Chapter 27
Primrose
“Oh, Sunburns is finally up,” Ava said as I came out of the bedroom where Giselle was still sleeping softly, and I checked my phone.
“Finally? It’s not even seven yet.” I looked over at where Matthew sat at the kitchen table, his laptop open in front of him, and I returned the half-nod greeting he gave me before I looked back at Ava. “What’s the morning party about?”
Matthew spoke idly. “Just hanging out with my very best friend in all the world.”
“Fuck off,” Ava said. “We’re just checking in with something once Sheila gets here.”
Matthew gave me a wary smile. “How’s your girlfriend?”
I looked out the window. “Sleeping soundly, so don’t talk too loud.”
Ava gave me a look. “Had her over?”
“Like that’s so scandalous. She’s my girlfriend.” It was supposed to come out as playful ribbing. Kinda fell short. Or maybe went too far.
Ava turned back to the frying pan on the stove. “Guess I’ll get ready for her to make comments about chocolate.”
“Shut up. You love her.”
“Eh… she’s passable at best.”
I’d never heard higher praise from Ava. I set out making something for me and Giselle, and she came out of the bedroom before long, padding softly over the carpet with her hair a cute little mess. I hated the way my heart soared when I saw her like this.
She fell naturally into conversation with Ava and Matthew, and I hardly ever stopped clinging to her the whole time I made food, the four of us sitting down to eat at the same time, and even though I liked the food—I was a good cook, thank you very much—I couldn’t pay attention to it when I was gazing up at Giselle instead.
Christ, I didn’t even recognize myself.
Giselle thanked me profusely for breakfast and gave me a quick kiss goodbye as she headed for the door, although it was more of a see-you-in-a-minute goodbye, going to get ready to see me on the ice. The sympathetic smile that Matthew gave me as I shut the door slowly behind Giselle, sneaking one last glance at her through the doorway—I didn’t need his sympathy right now. Or ever.
Ugh.
It was only once I was showered and cleaned up that it hit me with a cold realization, a sick rush dropping in my stomach. I stopped at my mirror where I’d just finished pulling on my jacket, staring at myself before sinking slowly down into my desk chair and pulling out my journal with hands I just realized were shaky.
I got what we need.
Lawsons are pushing for a big, risky expansion. I’d heard it on the video call—all the details. Nuclear warhead kind of information.
I hadn’t even been trying… I’d just wanted to spend time with her.
Swear it’s some kind of sign from the universe. Telling me to stop falling in love with her and get back to work.
I’ve got to tell Zachary. It’s not a moment too soon. Tomorrow is when I pull the plug, so…
I set down the pen on the page, resting my head in my hands, clutching at the roots of my hair.
Tomorrow? Tomorrow? Jesus Christ, I wasn’t ready for—we’d only just started. I’d only just started to get to know her, and I was…
Exact fucking rerun of Joshua Miller. Except worse, because I just took a personal liking to the guy, I wasn’t fucking—falling in love with him.
I picked up the pen, clutching it in a death grip.
I have to do it. I’ll lose everything if I don’t. If FIRE kicks me out, I’m out of university, out of work opportunities, out of friends and connections, out of a place to live, out of luck, out of time. My feelings for her will go away in time. It’s not worth sacrificing everything for.
I have to do it. I hate it so fucking much. I wish we could have met differently, Giselle. I’m so sorry. I care about you so much, and I’ve loved every second we’ve gotten to spend together. I’ll remember you forever. And regret this forever.
I took my phone from the desk, pushing down the sick feeling like I’d throw up in my mouth as I swiped through to Zachary’s contact and hit the call button.
∞∞∞
Giselle
Primrose showed up late to practice, which was the first sign something was wrong—not like it was her assigned practice time, but it wasn’t like her to show up later than we agreed. I’d been skating halfheartedly worrying about her, and my heart had jumped when I’d seen the door pushing open out of the corner of my eye, and then it sank again when I saw the look in her eyes.
“Hey,” I called, turning back towards the entrance and pushing across the rink, hopping over the barrier towards her. She wouldn’t look at me, her gaze down on the ground. “Primrose? What’s the matter?”
“It’s nothing… let me get my skates on.”
This was not nothing. Her expression looked… haunted. I put a hand on her shoulder, and I felt a cold presence prickling at my face when she pulled away.
“Sorry,” I said, dropping my hand, a guilty feeling cold and heavy in my chest. Primrose suddenly seemed miles away, like I didn’t know her—and then just like that, it melted away, because she tried to put on a smile my way, her face cracked, and she collapsed against my front, burying her face in my chest. “Sorry,” she said, her voice a thin thing streaming through hairline cracks. “I’m—I’m okay.”
“Hey. Angel. It’s okay.” I squeezed her into me—I was already a good six inches taller than her, and with my skates on, she felt so small, precious, vulnerable. “What’s going on?”
“I’m—eating into your precious practice time two days before a competition, that’s what’s going on,” she mumbled. “I’m sorry. You can ignore me. I’m really okay.”
“Uh-huh. Well, I don’t believe you, so what’s your next step?”
“Um…” She was quiet for a long time before she said, “I guess… lie again?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I’m really okay.”
“Not working this time either.”
She laughed, a rough and wet sound against me. “Third time’s the charm?”
“Third time is not the charm. It’s okay, Primrose. You can talk to me.”
