19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Meghan

R yder has to be the most stubborn, big-headed, arrogant, and kind man I have ever met. For all of his faults, he has a sweet side to him that makes you want to break down all of your own walls.

I let Ryder get to me last night and now, waking up to a new day, I am questioning if I made the right decision. To be honest, I haven't felt this alive in years, but that also makes me feel guilty.

Grumbling, I rolled over in bed and cringed at the bright light filtering in through my bedroom window.

"Hey, are you up?" I hear Kirsten shout through my bedroom door.

"No!" I yell back.

"Great!" she says, as I hear my bedroom door burst open.

I don't need to look up to know that both Kirsten and Ashely have bombarded into my room.

Knowing they won't leave me alone until they hear about last night's date, I sit up and give them both the stink eye. "Look, I will answer your questions if you promise to leave me alone the rest of the day," I sneer.

They both smile and agree.

I begin to replay the events of the night before. I don't bother to leave anything out, especially my fight with Ryder, which ultimately led to us having a mind-blowing kiss on the street. Once I finish giving every sordid detail, I see both of their jaws hanging down to the floor.

"Why do you look so sullen after sharing your steamy night with Ryder?" Kirsten asks me, forcing my eyes back up to hers.

"I'm not sullen, I just can't help but feel that this is all happening so fast. I mean, I was with Wade forever, and I haven't dated anyone since his death. Now, after just a few dates, I'm willing to jump into a relationship with Ryder. And, Ryder has a dangerous job-- possibly more dangerous than Wades was," I finish.

"No, but they are two different people. Just go with it and have fun," Ashley adds in.

I know she's right. It's going to be difficult, but I know it's best that I attempt to move on. Who would have thought that the guy who I would fall for after Wade would be a former military man?

Three days later, I was sitting at my desk when I saw a text alert on my phone. I had been busy approving edits for a twisted fairy tale series our company recently added.

Looking down at my phone, I felt a wide smile grow on my face.

Ryder: So, I thought it would be fun to go to a movie in the park tomorrow night.

Me: Movie in a park?

Ryder: Sure. We could sit on a blanket, get something to eat from one of those food trucks you love, and watch a movie under the stars.

I thought over his proposition and I had to admit, it really did sound fantastic. Days had gone by and all I could think about was Ryder. His smile. His charm. And more than anything, how he made me feel so alive again. He had a way to make me laugh and cry and still want more.

Me: Sure. I think that sounds great.

Ryder: Awesome. I will come by and pick you up tomorrow at six. Text me your address.

I sent him my address and then put my phone away. If I allowed myself, I could get carried away and lost in a world of only Ryder. Having my phone out of sight would hopefully mean out of mind.

I hear a tap on my office door and I look up to see Melanie standing in front of me. Her hair is pulled back in a tight bun and her knee-length black dress is casual, yet professional.

"Meghan, do you have a moment?" she asks, walking in.

"Of course, come in," I say, waving her in.

I feel a bit ashamed that she caught me putting my phone away. I took my job very seriously and the last thing I would want is to seem distracted or unprofessional. Hence, why I steered clear of dating. Well, one of the reasons at least.

"I wanted to go over some notes for our feature article. I would like to have the article edited and then sent to the printer in two weeks," she began, sitting down. Recently, Melanie had announced that she was pregnant with her and Cole's third child. She was barely sporting a baby bump, but I could see she was exhausted.

"Sounds great, let me pull up my folder with my information," I say, as I turn to my computer screen and begin clicking. I get the information I gathered from her emails with Ryder and the three other guys who we would be featuring. Of course, Lance Salvatore would be highlighted, too.

"I want this article to be edgy," Melanie begins.

I nod in agreement as I begin to take notes to add to my portion of the article. Our plan is to combine what we have and then format it.

"I think edgy will be great. The feature on Lance Salvatore really showcased his time as a SEAL. Readers really enjoyed it," I comment.

"Exactly," she gushes, pointing her pen at me. "From what I had gathered so far, these guys really saw some dangerous moments in their time at war. They lost brothers in combat and were all honorably discharged. I want to interview each one and get a raw image of what life was like during war and how that compares to their lives now working for Cole Security," she finishes.

