Sooner than I’d like we’re finished, crumpling the paper sacks to toss them into the trash can, and getting back into Glory’s cab to make the trek to the high school.

Glory glides smoothly along the backroads from the donut shop to the school, where Cam takes the far gate into the parking lot and goes down three rows to our usual spot at the front of the entryway. It will be a further trek to get the truck and pull her around to the athletic building after school, but this lot is way closer to the science hallway and that’s our first stop of the day.

There’s a slight breeze in the air, the first stirrings of fall, as we cross the open lot towards the wide glass doors. It’s not as crowded as it usually is, most of the kids who actually have to check in at their first period classes today having already passed through. Voices echo on the bare walls downstairs, but the main hallway we’re turning into is already nearly deserted.

“Hey y’all,” we hear from behind us.

Turning, I see Chris Jenson jogging to catch up with us on his way to C hall from the gym.

“Hey man,” Cam reaches out, performing some kind of complicated handshake. “You heading to Galway’s room?”

“Yeah,” he raises a packet in his hand. “My dad said I had to get this finished and turned in before the game today, or I couldn’t go to the bonfire at the Peterson’s pasture after. What kind of psychopath assigns this kind of homework during football season?” Jenson shakes his head, and I can barely stifle the smile that rises to my face at his expression. “Are y’all going?”

“To the Peterson’s?” I ask, and he nods.

“Not me,” Cam shrugs. “I’m grounded from parties.” He glances at me, reading my curious expression. “I, uh, came home from the last one drunk, so,” a flush rises to his cheeks and he shrugs again. “Dad takes that pretty seriously.”

“Oh, yeah,” I scrub my hand across the back of my neck. “Right.”

“Bummer man,” Jenson shakes his head, taking the last few feet down the hall before turning into the science hallway. “It’s gonna be a good time.”

The three of us make it to Mr. Galway’s room at the end of the hall. He strikes up a conversation with Jenson about his project, but Cam and I drop our papers in the basket and slip back into the hallway. I tuck my thumbs into my pockets as we walk, stepping closer to Cam and speaking in a lower voice so it won’t carry through the halls.

“I don’t wanna go to the party if you won’t be there,” half of my mouth tilts up into a smile. “Do you want to hang out tonight instead?”

“Yes,” he answers quickly. “Where? Your house?”

“Or yours,” I shrug. “We could watch a movie, hang out. Do you think your dad would let me stay the night?”

“Maybe,” he hikes his bag higher on his shoulder as we take the five half stairs down to the main hall towards the cafeteria and gym. “I’ll ask.”

When we reach the hallway in front of the gym, I grin and point at the green and brown streamers hanging from the ceiling. The cheerleaders have been hard at work this morning. I walk through the doorway and Beth jogs over in a camouflage t-shirt tied and knotted at the hip over her cheer uniform, a gleam in her eye.

“Hey there, bubba,”

“‘Bubba’?” I raise an eyebrow, my amusement slipping through into a smile. “What are you doing?”

“We’re going elk hunting!” Beth laughs, holding up face paint crayons for me to see before diving for my face.

I squawk, trying to duck back, but the spider monkey has her legs wrapped around me before I can react. Camden is no help, steadying me from behind but holding my arms and giving her free reign. I laugh, accepting my fate, as Beth draws on me with the paint. When she’s satisfied with her efforts she drops off of me and turns her attention to Camden, who leans over to give her access with no fight.

Pulling my phone from my pocket, I open the camera and take a look at her handiwork. She’s painted black, brown, and green stripes under my eyes like some kind of hunter’s camo mixed with eye black strips. Glancing up, it looks like Cam is getting the same treatment.

“Looks great, Bethie,” I grin.

“I know,” she scoffs, finished now with my boyfriend’s stripes. “Get a bandana on your way down, we’re doing all the football players.”

Having been effectively dismissed, we follow her instructions and grab two camouflage cotton bandanas from a box near the stairs. We take them with us up into the bleachers, finding a seat towards the middle. I roll my bandana into a long strip, tilt my head over my knees, and tie it around my forehead. When I sit up straight again I feel my curls spill over the sides, and Cam’s eyes light up.

“You are so cute,” he mutters, and a pleased flush rises to my cheeks. “Could you help me tie this around my neck?”

