Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

January 29 th

12:29 A.M.

Fear was the first thing that registered as consciousness returned.

Lucy's eyes snapped open, needing to see only one thing.

Only one person.

Thankfully, that person was sitting right beside her bed, his face millimeters from hers.

Relief washed away the coming wave of pain, and instead she smiled, reveling in the knowledge that he was alive and safe now.

The smile fell from her face when Zander didn't smile back, and the knot of fear in her stomach returned.

She might not have lost him yet, but he was teetering on the edge.

Watching what Zimraan had done to her couldn't have been easy for him, it was reliving his worst nightmare, and Lucy doubted there was anything she could do or say to reassure him. Today his demons were roaring in his mind, urging him to give her up. She knew he was worried about her getting hurt because of him, and already blamed himself at least in part for what happened in Mexico.

But she needed him.

More than he could understand.

Even more than she could understand.

"Don't leave me," she whispered the words, her body weak but her mind strong.

Surprise flared in Zander's dark eyes, and then he gave her a half smile. "You're a little mind reader, aren't you, sassy girl?"

"Know you, know you're hurting, but I'm hurting, too, Zander, and I don't want to hurt alone." If there was one thing she had learned in these last few days with Zander, it was that being open and honest was more important than she'd ever realized. For so many years she'd seen asking for help and admitting weakness as something to be avoided at all costs. But the lies and secrets between her and Zander had only wound up hurting them both.

It wasn't weak to admit you needed someone.

Asking for help was a strength. While it might not always be easy to do, it was important and something she wanted to learn to do and do comfortably. Human beings needed other humans, they couldn't do everything alone, and she no longer felt compelled to prove herself over and over again.

"Lucy, I … this is my fault." With featherlight touches, his fingertips brushed across the lump on her head, and then over her neck where she was sure there were at least half a dozen nicks from the knife.

"How do you figure that?"

A frown furrowed his brow, and she couldn't resist reaching up and smoothing it away. Anything to touch him just in case she couldn't convince him to stay. Zander might think leaving was the right thing to do for her, but he couldn't be more wrong. She needed him in a way she'd never needed another person.

"Zimraan only took you because of me," Zander said like it was obvious.

"Right, sure, but how does that make it your fault. Did you ask him to take me? Did you want him to take me? Did you enjoy watching what he did to me?"

"Hell no," he roared, then straightened, his hands clenching into fists as he stormed around her hospital room like his emotions were too big for him to contain.

Well, he could join the club.

Because her emotions were bubbling inside her like a kettle put on to boil. Sooner or later, they were going to come screeching out and she had no idea how she was going to deal with that when it happened.

But what she did know was that when those emotions came out, it would be so much easier to cope if she wasn't alone. If she had Zander by her side. He was what she needed, he was the one who understood what she'd been through, he had lived it with her. If there was a way to let him see inside her head and understand how much she needed him, she'd be all over it, but the facts were she couldn't force him to stay.

Nor did she want to.

She wanted him to be with her because he couldn't not, because walking away was impossible, because he needed her as much as she needed him.

"Do you see me differently now? Am I no longer beautiful to you because I'm going to have scars?" Saying the words hurt because she knew she was going to have a hard time dealing with the scars that would litter her body, but she needed to make Zander realize the truth no matter what she had to say to do it.

"Why would you say that?" he raged as he stormed back over to the bed.

Instead of answering, she continued to ask him questions. "Do you think I'm weak now? I screamed and cried when Zimraan was peeling off my skin, and I couldn't fight off his men when they were dragging me to the table."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Zander demanded, fire dancing in his eyes.

"Just trying to figure out why you'd want to walk away from me when we should be clinging to one another."

"You are without a doubt the strongest woman I have ever known. You have survived so much, dealt with so much, and its only because of you that Zimraan is dead and no longer a threat."

"Maybe you've decided my epilepsy is too much to handle. It will always affect me and there are things I can't do because of it."

"What you deal with every single day only makes you stronger," he said fiercely.

"Do you think I'm a liar then? That I didn't mean it when I said I was always going to be there for you?"

"You're not a liar."

"Then maybe I'm stupid and don't even know what I want or what I need."

"You're smart, smarter than me."

"So, if I'm not stupid, I'm not weak, I'm not a liar, and you still think I'm beautiful, then why would you walk away from me?" This time she allowed a hint of the vulnerability she felt seep into her voice.

"Hell, baby girl, it's not you it's all me," he said, raking his fingers through his hair. "It's always me, never you, you're perfect. I didn't think it was possible, but I love you even more now. Seeing how brave you were, how you fought for yourself and your life. Then seeing you lying here, fighting for us while I feel like I'm floundering. I don't want to walk away. Damn, nothing scares me more than walking away from you, losing you. But I don't know if I'm as strong as you are, baby. You fight for what you want, but the problem is I don't think I'm worth fighting for."

