Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

WINTER

Four hours earlier.

Since The Autumn Ball was one of the better attended charity events of the year, and because the funds raised went to a variety of good causes, I couldn’t fault the intent, and truly hoped each of the beneficiaries came away from the event with generous checks.

Working in the field of social work with the ludicrous trust fund I had must be an offensive irony to probably ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the population who wouldn’t hesitate to call bullshit on it being true—even though it was. The other point-one percent of the population—of which my mother was at the top of the list—knew it was true and thought me a stupid fool for wanting to use my money for something other than a Tesla or a rainbow of designer handbags in every hue anyone ever decided was a good idea.

Please. Did anyone really need a purse in pumpkin-orange leopard with purple croc embellishments? Even if the whole bag were environmentally constructed from top to bottom, I’d still say no.

I had more important, long-term things on my mind.

Like being nervous as hell about going out with James tonight. Our friendship had definitely changed, but his hot and cold mixed messages had really started to mess with my head. I hadn’t heard a peep out of him since his text on Thanksgiving telling me I was in trouble for not messaging him. Over the last weeks, he’d made gestures and said things that gave me hope he actually might see me as more than a friend. And then, even going so far as to offer to marry me to benefit the both of us, but I already knew that a "pretend" marriage wasn’t in the cards for me.

I was unable to pretend anything with James.

Therefore, my decision was made.

I’d thank him again for offering, but there was no way I’d take him up on it. I’d find a different pathway to making my career dreams materialize. I belonged to a very generous family who were charitably minded. Maybe I would go to work for BGE and head up their philanthropic development as Caleb had suggested to me before. There were other roads I could take than torturing myself with a fake marriage to James. I hope I don’t lose his friendship in the process.

And I still couldn’t get over the fact that an offer of marriage was a major thing to just give away to a friend. Why on earth would James do that for me? But as soon as I started to believe he felt something more than friendship, his walls would go up and he’d back away again, putting a distance between us that left me frustrated and confused as to whether I’d dreamed up the whole thing in the first place. But that kiss he gave you in the elevator says different.

My point exactly.

Even Brooke had noticed. Earlier, when the two of us were getting hair and makeup ready for tonight, she’d asked if James and I were seeing each other. I lied and told her we were just very good friends, but I’m not sure if she believed me. She’s an intuitive one, that girl. She’s also the best thing to ever happen to my big brother. I hope when Caleb and Brooke are married someday, that they’ll have lots of nephews and nieces for me to spoil. Caleb will be such a great father. He was so much like our own father it was scary. Caleb was pretty much our dad’s clone.

It hurt my heart to be reminded again that he was gone. I missed my father so much, and I knew the rest of my family did too. He would’ve been here tonight, supporting the charities and enjoying himself immensely. My dad was altruistic to his core. When I announced I’d be majoring in social work, my mother said I’d been bitten by the same bug. Dad was proud of my choice, and he told me on his deathbed to follow my heart and never compromise my dreams for anyone. He made me promise to trust my instincts and not be influenced by any disapproval I might encounter from others. In particular, my mother. To be fair, she wasn’t disapproving so much as unenthusiastic. Her reaction was half-hearted, and I could tell she believed I’d be wasting my life on public service when I could just support a few chosen charitable endeavors with a fat check while still spending the bulk of my time shopping and lunching with other girls who’d also inherited excessive trust funds.

But that sort of life was not me.

I wanted more—for myself, and for my life’s work. I was grateful my brothers and my sister felt the same way I did. Just sitting around spending our father’s money and wasting time wasn’t how any of us rolled. Willow was a super successful author, and my brothers had each found their niches in different areas of business. We were all making our way in the world, as we should be.

I sighed, thinking that all this ruminating was depressing as hell, and totally pointless. Only time would tell how things would turn out. I just needed to have some faith, and believe that James really meant it when he promised to never hurt me. And I trusted James completely.

I really do.

I dropped onto the bed to put on my shoes—coral-pink peep toes with ankle straps. The shoes were just a shade darker than the gloves from Vanessa Blakney, and luckily, already lived in my closet. I had not inherited the shopping gene from my mother, much to her great dismay. So, whenever I could manage to pull together an outfit without having to traipse through multiple shops to do it, was cause for a celebration. This year my gown was black, but its hi-low hem softened the look. Paired with the gloves and shoes, it came off feeling flirty and festive. It suited me. I felt a nervous shiver roll through my body at the thought of James and me spending the upcoming evening together. Like being out on a date "together." I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about what might happen after the ball was over. He’d said we would finally be able to talk about everything that had happened since my accident, and that made me a little nervous.

But it’s James, and I have no reason to ever be nervous with him. Aroused, most definitely.

