29

29

When Ripley didn't see Fen downstairs, he went up to see if he'd fallen asleep. The absence of Fen's toothbrush said everything. He clenched his teeth. He wasn't surprised his call went unanswered and suspected Fen wouldn't listen to a message, but he left one anyway.

"Why, Fen? Why did you leave? Where are you? Please come back." He took a breath. "I need you."

Ripley went back downstairs. If he called Fen's mum, Fen would have either told her not to tell him where he was, or Ripley would end up scaring her because Fen had disappeared. Who else could he call? He didn't have the numbers of Seth or Morgan but maybe he knew a way to get Seth's. He called Rhodri.

"Hi, Ripley."

"Is Dominic with you by any chance?"

"Not tonight. Why?"

"Do you happen to know if he has Seth's phone number? The guy from my party who was crazy about fashion."

"Fen's friend?"

"Yes."

"Can't you ask Fen for it?"

"Not at the moment." Do not push me.

"I'll give you Dominic's. I don't know if he has Seth's, though."

"Thanks."

Moments later, Ripley was calling Dominic. A short time later, he had the number he wanted. Then he hesitated. Why had Fen gone? Maybe he needed to think a little harder about that before he tried to persuade him to come back.

The trouble was, he could think of several reasons why Fen might have left. He didn't want it to be because he'd transferred the rest of the eighty thousand into Fen's account, but was that it? Ripley hadn't wanted the money to sit between them. He promised it and he'd paid it. Early. Wasn't that enough to show Fen he didn't care about it? Or was it all Fen had cared about? For someone who prided himself on being a good judge of character, Ripley felt flat-footed.

He logged into his bank account and groaned when he saw the money back in his account. So this was about the money? But not quite in the way he'd thought. He made the call.

"Hello?" Seth said.

"Is he there?" Ripley didn't bother saying who he was. He didn't want Seth to have the chance to think what to say.

"No." Seth cut him off.

Ripley rang him back but there was no answer. So Fen was probably there. He gave Harry a call. Harry was good at uncovering things that weren't easy to find out. Ripley didn't ask too many questions about how he did it, and he was always careful not to use information illegally obtained, but sometimes he just needed to know.

Within an hour, Ripley had Seth and Morgan's address in Borough. He declined Harry's offer to take him. Ripley thought about not going, thought about waiting until the next day, he thought about a lot of things and he'd done too much drinking as he thought, so by the time he stood by their front door, dropped off by an Uber, he'd stopped thinking clearly. At least he'd had the sense not to drive, though nerves brought him closer to sober. He rang the bell. Seth opened the door, took one look at him and tried to close it again. Ripley's foot stopped that happening.

"He doesn't want to see you," Seth said.

"Too bad." Ripley pushed his way inside and walked up the stairs.

Both Morgan and Fen spun round when he strode into the flat.

"I didn't think you were a coward," Ripley snapped.

"I couldn't stop him," Seth said.

"It's okay." Fen stood up and faced him.

There was no colour to Fen's face. He looked grey, ashen, shell-shocked.

"I want to talk to you," Ripley said. "Not here. Come home."

"You don't have to go with him." Morgan stepped between them.

"Yes, you do," Ripley said. "You ran away. What did I do to deserve that?"

"Nothing," Fen whispered.

"I don't want this played out in public. Come back with me. If you still want to leave tomorrow, I'll drive you wherever you want to go."

"Don't go," Seth whispered. "He's drunk."

Ripley wanted to argue about that but instead said, "You should have kept the money."

Fen sighed.

"What's he talking about?" Morgan asked.

"Nothing," Fen said. "It was…a game."

A game? Ripley shot him a look of despair, then walked out.

Fen didn't hesitate. He grabbed his bag, coat and crutch, and went after him.

"Don't go." Seth stepped in his way. "You don't owe him anything."

"He needs me." Fen went as fast as he could after Ripley.

When he reached the street, he thought he'd lost him, but when he glanced right, he saw a figure sitting in a doorway and sighed. Sitting next to him without falling over was tricky but Fen managed it.

"Put your coat on," Ripley said.

Fen struggled into it. "I said game so they wouldn't ask. Not because it was a game."

"I shouldn't have said that about the money."

"No, you shouldn't. Of all the things I might have wanted you to say to me, that wasn't on the list."

"So much for my skill with words."

"I was trying to make it easier," Fen whispered.

"Make what easier?"

"Us splitting up. I never wanted the money. If I'd lasted the six months, I still wouldn't have taken it."

Ripley turned to him. "But…Japan?"

Fen shrugged. "Pipe dream."

"It wasn't."

"Maybe I realised it wasn't what was important in my life."

Ripley stared at him for a long moment, then dropped his head. "You're all wrong for me and yet completely right."

Fen couldn't help himself. "Matthew would agree with the first part."

"Matthew?"

