Chapter 28

Primrose

“Icouldn’t do it,” I said, my throat like drywall. Matthew sat on the couch next to me, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“Couldn’t do what?” he asked, gentle. He probably knew and just thought I needed to say it, for… for my own good. Always such a softie. Maybe the world needed softies, too.

It was just us here right now in my apartment—I’d been curled up in the corner of the couch, knees into my chest, just staring at the phone waiting for the text from Giselle once she got out of her class even though I knew perfectly well what time her class ended, when he’d texted.

everything going okay?

He knew full damn well everything wasn’t going okay. So I’d texted that I was fine and said it too aggressively, and he’d come over to sit on the couch with me.

Probably had been hoping to find Sooyeon.

“I got the dirt,” I said, keeping my gaze out the window, where the night sky grew deeper, darker through the tree branches, the lamp at the entryway casting a warm orange glow over the leaves from one side. “Got… some intel on the Lawson business activities. Good stuff. In-depth.”

“And then?”

“What do you think? I called Zach.”

“And then?”

Ugh, this fucking asshole knew the answer. I raked my fingers through my hair. “And I told him I’d gotten nothing. What the fuck do you think? I know what I need to do, but I can’t… I’m not… dammit, Matthew.”

He put his hand back on my shoulder, squeezing lightly. “It’s a terrible burden to have, being the one to make the hit on someone you care about.”

I hadn’t even told him I was… he’d probably figured it out before I did. Sooyeon, too. They were well-matched, for two people where one had zero chance with the other.

“Yeah,” I said, my mouth dry. “Thought I’d practiced this enough…”

“You’re human. Nobody’s going to just go around without any feelings when they do this kind of thing. You are what you pretend to be. You know that. It’s why you’ve fit so well into FIRE.”

I shot him a look. “The hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“Means exactly what you think it means. You’re not naturally the type for it. Same as me. Sooyeon’s like that, too.”

“You know she’s not interested in you.”

“Well, that’s a low blow, but yes, I’ve… noticed.”

“Still keep shooting your shot though.”

He shrugged, not looking all too bothered. “I still like being around her… being rejected is only a problem if you make it a problem.”

Sooyeon had said the same thing… didn’t change the fact that Giselle hating me after tomorrow and never wanting me again sounded like the worst thing that could happen. I pulled my knees tighter into myself, sinking deeper into the couch. “Thought you said I was a sociopath.”

“I said then what I’m saying now, that you are what you pretend to be. At the rate you were going, you’d either end up a hollow husk who never feels love normally, or you’d end up falling for someone for real.”

I turned away. “Hollow husk is what I was going for.”

“Then you’ll be very upset to know I’m glad you’re not a hollow husk.”

“What, you’re happy I have feelings for Giselle?”

“I know it’s complicated…”

“Complicated?” I whirled on him, planting my feet on the floor. “Complicated—I’m going to have to stab her in the back or lose everything I have, and even if I didn’t, I couldn’t go on with her keeping secrets forever. You call that complicated, I call it a fucking nightmare.”

He put his hands up. “Okay. I know it’s a fucking nightmare, then.”

“Dammit, Matthew,” I said, my throat tight, my face hot, tears threatening to burn their way out no matter how I tried to keep them down. “Just—what am I going to do? I have to tell Zachary, but I just… I just can’t. I need… I need you to tell him for me…” My voice crackled, and I dropped my gaze to the floor. Matthew spoke softly.

“And… what should I tell him?”

“That I… Giselle is… their group, they’re going to…”

The seconds ticked by. My mouth was cotton, tangled up in knots, and I wanted to scream because I couldn’t, not for the life of me, not for anything, push it out.

Giselle didn’t deserve this. Maybe her father deserved it, maybe Cass deserved it, but Giselle didn’t deserve it.

I wanted to make the world a better place than it was without me.

“Dammit.” I hung my head. Matthew shifted to my side, putting a comforting hand on my back.

“Easy.”

“Fuck off.”

“Your heart’s worth listening to.”

I swallowed. “My feelings will go away… eventually…”

“Is that what your heart’s telling you?”

“I can’t think straight in the moment. I know logically what the right thing to do is. I… who else is going to get screwed over if I fuck this up? Who’s going to be the next Chris Torres?”

