Chapter 29 Sam

W hile I eventually made it to the shower and then to bed, I couldn't say that sleeping on things made them any clearer the next morning. If anything, the strongest feeling I had was dread at seeing my mother at brunch.

Zinnia had come by my room and knocked, but I was already committed to sleep at that point and ignored her. I felt guilty, but guilt was just a drop in the bucket.

Jesse hadn't texted again. Lauren told me she was going to instruct him to give me a day, but I didn't know if he'd listen. I couldn't decide if it was a good sign that he was respecting my boundaries or a bad sign that he just didn't care all that much.

It's too early, pessimist.

The affirmations had to wait until tomorrow, but I did decide to pull an oracle card just for some guidance on how to go about my morning.

It said, I trust my intuition to guide me .

I wanted to roll my eyes, but if I was capable of picking up my own intuition right now, it would be decent advice. I pulled my hair back into a tight ponytail and slipped into a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt. If I had to be emotionally uncomfortable, I was going to be physically comfortable. A light knock sounded on my door as I was pulling on my socks.

"Come in."

Zin entered with a large mug of coffee, and I breathed a sigh of relief. She sat across from me at my little bistro table.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you yesterday."

Wow. Right to it.

"It's not your job to protect me, Auntie. I'm a big girl, and she is my mother."

"I sat up for a long while last night. With my cards, with my own guides... and it is so hard for me where Nora is concerned because I have to honor her role as your mother. Even if I disagree, your relationship is part of who you are, and it's something I've never experienced."

Her voice got quiet as she spoke, and I realized I didn't know much about why Zinnia never had kids. I'd always assumed it was by choice, but I'd never thought to ask.

"I want to be here for you, and I want you to be here , in Emberwood, period. But I realize that I may have pushed too hard. I thought it was the right thing to do, but if you don't think it's best, then I won't press the issue. I support you always."

Her eyes were misty, and I hated it. She was my Yoda, and she was supposed to be calm and have all the answers.

"You know that I wouldn't have come if I really didn't want to. I'm a little bit stubborn that way."

"Thank the universe for that," she said, laughing. "What can I do?"

I'd been thinking about that for a while. I knew that she wouldn't try to take on my mother, and now I kind of understood why. I just needed to know she was in my corner.

"Can you tell me if this, " I gestured at my surroundings and then again at myself, "is a detour or a destination?"

I wanted that direction so badly. I'd finally felt like I was picking up the pieces after losing my job and essentially my independence, and I thought maybe this was where I was supposed to be all along, and getting fired was the course correction I'd needed. But now, replaying my mother's words over and over in my mind, I wondered if I was here because it was safe, and there was very little risk of failing again when I had Aunt Zin to hold me up.

And Jesse to distract me.

"I... I think I should let you decide that for yourself. I will say that you should hold on to that stubbornness you mentioned. It serves you well, Samantha, and it's tied to your intuition. When you feel like you need to dig in your heels, it's because you probably do."

"What do I do? Do I make a big pro/con list for my life? Look for graphic design jobs on Craigslist and see if a good one pops up? Start over again somewhere else?"

My voice was getting higher the more questions I asked because I truly had no idea.

"Or do I stay here and live in your guest house and eat tacos and drink margaritas and read tarot cards for people?"

I didn't list the option of going to stay with my mother because that was the worst option. The nuclear option.

"I think all of these are questions you need to sit with and sift through your feelings about. When you're clear-headed and grounded, not right now. I am confident that you will come up with the answers you need, and that this, too, shall pass. And so will brunch."

We both grimaced at the thought of brunch, but the time was drawing near.

"Let's just get it over with. I will try to stay shielded now that I've slept, and you can turn all the brooms in the house upside down."

"I did that at six this morning."

Zinnia just smirked slightly at that before she made her way back to the main house. I finished my coffee, tried to meditate through my nerves, and built the most complex, mirrored shield I could envision before I followed.

SHE brOUGHT A FRUIT plate from the grocery store that paled in comparison to the one Zin had prepared, but okay, it was an effort. I sipped my orange juice, cut my pancakes, and seasoned my eggs. I answered when asked a direct question and nothing more. My mom played along for a while until she was done.

"Are you going to drop the childish act anytime soon, Samantha? Or are you committed to this bit?"

"Not a bit, Mother. Just trying to make it through brunch without you telling me how mediocre I am."

"Dear god, this again. I have never once in my life said that you are anything less than amazing. I just want you to know that and to create something for yourself that is also amazing. I'm sure even Aunt Zin agrees with me here." She shot a look at my aunt.

"We do agree on the semantics, Nora. I just think we may differ on what constitutes amazing. It's really neither here nor there, though. I've told Samantha I will support whatever she chooses to do without attempting to persuade her." My mother's eyes narrowed.

"So, does this mean—"

"I'm not coming home with you, Mom." She was quiet. "I'm not saying I'm going to stay in Emberwood long term. You're right. That wasn't my plan, and it was easier to stay busy and put off making a plan. But I'm going to do it here because I'm doing well. I'm not going to move my life again in the name of figuring out said life. So, I love you, but I'm staying here for now."

"Okay. Well, I had better be getting back so I can prepare for Colorado. Thank you for brunch, Zin. Samantha, try to text me back sometimes."

She tossed her folded-up napkin on the table, walked by my chair, kissed the top of my head, and then she was out the door.

My posture deflated, and I dissolved the shield I'd been holding, sucking in a deep breath.

"Mimosa? I have pomegranate juice and lavender for garnish."

"Best idea ever."