I lean over, laying the fabric against his neck where he wants it and tying it to the side. I’m sure to leave it loose enough to not bother him as he turns his head. He turns his neck, testing it, and I feel a zap of energy in my fingers where they brush against his throat as he moves.

Clearing my throat, I sit up and scoot a little further away from his side as our teammates begin to stomp noisily up the bleachers around us. We all smile and laugh and clap hands in greeting, and I try to ignore the heat I feel between our thighs where Camden sits next to me.

All around the gym, banners encourage us to ‘Hunt the Elk!’ In opposition to tonight’s rival team. The drum line leads the students from their classrooms into the gymnasium, and the pep rally begins. The cheerleaders pom poms are black today, and I like the way they shimmer under the bright gym lights as the girls do a dance they’ve been practicing.

There’s one flying stunt today, Casey and two other girls hoist a senior girl on one leg as she pretends to raise a bow. Across the gym Beth is raised high, landing a pose just before the girl pretends to loose an arrow. Beth is pushed into the air, spreading her legs wide and reaching for her toes before crossing her arms over her chest and straightening her legs for the fall. I wince, shoving my leg against Cam’s for comfort as I watch her fall, but the guys beneath her easily catch her in a safe hold and now she is on her feet clapping and waving to the stands.

The rally is a success, everyone seems to be having a good time and spirits are high in the gym as we celebrate our last home game until homecoming. When it’s all over the band starts playing, and we all begin to file out of the bleachers towards the doors to the hall.

The girls each grab handfuls of spirit ribbons, and I watch as Casey goes to the door on the far opposite side from where we will exit with the rest of the football team. I sigh and make my way down the bleachers behind Camden.

We winthe game that night by a slim margin, and the energy in the locker room afterwards is high. All around me our teammates are reliving their top plays of the night, laughing and joking and throwing themselves into piles of back slapping and cheers, but I’m in a bigger hurry to get home than they are. Because while most of them will be piling into trucks, grabbing girlfriends and beer and blankets and sneaking off to the bonfire at the Peterson’s ranch, I’m going home with Camden to the sleepover we got green-lighted just before the game.

Mom texts me, congratulating me on the win. I respond back to let them know we’re about to leave the stadium, and I duck out the door of the locker room to wait for Cam outside. He’s ready not long after me, and with just a grin crossing the space between us we both turn towards the parking lot and head straight for the blue pickup glinting under the fluorescent glow of the tall safety lights. He holds my door open, but I’m not bold enough to sneak a kiss on my way past. Not here, where any of our teammates might pass by and see.

“You did really great tonight,” I finally say, warmth effusing my voice. I clear my throat.

This is why I didn’t say anything in there, a flush rises to my cheeks. I can’t keep this dopey lovestruck tone out of my voice. What a loser.

“Thanks, Mr. Double Touchdown.”

I feel the pride in Camden’s voice, and scoot closer with a grin to rest my hand on his knee.

“I couldn’t have done it without you. I thought I was gonna be toast in the third quarter there, that guy was so mad…”

“You did elk antlers and stuck your tongue out,” he shook his head. “What did you think was gonna happen?”

“I didn’t think he could see me!” I laugh. “How was I supposed to know elks have eyes in the back of their helmets?”

“Graves,” he smiles, watching straight out the window as he pulls off of Main Street towards our neighborhood. “You’re going to be the death of me.”

We chatter about the game as we finish the drive home, and I hope he can’t tell how nervous I feel. It’s silly honestly, I’ve been to his house a million times. Stayed the night even, not that long ago. But this time we’re dating, and it feels like that makes a difference.

He pulls Glory into his usual spot in the driveway next to his dad’s car and I hop out. I grab my bag out of the back, fidgeting with the strap as we walk into the kitchen door and lock it behind us. We dump our bags in their usual place on top of the front loading washer in the small room attached to the kitchen, and hurry through the living room to the stairs before his dad can intercept us for questioning.

The door stays cracked as always, and I flush as I consider the ulterior motive behind his dad’s rule. Cam pecks a quick kiss to my cheek on his way to his crates of music, and I kick off my shoes before I crawl onto his bed and sit propped up against the pillows with my legs out straight in front of me. His shoulders flex as he sifts through the albums, finding the perfect one for us to listen to, and I swallow hard.