My heart drops a beat. In my short time knowing Ryder, I knew he was an ex-SEAL, but I guess I had forgotten all of the trauma and loss he had endured. However, what really had my breath faltering, was knowing that he was still placing himself in danger. Cole Security wasn't just your average rent-a-cop security company. No, these guys protected men and women in the military and companies that were at risk for theft, burglary, or worse. Imagining Ryder placing himself in danger daily caused my emotions to swirl like a tornado inside of me.

Sensing my trepidation, Melanie places her hand on mine on the desk. "Meghan, is everything alright?" she asks softly.

"Yes, I'm fine," I say, trying to muster a smile.

"I hope I am not being too forward here, but you are getting emotional right now," she adds, a slight smile forming on her lips. It is a knowing smile of kindness and understanding. "I mean, I'm the pregnant hormonal one here, but I see something is bothering you," she finishes, sighing.

She stops and watches me closely. I contemplate brushing off her question or spinning a story to get her to stop asking, but I doubt that will work. Melanie is very intuitive. I guess her dark past helped her break past her own boundaries and understand people better.

Exhaling a deep breath, I close my eyes before beginning. I can feel the tears brimming in my eyes and I feel ridiculous for getting so emotional over a man who I only recently started seeing.

"This is going to sound absurd, but I began dating someone recently," I begin, opening my eyes and seeing Melanie watching me carefully. She nods for me to continue. "He is actually one of the men who came to the office and gala-- one of the guys we are interviewing for this article," I add, cringing.

Melanie beams and claps her hands together. "Good for you, Meghan. It's about time for you to start dating," she gushes.

Melanie knows about my past with Wade and right now, she sounds more like Kirsten and Ashely than my boss.

"Well, that seems to be a common agreement," I lightly chuckle. "Anyway, it's Ryder. He's great and we have really hit it off, but…"

My voice cracks as I am unable to finish my sentence. My heart is pounding as I wait for myself to calm down. This is too much for me to handle right now.

"Meghan, go on. I know this is hard, but it will do you good to share how you feel," she says.

I swear, I should invest in a therapist so my friends and employer don't have to continue to hear about my heartbreak and worries.

Taking a deep breath, I continue. "Knowing he works such a dangerous job really scares me. I mean, I knew that Wade being a firefighter came with risk, but I never imagined I would lose him. With Ryder, I am growing to like him. We've only been out once but there is this connection with him that I just can't explain. If I were to allow myself to fall in love again and something were to happen to him…" I trail off, shaking my head as my heartthrobs.

"You wouldn't be able to survive," Melanie says, finishing my thought for me.

I look up in bewilderment. I don't know how she read my mind, but she did.

"Yes," I whisper. "I am so sorry for bringing this baggage to work. It has all taken me on a whirlwind," I admit, shaking my head.

I tried to look the other way when it came to Ryder, but I just couldn't. He pulled me in and I swear, it's like his soul called to mine.

"Emotions are difficult, Meghan. You can't pick and choose when you fall for someone. I once was afraid to fall in love again. Someone broke my heart but it took time for me to allow someone else to mend it back together. Just look at me and Cole. After everything I had gone through, I never wanted to fall in love again. But, Cole refused to give up on me and it's a good thing he didn't," she laughs, patting her baby bump.

I laugh, too. Loving and losing is a loss that brings unimaginable pain and sorrow. Sometimes, it is difficult to imagine even breathing another day, but I have been really growing and doing much better. The thought of ever going back to such a dark place scared me. Could I move forward with Ryder, knowing his job presented risks? Was I capable of handling that again?

"You don't have to have all of the answers right now," Melanie advises. She stands and smooths out her dress. "We can review our notes tomorrow. I think you need to focus on your heart and mind today. You are an incredible employee and I trust that we will get this article completed. Talk with Ryder and share your concerns with him. He deserves to know how you feel, too. Don't run away from love, Meghan," she finishes, smiling one last time as she exits my office.

I sit there in silence, taking in her words. Maybe Melanie is right. I have a call to make.