You Might Not See It, but I Do （6）

September

JT knocked on the door, unlocked his phone screen, and held it up. Within a few seconds, it opened, and Audrey stood there, towel wrapped around her wet hair, staring at his screen. "Peep this shit!" he yelled, as she took a moment to view the 81 percent grade he'd received on his latest paper, then squealed and threw her arms around him.

"I told you it was an awesome essay! I mean, it took forever and I helped you a lot , but still. I'm so proud of you." He hugged her back as she pulled him inside and closed the door behind them. "So, what are your class averages so far?" she called, as she headed to her bathroom to remove the towel and brush her hair.

"Um, I think rhet and comp is a 72, and American lit is a 73," he called back, as he went into the kitchen, opened his backpack, and laid some snacks out on the counter for her. "Hey, did you know," he began, as she entered the kitchen, "that in ancient Greece, students had to take classes to learn how to be pervasive in their arguments? Wait, nope…wrong word. Persuasive ."

He shook his head, then continued. "Anyway, that's where rhetoric began. I mean, like, now it refers to all forms of effective communication, but it started as the art of persuasion. Manipulation, to a certain extent. Crazy when you think about it. Like, all communication is essentially trying to persuade someone to do, feel, or think something , right?"

She glanced at the counter, smiling at the assortment of snacks he'd brought for her. "How high are you right now, exactly?"

"I may have hit the pen a few times on the walk over here."

"Well, your infinite knowledge about the most random of topics is charming, DiMara."

It was Saturday afternoon, not one of their normal tutoring days, but it couldn't have mattered less. The two, over the course of the past three weeks, had become nearly inseparable, almost to the point where Audrey felt guilty taking money for tutoring him anymore.

Though it took a minute, Audrey and JT found themselves drawn to each other in a way that neither of them could completely understand. Despite their 13-year age difference, they found it easy, way easier than it should have been, to open up to each other.

The things they spent so much time and effort trying to tuck away from the rest of the world were the things they didn't feel the need to hide from each other.

Even so, JT was very careful not to share too much.

Besides Ryker, with whom he had also begun to grow pretty close, Audrey was the only person who could calm JT's temper. About a week ago, after the combination of a couple bad grades and a fight with one of his teammates at practice had sent JT into a tailspin, Audrey was right there to ground him.

When he'd started to lose it, having thrown a bunch of things off his desk, then nearly putting his fist through his closet door, she'd placed one hand on his shoulder, and wrapped the other around the front of his chest.

He'd frozen.

"JT, I need you to breathe with me. In for four…hold for seven…out for eight."

They repeated the exercise several times.

And it'd worked.

He immediately broke down in her arms, apologizing. "Please don't be scared of me."

"I'm not scared of you, JT."

"You know I wouldn't hurt you, right?"

"I know that."

And it hadn't taken long for JT to figure out that Audrey had an eating disorder. In the short time he'd known her, she'd lost a good bit of weight and they'd never eaten a meal together. Having had a good friend in high school who struggled, he knew the signs and did his best to make sure he was being supportive without being overbearing.

On about their fifth tutoring session, having taken notice of her stomach constantly growling and the fact that she only drank black coffee, he loaded up a bunch of healthy snacks and casually arranged them on the desk when she'd gotten up to use the bathroom. When she came back, her eyes filled with tears.

"I, um, I'm kinda hungry," he told her, "and I just thought maybe…you might be, too. You know, if you want."

"Thank you," she'd mouthed, reaching for a 100-calorie bag of popcorn, opening it, and turning her back to him while she ate it.

"Also, I'm not, like, prying. But I wanna make sure you…have you talked to someone? About it?"

She'd nodded. "I go to therapy for it, JT."

"Good."

Finishing the popcorn, she'd thrown the bag into his trash can and had a seat on his bed while he worked on research for his most recent essay. "You're too damn sweet to be a hockey boy, you know that? Every fiber of my being is telling me I'm supposed to despise you, but you're…making it really hard. Why are you so good to me, anyway?"