Cam holds up the soundtrack that I got for him at the flea market with a smile and pulls the protective sleeve out of the decorative cardboard cover. He raises the arm on the player, sets the vinyl disc B side up, and carefully fits the needle into the groove. The first beats of “When Doves Cry” fill the air, crackling as the first verse gets going, and he joins me sitting up against the headboard of his bed. His arm lifts and I lay my head on his shoulder, sighing happily as his hand comes back down over me to rest on my bicep.

I’m conscious of the cracked door, keeping my voice low so it won’t be heard over Prince’s dulcet tone.

“I’ve been thinking a lot.”

“That’s dangerous,” Cam murmurs against my hair.

“Shut up,” I swat at him with a laugh. “I’m serious. I’ve been thinking about coming out.”

“Yeah?” he sits up, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m ready, I think,” I nod. “It… still sounds scary. But I hate feeling like my identity is this… dirty little secret that I’m keeping from my parents. What was it like? When you told your dad?”

“Oh, well…” Cam slips his fingers through mine. “I was really stressed about it. But, like… I was also kind of freaking out, because I didn’t know how he was going to react. Like, I know he loves me. And I was pretty sure it was unconditional. But, well… It had never really come up.”

I nod along, and he shrugs.

“But I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I tell my dad everything, he’s the one I always go to for advice. We don’t really do secrets. And the longer I stewed on it I just… Couldn’t.”

“So you told him?” Cam nods. “How?”

“I sort of just spewed it out,” he chuckles. “We were at dinner and he asked how football practice was and I kind of just screamed ‘I think I might be gay’!”

“And?” I grin, invested.

“And we sat there for a minute, completely silent. Then he just, like, gets up. Without saying a word, he marches off to his home office. And I’m, like, panicking, because I’m sure he’s packing me a bag or something.” tears well in his eyes, and I squeeze his hand in my own. “He was gone for a while, and when he came back he had this sheet of printer paper in his hand. I don’t even know what I was expecting at that point, my mind was kind of racing and numb at the same time, but it wasn’t for him to tack a printout of a Pride flag on the family board.”

A surprised laugh chokes its way from my throat, and Cam’s head falls back against the headboard. His eyes are closed, reliving the memory, and a soft smile is on his lips.

“Then he just sat down, like nothing happened. He finished the last of his dinner, looked up at me, and asked if I wanted to go get some ice cream for dessert. And, that was kind of that.”

“I love your dad,” I smile, stroking the tops of his knuckles.

“I do too,” he laughs, opening his eyes and tilting his head to look at me again. “He’s kind of the best.”

“How did you realize you were gay?”

“I had my first crush,” he smiles ruefully. “All the signs were there, I wanted to kiss them and hold their hand and be with them all of the time… And it wasn’t a girl?”

“Who was it?” I ask.

I feel an ugly, green, completely irrational jealousy bubble up in my chest but I’m trying to keep my voice level. Camden raises an eyebrow. I raise one back. He inclines his head, tilting his forehead closer to me. I blink. He looks at me like I might be an idiot, and I get it.

“Was it me?” I ask, my voice rising in pitch at the end as a grin steals over the lower half of my face. “Oh my God,” a flush covers my boyfriend’s face, and it’s everything I can do to keep my volume down. I switch to a near whisper to contain my glee. “That’s so embarrassing!”

“Oh shut up,” he laughs, shoving me almost off of the bed. “It’s only embarrassing because you’re an idiot.”

“Oh my God, you like me!” I crow, still whispering as I lean over him. “You like, like like me!”

“Not anymore,” he grins. “I’m getting over it.”

“Ugh!” I gasp offended. “As if!”

“Jesus,” Cam reaches behind his back, swatting me with the pillow we’ve been leaning against, and we collapse back onto the bed. “You are so dumb.”

“Yeah,” I grin, hovering inches above his lips. “But you like me.”

“I do.”

He surges up, nipping at my bottom lip, and I almost fall on top of him in my surprise. I catch myself on my forearms and groan into his mouth, returning his kiss eagerly. Cam’s hands on my hips shift me off of him, and I’m suddenly acutely aware of the open door behind us once again.

