19

19

Fen watched Ripley walk away and mentally groaned. That had not gone well. He wished he'd kept his mouth shut, not asked him about Christmas, or mentioned Alejandro, but it was too late now. Neither of them had touched their scones. Fen's appetite had gone. When the waitress wasn't around to notice, he slipped away and headed down one of the rows of stalls.

He'd give Ripley the time and space he needed. Ripley had said it had been two years since he'd gone out with anyone so Alejandro must have died then. Did that explain why Ripley didn't want a relationship that lasted more than six months? Because he was afraid of becoming too involved, losing someone again and getting hurt? But he didn't seem the type to be so knocked back, sad as it was. Alejandro wouldn't want him to be unhappy.

Maybe Ripley— Stop it! Fen tried to turn off his brain. Guessing wasn't helpful.

Could it be the muscular dystrophy that scared him? One person he'd been involved with had died. Then… Fen got that. He—Fuck it! Stop guessing! This was just six months with him that shouldn't be a hardship and at the end was a different life.

Yet, Fen already knew he wouldn't be taking the money so there wouldn't be much of a different life. Well, not for him, though perhaps he could help Ripley start to live again. He might have told himself not to think he could change Ripley's mind before the six months were up, yet he couldn't help continuing to wonder if he could. The money was going to accumulate and Fen would give it all back. It would make him feel better about everything, even though he'd be even poorer.

If it was going to end, Fen would rather that happen organically than because of the ticking down of the clock. He liked Ripley. He was kind and thoughtful, though there were shadows in his eyes that told Fen he'd never really be his. Maybe because of Alejandro, or maybe it was something else. All Fen knew was that he felt more…more everything when he was with Ripley.

Now he wanted to kick himself.

Fen hadn't intended to buy anything, but he ended up with a set of angel-shaped eggnog glasses for his mum and Alistair, where the wings were handles. Fen loathed the stuff, even when it was made by his mum.

He saw nothing Ripley might like. Clearly, anything vaguely hinting about Christmas was a bad idea. There was a bric-a-brac table at the end of the room and Fen ran his eyes over the items for sale. This was probably the sort of thing he ought to do if he was going to set up as a self-employed restorer/reseller. He'd been to a few car boot sales with Alistair, when they'd had to get up early in the morning to be first on the scene, but it was the wrong time of year for those now. Nothing would start up again until the late spring. Charity shops were another option. He could go to those all over London.

A box at the front of the stall had a sign saying Everything ￡1 and Fen rifled through it. When his hand settled on a little wooden hare, he gulped. Was that what he thought it was? He didn't even want to look at it too closely. He wrapped his fingers around it and checked the rest of the container. There was nothing else of interest. Fen paid his pound and put the hare in his pocket. He might have a real treasure.

He hung around inside but didn't wait the entire fifteen minutes. When he went outside, he saw Ripley emerging from the church. When Ripley realised Fen had seen him, he walked over.

"Are you all right?" Fen asked.

Ripley nodded.

"You're religious?" Fen looked up at him.

"No. But… I needed to be somewhere quiet."

They walked back to the car, but once they were inside, with seatbelts on, Ripley didn't start the engine.

"Alejandro killed himself," Ripley said.

Oh shit. Fen didn't move, didn't blink.

"He owned a restaurant. His business was in trouble. I didn't know how bad things were and I should have, but he didn't talk to me about it. He'd maxed out two credit cards, taken out a bank loan and he was still haemorrhaging money. I was tied up in a complicated court case and didn't see what I should have done."

Ripley stared straight ahead and Fen wanted to take his hand but he was afraid he'd be shrugged off.

"His staff began to quit, then his head chef resigned and Alejandro couldn't afford to replace him, so he did his job too, as well as run the place. He came home exhausted. He didn't sleep well and… It all came out in the inquest and people were pissed off with me for not knowing, not doing something to help him."

"That's not fair." Fen risked a look but Ripley was still staring straight ahead.

"His family were angry with me. They needed someone to blame. I wasn't responsible for any of his debts. He'd been careful to keep me out of it, though I paid off his employees after he died. They were his friends. They didn't deserve to lose out."

Fen let his fingers creep across to Ripley's and Ripley grasped his hand.

"How did he…?" Fen whispered. Oh shit, should I have asked?

"I was expecting him back at around seven on Christmas Eve. The restaurant closed early except he didn't come home, nor did he answer his phone and no one I called had seen him. I thought…he was pissed off with me. He'd been pissed off with me a lot. Moody, silent, not wanting me to be around. I went to the restaurant. It was all closed up, the alarm on. There was no sign of him. I put the alarm back on, went home and fell asleep on the couch. When the doorbell rang at one thirty in the morning, I knew before I'd even seen the two policemen."

"Oh no," Fen whispered.

"I remember thinking what a horrible thing for them to have to do, to come to someone's house on Christmas Day and tell them a few hours ago, their partner had thrown himself in front of a train. Poor train driver. I bet he had a shitty Christmas too."

