Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

Reed

I'm so far in over my head that I'm drowning. Like I'm underwater, my arms are locked to my sides, my ankles tied, water flooding into my mouth whenever it opens, filling my throat and choking my lungs.

I stare down at the script.

Why the fuck did I do this to myself? I sat there at Randy's and agreed to something I knew I shouldn't be agreeing to.

All because I could feel him next to me. His knee pressing into my thigh, his elbow against mine. His hand resting down on the table with those black painted nails, a faded word written on the back of his hand that said pistachios.

Fuck, I wanted to touch him. I wanted to ask about pistachios. Wanted to ask more about where he grew up.

Walking down to the room where we're filming, Lennox next to me, I'm still practically shaking with the need to touch him. If it ever happens, I don't know if I'll ever be the same again. I don't know if my fingers will stop rattling, if my cells will stop vibrating, if my thoughts will steady.

I feel like touching him would change me forever.

I am not a guy who has thoughts like that. I never would have before. All I do is play water polo and do shit with my roommates. I don't do stuff like this movie. I don't like guys.

But here I am.

I'm about to make my acting debut in a dilapidated and abandoned hotel, and I'm having this response to a guy, while his brother jogs up next to me, saying some words to reassure me, but I'm not even listening.

I'm still thinking about Lennox. It's not just lust.

Or at least, I don't think it is.

I don't know.

I still keep coming back to that thought: I don't know .

But would I want to ask him all these questions if it was just lust? Why would I give one single fuck about pistachios?

I think he inspires me.

I can't remember the last time I was inspired.

Lennox heads to the library with Indy while Jamie and I pause at a room about midway there. Battery lights shine from the corners, everyone moving around, seeming to know what they're doing.

Jamie places a reassuring hand on my shoulder, holding a clipboard in the other. "We'll do a super fast rehearsal so we can block out the scenes, but I think we'll mostly jump straight in just to get going. After Lenn's done with Indy, they'll be here and we'll get started. Don't worry, we'll have time to get everything done."

I tug down on the brim of my hat. Everything I've got tells me to lock down my features. Play it off. Not let anyone into my thoughts.

I look at Jamie. He's got Lennox's eyes and his thick, dark brown hair too. It's curling out from under his beanie.

But I don't have any of the responses to him that I do to Lennox. Jamie's familiar somehow, though. And if Lennox trusts him, I guess I do too?

I flip my hat backward. "You're aware that I've got no fucking clue what I'm doing, right?"

He laughs. "Like any of us truly do."

I glance around at all the props and organization. "It looks like you know what you're doing."

He glances out at his clipboard. He's a couple of inches taller than Lennox, but I still have some height on him. Well, I pretty much have height on everyone.

"The scene's mostly nonverbal," he says. "So there's no need to run lines. Your and Indy's character will crawl through the window, sneaking into the hotel, laughing, being playful with each other. Once you get inside, there's a moment between you two."

I stiffen. "I remember from the scene with Jonas yesterday."

His brows pinch under his beanie. "It's your character and Indy's character . Not actually you and…"

I scrub at the side of my neck. "Indy and I haven't…"

His eyes widen. "Oh. I guess… I shouldn't have assumed." He smiles but then wipes it off his face. "You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable doing. You've really been thrown into this."

I emit a tense sound. "I threw myself into it."

And maybe just because I wanted to spend more time with your brother . Maybe because I didn't know how else to do it. I just want to be around him, with no real explanation as to why . Why is driving me fucking bonkers?

And now I'm supposed to kiss—or something like that—the girl I've got this situationship with in front of everyone. Lennox included.

My entire body tightens at that thought.

What the fuck did I get myself into?

I bite back a groan.

I didn't think this through.

"We'll sort it out." Jamie's dark brown eyes lock on me. Both him and Lennox have that disconcerting trait of actually looking at people when they talk. "We'll have a conversation with Indy. We've had these conversations before. Her and Jonas talked about it before their scene. It's just part of the process."

"I guess," I say.

