Chapter 16

Primrose

We almost kissed.

I tapped my pen on the page, looking down at the word kissed like it had come from another planet. The dorm was just me right now, the window cracked to let in the sweet smell of the light drizzle on the leaves, and I found myself in my own little world together with the book.

I’m jumping the gun. We’re not supposed to kiss yet… not part of the plan. Just got into a scenario where it seemed so natural, I felt tempted to just go for it.

I sighed, slumping back against the couch back, monstera leaves tickling my forehead where they draped down. Felt tempted to just go for it, my ass. What the hell had that been all about? I hadn’t even been planning on kissing her at all—I was not a lesbian, for Christ’s sake—but I swear, if Giselle hadn’t pulled away from me on the ice rink earlier, I would have kissed her.

Guess I was better at my job than I realized. Willing to start kissing a woman for the case now. Had to wonder how far I would go.

I shook the thought away. I was not going there.

Managed to finagle an invite to her family work event tomorrow. Maybe Zaxophone will be less pissed with me once I start gathering some intel.

In the meantime, guess I’ll start thinking about how to stage the kiss scene. I swear, this is so much easier with men.

I tapped my pen on the page, still feeling… itchy, antsy with something unsaid. Despite my better judgment, I found myself writing.

Last night has me worried. This morning, too. I’m not supposed to be unloading my real feelings on her.

She told me the sweetest thing when we were out on the ice, and it made me feel weird. I’m not supposed to be getting suckered in by this kind of manipulation. I know it’s not real, that people like her put this thing on just to get what they want.

I sighed, letting my pen slump against my hand. I was hardly one to criticize someone about that. But still…

I’ll have to be careful. She’s better at it than I gave her credit for. Too much more of this and I’ll start to actually like her, and we can’t have a repeat of the JM accident.

I’ve got to focus. There’s too much at stake here.

The door unlocked, and I looked up just as Ava pushed inside, Sooyeon close behind her. Ava stopped, giving me a look.

“Sunburns. Aren’t you supposed to be out hooking up with your girlfriend right now?” she said.

I shut the book. “Interrupting you hooking up with yours?”

“Absolutely,” Sooyeon said, her voice light. “Ruining our quality couple time, Rosie.”

“Shut up, both of you,” Ava said, hunching her shoulders, her hands in her hoodie pockets.

“Aw.” I set the book aside, standing up. “Kittycat’s shy. I’m just about to head out for some lunch anyway.”

Sooyeon smiled slyly at me. “Inviting your girlfriend?”

“Not sure if she’ll come. She’s always keeping busy. But I’ll ask. Pretty sure she’s coming to the hangout at my place tomorrow, though.”

Sooyeon laughed. “That’ll be fun. She seems sweet, honestly.”

Too sweet. I looked away. “Sickly-sweet suckup.”

Ava leaned against the counter, looking away. “Don’t get suckered in, Prim.”

“I won’t. I know what I’m doing.” I just forgot sometimes. To the point where I almost kissed Giselle. I couldn’t get the image out of my head, looking up at her, the way she flicked her gaze from my eyes down to my lips and back. The rush of knowing exactly what she wanted.

Sooyeon’s smile widened. “We’ll play truth or dare. It’ll be fun.”

“Oh, good,” I said, my voice dry. “I’ve missed high school sleepovers.”

“Come on,” Sooyeon laughed. “You get it. We ask Giselle if she has a crush.”

Ava gave me a fiendish grin. “Or dare her to make out with you. I would pay any amount of money to see Sunburns deal with that.”

I sighed. “You and Matthew both. I assure you, you can find lesbian porn online for much cheaper, if that’s what you’re after.”

“You’ve been doing some research, huh?” Ava said. “Guess you need to study up before you and Giselle get busy.”

I looked away, shoving my hands in my pockets. “Ugh. I’m going now. Enjoy your quality couple time.”

∞∞∞

Giselle was available for lunch. Or maybe she made time for me. Wasn’t that sweet of her?

We visited the Walker Building Café and squeezed into the tiny back spot for sandwiches and fries, and Giselle gushed about her classwork and her project she was working on, practically lighting up with excitement. Like she had nothing better to do than dance and sing about how much she loved schoolwork. Perfect little student.

I wasn’t summoning as much venom as I used to. Honestly, I mostly just felt embarrassed on Zach’s behalf making such a mortal enemy out of her… she was just an awkward kid crushed by this oppressive weight to make sure everyone liked her. Seemed like the worst she was capable of, really, was throwing the curve in her mathematical modeling class.