Ripley was clutching Fen's fingers very tightly.

"Shock shifted very swiftly to anger. What a selfish fucking arsehole! What the fuck had he been thinking? How could he do that to me, to his family and friends? I was raging inside. Maybe the police thought I was in shock because I didn't say a word. They wanted to call someone for me. Family."

He gave a short laugh. "The last person I needed to see was my mother. But I had to call Alejandro's family. Though not at that time in the morning. They were going to have plenty of sleepless nights to come, why make that night one of them? So I waited for morning.

"I could hardly bear to think about him and his state of mind, how he must have been feeling. He'd been fighting a battle on his own and I could have fought with him. I felt guilty and…hurt he'd not talked to me. And then I had to hurt someone else. He had a big family. His parents lived—still live—in Epsom. I waited until eight-thirty and I rang his older brother, Mateo. I could hear his kids in the background. Opening their presents. It was awful. He howled."

Ripley pulled his hand from Fen's and put both hands over his face. Fen's eyes were full of tears. He understood everything now. Well, maybe not quite everything, but enough. He unfastened his seatbelt, leaned over and put his arms around Ripley.

"I'm fine." Ripley pulled free.

"You're clearly not." He was pale but there were no tears. Fen blinked back his. You're broken, but that doesn't mean you can't be mended.

Even if Ripley didn't want him after six months, maybe Fen could use that time to make him see things differently. Life was too short to spend years mourning something you'd lost, blaming yourself for an event you'd decided was your fault.

Ripley sighed. "I should have got over it by now."

"Who says? There's no one-size-fits-all for grief. No one can dictate how long it should last. You'll let go when you're ready. Maybe you'll never be ready and that would be sad, but no one should push you into moving on." Much as Fen might want to.

"Alejandro gave me the wooden puzzle box," Ripley said quietly. "I never managed to open the bottom of the damn thing. Alejandro thought it was hilarious I couldn't work it out. I took it to my mother's, along with a few other things of his, because I decided it was bad for me to have reminders of him around, that it was stopping me from letting him go. My desperation to get that box back shows it's not true."

Fen thought about whether to tell him what he'd seen. Better to do it now than keep quiet, maybe? "If you've not opened it, I guess you don't know there's something in the bottom section."

Ripley turned to face him. "What?"

"Paper. Maybe a letter. I didn't read it. I saw the box in your wardrobe when I was packing your stuff and I played around with it. It bugged me I hadn't been able to open it before and thought I'd have another go. You have to sort of press a point on the inside and outside at the same time, move a bit of wood and the bottom slides open. But I didn't read the letter, I swear. If that's what it is. I didn't even take it out. It might not be anything."

"Right."

"Did he leave a note?"

"Yes. His parents have it. It was in the till at the restaurant, addressed to ‘To those I love.' Nothing specifically for me."

After nearly three years together, that must have hurt.

"Yes, it did," Ripley glanced at him.

"I forgot you're a mind-reader."

Read this, then. You're lucky to have had someone who loved you, not everyone is so fortunate. But Ripley wasn't in the frame of mind to see that. At least Fen had a mum who loved him to bits. Ripley had lost the only parent who seemed to care about him.

"We better get going." Ripley started the engine.

Fen knew Ripley didn't want to talk about it anymore. There was more to be said, but not now.

"Have you readanything by Douglas Stuart?" Fen asked.

"No."

"He's one of my favourite writers. Want me to tell you a little about his books?"

"All right."

Fen talked for most of the way back. When he'd run out of things to say about the fabulous Shuggie Bain and Young Mungo, he chatted about Andy Weir's books, then Tom Wood's. He talked about food, things that interested him about London, contradictory proverbs and in desperation, weird collective nouns.

Finally, Ripley joined in. "A business of ferrets."

"I didn't know that one. A cauldron of bats."

"A smack of jellyfish, a shiver of sharks, a murder of crows."

"Wow, you're good at that."

"I had a client once who didn't want to talk and I said something about two crows being an attempted murder and it opened up a line of communication. It was a theft case, not murder."

Fen chuckled. "I like facts that look wrong."

"Such as?"

"The Canary Islands are named after dogs."

"Canariae Insulae. Dog Island. From the Latin."

Fen huffed. "Of course you'd know. So what colour is a purple finch?"

Ripley sighed. "Obviously not purple, so red?"

"Yes. Darn it. Where are Panama hats made?"

"Ecuador."

"I give in."

"Say something to me in Japanese."

"Namaikina yatsu."

"Smart arse?"

Fen gaped at him. "How could you possibly know that?"

"It was a guess. But mind reader, remember?"

"Watashi wa hontōni anata ga sukidesu." I really like you.

"Sooo…you're saying I'm a smart arse—but very good-looking?"

Fen laughed.

"Ah, not that then," Ripley said.

Gradually, Ripley came back to life and by the time Fen had been dropped at the front door with the bags and the stone, named Winston by Fen, and Ripley had gone to put the car in the garage, things felt okay.

Fen was unpacking their things when Ripley came in carrying Winston.

