28

28

It had taken Fen a long time to decide what to wear. Though that was in part because he'd also packed a bag ready to leave. He didn't know how or when he was going to do it, but it had to happen. Much as he might wish it otherwise, there was no long-term for him and Ripley, no growing old together. Overhearing that call between Ripley and Matthew had made him face reality. Over time, Fen would be a burden. His body would betray him sooner or later and he didn't want Ripley to have to look after him. Better to break away while they still liked each other than wait until it fell apart.

He wasn't sure that was true but it was what he had to believe.

Fen couldn't remember the last time clothes had felt so important. Except maybe the first date with Ripley. He considered putting on his old stuff, because that had been his life until recently, but in the end, he'd worn his best trousers, a pale blue dress shirt and Ripley's grey tie, which he had to have help tying. When Fen looked at himself in the mirror, he felt ill. His face was pale. His stomach jangled with nerves. Today, he might see his father, stand face to face with him. What should he say? What might his father say?

Ripley had asked Harry to drive them to the lawyer's and they were waiting for his call to say he was outside. There were still people with cameras out there on the pavement. Fen would have to walk through a mass of vultures and he couldn't hurry. He looked up the collective noun. A wake.

"What made you almost smile?" Ripley asked.

"A group of vultures is called a wake."

"I won't let them tear into you."

Ripley had been kind but Fen had felt him in retreat, just a little. Slightly reserved, quieter. Or maybe that was him, not wanting to be shown kindness that couldn't last.

"There's another article," Ripley told him.

Oh fuck. "You think I should read it?"

Ripley offered him his phone.

The headline was Dangerous World of Jack's Secret Son! Fen only just stopped himself crying out when he saw the photo of him, Seth and Morgan in their leather outfits. It wasn't possible to identify any of them, but in another photo outside the club, Fen's mask had been part-pulled off and he looked as if he was brawling with a guy. At his side, a man he now knew was Ripley was yanking Fen free. At least Ripley couldn't be recognised. Fen looked wide-eyed, drunk, even drugged and all he'd been was frightened.

"Who took them?" Ripley asked.

"Seth gave his phone to a bartender to take the one inside. I don't know about the other. Maybe Seth snapped it." Disappointment seeped through Fen's body like a dense suffocating fog, clogging his lungs. He didn't want to believe his friends would sell or give photos to a paper. He grabbed his phone and Ripley caught his hand.

"What are you doing?"

"Asking them why they did this."

Ripley let his hand go.

Morgan was quick to answer.

"We've been trying to call you. Are you okay?"

"What do you think?"

"Shit, we're sorry. It was bloody Daniel. We've thrown him out. Those photos were in an album. I'm really sorry, Fen. We both are."

"It was my fault," Seth said. "I took them because I thought we could laugh about them one day, talk about the crazy things we did. I never imagined Daniel would go through our stuff."

Fen took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you who my father was. I never told anyone."

"Hey, it was none of our business," Morgan said. "Daniel is a fucking arsehole to do this. Just because you weren't interested? What a tosser. Is there anything we can do? Speak to the press? Tell them the truth?"

Ripley shook his head.

"No. Don't say anything."

"What does Ripley think?"

"He says to keep quiet. I'll call you another time. I have to go."

"Whatever you need. Call us."

"Okay." He powered his phone off again.

Fen felt as if he'd been thumped. If…if…if…

"Who's Daniel?" Ripley asked.

"A former friend of Seth and Morgan. He made a play for me and I turned him down."

"He seems to know a lot about you."

"He must have gone through Seth and Morgan's stuff, he—"

Ripley gave him a look, not a friendly one, and handed him his phone. "Read on."

Fen's world crumbled. Daniel had repeated the conversation they'd had in the pub and twisted it. Doing something you really didn't want to do to earn eighty thousand pounds. Stealing something when you knew you wouldn't get caught. Fucking someone for money. Then, Daniel's words… Fen said I wasn't rich enough for him. His mouth lost all moisture and he felt totally chilled.