"I heard you tell him I wasn't a mistake. That was nice to hear, but we both know I was a mistake. It wasn't a big jump to assume he was telling you that with all the crap in the news, you wouldn't get silk if you were associated with me. Am I right?"

"The trouble with listening in on someone's phone call is you don't hear the other side of the conversation. He had no right to say that to me and even if it's true, I don't fucking care."

Fen swallowed hard.

"You've made me happy. That's worth more to me than taking silk. I didn't want a relationship, or at least I only wanted one I could control, and yet from the moment I met you, an out-of-control relationship was what we had. You making me happy was something I hadn't anticipated. Or the extent to which you changed me. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want you to hurt me. We've done both those things."

"Here you go," a woman said and a pound coin landed in front of them.

"We're not begging," Ripley called out. He picked up the coin and offered it back to her.

"I'm so sorry! It's a cold night and…" She took the coin and hurried off.

Fen smothered a chuckle. "If we sit here long enough, we might get enough to buy a coffee to share."

Ripley stood up and pulled Fen to his feet. "You shouldn't be out in the cold. Come home with me. I meant what I said. I'll drive you wherever you want to go tomorrow. Or I'll pay for a hotel tonight for you if you want."

"What do you want?"

"I told you. I'd like you to come home with me."

"Did you eat my sandwich?"

"No."

"Sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay then. Home."

Ripley slept most of the way in the Uber, but he didn't let go of Fen's hand so maybe he wasn't asleep, but just had his eyes closed. Fen hadn't changed his mind about leaving, but the way he'd tried to do it had been wrong. He had to make Ripley understand his reasons.

Snow was settling as they arrived back in Islington. There were no longer any reporters around.

"Old news or too cold?" Fen asked.

"Probably both."

"Do you think my half-sisters are going to keep quiet?"

"They probably will if their father tells them to."

"They seemed keen to be on the TV."

"But unless you're there for them to attack, the show won't be interesting."

Once they were inside, Ripley locked the door and leaned back against it. "Do you want that sandwich?"

"We could share it. Then sit in the hot tub."

"Okay."

Fen won a little smile from him.

"I'll turn up the temperature and get some towels. The sandwich is in the fridge."

When Ripley came back, Fen had cut the bread in half and was sitting on the couch with two plates, and most of his sandwich eaten.

"Mum's messaged me," Fen said.

Ripley dropped down at his side.

Fen read "Right decision, sweetheart. Proud of you."He finished his half of the sandwich. "That was so good."

"Do you want something to drink?"

"I'm fine." Fen began to take off his clothes. "I want to get out there while it's still snowing. We'll be like those snow monkeys in Japan. Macaques. The older ones are dominated by the younger ones. Dips in the hot springs lower their stress levels."

"Is that right?"

"Hurry up, please."

Ripley laughed. "Please? Is that you dominating me?"

"Yes. Go and take the cover off and check the temperature. I didn't say please." Fen whined. "It was really hard not to."

Fen wrapped the towel around himself as Ripley took off his clothes. Maybe this was their last night. Maybe this was all he'd get. He grabbed lube while Ripley wasn't looking.

When Ripley beckoned him from the tub, Fen slipped outside and closed the door behind him. Ripley had dropped his towel under the protection of a chair and Fen put his on top. In his hurry to climb into the water, he slipped and would have crashed down hard if Ripley hadn't caught him. He pulled Fen to his side and held his hand.

"All right?" Ripley asked.

Fen nodded. "Thanks. I missed my footing." He sank down until only his head was out of the water. "Think they were shocked I turned down the money?"

"Yes."

"You told me I should have taken it."

"The ￡750,000, and then they offered a million. Shows how bad I am at that sort of negotiation."

Fen tipped his head back and caught a flake of snow on his tongue. "You get why I turned it down, though."

"I do. Not many people would have done that."

"A life-changing sum but it couldn't change my life."

"It would have taken you to Japan and back. More than that."

"But not made up for everything Jack Miller didn't do. By the way, I had a slight problem giving you your money back. The bank clerk asked me about fraud and money laundering."

"Ouch."

"I think I managed to reassure her."

"Think?"

"You'll have to wait and see if you get a call from the police."

"There's nothing illegal about giving someone money and them changing their mind."

Fen shrugged. "I really don't care about money. I care about having enough to get by. I don't want to be in debt. But money doesn't guarantee happiness. It can't solve everything.

"Like poor health."

Fen nodded. "That was the reason I decided to leave."

Ripley stared at him without blinking. "Your health?"

"You know I won't have a long life."

Ripley tightened his hold on Fen's hand. "We're all dying."

"Yes, but I don't… I don't want you to watch me slowly deteriorate as my body gives up on me. One day I'll need a wheelchair. I'll probably have to use a ventilator. Then my heart will decide it can't cope and I'll die."

"You don't know what's going to happen. You could get knocked down by a bus tomorrow." Ripley groaned. "What I should have said was no one knows how long any of our lives will be."

"That's true and sort of the code I live by but that doesn't factor in the effect of my illness on other people."