“Which one of us are you trying to convince?”

“Me. Zachary. Can’t there be another answer? I…” I shook my head. “Giselle’s dad likes me. I’m getting in with people close to her. There’s opportunities there. Why don’t we just use that?”

“It’s a perfectly good question.”

“Why don’t we just use that?” I said, again, the words carving out a path in my mind until it was all I could think. “He wants a critical in with a powerful figure in the field of finance. Why don’t we just drop Kent and go with Lawson? It’s right there—it’s all right there.”

“What do you think the answer is?”

“Because… because…” I sank deeper into the couch, feeling like I would melt through the cracks and vanish somewhere below. “Because Zachary has his plans. And nobody gets in the way of that.”

He put a hand on my shoulder, and this time I was ready to accept I needed the comfort. Everything felt so heavy, so cold, distant… “If you want to try to convince him, I’ll go with you. I’m on your side.”

“You trying to get into my pants now that you know Susu’s a lost cause?”

“Nah. I’m not nearly as into redheads as some people are. Just… always resonated with you. I think we’re on the same frequency.”

“Bleh. We just both come from upper-middle-class families and that’s all a posh kid like you cares about.”

He paused. “You do?”

“Uh… I didn’t really mean to say that.”

“What happened to them?”

“I told them to fuck off and die, in so many words. Ugh, maybe this is why I’m into Giselle. My own blue blood ruining me.”

“We both have red blood, Rosie. So does Giselle. You strip away all the status and everything, we’re just human.”

“But FIRE is humans who have gone through some shit. It’s people with our backs to the wall. We’ve got no one to trust but each other.”

“Or maybe,” he said, his voice soft, small, “there are people who have a vested interest in making us think we can’t trust anyone.”

I let out a long sigh, sitting up straighter and picking up my phone. “Giselle and I are going out tonight… her class got out ten minutes ago and she hasn’t texted.”

“Probably preparing a surprise for you. She seems like the romantic type.”

“Yeah, she is. It’s cute. She’s got a tough side, too, though, when she needs to. I think you’d like her.”

He cleared his throat. “I’ve, er, met her.”

“You know what I mean.” I stood up. “Going to go see if I can catch her, okay? And after my date, maybe tomorrow, we can… you know…”

Matthew stood up with me. “You’re going to watch Giselle’s competition, right? I’ll go with you, unless you’d rather it just be the two of you…”

“Ha. We’ll see.” My heart hammered with that sick, nervous sensation—the same free-falling anxiety that I had once I’d said bye then, see you next week to my parents, got in the car, and knew all the supports on my life had just fallen away.

There was no way in hell I was doing this. The logistics didn’t even make sense. And what was I even doing it for? What was the endgame? What was the point?

I thought I’d scream. But first I wanted to see my girlfriend.

∞∞∞

Giselle

The courtyard behind Elliott Hall reminded me too much of when I’d found Primrose broken over losing her relationship, especially with the lamps on the brick wall at the back of the building were the only light against the cool night air. Andrea linked her hands together at her waist, scanning anxiously around the courtyard, before she turned back to me.

“Okay,” she said. “I wanted to ask you something…”

“I’m listening.” I had no idea how to talk to her. What kind of tone was I supposed to use? There was never a handy reference for how to act around an ex.

She pursed her lips. “You’re dating Primrose Carter, aren’t you?”

My throat tightened, and I leaned against the stone table under the hanging boughs of an elm tree, looking up to the sky. “I might be… how come?”

“Just answer the question.”

“I did. I said I might be. Why do you want to know?”

She drew her lips tightly, just studying me for a long time, before she dropped her gaze to the ground. “I just… I miss you. A lot. I miss us. I know I messed up, but I just wish I could have a second chance. That I could do it all again.”

I tasted metal. My stomach sank, a heavy feeling dragging my thoughts out until I couldn’t put them together cleanly. “Andrea… I’m sorry for how things went—”

“I want better for you,” she said, looking up at me through her lashes, hunching her shoulders together, looking small, almost scared. “No matter what we can or can’t be, I still care for you, and I just—I want something better for you.”

I sighed, hard, turning away—I couldn’t look directly at her. I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Thank you. But I like Primrose a lot. I’ve been extremely lucky to have her. I’m not wanting for anything right now.”