He'd turned away from his computer and toward her, staring into her eyes for a few seconds. "Because Aud, I see you as someone who's worth putting up a fight for. You might not see it, but I do."

Their eyes had remained locked in gaze before she'd finally said, "Funny. That's exactly how I see you, too."

And that small interaction had officially kicked off their unlikely friendship.

Now, she reached for a granola bar and JT headed over to her bed while she ate. "So, what's on your agenda for tonight anyway, stud? Don't you have a party to go to or something? I'm sure there's some sorority girl just foaming at the mouth to get her hands on JT DiMara. One named Brinley? Mckenzie? Kennedy?"

"You're funny," he called to her, kicking off his Crocs, lying back onto her bed, and putting his arms above his head. Her pillows and sheets smelled like her, and he inhaled deeply, closing his eyes. "Actually, I was thinking …" He paused.

"Uh oh. You didn't hurt yourself, did you?"

"Well, aren't you just a fucking riot today?"

"Actually, yeah. I happen to find myself hilarious."

"Well, that makes one of us. Anyway, I was thinking you could…come to my game with me tonight. We're playing Michigan State, and one of my boys from the Storm plays for them. I was hoping you would, you know, accompany me."

Audrey stopped chewing, wrapped up the remaining half of the granola bar, and set it down before making her way over to her bed. "Did you say the Storm? As in, the Tri-City Storm? From Kearney, Nebraska?"

"Yeah. I played juniors with them for four years."

"You do know I'm from Kearney, right?"

"Why would I know that?"

She lifted her right foot onto the bed next to him, and pulled up the bottom of her jeans to reveal her ankle. On it was a tattoo of a sandhill crane that went about halfway up her calf.

"Oh, the damn cranes!" he laughed, sitting up to get a better view of it. "I mean, the migration was cool, but it always brought in so many out-of-towners. It was insane. Did you know they mate for life? I mean, like, if one dies, they'll find another one. But if not, they stick it out, for better or worse, ‘til death do them part."

"Of course you would know that."

He shrugged. "It's all stuff I hear that sticks, you know? I don't really retain a whole lot of what I read, but like, I hear something once, and boom!" He pointed to his head. "It's stuck in there for life. Might wanna watch what you say around me, you know? Problem is, people always look at me and think, like, I'm not paying attention, when really, I'm paying attention to everything , taking it all in. It can be a little overwhelming sometimes." He shrugged. "Also, sick ink, by the way. It's beautiful."

"Thank you. You have any?"

"Yeah. Here," he said, sitting up and tearing his shirt off over his head, revealing his muscular chest and back. His midsection was flat, but not shredded. He noticed her staring. "Don't be too disappointed. I don't have hockey abs. I get way too high and hungry for that shit."

"I…it's…I mean, they look…fine to me," she stammered, as he turned his back to her and revealed two cardinals facing each other, one male and one female, on either shoulder. Under each one was a ribbon with birth and death dates and the words "Mom" and "Dad."

"I wanna get more at some point, but these were really important to me, obviously. I don't ever wanna be that guy with, like, barbed wire and a random skull, you know? I want all my ink to mean something, hold a part of me."

She reached out and ran her fingers lightly over one of the birds, causing him to shiver. "Sorry. JT, they're," she said, sliding her fingers to the other bird, "just gorgeous. What a beautiful tribute."

"I see them sometimes. I mean," JT began, pulling his shirt back on, "I know how crazy that sounds. But when my dad died, my mom would always cry every time we'd see one, convinced it was him. And like, after she died, whenever I see a male, there's always a female right near. It's…what?" He stopped, noticing her smiling at him. "You think I'm bullshitting?"

Audrey shook her head. "Not at all. I think," she began, sitting down on the bed next to him, "that you're a lot more in tune with the world than you realize. And that's really special. You're…" She paused, looking down at her lap, "Really special, JT."