Lucy just stared at him in shock.

Had he really said what she thought he had?

Everything else had faded away as she had fixated on the most important part.

"You said you love me," she whispered, totally in awe.

His brow furrowed like he hadn't even realized he'd said the words. "Is that … okay? Is it too soon? Damn, I didn't scare you off, did I?"

A laugh bubbled up inside her and she let it burst out. "Scare me off? Zander, what exactly did you think I meant when I said I would always be there for you?"

"That you wanted to support me?"

"And why do you think that was?"

"Scarlett?"

"No, not because of your sister. Because of you. Because from the first time I met you I felt something. Because even when I wasn't sure if you could be trusted, I saw your pain and knew that whatever was going on deep down you were a good guy. Because the more time we spent together the more I fell. Because I could already see us having an amazing future with everything we both want, all our dreams coming true, everything we deserve," she added.

When he winced at her final words, Lucy held out a hand to him, praying he would take it. They didn't have to sort everything out this very second, she just had to convince him not to give up on them.

Relief flooded her system when he reached out a shaking hand to grasp hers.

He wasn't giving up.

That was all she could ask of him.

"I know you blame yourself for what happened to your team and for what happened to me. I don't have a magic answer to take away your guilt, and I can't promise you that everything is going to be easy. We've both suffered major traumas, and dealing with them is going to be a bumpy road. All I'm saying is, I want to travel that road with you. Because I love you, too."

For a second he just stared at her in shock, and then the sweetest, happiest smile broke out on his face and the fingers around hers squeezed. "You love me, too?" he asked hopefully, like he wasn't sure he should let himself believe it.

"I'm practical, straightforward, and always say what I mean, but in case you still have doubts, I'm falling in love with you, Zander Madden. It's been a crazy ride, and I'm terrified to face the aftermath of what happened to us, but knowing I can have you by my side makes it a little less scary. Stay with me? Always?"

"Always," he echoed.

And as he reached out to carefully gather her into an embrace, Lucy felt her heart settle and her anxiety recede. The next few days, and weeks, and months were going to be tough. But she had Zander and that meant everything would work out in the end.

January 28 th

4:12 P.M.

"How are you feeling?" Zander asked Lucy as he carried her into his house. Since she'd insisted on not remaining in the hospital in Germany and there was no medical reason why her doctors could compel her to stay, Eagle Oswald had organized a flight back home for all of them.

Of course, the flight had come with a doctor and a nurse to monitor Lucy for the almost thirteen hours it took to fly back Stateside. But now the doctor was gone as was the nurse, and everyone else had gone to their respective homes—Scarlett and Tate once again caring for Lucy's dog—so it was up to him to look after his woman.

Not that he wanted someone here per se, but he was terrified he was going to do something wrong and somehow make Lucy's condition worse. Broken bones were just that. Broken bones that would take time to heal, and she didn't have any serious internal injuries. She'd been lucky, but he didn't want to push that luck. Especially not when he was still feeling raw and uncertain.

Uncertain about himself not about the gorgeous woman cradled in his arms.

"Like I fell out of a helicopter," Lucy replied, an amused spark in her blue eyes. Since he had already asked her that at least a hundred times since she had insisted on coming home and signed herself out of the hospital, he could see why she might be amused and willing to make light of the situation.

But from where he was standing, it was the least amusing thing in the world.

While Lucy might have been the one to actually jump, she'd known what she was doing, weighed the pros and cons, come to the decision it was her best move, and taken the opportunity that presented itself.

He, on the other hand, had been forced to watch his woman just suddenly plummeting toward the earth without the aid of a parachute or anything else that might cushion her fall.

Those seconds were etched into his mind forever.

Even with everything he'd been through, everything he'd witnessed, that moment was the worst. Maybe because he'd never expected to survive being captured with his team, or known about the tracker that had been implanted in Lucy, so he hadn't been expecting to survive that either. But once help came and he realized how close they were to going home, to think he was going to lose Lucy anyway was too much. Too painful. Too horrifying.

"How can you joke about that?" he asked in a strangled voice. Too many emotions were pulsing inside him, growing quicker than he knew how to cope with.

Eyes sobering, Lucy touched a kiss to his stubbled jaw. "I'm sorry, Zander. I didn't mean to make you upset. I'm okay. I'm sore, and it's going to suck waiting for my injuries to heal, but I am okay. I'm not dead, and I'm not going to die. My injuries are painful, and they don't look good, I know I'm going to have scars, but they're not life-threatening and, honestly, right now that's all I care about. We both survived, and I'm happy and excited about that. For a while I didn't think we were going to, but we did, and I want to take this moment to rejoice in that fact because I can feel a storm building inside me."

Sometimes it was hard to remember that Lucy had been through a lot in such a short amount of time. She seemed like she was handling it all just fine. He was the one who felt like he was seconds away from falling apart. But he was going to have to remember that she had spent a lifetime perfecting the art of putting on a strong and put-together front. Not that she wasn't either of those things, but beneath the fa?ade she was struggling, too, and he couldn't let her distract him from that fact.