"What did you tell your friends about us?" Ripley asked, his voice as cold as Fen had ever heard it.

"Nothing. They were hypothetical questions."

"Except they weren't, were they? You know what people are going to think about us now."

It wasn't a question.

"This is not something I can tolerate."

"I'm sorry. I never said Daniel wasn't rich enough for me."

"That I believe."

But not the rest?

"Harry's outside."

Fen was surprised Ripley still wanted to go with him. Maybe he didn't. "You don't need to come with me. I'll go on my own."

He really wanted Ripley to come.

"Fine."

One word to end it all. Ripley couldn't see the way Fen was bleeding inside, how his heart had been ripped apart.

When Fen stepped outside the door, he had to make his way through the wake of vultures, people waving microphones in his face, cameras flashing, sharp beaks trying to peck at him. Things were being called out. Not nice things. Fen kept his head down, his mouth shut and found Harry helping him into the front seat of the car.

Harry climbed in the driver's side and closed the door. "No Ripley?"

"No."

Harry pulled away. He'd not gone far before he said, "We have a tail."

"Doesn't matter. Don't take any risks trying to lose them."

"You're in a bit of a pickle."

"A bit."

"Don't take any notice of what the papers print. They just want to sell stories. They don't care who they hurt. Tomorrow's chip paper, my granddad used to say. Though they don't use newspapers to wrap chips up now. It'll all blow over."

"Yes." It probably would but until it did, life was shit.

"Ripley'll look after you."

Will he? He wasn't here in the car, was he? Fen was hurt.

"I've not seen him this happy in years. Brighter. Smiling."

I've just made him unhappy again.

Fen pressed his forehead to the window. He'd forgotten his coat. He was going to be cold going back. He had to go back to get his bag, didn't he? He had nowhere else to go. Well, maybe Morgan and Seth's. He could return to Ripley's while he was at work and pick up the rest of his stuff.

My heart! Harry had stopped talking now, thank God, but Fen still couldn't think straight. I wish Mum was here. But he wished for Ripley more.

"Here we are." Harry had pulled up outside a tall building. Fen had no idea where they were in London. "Fourth floor. Will you be all right? Want to call me when you're done?"

"I'm fine, Harry. Thank you for the ride."

As Fen got out of the car, he was mobbed by reporters but he kept going towards the doors of the building and a broad-shouldered security guard stopped anyone from following him inside. Fen took the lift to the fourth floor, his heart pounding, his entire body shaking. Was he going to come face to face with his father for the first time in his life? Do I look okay?

Glass doors whispered open as he approached. A young woman stood up from behind a desk. "Mr Wood?"

"Yes."

"Come this way, please."

Fen followed her down a corridor and into a room full of people who fell silent the moment he walked in. It was all he could do not to reverse out. But he kept his head up, and gripped the handle of his crutch more tightly as he looked around. His father wasn't there. But Judd was, and Alexa and Helena with their haughty glares.

"Fen! May I call you that?" A man in a smart suit strode towards him. "I'm Jonas Cooper, the Miller family lawyer. Let me introduce you. This is Bella Curtis."

A tall, thin woman wearing a pink skirt and matching jacket came over to Fen and shook his hand. The moment she beamed at him, he disliked her even more.

"Good to meet you, Fen."

No, it's not. Fen said nothing.

"This is Rob, my associate," Cooper said, "Esther is Bella's colleague. Thank you for coming."

"Aren't you going to introduce me to them?" Fen glanced at the couch.

He was pleased Cooper looked flustered. "Ah yes. Judd, I believe you've already met. Next to him is Alexa, Helena is at the end."

Fen nodded. All three ignored him.

"Do take a seat." Cooper gestured towards a chair. "Is there anything we can get you? Coffee, tea, water?"

A less battered heart? "No thank you."