I blink, glancing around us, and I realize the music has stopped playing. My eyes lock in the player, the arm bobbing in the air as the disc rotates steadily apart from it. I glance at Cam and we both laugh shortly.

“Guess it’s time to switch it over,” he eases away from me to stand.

Cam crosses over to the player, flips the album and resets the needle and starts bobbing up and down as “Let’s Go Crazy” begins. I laugh, propping myself on my elbows to watch him fidget and shimmy, and he turns to face me.

“Dance with me,” he reaches for my hands, pulling them away from the bed until he’s dragged me to my feet.

My feet stumble for purchase, finally settling on the carpet and shifting to the beat as I shimmy my shoulders and head. The look on Cam’s face is worth anything as we dance, nodding our heads along to the beat. His hands land on my waist, pulling me closer and backing away in turn causing me to stumble around. We reach the chorus, and Cam shouts along.

“I don’t even know what he’s saying,” I confess in a laugh, wrists resting on his shoulders as he spins me.

“You don’t have to,” he grins. “It’s Prince, just enjoy it!”

And I do, dancing and wiggling and ignoring the fact that I definitely look like an idiot. The song devolves into a wicked guitar solo, and we both pantomime it in the air as if either of us have any real clue what we’re doing. I finally collapse against him, laughing, and he tucks his arms around me as the fuzzy sound morphs into a song I”m less familiar with.

The drums give an easy beat for us to step to, and for the first time tonight we have some kind of rhythm as we sway together. Our eyes are locked, his arms around my waist and mine around his neck, as he sings the words of the verse to me. His eyes melt as he finishes the chorus, singing “Take Me with U” like he wrote it just for me. Cam squeezes me tighter to him.

“This is so much better than a bonfire party,” I whisper, as if being any louder could break the moment.

“Yeah?”

I nod, resting my head against his shoulder, and we sway to the music. Cam hums along, a low soothing rumble in his throat that makes my eyes drift close and the world fade away. He rests his hand on my lower back, the delicate sort of pressure makes me feel safe and comforted. After a while, he speaks.

“I don’t remember a lot about my mom.”

My steps stop for a moment, I’m caught off guard. Cam doesn’t talk about his mom very often. She died so long ago, when we were little, and I don’t even remember ever meeting her. I’ve seen her pictures a million times, but it isn’t something he brings up a lot. I rest my arm around his waist and shoulder, hoping he’ll continue.

“But there was this one time, I remember she and Dad were watching Purple Rain in the living room. And this song was playing, and they weren’t even paying attention to the tv anymore. Dad swept Mom up in his arms and they were dancing in the living room, and I just thought, they are so in love with each other.” Cam swallows hard, his arms around me squeezing a little tighter. We sway in silence, holding one another.

“That’s a really good memory,” I manage through the words stuck in my throat.

“Yeah,” I can hear the smile in his voice. “It is. So is this one.”

I love you.

My chin tilts up and my hand tugs on the back of his neck, pulling him closer to me until our lips touch. Our kiss is light, sweet, tender. As the song comes to its end Cam takes a step back.

“I’m thirsty,” Cam rasps. “Do you want anything?”

“Sure,” I smile. “I’ll come with you.”

He slides his door further open and starts down the stairs. As we reach the bottom landing into the living room, we see Mr. Holt sitting in his armchair with a glass of amber liquid. His smile has an edge of melancholy as he glances up at us.

“Hey, boys. I brought some extra blankets down, so we can get you set up on the couches tonight.”

My eyes dart quickly to Cam then away, hoping Mr. Holt doesn’t notice, then I smile.

“Awesome! Thank you.”

“Dad, do you want to watch a movie with us?”

“Sure,” he reaches for the remote. “We can watch whatever y’all want.”

“Okay, we’ll be right back, we’re just grabbing something to drink.”

I trail after him into the kitchen, looking over my shoulder then leaning into the open refrigerator next to Camden.

“I think he’s onto us,” I whisper.

“I told you,” Camden grins and shrugs. “Lawyer senses. It’s a thing.”

I barely stifle a laugh as we grab cold cans of soda and retreat back to the living room to settle onto our separate couches.