29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Christian

It was mid-November, and I rushed to my boring economics class after grabbing a cup of coffee. The morning was cold and windy, so I kept my head down, trying to make it to class on time.

When I sat down in the amphitheater-style class, I had two minutes to spare. After pulling out my laptop and getting it ready for notetaking, I took a long sip of my coffee.

But as the teacher droned on about things I wasn't interested in, I got lost in my thoughts and worries.

I'd barely seen Darren since we started school, and I grew increasingly lonely, missing him so much. We texted sometimes, but he'd been so busy with football and school. On top of it, the football team did several charitable events and fundraisers.

To make matters worse, my roommate got increasingly agitated around me, which brought down my mood. So, I spent most of my time in the library studying or just hanging out. The only time I visited my room was to shower and sleep with one eye open. Since my nights were so restless, I grew increasingly exhausted.

The longer I was away from other people, the worse I got. I felt the fear growing like a dark cloud looming, threatening. And I stopped trying to make friends, unsure of whom to trust or not, as paranoia settled in comfortably in my mind. I'd also stopped wearing my pretty things and recently cut off my hair. I didn't cut it too short, but I couldn't pull it back anymore. I was desperate to keep the focus off me, unlike back in high school.

Since I didn't have the same support system as Darren, I'd lost most of my confidence.

Dillon and Cade had reunited, and I could've reached out to them, but they were both in the same situation as Darren. I barely saw them.

And to pile on my issues, because I didn't have enough of them, I was lost, still having no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Everything had revolved around Darren for so long that I just stopped thinking about myself. We'd talked about it before, but now that I'd been alone and things were falling apart, I really felt the impact of being a boyfriend to Darren.

"I've posted your test grades on the portal. Please go over it, and if you're struggling, make sure you set up an appointment with me to see where you can improve. My office hours are on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from four PM to six PM," my professor said, bringing me back to reality.

When class ended, I went to the student lounge to grab a quick bite to eat, and then to the library to study if I could. I was really struggling to focus these days.

As much as I needed to talk to Darren and be with him, I didn't bother him. He was busy and had bigger things to worry about than my whining. I just needed to pull up my big boy pants and grow up .

Instead of sitting at a table in the library, I tucked myself into a quiet corner by some books that no one ever searched for. Old ones that were long forgotten. It kept people away from me.

I folded my legs, put my computer on my lap, and looked up my economics test grade.

I stared at it, blinking several times as if trying to unsee what I was looking at. It was impossible. I'd never received a bad grade in my life.

Soon, that big letter ‘D' blurred through my tears.

God, I was such a failure. I struggled to get my shit together and focus. It was like I forgot how to be… me.

It was late afternoon. Reluctantly, I stood and headed back to my dorm, praying Mark wasn't there. I'd already put in a request to be moved to a new dorm next semester. I had a month left with that asshole. Once I was out of there and Darren was finished with football, things would improve. I could feel it. There was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Mark didn't only use biting words when he was in a pissy mood, but sometimes, he'd slam his shoulder into mine if I was in his way. The aggression was worrying. I could text Darren and tell him, but he'd probably hurt Mark in retaliation, and then Darren would get kicked out of school. I couldn't allow that.

One more month. You can deal with him for that long .

When I entered my dorm room, relief flooded me, and my body unclenched when I found Mark not there. So, I ate an early dinner and set about cleaning up my area.

As I was folding my clothes and putting them away, I heard the keys in the door lock. My body instantly froze, and I made myself as small as possible .

"Fuck, you're here. I like it better when you're hiding away like a little mouse," Mark said as he closed the door behind him, his words slightly slurred, indicating he'd been drinking.

My hands trembled as I folded a T-shirt, doing my best to ignore him, but his eyes burned a hole in my back. I could feel him staring at me. He was nuts and a homophobe. I didn't care if he liked me or not, but why couldn't he just leave me alone? His being an asshole wouldn't change my very being. It wouldn't change that we were roommates.

I heard him fall back into his bed. Maybe I'd get lucky, and he'd pass out or something. Instead, I listened to the sounds of a bottle opening.

"Wanna beer, little mouse?"

"No, thank you."

"I didn't hear you."

With a deep breath, I sucked in as much bravery as possible and turned to face him. "I said, no, thank you. Why can't you just leave me alone?"

He scowled and sat up, chugging back half of his beer. After he belched, he wiped his mouth with his hand. "I'm trying to be fucking nice."

