You Are My Home, Baby （19）

He'd somehow fought it.

JT had fought the urge all night long to text Ryker.

To ask him how the date was going.

To see if he was OK.

To see if he… missed him.

But he'd fought it. And it was one of the hardest damn things he'd ever done in his entire life.

Only one text was sent, and it was at 7:50 that morning, since JT hadn't slept at all and couldn't possibly wait one second longer.

J: OK if I come home now?

R: Of course.

Now, as he approached the door to his dorm room, his heart was beating out of his chest, the sound thumping wildly in his ears. He readjusted his backpack, took a deep breath, and stuck his key in the lock, turning it slowly and trying to make the least possible amount of noise, just in case Ryker was asleep.

He closed the door behind him, tossed his bag onto the floor, and peeked around the corner to see Ryker lying in his bed, then released the breath he didn't know he'd been holding. Just being in the same room as him put JT at ease, and he contemplated going to take a shower now that he knew his baby was safe and asleep.

"Banner?"

Immediately, that plan changed as he watched Ryker sit up on his bed, rubbing his eyes. JT instinctively grabbed Ryker's glasses from his desk and handed them to him as he tentatively sat down next to him. "Hey," he whispered.

"Hey."

After putting his glasses on, Ryker threw his arms around JT and squeezed the life out of him, with JT returning the gesture as the two remained locked in an embrace for what felt like forever.

Finally pulling away, both boys wiped their eyes. Ryker grabbed JT's hand and brought it into his lap, neither of them sure what to say, but with JT needing to break the silence. "Are you OK?"

Ryker shook his head, staring down at the floor in front of him, as JT started to feel his pulse speed up but fought to stave off the anger rising within him.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" JT finally asked after taking a few deep breaths.

"He wasn't…as gentle with me as you are, baby."

JT squeezed his eyes shut, popping up off the bed and raking his fingers through his hair. The adrenaline dump overtook him to the point where he started shaking. Noticing this, Ryker stood and tried to calm him down, but JT moved away from him. "Don't. Just…I need a minute, OK?"

JT paced, clenching and unclenching his fists, fighting like hell to refrain from punching something.

4-7-8

4-7…

"Did he do something to hurt you, Ryk?"

Ryker shook his head adamantly. "It wasn't intentional or forced, nothing like that. I consented to everything. He was just…pretty aggressive, and like, didn't spend a whole lot of time getting things ready the way you do. Definitely a little stingy with the lube."

"Did he use a condom?"

"Yeah. I made sure of it."

Alright, so at least JT didn't have to beat someone's ass today.

That was a plus.

"And, like, I just…wanted it to be over," Ryker cried, reaching under his glasses to wipe his eyes, then ultimately taking them off and setting them next to him on the bed. "The whole time, I wanted it to end. He wasn't you and I fucking hated it. I hated every minute of it. I couldn't stop thinking about you and wishing I was with you instead. I regret it, JT. I regret it so much." The young man brought his knees up to his chest, wrapped his arms around them, and dropped his head.

"I didn't fucking sleep at all last night," JT confessed, standing in front of him and reaching over to rub his back gently. "I couldn't even get things going with Aud because all I kept thinking about was how much I didn't want you to be with him." JT's own tears escaped his eyes. "And, I know, like, given the circumstances of all this that it's not fair, Nerd. It's not fair for me to feel this way or to put this on you, but I'm sorry. I can't help it." JT lowered his head so his forehead rested on top of his boyfriend's. "If it makes me a hypocrite, then I'm a fucking hypocrite. Whatever. But I wanna be enough for you. I wanna be your home. "

Ryker lifted his head, his damp eyes meeting JT's. "You are my home, baby."

JT pulled him to his feet and wrapped him in his arms. "Did you shower yet?"

"No. I haven't even gotten out of my bed since he left." He shook his head and scoffed. "He couldn't get out of here fast enough once it was over. I don't even think he said goodbye, to be honest."

"Come on," JT said, leading him by one hand toward their shared bathroom. "Let's get cleaned up. And I, uh, have some cream you can use if you're, you know, sore."

"That would be really helpful, actually," he said, as the two began pulling off their clothes and entered the tiny bathroom, JT reaching inside the stall and setting the water.

"Blood?" JT asked gently.

Ryker shook his head.

"Good. Just make sure you keep an eye on it."

They maneuvered their way inside the small shower stall, both laughing a little at how awkward it was but ultimately figuring it out as Ryker turned to face the wall. JT pressed his chest against his boyfriend's back, running his fingers through his hair and pressing light kisses along the back of his neck.

They both stood, allowing the water to cascade around them, secretly hoping it would wash all of this away.

The shame Ryker felt for having been with someone else.

The jealousy JT felt because of it.

The pain Ryker felt from not having been prepped properly.

The anger JT felt because of it.

"I want you to know you didn't do anything wrong," JT said, resting his chin on Ryker's shoulder. "You know that, right?"

"I know that."

After they'd stood for a bit, JT squirted some shampoo into his hand and massaged it into his boyfriend's scalp. He soaped up a loofa and washed himself quickly before exiting the shower and allowing Ryker to clean up before the water ran cold.