I wondered what we would have been doing right now if we had kissed this morning.

“Hey, can I ask you a question?” I said, once the conversation settled down to a lull and she was just finishing her sandwich. She dusted her fingers off on her napkin, looking up at me.

“Of course. What’s up?”

“Your father is going to be there at the event tomorrow morning, right?”

“Mm-hm. The guest of honor.” The dry, deadpan tone said she wasn’t the one honoring him. I shifted.

“Er… this might be direct, and I’m sorry. But… why does he not want you figure skating?”

“Oh, that…” She turned to the window, resting her arm over the back of her booth seat. The café was up on the third floor, and Administration Plaza below us was slick with the rain, the dark bronze statue in the middle looking pitch-black in the drizzle. I folded my hands in my lap, ducking my head.

“You don’t have to tell me anything.”

“It’s nothing extreme. Just wishes I would focus more on studies. And work events.” She raked her hair back absently. “I’ve missed a few events now… the upcoming one tomorrow interferes with practice, but I was afraid if I missed this one too, I’d be all but burning bridges.”

I hovered there in uncertainty before I managed, “I’m sorry.”

She shrugged. “It’s whatever. Parents, right? They come in all forms, and yet somehow, they’re always the same.”

I looked out the window. “Yeah…”

She shifted. “Sorry… is that a difficult subject?”

“No, just—hard to relate.” I laughed, but it was a hollow, distant sound. “But don’t worry about it. You’d think your father would want you to go get gold medals and everything.”

“He says figure skating medals don’t go on your resume.”

I wrinkled my nose. “How much do you need a resume in the traditional sense if he’s handing you a job?”

She smiled drily. “See, but I can’t say that to him, or he’ll say I’m taking it for granted.” She paused. “You don’t have to tell me, but your family… is it complicated?”

“It’s very simple. I haven’t talked to any of them in a long time.”

She winced. “I’m sorry.”

“Please. Don’t be. It’s a little awkward.” I shifted, scratching my wrist. “I know people who help… have a little community who’s there for me.”

“Ava and your other friends?”

I laughed. “Yeah. And you.” I sat up straighter. “And Jordan too. She’s fun.”

Giselle’s ears flushed a little pink, and she looked back to the window. “Jordan likes to cause problems.”

“I think my entire friend group does.”

She gave me a distant smile suddenly, and I did a double take. “Yeah,” she said, her voice wispy, and I paused before I spoke.

“Er… is that a touchy subject somehow?”

She shook her head. “Sorry,” she laughed, blushing more now. “Just got distracted thinking of something.”

“Something fun?”

“It’s weird to bring up.”

I got up and moved over to her side, shuffling into the booth next to her. “Tell me,” I said, and she looked away.

“Oh, god. You can’t blame me for what I say if you’ve egged me on like this.”

“I accept full responsibility.”

“Just—sounds like something my ex used to say a lot. Talked about her friend group, little… little family that was there for her. Said she wanted me to meet them one day, but one day never came.”

A hot flush spiked up in my chest. She was… talking about me, indirectly, without realizing it. I’d never really consciously thought about why Andrea’s girlfriend didn’t know any of her friends. “Did she talk about them a lot?” I said, trying not to sound nervous.

“In really coached terms, yeah. She was a very… secretive person.” She shifted, sitting up taller. “I’m sorry, it’s probably awkward talking about this…”

“No, it’s fine. I want to hear what’s on your mind. This is something big that happened in your life recently.” I touched her arm gently, shifting in closer to her. Kind of just happened instinctively. I didn’t even know what I was angling for right now—dangerous territory all around.

Giselle hung her head with a sigh. “Just that. It kind of got to me. She kept me a secret all the time, kept promising soon we’d be out to the world together, and soon just went on longer and longer and…”

“Ugh. I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “I can’t complain. I knew when I started dating her that she was a very… quiet, self-contained person. Shy, a little insecure. It’s on me for not communicating more of what I want from the get-go.”

I found myself in nervous quiet for a while before I said, “So… what is it that you want? With a woman.”

“Er.” She scratched the back of her head. “I’m not sure.”

“To not be a secret, for one, I guess.”

“Yeah. Just…” She dropped her gaze to her lap. “Just to be a part of something. To have somebody who does things with me… someone where I’m a part of her dreams, and she’s a part of mine.”