Voices come from down the hall. Jamie and I are still standing in the middle of the room when Indy and Lennox walk in. There's a flutter of activity, people moving everywhere in the small space, checking the windows, getting lights set up, microphones, and I don't even know what else. I'm static in the middle, watching everything unfold around me.

Lennox becomes part of it all. He moves assuredly, answering questions, leaning his head close to Jamie when there's a question about what to do. He's deeply involved. And he smiles, making a few jokes with Verity, but when he catches me standing there, his smile fades. His eyes rove over me. Questioning. Prying.

And, fuck, I feel that look, in my stomach and tickling along the inside of my palms.

Does this make me bisexual? Seems like. But it's such a tiny revelation compared to the knowledge that someone can turn me on this much. It feels like a footnote in comparison.

I didn't know it was possible to be this attracted to anyone.

The urge to brush a hand against his shoulder or his forearm or even his hip is nearly overwhelming when he passes close to me, checking how the lights look on camera while Jamie's double checking the windows, the dresser and bed, the ceiling and floor.

He's double checking everything.

I walk to the window when he asks me too. The glass is swung open. All the windows here are on side hinges. I've never seen anything like it. I crawl over the frame and step into the soft ground outside.

A drizzle is still coming down, pricking along my forearms and dusting my chin as I flick my hat backward.

But it feels like my blood is boiling. Like my guts are vibrating.

I'm so fucking attracted to him.

He's inside, setting up Verity with the boom mic as we get close to starting, his hoodie unzipped, that floral shirt flat over his stomach, his pecs. The tears in his jeans showing his knees, small strips of skin. Knee skin. One that looks like it's been scraped up recently.

There's nothing sexy about knee skin.

But I can't stop looking. Can't stop wondering what it would be like to slip my hands into those rips and trace my fingers along the arc of his knees.

I suppose I would need to be on my knees for that to happen.

Kneeling in front of him.

Fuck. I don't know why I can't stop thinking about it. Even as Indy climbs out the window. I offer her a hand since her legs are shorter than mine, but she doesn't need to take it.

"Are you ready for this?" She winks at me as she jumps on the soggy ground.

"Not really."

She laughs. "Fair answer."

"We should talk about it," I say, licking rain off my lips. "We're supposed to be all over each other."

She nods, her smile fading. It's dark behind us, the empty lot extending out toward the fence, a handful of hulking trees that could be hiding anything. Weeds and tall grass growing over whatever's left of the landscaping. It's hard to see with the only light coming from the window, diffused and muted.

"It's acting," she says. "It's all made up. Pretend. And besides that, it's just supposed to give the idea that we're together. This isn't like erotic or anything. Just to establish the relationship, and the scene is cut." Her eyes move around my face, like she wants to say something else.

"Pretend," I repeat, taking a breath.

A thick heaviness fists in my chest. I like her. I genuinely do. Hell, I'm supposed to like her. And it feels like she's got the potential to return that?

Do I throw that away because I keep staring at her roommate? A guy who hasn't shown me any slip of interest outside of tossing questions at me, half of them sounding like I'm getting under his skin.

But I think I'm sounding like a dick. If I'm not into her in that way, I need to tell her.

Although now? As we're all locked in this film together? As I'm supposed to have this scene with her?

"So, we crawl through the window." I just need to get this part sorted, get through this scene, or whatever it is. "And then I chase you around the room. And we laugh. And we kiss."

She blinks up at me. "It doesn't need to be a full kiss."

"Do you want it to be?"

"I…" She glances over my shoulder at the window. I don't follow where she looks. I don't want to turn and see Lennox there, on the far side of the room. I've just barely gotten my heart rate under control. I don't need to send it skittering again.

"We can stop at any time you need," Indy brushes water off her cheeks. "And maybe we don't do a full kiss? You can kiss my neck or something? But we should probably get going before we get too wet. Just do what feels natural to you."

I nod, shoulders tight, thoughts uncertain.

"Are you ready?" Jamie asks from the far side of the window.