"I feel that same storm, baby," he whispered. Being vulnerable like that was hard for him. It wasn't the way he was raised. As a child, he wasn't encouraged to express emotions, let alone anything that would make him appear weak. That wasn't fitting of a future military serviceman in his parents' opinion, nor was it appropriate "boy" behavior. His parents believed that men shouldn't express emotion ever, that they should never admit to being scared, and that crying was the equivalent of emasculating yourself and all but becoming a woman.

"That's why we need to be together," Lucy whispered back, but he could hear the thread of fear in her voice. She was still scared that he was going to bail on her.

But since his inner demons had been unable to come up with logical ways to counter all the reasons Lucy had given why he should stay, he had been able to silence them enough to remain by her side. The urge to leave, to get as far away from her as he could was still strong. He didn't want to hurt her ever again.

So, to counter the urge to put a safe distance between them, he was going to do the opposite. Take care of his girl the best way he knew how.

"I'm not going anywhere, baby girl," he assured her, and he felt her relax at his words. "Now what do you need? Something to eat? You've only been picking at food since you woke up, so you must be hungry, and you need to keep your strength up. Or I can take you up to bed if you're tired and need to sleep? The doctor said you were going to be a lot more tired than usual for the next few days, at least as your body starts to recover."

"Actually, what I really want is a long, hot bath. I feel like I've been dirty for weeks now. All I had at the hospital was a sponge bath and it wasn't enough to get the feel of dirt and blood off my skin. And don't even get me started on my hair. But there's no way I can take a bath with this on." She shot an irritated look at the cast on her arm.

Just because he'd never washed long hair before didn't mean he couldn't, it was the same as washing short hair only there was more of it. "I'll give you a bath, baby. We can put a plastic bag over your cast to keep it dry and keep it out of the water. And I'm sure I've got waterproof bandages in my first aid kit so we can cover up your other wounds."

No baths hadn't been in the doctor's list of instructions, Lucy was just to keep her wounds as dry as possible and change the bandages if they got wet. That he could do as soon as he got her all cleaned up. Rest was important and there was no way his girl would be able to relax properly if she felt dirty.

"You're going to give me a bath?" Lucy asked, there was a tiny hint of incredulity in her tone but also a huge amount of tenderness.

"Yep, and it's going to be the best bath you've ever had," he said, making her giggle. She was right when she said they needed to enjoy this moment of relishing being alive because the storm was coming, and when it did, they would both be clinging to one another.

Carrying her up the stairs, he headed for the master bath and the huge soaking tub in it. The enormous walk-in shower had caught his attention when he'd been looking at places, but now he was glad there was the bath as well since his girl seemed to prefer them.

In the bathroom, he set her on the counter while he turned on the faucet and adjusted the heat. Then while the bath was filling, he stripped her out of her clothes, then pulled out a garbage bag and tied it around her arm. After that, he put waterproof bandages over all the cuts that had needed stitches, and the spots where Zimraan had peeled off her skin.

Looking at them, it was hard not to lose his control, but since he could sense Lucy's mounting anxiety, Zander forced himself to remain calm, and touched soft kisses to the bandages once he'd applied them.

Then he turned off the water, removed his clothes, and picked Lucy up. Lowering them both into the bath, Lucy sighed in contentment as the warm water encased their bodies.

With his girl settled between his bent knees, Zander cupped his hands together and scooped up some water to wet her hair, then grabbed a bottle of shampoo, poured a generous amount into the palm of his hand, and began to massage it into Lucy's scalp. She moaned in delight as he worked the soapy suds through every inch of her long blonde locks, and the more she did so the more he wanted to make this feel good for her.

After another round of shampooing, he shifted so Lucy's neck was balanced on his forearm, then scooped up handfuls of water to wash the bubbles out. Their eyes met as he did so, being careful to make sure he didn't get any soapy suds in her eyes. Never again was he going to cause this woman pain, not even the sting of soap in her eyes. And he would do whatever it took to protect her from pain caused by others. Lucy had been through enough, she should never have to suffer again.

When he leaned down to brush his lips across hers, those big blue eyes of hers began to shimmer with unshed tears. His heart constricted and he was filled with a powerful urge to do whatever it took to make her smile.

He wasn't ready for the storm to hit yet.

Tears began to leak from the corners of her eyes, and Zander quickly gathered her to him, holding her tight against his chest as a sob escaped Lucy's lips.

Cradling her in his arms as she wept should have made him want to run because he knew that he was a major source of the pain she had suffered, pain that had to be let out through tears. But it didn't. Instead, holding her felt right. More than right, it felt like this was where he belonged.

Lucy needed him and he was there.

It was as simple as that.

And maybe he could let her be there for him, too.