Chapter Seventeen

Cade

P resent Day

She pushes against my chest and crawls from my lap, putting distance between us. Her stricken expression is like knives to my fucking soul. It hurts. Christ, it fucking hurts.

She's so pale, her face stained with tears. No one has ever talked about what happened with her. I don't think she's ever let anyone talk to her about it.

She still can't say out loud that her family was murdered in cold blood. They were gunned down in the street and died on a fucking sidewalk. That's how January turned eighteen—watching her family being carted away in body bags while the police asked her questions she didn't know how to answer. And she still can't say the words. Still can't face what happened.

She locked memories of that night away, refusing to revisit them. And I don't fucking blame her.

I'd kill to forget it, to be able to close my eyes and not see him lying on that fucking sidewalk. To not see him take his last breath, or hear her scream as if her soul was being ripped from her body.

Fuck.

"Explain," she demands, her voice shaking. "Right now, Cade."

I don't know where the fuck to start. How have I never thought about what I'd say if this day ever came? All those nights I spent alone, staring up at the ceiling, wishing like hell she was in my arms…I never let myself think about what I'd say. I never let myself think we'd ever see each other again. If I had let myself imagine it, I wouldn't have been able to stay away.

"He was dealing for Kaleo for two years, baby girl."

"You knew he was dealing."

I nod.

"How long, Cade?"

"I found out the day you got accepted into UCLA."

"Why?" Her face is so fucking pale.

I swallow hard, not wanting to tell her this. Fuck, I don't want to tell her any of it. But this shit? This is going to fucking kill her.

"At first it was because he was worried you weren't going to get your financial aid," I rasp, hating the way she flinches. "I swear to God, I would have emptied that fucking trust fund for him if I knew why he was dealing, but he didn't tell me."

"You knew," she says, mumbling the words like she's trying to fit them into place in her mind.

"He didn't want you to know. I should have told you the truth when I found out, but I didn't want the truth to ruin your relationship with him. I wanted to protect you from that. But I should have told you."

I push a hand through my hair and stand up to pace. As much as I hate that she's already distancing herself from me, I don't think I can sit still and tell her this shit. It's been eating away at my soul for seven goddamn years. I need to move, to think...

"My financial aid came through," she says, her voice flat.

I nod again.

"Why'd he keep doing it then, Cade? If he was dealing to help me, why did he keep doing it?" She sounds so fucking lost.

This is the part... Fuck. This is the beginning of the end. This right here. Once I say this shit, it's all over. Whatever she thinks she feels for me right now dies and there's no putting out the fire it causes.

I burn in hell, and her hatred sends me there.

"He sacrificed himself to save me, January," I say anyway, giving her the truth she's always deserved. I can't lie to her anymore. I can't fucking keep it from her anymore. I love her more now than ever, and if I have to bleed to set her free, then I bleed.

She deserves peace and a chance to move on. She's always deserved that. I've just been too goddamn selfish to give it to her. I can't do that with her anymore, though. Even if it fucking kills me, I have to do right by her.

"I don't understand."

"I went after Kaleo the day Tony assaulted you," I confess. "I found him at home with a couple of his boys and I beat the hell out of him. I knew it would start a war, but I didn't fucking care. He sent that motherfucker after you, and I was pissed."

She wraps her arms around herself as if the memory of that day still hurts her too.

"Titan knew what would happen too. I think we spent most of our fucking time just waiting for the last straw with Kaleo. That was it. But Titan told me not to worry about it. That he'd deal with it. He was the one here all the fucking time." I blow out a breath, raking a hand through my hair. "I didn't ask any questions. I fucking should have, but I didn't. He didn't just start dealing to ensure you could afford to go to UCLA, baby girl. It was part of the deal he struck to keep Kaleo from coming after me."

"Tell me," she demands as if she knows there's more. Two tears roll down her cheeks.

"The day of…that day," I amend when she flinches again, physically making herself smaller like that'll protect her from remembering what happened the day her brother and mother were murdered. "He told me that Kaleo wanted to push in on the Diablos. He refused at first, but Kaleo threatened to void their deal and come after me if he didn't fall in line. Titan thought I'd be out of here with you for good in a few months, so he agreed to do it. He was still fucking trying to protect me…to keep Kaleo from coming after me."