"Well, let's get down to it," Bella said. "Obviously, this is a very distressing time for Charlotte and the children, who are completely innocent parties."

Helena stifled a make-believe sob, was comforted by her sister, and Fen sucked in his cheeks.

"And I'm not an innocent party too?" he asked quietly.

Bella put her hand on Helena's shoulder. "Charlotte and the children have done nothing to deserve this."

"No, we haven't," Alexa snapped. "You're a gold-digger. I don't believe you are our half-brother. You don't look anything like us. You need to leave our family alone."

Helena and Alexa wrapped their arms around each other. Judd sat with his head and shoulders down, looking uncomfortable. But not as uncomfortable as Fen felt. Though anger was now bubbling through the flood of emotions that had swamped him the moment he'd entered the room. A brother and sisters he wanted and yet didn't want. A family who had no interest in him. None of this was his fault.

"I didn't go to the press," Fen said. "My mum and I are victims too."

Alexa made a loud scoffing sound. "What crap!"

"Let's not apportion blame," Bella said. "We're on damage limitation. Crisis management. Sorry to be giving you more bad news, but this is going to be out tomorrow."

She handed Fen a couple of sheets of paper. Him and Ripley being set upon near Fen's flat. Oh shit. At least Ripley's face wasn't clear, but Fen's was. Drunk and disorderly. AGAIN! Fen skim-read the copy and shuddered.

"I was attacked. I wasn't drunk. I don't drink to excess. I'm not a thief. I've never taken drugs. That photo of me in leather gear was taken on my eighteenth birthday when me and my friends wanted to have a fun night out. I was assaulted then too."

He wondered why he'd bothered. Blank faces stared at him. No one here believed him. Though Judd sat looking miserable.

"You do seem to be a magnet for trouble," Bella said. "The one thing you've done right is not speak to the press."

Fuck you! "I've not done anything wrong."

"The Today Show are clamouring for all four of you to be on next week," Bella said.

"Are they?" Helena's eyes widened. "That's good, isn't it? It would help our brand."

Fen pushed to his feet. "Was that all you wanted? To warn me of the next headline?" He turned to Helena. "And all you care about is your brand? Lies about me are flooding the internet and you want to push your next handbag or lipstick or organic bloody smoothie."

"Please sit down," Cooper said.

As Fen sat, his father walked into the room followed by Ripley. The two were together? What the hell? Fen pressed his lips together—hard.

"Daddy!" Helena and Alexa both rushed into Jack's arms.

"Girls! Girls! It's all fine. Don't worry," Jack said.

Fen looked at the three of them hugging, then stared at the floor.

Ripley dropped down at his side. "Sorry I didn't come with you."

"You're with him?" Fen whispered.

"Of course not. We shared the lift. Didn't speak."

Fen snuck another glance. Jack Miller dropped onto a chair. A middle-aged man in a grey suit jacket, white T-shirt and jeans. A face women swooned over. A star adored by millions. He was nothing to Fen. Never had been. Never would be. Just as well Fen hadn't been holding out for some soppy reunion. The bastard wasn't looking Fen's way.

"Now we're all here," Cooper said, nodding at Ripley.

They know each other?

Cooper was talking but Fen wasn't paying attention. His father might be here, in the same room as him, but Ripley had come. Ripley, who he'd thought he might not ever see again, was sitting next to him, his thigh pressed against Fen's.

"So what do you need?" Cooper was looking at Fen.

"Excuse me?" Fen realised he must have missed something.

"This has to stop," Cooper said. "And the way that will happen is if no one talks to the press. Now or in the future. How can we make that happen?" He was saying we but he was staring at Fen, and Fen still didn't understand.

The two lawyers and Bella crowded around Jack, whispering, then Fen was offered a folded piece of paper. He opened it up, looked at it, and let it drop from his fingers. Ripley picked it up. ￡750,000. Fucking hell.. This was supposed to make up for his father not being there for him? Not coming to his ballet recitals? Not attending any birthday parties? Never being around at Christmas? All of the other million things he should have done?