Having already dried himself off and thrown on some sweats, he returned to the bathroom just as Ryker was stepping out, dropping a pair of sweats onto the floor for him. JT grabbed a towel and proceeded to dry his boyfriend off gently from head to toe, then motioned to the cream he'd left on the sink. "You, um, only need a little bit, but it will help."

"Thanks."

Noticing the time, JT rolled his eyes, remembering that they'd both volunteered to help out at Pegula for the Family Weekend public skate, which was starting in about an hour.

"Can we just skip it?" Ryker asked as he came out of the bathroom. "I'd rather lay in bed with you all day, honestly."

"You read my mind, Nerd." JT pulled back the sheets, climbed into his bed, and patted it, inviting Ryker to join him, which he did without hesitation.

He lay facing JT, their noses touching, and brought a hand up to his face. "I'm sorry I complicated things," he told him. "I'm still trying to figure so much of this out. I thought…I needed it."

"Whatever you need, Ryk? I support that. It's not…it's not gonna be easy for me, and I'm working on it. Audrey and I had a long talk and she really put things into perspective. You deserve to be happy, too."

Ryker pulled JT's face forward and the two pressed their lips together briefly. " This is happy for me, JT. This right here."

It was silent for a few minutes, the two of them just lying there, holding onto each other as though nothing else in the world even mattered.

And at that moment, it didn't.

Finally, Ryker spoke. "What was she like?"

"Who?"

"Your mom. Tell me about her." Ryker felt JT shift a bit. "I mean, if you don't wanna talk about her, it's fine…"

"No, are you kidding me? I love talking about her. No one ever really, like, asks, you know? Her name was Amara."

"Wait. Her name was Amara DiMara?" Ryker asked with a smirk.

"Nah. McDonough. She never changed her name, for either marriage. My dad was her second husband. She went through some really awful shit with the first one. Anyway, she was…one of a kind, that's for sure. She came to all my games, yelled at the refs and shit. She was a pistol, man. You couldn't tell her anything. If she thought she was right, she'd choose de ath before she let you think you were right." JT laughed. "But, if she was wrong? She was always super quick to apologize. My dad was like that, too. I was real lucky in that respect. They never let me feel guilty for shit I didn't, like, have to, you know?"

He paused, then continued. "She was strikingly beautiful. Probably the most beautiful woman I've ever met. You're gonna think…this is gonna sound weird, but like, Aud sorta reminds me of her. Especially pictures from when she was younger? After my dad died, dudes were lined up around the block trying to date her. I used to get so pissed off and run away to Ryan and Ty's house every time she'd go out on a date."

He stopped, tears forming in his eyes. "She tried, but she could never find anyone else who made her feel the way my dad did. She really did love him." JT quickly pivoted. "She was smart as hell, too. An excellent writer and like, people smart. She could help you with any problem, and she always gave the best advice. Fuck, I miss her."

Ryker dragged his fingertips lightly up and down JT's arm. "She sounds amazing. So, how do you know Ryan and Ty?"

JT snickered. "I don't know, man. They were ‘friends' with her, is what they tell me. She was roommates with Ry for a bit, but we're talking about a, like, 20-year age difference. I…have my suspicions, but I try not to think about it too much. It doesn't really matter now because those guys are my family."

"They're awesome, especially Ryan. He's really sweet."

"Yeah, he is. Don't piss him off, though. I've seen him lose his shit and it's not pretty. Longest fuse in the world, but when it finally goes? Even Ty doesn't say shit. And it takes a lot to render Ty speechless, trust me."

"Yeah, he, uh, reminds me of someone," Ryker teased, messing up JT's hair. "I can't quite put my finger on it, but…"

"Oh, trust me, I know. Ty's a dick, but to be honest, there's no one on Earth who goes harder for me. That dick is my number one supporter. Anyway, how about your mom? What was she like?"

Ryker sighed. "Kinda similar to yours. Confident as hell. Like, she was a bigger woman, but she wore what she wanted and didn't give a shit about what anyone had to say. Her name was Pam. She was a nurse and did shift work, so she couldn't be at every game, but she made the ones that she could. She always supported me no matter what. And I swear she knew I was gay. She never admitted it or came right out and asked me, but when she'd ask about my love life, it was always, ‘Is there anyone special?' and not, ‘Are there any girls you like?' That told me she knew.

"I hate that I never got to come out to her. I wanted to, I just…never got the chance. I wish she'd taken better care of herself, too. Ate like shit, smoked, didn't exercise. Heart attack got her at 46. Such a fucking waste. I don't even know how to wrap my head around it sometimes. She would've loved you , Banner. That much I do know."

"Mine would've loved you, too, Nerd. Hey, thanks for asking about her. It's…it means a lot. She was my favorite person in the world."

"Any time you wanna talk about her, go ahead. I'll listen. Talk about your dad, too, if you want."

JT smiled, kissing Ryker softly on the lips.

Within minutes, both boys were snoring, lying there next to each other until the world outside went dark once again.