This Is My Apology （10）

"You know, for such a tough guy, you sure whine a lot," Audrey teased as the two made their way up the hiking loop they'd been on for about 45 minutes. "Come on, we're literally almost at the summit. The view is incredible."

"It fucking…better be," JT panted, as he watched Audrey ahead of him as she climbed effortlessly, using her walking stick for stability when needed. She stopped, turned around, and stood with her hand on her hip as she waited for him to catch up.

"Seriously, you're an athlete. Get your shit together, DiMara."

"You know what?" he said, taking the stick from her hand, throwing an arm around her waist and hoisting her up over his shoulder as she squealed playfully. "I've had about enough of you."

She kicked her feet for a few seconds, then stopped as he carried her the remaining 50 feet or so until they'd finally reached the top. He lowered his shoulder, letting her feet fall to the ground, let go of her, and adjusted his backpack before handing her walking stick over. Grabbing his hand, she tugged him toward the edge to get the best view.

It was breathtaking. He looked out at nothing but mountains, treetops, and rolling hills that hugged the Juniata River. Both of them stood there in silence for a few minutes, just taking it all in, having continued holding hands the entire time.

"I come here when I need to clear my thoughts," Audrey finally said, pulling him over to a nearby cluster of rocks. "But right now, I need to clear my bladder. Sit here, and I'll be right back."

JT dropped his backpack and had a seat on one of the rocks overlooking the valley below. He shoved his hands into the front pocket of his light gray hoodie and completed a few deep-breathing exercises, trying to calm his nerves a bit.

They'd made small talk for most of their hike, but there was so much he wanted to tell her that he wasn't sure how she'd take it, mainly the incident from the party last night and the fact that he was falling for her.

What if she thinks you're disgusting?

What if she rejects you?

What if she freaks out?

Maybe it was better to just stay silent about all of it.

Throughout his life, JT had learned that sometimes, sharing too much would scare people away; it'd happened to him more times than he could count. He'd always considered himself kind of a loner, never really fitting into any sort of mold. But since losing both his parents, his desire for meaningful connections, the need to feel loved, accepted, and supported, had all but consumed him.

He desperately attempted to find relationships that would fulfill the ache, the emptiness in his soul, and though they'd always start out strong, they'd die rather quickly.

There was a formula, and it went like this:

He'd convince himself that there was no one he could trust, no one who would accept him as he was. He'd meet someone who'd challenge that conviction. He'd "test the waters" by sharing some of himself. The other person would share as well, and the relationship would ignite, burning fast and bright. He'd let his guard down, convinced that this was it; this was a person he could trust. He'd share way too much. The other person would pull away from him: calls and texts would go unanswered, and plans would be canceled, all under the guise of "being really busy." He would say something really hurtful to the other person, effectively ensuring that things were over between them. He'd be left wondering why he wasn't worthy of love, but convinced that he'd never, ever open himself to this kind of hurt again.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

His therapist, Dr. Namour, had explained this to him as being a combination of "avoidant attachment style" and "anxious attachment style." Most of the time, JT was avoidant, believing that no one could be trusted and appearing withdrawn and distant, hesitant to let anyone get too close. But every now and then, he'd meet someone who'd challenge that, quickly developing an anxious, almost dependent relationship with that person that always ended in heartache.

Knowing this was happening with Audrey, he wanted to avoid it at all costs, to give them a chance at developing an actual friendship, or…maybe something more, if it got to that point.

"Both of your parents died suddenly, JT," Dr. Namour had explained to him in their most recent session. " Your father had an aneurysm and your mother had a very sudden and brief battle with cancer. It's normal for you to fear that everyone in your life is going to leave you, or that you're not worthy of love because the people you've loved most have left you. But I promise you, JT, not everyone will leave you, and you are worthy of love. Getting yourself to understand that is the first step in healing.

"You have to set boundaries for yourself with Audrey. You have to hold back some of your most intimate thoughts, no matter how comfortable you feel with her, until the time is right. Oversharing can push people away, especially those who have similar issues to your own, which, from what you've told me, seems to be the case with Audrey. Try getting to know each other first, build up that friendship before sharing your most private thoughts."

That all sounded good, but he couldn't shake the feeling that she was…different. They'd connected so quickly, so deeply. He could actually trust her.

He knew he could trust her, right?

She wasn't like the others.

His phone buzzed, and when he checked it, he saw that Audrey had sent him a photo of himself from behind that she'd just taken, with him sitting on the rock and staring off to the left, the beautiful view in the background. He smiled as she took a seat right beside him, him scooting over to make room for her. "That's a gorgeous picture of you, JT. You look so deep in thought. What's on your mind, stud?"

Fighting the word vomit that was quickly rising in his throat, he forced it back down, remembering Dr. Namour's advice, and choked out, "Nothing."

"Right. That's convincing. Come on, you know you can talk to me, Jacob. Right?"

And there went any prayer of any further rational thought process.

Jacob.

Something about the way this woman called him "Jacob" melted him into a gelatinous pool of mush. Every. Single. Time.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

"So…I fucked up last night."

Great job, asshole.