"The offer is for you and your mother," Cooper said. "We've been in touch with her and she said everything was up to you."

Fen knew exactly how his mum would feel about this. She'd never pressed Jack for money, why would she want it now? Judd, Alexa and Helena hadn't gone without things in the way Fen had. They'd not had to stop asking about going on trips because they knew there was no money for it. They'd not had to sleep in the corner of an office while their mum cleaned it. They'd not had to make do with clothes or have them mended until more could be afforded. Fen's father had never asked about him, never worried about him and this money was supposed to put everything right?

"No," Fen said.

"Fen!" Ripley put his hand on his arm and whispered in his ear. "Why don't you take the money. It's all you're going to get from him."

"No," Fen repeated.

There was another huddle and another piece of paper presented. This time it said ￡1,000,000.

Cooper cleared his throat. "This is the final offer. Made without prejudice on the understanding both you and your mother agree to have no further claim on my client or his estate. Nor will you speak to any media organisation or post anything on social media or write a book about any member of the Miller family or your supposed relationship to them."

Supposed? Fen felt his damaged heart break a little more. There would be no kintsugi repair. This was the end. He'd never admit it to anyone, but he'd always harboured a tiny sliver of hope that one day he'd meet his father and there would be a few kind words shared between them. A sorry in there somewhere. The arsehole wouldn't even look at Fen, let alone speak to him.

"Well?" Cooper asked.

Fen pushed to his feet and slotted his arm into his crutch. "Go fuck yourselves. Especially you." He looked straight at his father, who was still not looking at him, then walked out.

The lift door opened when he pressed the button. He didn't even wait for Ripley but rode down on his own, those few private moments of grief were just for him.

I'm not for sale. He was sort of glad he hadn't said that. Because I am, aren't I? Even though all the money Ripley had given him would be returned to him. Fen half-wished he could turn the clock back so he'd never met him.

When he reached the lobby, he went straight to the bathroom and locked himself in a stall. Do not cry! Do not fucking cry! But it was hard not to. Ripley might have come, but Fen wasn't good for him. The best thing he could do for Ripley was leave him. That hadn't changed. Then he could become a King's Counsel and forget he'd ever met Fen. He rubbed the tears from his face and froze when he heard someone come into the bathroom.

"Dad! Listen!" That was Judd.

"Not now." His father.

Fen flushed the unused toilet and came out to the washbasin to wash his hands. He didn't want to overhear himself being talked about. Nothing good would come of it.

"Are you okay?" Judd asked him.

Fen nodded. He was as far from okay as he'd ever been.

"Don't talk to him," his father snapped.

Why not? What have I done? Fen pulled a paper towel from the dispenser. His father finished at the urinal and zipped up. This wasn't where he'd envisaged having this or any conversation with him, but it would be the only chance he got.

"I'm not signing a gag order," Fen said. "But I won't talk about you. I never have. What the press said about me was wrong. I didn't go and see all your films. I didn't have a scrapbook of you and your pictures. I'm not a gold-digger, nor a thief, nor have I ever taken illegal drugs. I tried to see you once, after Mum told me you were my father. I was ten. You were filming in Greenwich. I waited all day but you didn't come. So I wrote to you and you sent my letter back telling me not to contact you again. I never have."

His father washed his hands and didn't look at him.

"A couple of times in my life, I wished you'd been there. When I danced in my first major role at the Royal Ballet School. I hoped you'd be proud of me. And when I was told I had an incurable disease, and I wouldn't live as long as I'd have hoped, I'd have liked you to hug me. I was a mistake you wanted to ignore. Now I'm an adult who's an inconvenience. I understand I'm nothing to you. But you should know you are less than nothing to me."

Judd kept glancing between Fen and his father. His father had a look on his face, a sort of…knowing smirk – at least that was the way Fen saw it. Arrogance. Had he pursued Fen's mother until he'd got what he wanted? Fen wanted to speak up for her.