"There's one thing I know. My life would be better with you in it, whether that's for five years or fifty."

"I won't last another fifty."

"You don't know that. Medical advances are being made all the time. I don't believe you're so defeatist."

He wasn't. But he couldn't pin his dreams on what might or might not happen.

"What about the new drug? It could work a miracle. If not this one, then another." Ripley pulled him round and into his arms. "Stop trying to push me away. I understand the situation. This is my choice too. Not just yours. We're both broken in one way or another, but together we're just about whole. Okay for now is all we can ever be. And we are okay, aren't we?"

Fen sighed.

"The stupid thing is I thought it would be me needing to push you away." Ripley brushed snow from Fen's hair.

"Because you worried I'd become too attached? That I'd hope you'd change your mind about the six months and fall in love with me and not want to let me go?"

"I didn't need six months."

Fen tensed. The atmosphere between them thickened and tightened until Fen found it hard to breathe. Ripley hadn't actually said the words but… I hear them.

"I'm reminded of something Winston Churchill once said. Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. Well, I've stumbled over the truth but I'm not going anywhere. I love you."

As Ripley said the words, snow started to fall more heavily, thick flakes landing on them and melting. Fen opened his mouth, then closed it again before eventually coming out with— "You love me?"

"Want me to say it again?"

"Well, I hope you're not only going to say it once and that's all I get."

Ripley smiled. "I." Kiss. "Love." Kiss. "You." Kiss.

"Is it because I'm the son of James Bond?"

"Obviously."

"I'm going to pick the perfect time to say it back to you. Probably when you stand up in court about to address a jury. Or when your mum asks you to pass the salt when we're round for dinner. Is that likely to happen? Dinner, I mean?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, I'll think of a perfect time to say it. When you buy me another sandwich. When would be more appropriate than that?"

"You're babbling."

"I know. Shut me up."

The kiss was everything. Fen forgot all the reasons why this wouldn't work and only thought of how much he wanted it to work, how much he wanted Ripley.

"Everything is better with you," Fen whispered. "You make me feel stronger. I know you're there to catch me if I fall."

"I'll always be there to catch you. But promise not to break my heart. Not now you've mended it."

"You did buy me that kintsugi kit."

"Only to be used if you're desperate."

"I'm desperate now. Is there enough snow on the chair?"

Ripley frowned. "Why? Oh." He gulped. "It's cold."

"Only for you. I'll be on top of you. Put the hot tub lights off or we'll be on display."

"No lube."

"Under my towel."

"How did—?"

"Magic."

Ripley sighed and nodded.

A moment later, the garden was dark apart from the falling snow. Ripley gingerly lowered himself onto the snow-covered chair and sucked in a breath.

"Be quick before my balls freeze," Ripley whispered.

"Said no gay man to another gay man. Ever." Fen put the lube in Ripley's hand before he straddled his lap. "Whose idea was this? It can't have been mine."

Ripley squirted lube onto his left hand and slid two fingers of his right into Fen's mouth. "I think you need to shut up."

Fen sucked at Ripley's fingers and moaned as he felt the pressure at the entrance to his body.

"Hmmph…mmph…mmmph," Fen groaned and dropped down onto Ripley's chest.

"My beautiful boy," Ripley whispered.

You'll make me cry. Fen relaxed enough to allow one finger inside him and they both made a whining sound. Ripley took his hand from Fen's mouth and dropped it to his lower back. Then two fingers were moving inside him and Fen forgot this was a stupid idea and that he was cold.

"I need more now. Please," Fen whispered.

Ripley was stroking his prostate and Fen was vibrating with need.

"You have to help," Ripley said.

Fen pushed himself up and Ripley positioned his cock. As Ripley nudged into him, Fen pressed down. His muscles gave way almost instantly and he impaled himself an inch at a time. Fen's body clenched and burned around the intrusion, but it was Ripley who was making all the noise, his low breathy rumbles filtering through to Fen.

"Fen, Fen," Ripley gasped.

He put his hand on Fen's neck and dragged him down to kiss him and at the same time bucked to drive his cock the rest of the way home. Fen cried out into Ripley's mouth. Every drive into Fen's body sent his nerve endings wild with need. Then Ripley's cockhead brushed Fen's prostate and Fen caught fire in the snow.

Fen put every ounce of energy into this. He sank down onto Ripley's cock, forcing it deeper and they moved faster and faster. Fen's balls drew up tight against his body, his cock wedged between them and he bit his lip as he tried to rein himself in. Don't come yet.

But not coming was impossible. His entire body spasmed. His muscles clamped, and they both went spinning off into space. Fen's come spurted between them as Ripley exploded inside him and wrapped in each other's arms, they clung to each other, tighter than they ever had.

"I love you," Fen whispered. "I love you so much that it hurts. Though that might be because I'm freezing to death. Also, I think the neighbours are back."

"What?"

Ripley had them both inside the house in a moment.