My mind wandered as I buckled up the straps, when I realized I was sitting precisely where James kissed me for the first time.

The morning after my accident. I’d woken up to find him in my bedroom watching me. Hungrily watching.

If I closed my eyes I could recall his lips touching mine. The perfect mixture of firm and soft. James definitely knew how to kiss—

Suddenly another memory pushed to the front. I was kissing James, and not the other way around.

Wait.

Had I had kissed him first?

Inmy bed?

But that wasn’t right. I shook my head as a flash of us lying in this bed together—we were kissing—and his fingers were—

Inside me.

Kiss me.

Orgasms. Intimate touches.

Touch me.

Words spoken.

I love you, James. I love you…I love you…I love you.

I remembered every mortifying thing I’d done and said to him that night. And now his comment made sense to me when he kissed me in the car after returning from Thanksgiving with his parents. "Well, I should hope it was good, because you begged me to do it," he’d said.

Oh my God, no.

"It was something you did actually…well, something you said to me last night that changed my mind."

No, no, no, no, no…

NO.

I sat there stunned. Shocked. Of what we’d done together. Of what I’d revealed to James that night.

I had no idea how much time passed before I was able to move my ass off the bed and finish getting ready for the ball. It could have been five seconds or five hours. I couldn’t say. My mind was on a repeating loop of something too intimate and too important for me not to have known about it until right now.

James knew, and he hadn’t said anything.

I felt humiliation to the depths of my soul. Beyond expressible words. Why he didn’t tell me?

He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want to tell you.

The fact that James had pushed aside my request to know more made me wonder if he was incredibly embarrassed at how I’d virtually attacked him. He could be with any woman he wanted. Now I wondered if he was offering to marry me to give me access to my trust fund simply because he got me—but it wouldn’t mean anything more than perhaps stolen kisses for him. He probably intended to keep the booty calls on the side too. God. I’m such a fool. No wonder…

That James hadn’t wanted to talk about the things we’d done and the things I’d said to him—once he realized I had no memory of it—crushed me terribly.

Crushed. Me.

But what do I do with that now?

"Winter,sweetheart, I wasn’t using you." He reached for me and dragged me against his chest. I was unable to resist him whenever he touched me, even now when I was seething with enough anger to inflict bodily harm. Upon his body. I stared at those sludgy-green eyes of his, immobile, captured like a fly in a web. "I was letting you use me," he said clearly.

"You were letting me use you?" I felt my eyes sting with more tears. It’s even worse than I thought. Pity orgasms. Fuck. "What does that even mean?"

He held my face in his palms and used his thumbs to brush my tears aside before he answered. "It means that I wanted to help you and give you whatever you needed to feel better."

"Orgasms aren’t included in the patient care handbook." I couldn’t look anywhere but into his eyes since he held me like he wasn’t planning to let me go anytime soon. I was burning with embarrassment, wishing I could look away, but he wouldn’t allow it. I felt heat settle low between my legs.

"They should be, because an orgasm was exactly what you needed at the time. You slept like a baby after the third one."

Three orgasms? Jesus.

"You’re an evil bastard for not telling me what happened between us that night, James, and don’t you even try to deny it."

"I try very hard to never be bastardly with you." He had the nerve to smirk at me. "You’re one of the few people on the planet I actually make a concerted effort of being polite."

"Oh, you were definitely bastardly." I squirmed to pull out of his grip. "And trying to make light of it isn’t helping your case, Mr. Slick Attorney."

He laughed at my comment and held me firm, as if I my struggles were mere amusement for him.

"The next morning when I was coherent, I even asked you if we could talk about the kissing and whatever went down after the ER visit. You said no."

I feel sick. I can’t believe this.

I still hadn’t given up on trying to free myself, because I knew if he got any closer to me I’d be doomed. I could barely think as the weight of his body pressed into me. The scent of spice with a swirl of his own unique flavor added into the mix of him crowding me onto the leather seat, and I was about done for.

"Fuck. Would you stop fighting me for a goddamn minute," he snapped, giving me a small shake for emphasis. "I’m not letting you go." And he meant it, because he didn’t loosen his hold. "If you had recalled it the next morning, we would have talked, but when you didn’t remember anything from the previous night, I made the decision to wait things out. That’s on me, yes, but I didn’t do it to use you or to hurt you in any way, Win. I wanted us both to be on equal footing, and we weren’t that night with you as high as a kite on meds. I never planned to seduce you and keep it a secret."

"But that’s basically what happened. You seduced me and kept it a secret," I managed to whisper, even though he did have a valid point. I had been incapacitated from the drugs they gave me.