"My mum…" Fen choked up. "She was sixteen years old when you had sex with her. You were a lot older. Not a one-night stand despite what you claim. You had a relationship with her for four months. Long enough for her to think you loved her. She was wrong. You only love yourself. You only do things that make you look good. All your charity work…" Fen gave a short laugh. "…for disadvantaged children. What a slap in the face that is."

He turned to Judd. "I had no idea who you were when I first met you. I wasn't trying to hide anything or trick you. I realised when we were talking you were my half-brother, but I didn't say anything. I'd have thought that would have shown you I'm not the guy painted in the press."

Judd nodded and Fen moved towards the door.

"Dad! Say something to him!"

"He doesn't exist," Jack Miller said and Fen walked out.

Ripley was outside the building, talking on his phone. "I thought you'd left. Where've you been? I've called Harry. He's coming to get us. Here—have my coat."

He took it off and draped it over Fen's trembling shoulders.

As they were waiting, the Miller family came out. Judd headed towards Fen.

"Toby!" his father shouted.

Judd ignored him. He came to a halt in front of Fen and Ripley.

"Dad's a prick," Judd said. "But I'm not. What you saw at your party is the real me. Can I have a hug from my brother? I'd like to get to know you."

He held out his arms and Fen stepped into them.

"He can't stand imperfection," Judd whispered. "I think maybe that's why he didn't want to know you. Everything has to go his way. You're better off without him. Can we keep in touch?"

"Yes."

Judd nodded to Ripley and rejoined the others.

Harry pulled up in front of the limo the Millers were getting into and Ripley guided Fen over there.

"Turn the heating up, please," Ripley said and climbed in next to Fen.

Ripley held his hand all the way back, but Fen didn't change his mind about what he needed to do.

There was still a group of reporters outside the house, but fewer of them. Questions were thrown as they left the car. Are you his lawyer? What did your father have to say, Fen? Are you reconciled? Did you meet your brother and sisters? Ripley shielded him all the way to the door and closed it in their faces.

"Is there anything I can get you?" he asked Fen. "You didn't eat breakfast. You should have something for lunch."

"Maybe later. Thank you for coming this morning."

Ripley pulled him into his arms and pressed his face into Fen's hair. "I should have gone with you in the car. You were so good, Fen. When you told them to go fuck themselves, especially your father, I wanted to cheer. I can't believe he didn't speak to you."

Fen hung up Ripley's coat. "He came into the bathroom with Judd when I was in there. I told him I wouldn't sign a gagging order but I wouldn't talk about him. I said it was all lies about me, but he'd told a lie when he said my Mum had been a one-night stand. She wasn't." Fen headed for the living room. "I told him the only person he loved was himself. He only did things that made him look good. He still didn't speak to me. Just said He doesn't exist and I walked out. He's an idiot."

Ripley tugged Fen down onto the couch. "Maybe you should speak out about him. I could find you the right place to do that."

"Not going to happen. He's the sort of man the public feel can do no wrong. No matter what I said about him, he'd still be loved and I'd be criticised. He's a star, does his own stunts, gives to charity, he and his wife have been married longer than most celebrity couples manage. I've seen how the truth is distorted. I don't want more of that."

"Judd seemed nice."

"He is. I could be friends with him, but I don't want to make his life difficult. My half-sisters are idiots who can't see further than the next deal they'll make to promote someone's product. They don't get that if they weren't his daughters, no one would be interested in them."

"You should probably call your Mum and tell her what happened."

"I will. You know, I think I could manage something to eat. I'd love a tuna, mayo and cheese sandwich like the one you bought before."

He needed Ripley out of the house. Fen was too much of a coward to walk out with Ripley watching.

"If that's what you want." Ripley grabbed his phone and wallet and left.

Fen didn't waste time. He booked an Uber, then went upstairs, added his toiletries to his backpack, pulled on a hoodie, and left his keys on the hall table.