"Nice? Why now? You've been an asshole to me since we moved in. I get it. You're some homophobe, but I am who I am."

He stood and walked over to me. My body froze, and my eyes widened. I did my best not to look like a deer caught in the headlights, but I wasn't a fighter. I'd never been physically strong. It was why I could take harsh words over harsh fists.

"Why do you hate people like me?" I asked, not really wanting to know. I didn't care, but I needed him to stop and think before he reacted.

"You mean pretty girls?"

"I'm not a girl."

"You want to be."

"I like being a guy. "

Arguing with this prick was useless, and I didn't know why I was now of all times.

"Doesn't look like it to me."

A weird sense of anger hit me. "You in the closet, Mark. Do you want me? Is that what's going on? You hate me because you hate yourself?"

Fuck, I shouldn't have said that, especially with the wild and angry, glassy, dark eyes on his face, and that he'd been drinking.

"What the fuck?" he hissed.

I backed away until I hit the edge of my bed and fell onto the mattress. "I'm sorry!" God, I shouldn't have said that.

Mark suddenly came at me, grabbed my hair, and pulled back my head. "I was trying to be fucking nice! Drink the fucking beer!"

"No!"

He shoved the bottle into my mouth, and I tried to pull away, but he kept my head still as he poured the rest of his beer down my throat. I coughed most of it up and all over me.

Mark tossed the bottle onto the ground and backhanded me. Blackness hit me for a second, and I was dazed. Before I could react, he straddled me, pinning my arms above my head.

"Let me go!" I yelled. "Help! Help!"

"Shut the fuck up, bitch!"

He grabbed one of my socks and shoved it into my mouth, making it hard to breathe. My heart beat so hard it felt like it was trying to escape my chest, and my mind started blanking out from the panic.

Fight or flight didn't hit me. This need just to give in was overwhelming, and that it would be better for me than to fight. It would hurt less.

"People like you make me sick," he hissed, leaning down toward my ear. "Men wanting to be girls is fucking unnatural."

It was hard to breathe through my nose, filling up with snot as the tears came. I was helpless, unable to move and fight .

"Do you want to be fucked like a girl? Do you have a pussy or a cock?"

I shook my head rapidly, trying to tell him no, but it was useless.

Mark sat up, and the blow came so fast I wasn't prepared. Blackness filled me. There was nothingness. No pain. No thoughts. Was I dead?

I slowly became lucid to find him ripping my T-shirt into pieces, yanking it off me. I squirmed to get him off me, clawing at him now that my hands were free.

"Well, you don't have tits."

He jumped off me and started to yank off my sweats, and I kicked at him, to no avail.

Oh, god…

No, no, no…

This was insane. How did things escalate so quickly?

I tried to get up and run, but he punched me again and I fell back onto the bed. My face burned and ached as he continued to paw and claw at me.

I shook it off when my panic suddenly turned to pure rage, pulling out the sock.

"No!"

With all my strength, I shoved him back, and he landed on his ass. I kicked him in the nuts while he was down. He cried out and quickly cupped his junk, so I kicked him in the face, too.

As he lay there groaning, I grabbed my hoodie and jacket and ran.

I ran and ran and ran, having no idea where I was going. I looked back repeatedly, terrified Mark was chasing me. Out of breath, I gasped as I landed with a thud against the library doors. I opened them and didn't stop running until I was in my usual spot.

How did this happen?

Why? Why ?

I curled up into a ball and sobbed, feeling more alone than ever. My hands shook, and my body trembled so hard that it twisted my gut, making me want to throw up.

Mark almost raped me.

I couldn't wrap my mind around it. It was like a living nightmare, something I'd wake up from because it seemed impossible. It wasn't real.

But it was real. My face would be covered by the evidence of that violent reality.

The shaking in my body grew so strong that I couldn't move as I continued to sob, and the need to throw up grew, but I swallowed the burning acid.

God, I wanted to go home.

My life needed to change immediately. I couldn't stay here. Darren would just have to live without me. He had goals, and I wasn't going to stand in the way, but I was done. I was finished—no more.

I needed to go back to my mother. I needed help.

The tears came even harder when I realized I'd left my phone behind, but I wasn't about to go back and get it. I'd stay in this corner all night if I had to.

I didn't know how long I lay there, tucked tightly into a corner of bookshelves, feeling forgotten as much as these old books were. My body hadn't stopped shaking, but I'd finally started to doze off from sheer emotional exhaustion.

Yes, let me forget, even for a little bit.