"You know, a lot of people tell me I'm special. Though, I'm pretty sure, like, they mean it in a different content. I mean, context ." He grabbed a nearby throw pillow and smacked her lightly with it. "So, anyway, get outta those sweats and get dressed. Game's in two hours."

"JT, I…I'm not going to a hockey game with you."

"Aww, come on. I have to sit in the press box, but you can sit in there with me. I'll just let them know you're my tutor and we have to ‘study' between periods."

"I told you, I can't stand hockey. Or hockey players. You're literally the only exception." She paused. "And Ryker's not bad, either. But…no."

"OK, first off, Ryker doesn't even really count as a hockey player. He's just a nerd playing pretend. And second, what's your deal with hockey players anyway?" he asked, tossing one of her throw pillows up in the air and catching it repeatedly as he prodded her. This was the conversation he'd been wanting to have, but the opportunity had never presented itself.

Audrey stood up from the bed and began pacing in front of it, running her hands through her hair and clasping them behind her head.

It's none of his fucking business, she thought, then fought to ignore the fact that she wanted it to be his business.

She wanted to tell him everything, every single, screwed up part of herself, because although everything inside of her was screaming not to, she trusted him.

Fuck it.

"You ever heard the name Evan Verdano?"

"Sounds slightly familiar."

"Yeah, well. He actually played for the Storm many years ago. We met when I was in college. The team came into the restaurant where I was waiting tables and…well, whatever. We hit it off. We dated for a bit, off and on, nothing too serious. He didn't wanna commit to anything and neither did I, especially knowing he was going to college and would probably get drafted and end up wherever. Anyway, he…"

Did you actually think you could do this? she thought bitterly, knowing she was fighting a losing battle.

JT stood up and wrapped his arms around her when he noticed the tears streaming down her cheeks. "Hey," he said softly, running his hands up and down her back. "Am I gonna have to kill someone? Like, I've never committed murder, but I'm open to it."

She laughed, pulling back from him and wiping her eyes. "No. I mean, if I knew you wouldn't get in trouble, I wouldn't stop you. Trust me." She sat on the edge of the bed, tears forming in her eyes again as he sat next to her and took her hand in his.

"He was drafted his second year of college and mostly ended up playing in the AHL. Last year, he was traded to Philly and he went to Lehigh Valley to play for their AHL team. We'd just reconnected after a long time and started talking again, and out of the blue he asked me to make the move with him. I had nothing tying me to Kearney, and with my degree I could easily get a job teaching at a college or do freelance writing or editing, so…I went. And it was literally the worst decision I ever made."

He could feel himself getting agitated the more upset she got, so he took a few deep breaths and squeezed her hand back when he felt her squeeze his.

"I'm sorry," she apologized, trying to pull her hand away from his, but he held it there.

"Don't be. You can tell me…whatever. You know?"

She nodded and continued. "Like, I know I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world…"

Well, that's bullshit , JT thought. Between her dark hair, mysterious eyes, thick hips and thighs, and take-no-prisoners attitude, she certainly had much more of JT's attention than was probably appropriate considering their age difference and power dynamic.

"...but I never thought of myself as the kind of ugly that gets you dumped, you know?"

"What the fuck are you even talking about?" JT asked, annoyed, not at her but at where this was headed. "Aud, you're not ugly. At all. In any sense of the word."

Shrugging, she continued. "Things were going well in Lehigh. I made friends with a lot of the other wives and girlfriends, went to his games, did all the things I was supposed to do. He wasn't making ridiculous money, but between his salary and my freelance writing, we were able to live pretty comfortably. And I was… happy . I had a ton of time to myself to work on my writing, and things were good."

She stopped.

"But?" JT asked.

"In March, he got the call up to Philly, so he was away all the time. I mean, he'd pop home when he could, but he mostly stayed there. One night in April, I went to one of the games, and I sat with some of the other WAGs, the ones who didn't have kids with them. JT, they were all so perfect, so beautiful. Like, painfully beautiful. Skinny, blonde, huge boobs that didn't hang to the floor, flat bellies, makeup and hair done, just… perfect. There's no other word for it."

