Chapter 30 Jesse

I waited until 12:31pm. This technically counted as afternoon. I typed out six different versions of my text before I gave up and just hit send.

JESSE: Hey. I'm sorry things with your mom were difficult. Can I take you to dinner?

I now had the displeasure of checking my phone every thirty seconds to make sure I didn't miss a response. My alternative was returning calls to new contractors and trades who wanted to set up delivery accounts with us. This was positive, but it was not what my brain wanted to focus on. Three phone calls were done before I saw her name on the screen.

SAM: Hey- that's okay, it's... complicated. Anyway, I think I just need a little bit of time to recover? For lack of a better word. It's nothing to do with you, I just have to figure some shit out on my own. I'm sorry :(

I hated that response. It felt like I'd been racing full speed toward a dead end.

No. Not a dead end. Just a stop sign.

I could give her some space to figure shit out. My worry was that then I'd have to also use that time and space to figure my shit out.

JESSE: Of course. Don't apologize. I'm here when you want to talk.

I forced myself to move and get the afternoon deliveries together. My dad kept hounding me to hire a delivery driver so that I wasn't out of the store as often and wasn't hauling tools up flights of stairs at times, but honestly, I just didn't want to. I had to get out of that office sometimes, and this gave me a reason that didn't look like I was running away. I was pulling some pieces of trim when I felt someone behind me.

"Jesse Garrett," a warm voice said.

I turned, half expecting to have to disappoint someone by telling them I wasn't going back to the Mud Hens, but the thought fell away when I saw who it was.

"Coach Brown? It's been a minute, how are you?"

A genuine smile took up residence on my face. This man was my coach from the time I was playing tee-ball all the way through eighth grade. He'd ended up coaching community college ball and then at one of the smaller university teams, but I'd not kept up over the years.

"It sure has. I can't complain—just officially retired, for the second time, and Claire said it was time to come back to Emberwood. We just moved in a couple weeks back, and now I'm to start on her honey-do list of projects at the house, which brings us to my visit here." He gestured around to the store.

"That is awesome; Emberwood is glad to have you back. It was never quite the same without you."

I meant that. He had been my coach when I fell in love with the game and the game had loved me back. The stakes were low, but the payoffs were sky-high when you were a kid who'd just won a championship.

"Well, I'll let you get back to it; you looked like you were on a mission. But Claire would be madder'n a hornet if I didn't invite you to dinner soon, so just be ready to come and eat more food than you've seen in a month. Don't think you can get out of it either, because she's persistent."

"I wouldn't dare turn down Claire. I'm running the store now, so you can pretty much always find me here. It was good to see you, Coach."

"You too, son."

He shuffled down the aisle with his list, and I finished gathering everything for my deliveries and loading the truck. I wasn't sure how to turn the day around, but it felt like Coach Brown came across me for a reason. I felt myself come out of a spiral and back to baseline while we were chatting, and now I felt more rational about the whole Sam situation. I had to respect that she needed some time, and I had no choice but to believe her that it wasn't about me.

SAME ESSENTIAL OILS . Same white noise machine. The last time I was here, I felt like I had made so much progress, but it had now been five days since I'd heard from Sam, and it was too much time with my thoughts. I could only go out with Jer so many times in a week, plus him asking about Lauren was starting to make me cringe.

"Come on in."

I stood and took my familiar spot on the chair opposite her and leaned back, trying to appear relaxed. Rational.

"It's been a while since you called for an extra session. What's happened?"

I launched into a veritable avalanche of everything that'd gone on with Sam since my last session. There was no point in holding anything back; this woman had seen me at my worst, so I figured she could handle me pining over a girl.

"And now my mind is so loud because everything else is so quiet, and I feel like the time I'm going to be able to coast and ignore the ‘life plan' questions is rapidly coming to an end."

"I know that feels overwhelming because when you think about planning for an entire lifetime, it's too much. Too many decisions, too many possibilities and variables. Instead, let's start with what you can and cannot reasonably do right now or in the very near future."

"Okay. Let's do that."

We went through what felt like a million questions, but in the end, I had concluded that I could eventually leave the hardware store if I wanted, but not tomorrow. I could also continue to work there and just treat it as exactly what it was: a job, and I could find fulfilling things in other parts of my life. This meant finding a hobby that wasn't playing baseball. So, my new, actionable plan was to do some interest surveys that she gave me like I was a high school junior to help me "open my eyes" to new possibilities. From there, I was supposed to come up with a list of hobbies or activities to try, as well as a list of jobs or careers that sounded interesting, and we'd make more plans at the next session.

"Before we finish, do you want to talk more about Sam?"

"I... Should I leave her alone? It feels like when I did that before, when I just accepted her shutting me out, it was the wrong move. But now, it is different, and I don't want to make the wrong move again."

"Relationships are hard. I wish there was some way you could read her mind and know exactly what to do, but the reality is that you have to balance respecting her boundaries and respecting your own. If you want a relationship, meaning you want to be with someone seriously, and she's not in that same place? It is okay for you to walk away. Not in anger or resentment, just because that's your boundary. You're looking for something stable in your life, and you'd like to build that something with her, it sounds like. You can respect her need for time and space, but at some point, it is okay to ask if she is interested in building that something with you. Then, you accept what she tells you."

"You make it sound so simple."

"It is rather simple in theory. But that doesn't mean it's easy."

"Understood. Thanks, Doc."

I walked out of there feeling fifty pounds lighter.