" OK," she said, wrapping an arm around his waist from behind. "Care to be more specific?"

"Alright, so…fuck," he muttered, hanging his head as she rubbed her hand against his back. "I hooked up with a few frat guys last night, and they recorded it. One of them posted it to his OnlyFans, and like, most of my team saw it already and knew it was me."

Audrey froze for a few seconds, then removed her hand from his back and clasped it with her other on her lap. "Are you…so you're gay, then?"

JT shook his head. "I'm bisexual, I guess. Maybe pansexual? I'm…attracted to certain people, not just their genitals. If, like, that makes sense."

"Yeah, definitely. But JT, regardless, what happened to you is wrong. You have to go to the police."

"The team is going to try and handle it first, tonight. We're gonna go back to the frat house and, um…ask them very politely, I'm sure, to take the video down."

"That isn't enough, JT. You were violated. That's wrong."

"So, here's the thing: my face wasn't shown, and the only reason they knew it wasme is because of my back tats and the guys referring to me as Redshirt."

"Did you watch it?"

He nodded slowly. "I didn't want to. I… needed to. And I wish I hadn't. I'm not proud of it. I'm kinda fucking sick about it."

"How many guys were there?" she asked.

"Three," he said softly. "Aud, they were gonna gang rape this chick, and I did what I had to do to make sure they didn't." Audrey's loud sigh caused him to stand up and begin pacing. "You think I'm a piece of shit, don't you?"

"I think you're anything but , JT."

"Yeah, but you're acting all weird now that I told you. I never should've fucking told you." His breathing increased and he balled up his fists, walking away from her and over to a nearby tree, placing both hands against it. He tried desperately to calm the rage that was rising within him, milliseconds away from slamming his fists into the bark, when he felt her hands on both his shoulders.

"Breathe, babe. Just breathe, OK?" She pressed her chest against his back. "We'll breathe together. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. OK?"

They breathed in sync until he felt himself begin to calm down, at which point she ran her hands up the sides of his neck and through his hair. He leaned his head back into her touch, moaning slightly at the feeling of her fingernails against his scalp.

"Are you alright?" she asked, massaging his head.

"I am now."

"JT?" she asked nervously.

"Yeah?"

"Can I tell you something?"

She removed her hands from his head as he turned around to face her, leaning back against the tree. "Go for it."

"That…happened to me, too. I mean, it was years ago. But I was with a guy at a party, I was way too drunk, and the next thing I knew, there were naked pictures of me in all sorts of compromising positions all over the internet. I was too embarrassed to say anything, and I eventually pleaded with him and got him to take them down, but I have no idea how many people saw them. You…really, you should tell someone."

"I'm pretty sure I just did."

"I mean, like, the police."

"And say what? ‘Hey, officers. I sucked off a bunch of frat guys and they recorded it.' Seriously? They have real shit to handle, Aud."

"This is real shit, JT. You were violated."

"Everything I did was done willingly."

"Yeah, except the part where they recorded you without your consent and posted it to the fucking internet!" she yelled, becoming frustrated with him, which caused him to raise his hand to her mouth and cover it as he noticed a few other hikers nearby.

Indignant, she reached her hand up to his and ripped it away from her face. "You don't put your fucking hands on me like that."

He smirked, putting both hands up near his face, palms facing her. "Sorry. I'm sorry for touching you. But just, um, so you know? You're really hot when you get all pissy."

She rolled her eyes, trying not to smile. "Fuck you, DiMara."

"Right here?" he asked with a shrug. "I mean, if you want. I have condoms in my backpack."

He reached up and brushed a piece of hair out of her face, bracing for the inevitable shove that was coming his way. What he wasn't expecting was the feeling of her hands sliding against his bare skin, up the front of his hoodie, starting at his stomach and ending at his chest. She pressed her hips into his, rocking them slowly against the tree. "So…get one then," she panted, rubbing his pecs.

"Are you…you're serious right now?" he asked, raising a hand to her chin and gently lifting her face to meet his. He'd spread his legs a bit, allowing her hips to grind into his now rock-hard dick.

She nodded aggressively, eyes locked with his as she continued to dry hump him against the tree. "I know I shouldn't, but I…fucking want you, JT. So bad." He grabbed her waist and backed her up, both of them breathing wildly, as he rushed over to the rock where they'd been sitting and retrieved his backpack. When he returned with it, she grabbed his hand and pulled him further into the woods. "Come on."

Oh, my God.

Is this actually fucking happening right now?

She led him about 100 feet off the hiking loop to an area that was heavily surrounded by brush. When they got there, both of them just stared at each other, unsure of the next move. "Aud," he finally said. "You're sure? We don't have to. I mean, I really fucking want to, but we don't have to."

"Listen, JT. I haven't been with anyone since my ex. And that was over five months ago. This is probably a terrible decision. I'm kinda famous for them, to be honest. But I want it to be…with you, OK?"

"Yup. That is…OK." He reached into his bag and pulled out a condom, shoving it into the pocket of his joggers before pulling off his hoodie. There was a large, flat rock nearby and he motioned for her to follow him. He spread the hoodie across the rock. "Lay down," he told her, reaching for the button of her jeans, pulling the fly open, and yanking them and her underwear down to her knees.