“It’s all fake,” she said, her voice low. I shot her a look.

“What is? Primrose?”

She nodded. Something hot flared in my gut, and I turned to face her.

“What’s the matter? What did Primrose do to make you hate her?”

“Nothing.” She looked away, a sad half-smile on her lips. “I like her, personally. We’ve always gotten along all right. Even though she makes fun of my clothes.”

A heavy feeling settled in my stomach, a sinking despair that caught at my limbs like a tar pit. “Since when did you even know each other?”

“Two years back. We joined the group around the same time.”

This was all some kind of bad dream. Or Andrea was making everything up. Or… if there was some secret truth behind everything, I didn’t want to know it. “What group?” I heard myself say quietly.

“FIRE.”

My throat was getting tighter. The night air felt oppressively heavy. “FIRE? Isn’t that that… shady group Zachary Cohn is involved in?”

She laughed, distantly. “He’s the boss, yeah.”

“And you’re a part.” I needed her not to nod. She nodded. “And Primrose, too.”

She nodded, again. I felt like I couldn’t breathe right. Primrose had looked at me like I’d grown a second head when I mentioned knowing Zachary. Ava knows him. I thought I’d choke. “Ava, too? Sooyeon?”

“I’m not at liberty to say…”

Which meant they were. And if they were, I didn’t doubt Matthew was, and Ethan, Tan, Randall, everyone. “But you can tell me Primrose is?”

She scratched her head. “Strictly? No. But I hate to just stand by and see her do this to you.”

“Do what to me?” I wanted to sound casual, but—screwed that up. My voice cracked. Andrea looked down.

“Hurt you. On purpose. Zach’s orders.”

“What are you talking about?” My voice shook. I felt dizzy.

“Zachary decided you were an enemy. Of FIRE. So… got Primrose to go out with you, pretend she likes you, so she can break up with you tomorrow and screw you over before your competition.”

Jesus Christ. I’d expected the happy dream I had with Primrose to come to an end at some point, felt like I was missing something—like it was all too good to be true—but I’d never in a million years have thought it would go like this. “I don’t… don’t know why I should believe that when you clearly have some kind of grudge with Primrose.”

“You don’t have to believe me… I just want you to know before she does break up with you tomorrow.” She sank onto the bench at the table, hanging her head. “After we broke up, I thought… knowing Primrose was targeting you… that it would be catharsis, help me feel like I’ve won, that I’ve really shown you up. But I hate it. I don’t want to see you hurt. It was real for me.”

“Really.” My voice sounded so cold, so distant, I didn’t even recognize it as myself. “It was Zachary who introduced you to me. If all this is true, how do I know you weren’t fake, too?”

“Well…” She shifted, quiet for too long. I thought I’d throw up.

Was everything a lie? Not just Primrose, but—that I’d been Zachary’s plaything for a year and with two different people, and all of it—everything?

I wondered if I was even capable of being loved unless someone was being paid off to do it.

Andrea finally sighed. “I know it doesn’t look good—”

“Then you were lying too,” I said, turning away. Andrea stood up.

“No—Giselle, wait.”

“I don’t really want to. I think I’d like to go home.”

“Giselle.” She took quick steps behind me, following up at my side as I started away, my ears ringing, head spinning, the whole world melting away around me. “Please, wait. It’s true that at first Zachary just wanted me to get to know you—”

“That’s enough,” I said. I thought I’d throw up. It wasn’t enough for Andrea, of course.

“But I really did fall for you—really did like being with you. Zach wasn’t looking for me to really date you, but I did really—I do really care for you—”

“Please, stop.” I turned back to face her, a hazy cloud of red, prickling anger overwhelming my thoughts. “Stop. I’m not having any more conversations tonight. I’m leaving. Do not follow me.”

She clasped a hand over her mouth, looking up at me through tears welling up. “Giselle, please don’t hate me. I’m telling you this because I want to protect you—”

“I said stop.” I sucked in a sharp breath, and I turned on my heel, because if I kept looking at her right now, I’d either start screaming at her or break down crying. “I’m going home now. Good night, Andrea.”

“I’m sorry…” She said it quietly behind me, not following me, disappearing into the night behind me as I walked away faster and faster and faster, trying but never fast enough to outrun the way I was collapsing in on myself.