She made it sound so lovely, so innocent. So much so that if I wasn’t careful, I think I’d find myself caught up in it, too. I leaned against her side, smiling, and I gave her arm a squeeze. Touchy-feely. I’d kind of made that up because I knew she was, but it came more naturally than I thought. Maybe there would be something there to think about once this was all done.

“I think that sounds wonderful,” I said. “I’m sure there are lots of girls out there who would love to be that with you.”

She smiled softly at me. “You spoil me.”

“Ha. I try.” I gave her another little squeeze. “You’ve gone through enough people not appreciating you. Your passive-aggressive friend, your father, your ex…”

“If I feel like everyone else is the problem, I think it actually means I’m the problem.”

“Do you think I’m a problem?”

“No! Of course not.”

“Then there you go.” I paused. “How did you even meet her? Your ex.”

“Her friend introduced us for a project she was doing.”

“Oh yeah? Mutual friend too or just a random person foisting a girl upon you?”

“Sometimes I think that’s the only way I could get a date, but… but I digress.” She shook her head. “Guy I kinda knew-ish once. He kind of knows everyone a little bit, though, I think. Punk guy called Zachary, some weird connections.”

My chest constricted, breath suddenly feeling tight. “Oh… um… the one who wears all those rings?”

“Thought you might have seen him around.”

I paused, sorting my thoughts out before I dared speak. “Ava knows him. Says he’s weird.” Which was strictly true.

She laughed. “Seems like a good fit, the two of them.”

Zachary?He’d been the one to set up Andrea and Giselle—after the Veronica Walsh thing? And while the Cruz campaign that Giselle’s father meddled in was still ongoing? And he never thought to mention it?

That dog. He was doing something, and I didn’t like it.

I only realized I was spiraling on the thoughts when Giselle looked at me, her brow furrowed in concern. “Something wrong?”

“No, just… trying to remember where else I’ve seen him, is all.” I shook my head, putting on a smile. I wasn’t sure it was convincing. Giselle gave me a reassuring smile, a little lopsided.

“He gets around everywhere, from what I understand. Probably bits and pieces of him all over.”

Weird. But I couldn’t dwell on this right now. “That makes it sound like he exploded.”

“If anyone would, I think it’s him.”

She wasn’t wrong. I pushed the thoughts aside, resting my head on her shoulder, and for some reason it felt different this time, felt… safer. Like I was taking shelter from Zachary. And nothing to keep me safe like a tall, athletic person who could carry me around.

“I’m sorry your ex didn’t appreciate how special you are,” I said, and she made a low noise in the back of her throat, looking away.

“It’s… I don’t think it’s like that. I think we just weren’t right for each other.”

“Sounds like you’re covering for someone who didn’t even appreciate how special you are. Denied.”

She laughed, nudging me. “Okay, your turn. What do you want from a partner?”

I nudged her right back. “Guess. You have a good read on me.”

“Broody bad boys.”

“Ew. I’m not interested in Zachary.”

“Mm. Someone who likes you getting excited about things, someone who appreciates your interests, and… someone who likes eating adventurous food with you.”

I wondered how close that was to reality. I’d made up the whole thing about insecurities around my interests, but… I was pretty sure those were just generic positive traits. Although the part about sharing adventurous food was probably right, if I ever did decide to date somebody someday.

“Who doesn’t want all of that?” I laughed, giving her a playful shove before I stole one of her fries. “Guess something more specific.”

“Um… girls who wear cat hoodies.”

“Do not put that evil on me.”

She laughed, eyes sparkling. “Don’t know what I’d guess is your type physically.”

“Ah, psh. Probably the tall, strong types. You know how it is.”

“Ah…”

Poor girl. I was killing her, and she couldn’t even tell me why. I decided to drive the knife in deeper. “So? Now you have to tell me yours.”

“Guess,” she said, looking away.

“Redheads.”

“What?” She shot me a flustered look. I put my hands up.

“What? Am I wrong?”

She muttered something, looking away again. I sank against the booth seat next to her.

“With freckles,” I said.

“Who doesn’t?” she mumbled, still not looking at me. “It’s a cliché for a reason…”

“Genetics, I think.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I think athletic types are attractive, anyway. So we’re even.” I shoulder-bumped her playfully before I swiped from her plate again. “And while you’re embarrassed, I’m stealing your fries.”

“You still have fries on your plate.”

“I want your fries.”

She reached across the table and took fries from my plate, which was awfully audacious of her.