I nod again, pulling my body under control, like I do for a game, steadying my breaths, focusing on the task ahead.

Everyone is watching me, and it's unnerving. Jamie has a small camcorder, Verity's holding the mic, Umar's maneuvering some lights.

And Lennox.

He's leaning against the far wall, hands in his pockets, eyes fixed on me, but no expression. He's waiting.

They all are. Waiting on us.

I suppose it's time to do this.

"Alright," I say.

"Okay, places everyone. Roll sound." Jamie nods to Lucía, the lime green of his beanie making him obvious as the lights dim. Maybe that's why he wears it? "Call it."

Umar holds up a clapboard. "Scene one, take one."

Holy fuck, it's like all the actual movie stuff, and then suddenly, I hear the word "action."

I freeze.

Totally fucking freeze.

I'm standing there, dumbfounded, vaguely aware of Lennox's eyes on me. Indy pushes herself through the window, glancing back at me. Her lips are lifted, her expression bright and edging on devious, which is how her character is supposed to act.

And I don't know.

I'm just standing here.

She pauses halfway through the window. And I'm still not moving.

"Uhh…" I take a jerky step forward, remembering I'm supposed to be helping her through. I shove a hand out to help, then stop.

There's so much attention on me.

I've forgotten what I'm supposed to be doing.

"Can we…" I shake my head, slip off my hat with the intention of flipping it, but then remember I'm not supposed to, so I resettle it. "Can we start again?"

"No problem," Jamie says. "We're still rolling. Indy, back to start. Just go when you're ready, Reed. Don't stress about taking a minute."

"Alright." I itch at the side of my hat. I'm so far out of my usual world.

And part of me wants to say fuck everything, drive back home, have some beers with the guys, and talk about nothing. That's the kind of guy I'm supposed to be acting like, too.

My jock character, who's focused on getting his dick into his girlfriend. He'd probably even talk like that, not caring about anything else.

That's not me.

Actually, I'm playing Archer. Which is unsettling.

"Reed." Lennox's voice comes from the far side of the room. He pushes off the wall. I can't clearly see him with the lights positioned between us, but I know his voice. I know his countenance.

I close my eyes for half a second, and I picture his room. The art on the walls, wings stretching out. All that he creates, that comes out of his mind .

A different kind of world.

"I'm ready," I say.

The next take goes better. I still mess up as we're trying to crawl into the window, but I get it the third time.

Indy laughs as soon as we get inside, flirting with her eyes, and I do the thing I'm supposed to do and chase her playfully. My fingers brush along her damp shirt, her hair tickling my hand. We act out the moment in the script where we hear a noise, a door creak that Lucía makes on a small box with a dowel and string.

It's strange.

I'm someone else.

Out of body.

My hand moves to Indy's waist at the right cue. Then I question putting it there. Question the way I'm looking down at her. How we're standing. What I'm going to do next.

In some external world, where a camera is recording us, I'm smiling.

It all comes easier than I expected. It feels oddly familiar . Looking down at a girl and being aware of what I'm doing, how I'm moving, how it's being recorded.

I'm aware of the mechanics. Of what she'd like me to do. Of what I'm supposed to do next. All eyes on me.

I've felt this before.

What I'm supposed to be doing.

The guy I'm supposed to be.

It's all right there in my head as I pull Indy to me. I bend down, and my body moves automatically. I'm inches from her lips when I tilt my head. I press a kiss against her neck. Soft skin, she smells sweet and floral. I press another kiss under her jaw.

The lights shift, the camera is there. Indy makes some kind of giggling noise that sounds so unlike her. My character holds her, and he kisses her again, on the lips this time, backing her up to the bed.

It's not me.

And then Jamie cuts the scene, and I step back. There's talking and movement. Indy touches me on the forearm and tells me it was good. Jamie says the same thing, watching a playback to see if we need to do another take. Lennox's spot is empty by the wall.

And I'm dazed.

I'm remembering how it felt. How it's felt before. In the past. Other girls, other times.

I think that, maybe, every kiss I've ever had… they've all been a performance.