She wiggled them the rest of the way to her ankles and laid on his hoodie as he got onto his knees in front of her and placed his hands on the insides of her thick thighs. He pushed her legs up and instructed her to throw them over his shoulders, moaning loudly as he slipped a finger inside her soaking wet pussy. "Jacob…"

"Damn, look how wet you're getting for me. You want me to make you cum, don't you?"

"Yes, but…we've been hiking and I'm kinda sweaty," she said hesitantly, embarrassed and trying to close her legs.

"And? I want you to tell me," he ordered, pushing his finger in and out of her. "Tell me you want me to make you cum."

"Fuck," she moaned, decidedly turned on by his confidence, especially for being so young. "I want you to make me cum, Jacob."

That was all he needed to hear, as he removed his finger from her and lowered his mouth to meet her body. He spread her apart, slid his thumb across her clit, and flicked his tongue against it slowly, then sped up his pace as he felt her hips begin to rock against his mouth. Wanting to give her the orgasm she needed, that she deserved, he took notice of every movement and sound she made when he'd try out a new technique.

Seeing as she all but screamed when he flattened his tongue and rubbed it slowly but firmly against her clit, he continued with that, in awe of how wet she was for him. He felt her body begin to tense up and, deciding to edge her for just a bit longer, placed his hands on her hamstrings, pushed her legs up, and slid his tongue down to her asshole. As he massaged her entrance with the tip of his tongue, she grabbed two fistfuls of his hair and pulled. "Jacob. Fuck. That feels…so good, baby."

He tongued her tight hole for a little longer before dragging it back up to her clit. She held his head steady while he licked, then shoved her hips up into his face while she came all over his tongue. "Jacob…Jacob," she repeated, tears streaming down her cheeks as she pulsed through the remainder of the most intense orgasm she'd ever had.

As soon as she released her death grip on his hair, he grabbed the condom from his pocket and shoved his pants down. Rising to his knees, he tore the condom open and rolled it down his length. Her legs still resting atop his shoulders, he didn't say a word. Unable to stand another minute of wondering what it felt like strangling his cock, he lined himself up and pushed himself inside her tight, wet pussy.

The sex with her was raw.

It was primal.

It was chaotic, the way he pounded into her and the way her hips shoved back against his to meet every thrust, like they'd done this a thousand times before. Their hooded eyes were locked, both fighting like hell to stifle their moans as they knew someone could come by and catch them at any moment.

He'd never felt like this before with any of the other girls he'd fucked. Sure, he was really good in bed and they'd been into it, but it'd never been like this. Audrey wanted him, wanted all of him, as deep inside of her as he could get. She pulled his face down to hers and moaned into his ear. "Fuck me harder, Jacob. Deeper. Please, I need you so deep, baby."

And that was all it took to send him tumbling over the edge. With a final thrust, he exploded inside of her, coming so hard she could feel it through the condom. "That's it, College Boy," she moaned, pressing her hips against his. "Cum nice and hard for me."

"Fuck," he panted, finishing up and holding the condom carefully in place as he pulled out of her. "Holy shit." As he tied off the condom, he watched as she pulled her pants up quickly, turning away from him and trying to cover her body.

She picked his hoodie up from the rock and tossed it to him. "Sorry. It's a little…wet."

"Yeah, I guess so. You were practically leaking for me," he said, pulling it over his head as he noticed her staring at him. "What? You were."

Tears filled her eyes, then a second later, she burst out laughing. "I don't…I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm just…shaking, still. JT, that was incredible. It's just…I mean, do you realize that we just did all that, but haven't even kissed?"

"Well," he said, moving closer to her, then grabbing the sides of her face. "Let's change that then."

He leaned in slowly, their lips meeting, followed quickly by their tongues. She couldn't get enough of tasting herself on his full, pouty lips. Her hands wandered to his hips, squeezing lightly as their tongues played together, the kiss ending with her biting his bottom lip lightly and pulling it between her teeth.

"There," he said, backing away from her. "Now we've kissed and I've eaten your asshole on a giant rock in the middle of the forest."

"Wow. That's…so romantic."

"What can I say? I'm a romantic guy," he teased, slinging his bag over his shoulder. "Anyway, we should get back."

"Yeah. Also, um, JT?"

"Yeah?"

"We probably shouldn't do that again."

"You're probably right," he agreed blankly.

"Good, so we're in agreement. And we definitely shouldn't do it again…tomorrow night?"

"Definitely not, around 7:00, your apartment, after I get back from practice and shower?"

"Or, at 7:45, after my therapy? Yeah," she said with a smirk, "definitely not."

"Good," he said, pushing past her, playfully bumping her shoulder, stealing her walking stick, and quickening his pace. "Glad we're on the same page. Now, you're not beating me down this goddamn mountain."

Audrey smiled, grabbing her phone as she walked behind JT and sent a quick text to Jess.

A: (tongue emoji) (peach emoji) (wet emoji)

A: This is my apology.