I'm losing her. She's slipping away right in front of my eyes. I can see it happening.

I want to drop to my knees and beg for her forgiveness, but I can't. Because I haven't even finished telling her my sins.

"When he told me what was going on," I whisper, determined to get it all out there now, "I told him I'd pay. I didn't give a fuck if Kaleo came after me. I just wanted him safe, but I thought we had a little more time." I shove my hand into my hair and pull, trying to ground myself in reality…trying to punish myself, I guess. "I saw the bike that night. We were on our way to Ma Lucia's so I could tell you about the money, and that bike was creeping down the block. I thought…I thought…I don't know what I thought. I wasn't fucking thinking ."

That's the thing that still haunts me. When I wake up in a cold sweat, my throat burning from the way I screamed in my sleep… that's what I think about. That fucking SUV. Had I just thought for one goddamn second, I could have saved Titan and Jana. I could have told them to stay in the house or to hide or to do something. Instead, I brushed it off, too caught up in my own bullshit to fucking think .

I let them walk outside, oblivious to the fact that death was circling the block, waiting for an opportunity to take Titan out.

I would have opened my veins and bled for him, but I didn't. He died in my arms, and I didn't do a goddamn thing to save him.

I've had years to think about how I could have done things different. How I could have told him and January about the money. How I could have gone straight to January instead of going after Kaleo when Tony attacked her. How I could have told her or Jana or fucking anyone when I found out about Titan dealing. How I could have gone right then and there to pay those motherfuckers off when Titan told me what was going on. There were a million different choices I could have made to change what happened. A thousand different ways I could have saved Titan.

January's mom and brother were gunned down in the streets because I was so fucking afraid of losing them that I pushed Titan onto a collision course with a train.

I let my best friend die for my sins.

And now January knows it too.

"When I got to him, he was still breathing," I whisper. "I couldn't…I couldn't make it stop. I couldn't keep him breathing." A groan climbs up my throat. "I failed you over and over again. Both of you."

She shakes her head, not speaking.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, knowing those words won't make a damn bit of difference. They won't unwind the hands of time and bring her brother and her mom back. They won't undo the years of grief and pain she's endured. I say them to make myself feel better, because at the end of the day, I'm still a selfish motherfucker and I need to say them, even if they don't do a goddamn thing to ease her pain. "I'm so fucking sorry, baby girl."

"Don't," she whispers. "Don't call me that."

My heart fractures, shredding into tiny pieces. Every single one of them cuts deep, making me bleed in places that have already been hemorrhaging for years. They hurt like a motherfucker…and that's almost a relief. This is the punishment I deserve. The one I ran from back then. So long as I didn't come back, there was always a little sliver of hope that she didn't truly hate me. That somewhere, she was lying awake at night, missing me too.

Now though? That hope is gone. I see it in her eyes.

Revulsion.

Abhorrence.

Hatred.

And this is what hell really feels like. This is what I'll remember when someone finally steps from the shadows to kill me. When my life flashes before my eyes, it'll be the expression on her face right now that chases me straight to hell.

"I need you to leave," she says, her voice shaking with emotion. She rises to her feet, all five foot, two inches of her stands up in front of me, her shoulders back and her head held high like the fucking goddess she is.

She doesn't cry.

She doesn't scream or yell or throw things.

Those grief-stricken, horror-filled emerald eyes meet mine as she points at the door. "I need you to go right now."

I don't try to fight her. How can I? She deserves this moment, and I'll be damned if I take it away from her. Instead, I jerk my head in a nod, grab my bag, and do what she says.

"I love you," I tell her as I stride across the room. I'm still selfish. I'm still greedy. With her, I always will be. "I'll always love you, January. And I'll always be waiting for you."

Until the day I die, I'll wait for her.

She doesn't say anything. Not that I expected she would. Not that I deserve it.

The door closes behind me with a quiet click. It echoes in my ears, sounding for all the world like the final nail slamming into place in my coffin.