"That sounds awful, honestly."

She shot him a look. "Right. Anyway, I tried to make small talk with them, thought I was fitting in, you know? When I got up to use the bathroom, a few of them came in after me and started talking mad shit. I'm not sure if they knew I was in there, but it was rough. I wasn't pretty, I had a fat ass, what the fuck was Verdano doing with someone like me, they had a friend they wanted to hook him up with, just…all sorts of next-level nastiness, the kind that I didn't think actually happened in real life.

"I waited in the stall in tears until they left the bathroom, and I left the game right after that. Texted him that I wasn't feeling well and got an Uber back to Allentown. That night, he went out afterward with a bunch of the guys and their girls, and he met the friend they wanted to hook him up with. He broke it off with me two weeks later. Told me I could stay at the apartment until I found another place and that he'd throw me some money so I could get set up somewhere. ‘She and I make more sense together,' is what he told me. I think he's still dating her, actually."

She wasn't sure at what point it'd happened, but her head was resting on JT's shoulder and his arms were around her. She reached up to wipe her eyes, then lifted her head and stood up, wiggling out of his grasp. "I, um, stopped eating right after that. I never really had a problem with my body before all this. I've always had a gigantic ass and thighs, been pear-shaped, or whatever the fuck you wanna call it…"

"Beautiful," JT interrupted.

"What?"

"Beautiful. That's what I wanna call it. Your body is beautiful, Audrey."

She grinned from ear to ear. "College Boy, you're gonna be the death of me, you know that? Anyway, the…eating thing be came a way for me to punish myself because I felt I wasn't ‘good enough' for him. That's what my therapist says, anyway. And believe me, I'm working really hard to overcome it. I've really made a ton of progress. JT, I'm…so sorry. I shouldn't have unloaded all my bullshit on you. This isn't professional of me."

He shook his head, his eye beginning to twitch, having already repeatedly beaten Evan Verdano within an inch of his life in his mind. "I think we're past that point, Aud."

She faked a smile. "And the worst part is, I really do enjoy watching hockey. So, maybe someday I'll come to a game with you, OK? But not tonight. I can't."

He shrugged. "Then we'll do something else."

"JT, you have to attend your home games. You know that."

"So? I'll skip it. Fuck it. What're they gonna do, sit me out?"

"I'm not letting you do that. Go to the game and I'll see you tomorrow for our session. Did you read your assigned chapters of Gatsby? "

"Um, yeah," he lied.

He damn sure wasn't gonna tell her that he didn't right now.

It's not that he didn't try ; he tried several times, but every time, he just couldn't make sense of any of it. He'd get through a few paragraphs and realize he'd just been looking at words, most of which he didn't recognize, and failing to make any meaning of them. For the first time in his life, he was being held accountable for his reading, and he never felt more like a complete failure.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go. You sure you won't come with me?" he asked, standing up and approaching her with outstretched arms, into which she immediately placed herself and rested her head against his chest.

"I can't," she whispered, running her hands lightly across his lower back and feeling his heart rate increase until it matched her own.

As she lifted her head to look at him, he was already looking back down at her.

Neither of them sure exactly how it happened, they found their lips pressed together, both wanting to deepen the kiss, but both too nervous to make the next move. Instead, they each tucked their chin, letting their foreheads meet before Audrey finally pulled away. "You…should go," she told him quietly. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He nodded, turning away from her, grabbing his backpack, and heading toward the door.

"And JT?" she called, causing him to pause nervously and turn to face her. "Read the damn chapters. I can see right through your bullshit." She winked.

He smirked, biting his bottom lip and shrugging before leaving her apartment, walking back to his dorm, and trying to figure out how he was supposed to handle the fact that he was falling in love with his tutor.