Ten minutes later, he was in a Toyota Prius heading towards London Bridge feeling as bad as he'd ever felt. Fen texted his mum details of what happened and told her he was going away for a few days. He blocked Ripley and switched off his phone. He might be doing the right thing but it didn't feel right. Maybe it would eventually.

By the time the driver had dropped him outside the bank in Borough, Fen was sure there were no reporters on their tail. It would have been difficult to follow anyone through that amount of traffic. Inside the bank, Fen queued for a cashier.

"Good afternoon. How can I help you?" asked the lady.

"I'd like to move money from my account to someone else's account, please." Fen handed her his bank card and his driving license. "I'm not sure of the balance in mine." Please don't recognise me or my name.

"The balance is ￡85,541."

Fen gasped. "What? When was the last transfer in?"

"Yesterday."

Why had Ripley done that? "I'd like to transfer the ￡80,000 back to the account it came from. It's not mine."

"Was the money not paid in by someone you know? Do you suspect fraud or money laundering?"

Eek! "No. I just didn't want it to happen. Can you return it? Block future payments in? I'm not in contact with the sender." Not a lie, not technically.

"We can't block future transactions unless you're willing to report fraud or money laundering and complete our formalities. You could, however, close this account and open another."

"Okay."

"Do you have any direct debits?"

"My phone provider. And I need four hundred in cash, please. Oh, and I've just remembered, I've sent the sender money once before. Here, it's on my app."

It took a while to sort out the new account but when the money was winging its way back to Ripley, Fen felt nothing but relief. He gave his mother's new address for where to send his card and zipped the cash into an inside pocket on his jacket. Now all he had to do was survive until his mum and Alistair came home.

He called Morgan, who didn't answer. Then he called Seth.

"Fen! What's up?"

"Think I could crash at your place for a few days?"

"Course you can. What's happened with Ripley?"

"We're done. Don't answer a call from him."

"He doesn't know either of our numbers unless you told him. He better not have hurt you. Morgan is working until six but come when you like."

"Thanks, Seth."

He could be there in fifteen minutes but he needed to be on his own for a while. Fen walked along the side of the Thames and kept walking long after he should have stopped because now he'd have to walk all the way back to Borough and he was tired. He found a place to sit and look at the river. Once he'd stopped moving, he was cold and he pulled on his hat and gloves. Fen hadn't thought his life could be more of a mess, but he'd been wrong.

He wished Ripley had never offered to pay him. He wished even more Ripley hadn't put all that money in his account. Why had he done that? What was he saying? Fen could have the money whether he stayed with him or not? He didn't want the money standing between them? Or he'd known the split was coming, understood the impact these revelations would have on his career and if Fen had hung around today, Ripley would have been asking him to leave.

Fen liked him. More than liked him. Ignoring the mess over the money. When he'd realised it was Ripley he'd been with in the club, he'd thought he was going to keel over in shock. Fen didn't believe in fate, but at that moment, he had. Now everything was wrecked. Thinking about Ripley made his stomach clench in a painful knot. He had enough aches and pains without manufacturing them.

A sense of desolation swept over him. Fen felt overwhelmed, as if his entire body had shut down. He couldn't breathe. A tiny bit of him wished he'd never breathe again. He was so tired. Despair was exhausting. He didn't want to think because thinking hurt. It was almost a disappointment to register his lungs still functioned.

The sun was setting and the Thames was flowing out to sea. He was on the edge of the ebb and flow of life. The sky gradually turned to fire and the reflection on the water made it look as though everything was ablaze. He took a picture. Fen's life might currently be shit but there was still beauty in the world.

He scrolled through all the pictures he'd taken of Ripley and himself. Before he could change his mind, he sat and made a photo book, and ordered one to be sent to Ripley. Not one for himself. He'd always remember what he'd had and lost. Was he just trying to make Ripley see what he'd had and lost?

Of course he was.