She sucked in a long, shaky breath before she pushed back, blinking away tears. “It’s just… things… between me and my friends…”
I could tell that tone in her voice, that hesitation around her face. She needed a minute. I put a hand on her cheek, stroking softly. “I’m sorry,” I said. “You can tell me anything you need, but you don’t have to. Do you want to talk about it or distract yourself?”
She pursed her lips. “You’re so good…” And her face cracked again, looking down. “A lot better than I deserve.”
“Hey. None of that. You’re perfect.”
She sniffled, wiping her eyes. “You just think that because I’m a redhead.”
“I—look, I’m not saying I’m not into redheads, but you and I both know it’s more than that.”
She laughed, giving me a smile that, while fragile and shaky, was clearly real this time. “Distraction. Would be nice. I’ll be practicing some really simple jumps today, so I apologize if I fall over right in your way.”
“You’d have to try really hard to wipe out more spectacularly directly into my path than Jordan does. I’m used to it.”
She laughed, eyes crinkling even where she still had tear streaks in the corners. “Can I kiss you?”
“Um.” Her asking suddenly made it feel like a huge deal and not something we’d done all the time this week. “I would love that.”
She went up on her tiptoes, pulling me down to meet her in a kiss, and I couldn’t place why it felt so… serious. Something squirmed in my stomach, but I was going to give her space, and she was going to—no, we were both going to skate it out.
We hit the ice, and just as she promised, it wasn’t long before she did hit the ice more literally, falling flat on her face. I skated over to help her up, but she pushed herself up just fine, laughing it off, and I found myself watching her more than I should have as I rehearsed the program. Just skating slowly along the perimeter, practicing safe little bunny-hop jumps…
She really wanted to do an axel. At this point, I could have just told my father we were dating, and Primrose could just butter him up a little, and he’d volunteer to bring her to Switzerland with us regardless of what she did on the ice. But… it was more than that. It was about doing it as the culmination of her practice, of her passion. Of having someone who cared for her supporting her.
Ah, dammit. This was way too early to be falling in love. I needed to pull it together.
Primrose looked a bit more with it when we got off the ice, Jordan and Coach Bailey coming in together and both of them—even Jordan—recognizing that Primrose needed some space right now and just giving us polite acknowledgements as we left.
“You were good today,” I said, once we’d gotten back out into the dreary overcast weather outside the rink.
“You were a bit better.”
“Just a bit. I have to be, so I can disappoint my father more actively. Same as the German.”
She pursed her lips through a smile at me, walking by my side down a narrow path lined with low-hanging tree branches. “Danke.”
I laughed. “Have you been studying?”
“Nur ein bisschen.”
“My father is going to trade me out for you.”
She laughed. “Fathers are just like that… even if he did, then he’d be disappointed in me instead. You know how it is.”
“Ah. Probably.” I slipped my hand into hers, wondering if it was too much with whatever was going on right now, but Primrose met me by clinging to me like it was for dear life. “Hey, um… speaking of. Friday evening after next, my father is hosting a big event downtown that I’m not allowed to miss. Fancy dinner and everything. Er… if you wanted… I could easily get him to let me bring you?”
Somehow it was wildly the wrong thing to say. She welled up, squeezing my hand so hard it hurt, and she pursed her lips hard trying to keep the tears back. “That’s really sweet of you,” she said, her voice thin.
“Oh—uh—sorry. I can ask again later.”
That made it worse. She choked on a small sob before she shook it off, furrowing her brow, frustrated now. “God, I’m sorry. I’m just emotional. Um… I think I’m just pre-menstrual and everything is a lot.”
I squeezed her hand. “Let’s go out for chocolate tonight then. I know a cute little dessert place. Only fair after how many places you’ve introduced me to.”
She gave me the sweetest smile I’d seen in my life. “Are they going to recognize you there and I get to make fun of you this time?”
I laughed. “Nothing like that. Unfortunately.”
She pressed herself up against my side. “Tragic, but chocolate sounds perfect. You’re really special…”
It was painfully difficult parting from her to head off for my classes, and I spent the whole time sitting in one class after another agonizing over what was bothering her and—more pressingly, the insistent voice in my head telling me it was my fault. That I’d done something wrong and ruined it just like always.
So all things considered, I was not in the mood for it once I stepped out of my once-a-week three-hour Thursday class at a million o’clock and, in the dark of evening and in the rush of students pushing out of the doors too eager to get away from classes, I didn’t notice Andrea Carlisle until she was right on top of me, nearly colliding with me. And heading straight for me.
A cold sensation rushed through my head, my chest tight. She felt like she was from another lifetime, blue eyes with thick eyeliner, an oversized sweater and jeans, her hands in her pockets but a look of iron determination that I wasn’t used to seeing on her face.
“Giselle,” she said. “Hi. Sorry. Can I talk to you for a second?”
“Uh…” I glanced around, checking the surroundings—Cass was in this class, and normally we’d have been able to walk out together and I’d lose anyone I wasn’t up to talking to. But right now, it was me against the world. Or me against Andrea, which felt worse. “Is something wrong?”
She pursed her lips. “In private.”
“Something’s wrong in private?”
She didn’t even react. Tough crowd. I sighed.
“All right. Somewhere in particular or just over by the Commons bridge?”
“Somewhere in particular. Come with me? Please?”
A cold sensation pressed into my skull just below my ears when it came back to me, startlingly clear—Andrea and Sooyeon, Sooyeon and Primrose. In which case, this whole thing and whatever was breaking Primrose earlier today—
“Lead the way,” I said, trying to look like I wasn’t half an inch from panic.