"No." He shook his head sharply. "I did not. That’s the God’s honest truth. You asked me to touch you after—youkissedme. So, I asked you where you wanted to be touched. You answered ’anywhere…everywhere’ and went wild when I followed your instructions. I would do anything for you, Win. There was no denying you. And there’s no fucking way when I was given the opportunity to touch you, serve you, that I would turn it down. Do you think I’m made of stone or something?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. Instead, a wave of red-hot shame cloaked me like a blanket.

He wasn’t lying.

Every word of what he said was true.

As he explained how the events of that night unfolded, I pieced it back together with him. It had happened just like he said. I came on to him. I begged him to touch me.

Oh. Please. Let me die now.

"M-m-my in-structions?" I stuttered weakly.

"It was the sexiest fuckin’ thing I’ve ever seen, and I want to do it again," he replied just before his lips crashed into mine.

My resistance ended the moment I felt him on me.

I melted beneath the demanding kiss, as he set me straight about what he wanted.

Me.

He thought what I’d done was…sexy? There was no denying you. And there’s no fucking way when I was given the opportunity to touch you, serve you, that I would turn it down. And here I thought I knew so much about this man.

Years of living with my feelings only cemented what I knew. I was so lost in him. I always had been, and I knew that I’d accept whatever he offered and deal with the consequences later.

My face was held in the grip of both hands as he plundered my mouth, taking me further under his spell with each slide of his tongue. I savored the taste and the feel of him against me, the rough abrasion of beard stubble covering my lips, the scent of his spicy-sweet cologne tantalizing my nose, and the press of his thumbs caressing my neck. He held me completely under his spell, as he pulled me deeper into a place I’d wanted to go for so long, that I couldn’t remember a time when I hadn’t desired him. I’d never felt more cherished, or more wanted than right now. The way he held on to me made me believe he really did feel more for me than I’d ever dared to imagine. No other man had ever compared to James.

I knew no man ever would.

Every person had self-truths—and this understanding of my feelings for James was one of mine.

When he stopped the kiss, I wanted to protest the loss of his lips against mine, but I summoned my self-control and stared into his beautifully mysterious eyes and waited for him to speak. I had a pretty good idea where this might go if he allowed it.

"Tell me right now what you want, Winter." The question wasn’t asked softly. The words were delivered with a harsh edge. I sensed he was on the verge of losing his tightly held control, and for some reason it only made me hotter.

"I want you."

"Tell me exactly what that means," he commanded without pause, his eyes boring into mine.

"It means I-I-want…I want to be with you, James." The truth. It was simple, not much more than what I’d just said. I wanted to be with the man I’d been in love with for years. I wouldn’t make the mistake of saying those words out loud a second time, but I was totally fine with the fact that the cat was finally out of the bag. Weirdly, I simply didn’t care if James now knew how I felt about him. It took the pressure off me somehow. I didn’t have to pretend anymore—and I wouldn’t. He could do what he wanted with it. I was well past caring.

His eyes flared when I answered him. I could feel the heat behind the gaze, and realized I was taking us into uncharted territory by giving him the green light. "You’re sure you want to do this?" His jaw flexed slightly along with the press of his hips against me, where I felt the whole hard length of one impressive erection hitting me right where it counted.

I let his hardness sink into me and rolled with the sensation of pure pleasure that came with it. I nodded slowly. "Yes, I’m very sure. Even if it’s just for tonight, I want this with you."

James released me abruptly before leaning over to speak into the intercom with the driver. "Enzo, change of plans. Take us to the Sherborn address, please."

"Of course, sir."

James then turned his attention toward me and helped me back into a sitting position. He took my left hand and intertwined our fingers, mine encased in silk gloves that contrasted sharply with his long, tanned ones. The sight was sexy to me. His grip on me secure and firm, as if he had no intention of letting me go now I’d made my decision to be with him. Read "be" to mean sex.

I had no idea where he was taking me, either. Somewhere in Sherborn. Did he have a home there I knew nothing about?

"Give me your phone." Again, his request was more than a little abrupt, but it didn’t bother me. Experiencing this very dominant side of James was a major turn-on to me.

I reached into my silk clutch with my other hand and drew out my phone. He took it and turned it off before handing it back to me. Then he did the same to his own phone. I tilted my head at him, asking my question silently instead of out loud.

"No interruptions of any kind are happening tonight, Winter. Just you and me." I saw the hard edge of his jaw flex. "We are off the grid…and we fucking deserve that."

I swallowed air and nodded at him, my heart pounding furiously.

"Phones don’t get turned back on again until tomorrow morning, when we’re ready," he added.

"Tomorrow morning?" I whispered weakly.

"Tomorrow. You didn’t think I’d let you get away with less than an entire night, did you?" He gave me a dark smile that could only be described as wicked. "You’re all mine for the next twelve hours, beautiful."

A shiver rolled through my whole body as the words left his lips.