"Oh good, no one stole him," Fen said.

Ripley rolled his eyes and carried it out into the garden.

Fen had time to hide the little hare, which he was sure was a piece of netsuke, a small carved Japanese ornament used as a toggle to hang things from on traditional dress. The wooden hare had holes a cord could go through. If it was authentic, it could be valuable. Sadly, there were a lot of fakes out there. He'd wondered if Ripley might like it.

Ripley helped him put everything away. They washed the fossils and sea glass and left them to dry. Fen set the washing machine going, wondering when rather than if Ripley would ask him to open that box.

"Anything you fancy to eat?" Ripley asked.

"Tomatoes on toast."

Ripley raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

"It's my favourite simple thing to eat."

"Is one tin enough for two of us?"

Fen nodded. One tin could last him three meals.

They'd finished eating before Ripley asked the question. "Would you open the box for me?"

Fen nodded.

Ripley went up to get it. Fen really hoped the paper was nothing, but he somehow doubted it.

It took him a few moments to manage the fiddly mechanism but when the bottom slid open, he passed the box to Ripley.

"Do you want me to go out or upstairs or something?" Fen asked.

"No." Ripley opened up the piece of paper and sat on the couch.

Fen watched as he read but Ripley showed no reaction. Maybe it wasn't from Alejandro. Ripley held the paper out and Fen went to sit by his side.

His heart pounded when he saw it was handwritten.

Ripley, I'm sorry. I know that won't be enough but it's all I can offer. Please forgive me. I love you but I hate myself more. That's not your fault. None of this is your fault. I couldn't tell you how bad things were. I'd let everyone down. Especially you. And the weight of it kept getting heavier and heavier.

I'm sorry I have to leave you to handle everything but I can't do this anymore. Getting up every day, going to work, then coming home is killing me slowly. I've had enough. I know it's selfish but I'm doing this for me. This is what I want. Not to be here anymore. But that's not what I want for you. It might take you a while to find this. But I figure you will find it. Now you need to move on, Ripley. Find someone better than me. Someone who won't let you down. It's what you deserve.

Just know that I loved you from the moment we met until the moment I died. And I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

Alejandro x

Fen couldn't swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. He bit into his cheeks to try and hold back his tears. Ripley showed nothing on his face but his fingers were shaking.

"Has reading this made any difference to the way you feel?" Fen whispered.

"I let him down. He let me down."

"He couldn't help it. When people get so desperate, all they can think about is how to make everything go away. It consumes them. They don't consider anyone else and that's not through selfishness, just the way their brain is working. He's written this for you."

"Are you going to tell me to forgive him and forgive myself?"

No, not now you've said that!

"Would you ever kill yourself?" Ripley asked.

"That's not a healthy topic of conversation." Especially because if Fen got desperate, he didn't know what he'd do.

"No, you're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you that. I'm going to bed to do some reading. Sleep in the other room tonight, please. I don't want to disturb you."

Fen nodded. He doubted it was a matter of Ripley disturbing him, more that Ripley needed to be on his own and not be disturbed by Fen.

An upsetting end to what had been a lovely weekend.

Fen heard no sound from Ripley's room when he went upstairs. The door was closed. When he pushed open his own door, his toothbrush and paste were on the bed. Right, well, I didn't plan to bother him to get them.

He did his exercises, albeit a little half-heartedly. He wasn't sure Ripley still wanted him around, not just tonight. But today, he'd relived a traumatic event in his life and he needed space. Fen understood.

Christmas would always be a difficult time of year. Ripley might have thrown in that comment about forgiving Alejandro and forgiving himself, but it was exactly what he needed to do, not deny himself happiness over something he couldn't put right. Alejandro's death would always be part of his life, as BMD was part of Fen's but shouldn't that make them both more determined to be as happy as they could manage to be?

Memories of ballet still pushed their way into Fen's head. Jumps where he'd thought he was flying, applause that rang in his ears, those times he'd lost himself in another world and become Creature or Des Grieux or Jeune Homme… He wanted those memories even though they hurt. The pain and disappointment had faded. There was no more wailing why me? because why not me?

Fen woke with a start in the early hours and as he lay with his heart pounding, wondering why he'd woken, he heard something. The sounds were muffled but… Fen climbed out of bed, padded awkwardly over to the door and cracked it open. Fuck. He almost wished he hadn't because Ripley was sobbing; angry, painful, muted sounds that tore at Fen's heart.

He was so tempted to go to him, to hold him, comfort him, but he decided it was best not to. Fen crawled back into bed and lay staring at the door. Did I do the right thing? When the noise stopped, Fen rolled over to face the window. He tried not to cry about anything, but bed was the place where his emotions sometimes overwhelmed him, the place where he was prepared to allow himself a few moments of self-pity because only he would know. Ripley was having a moment like that.

Fen was on the verge of sleep when he heard the door open. Ripley climbed into bed pulling Fen close, pressing his face to Fen's neck and holding him tight, his hand resting over Fen's heart. Ripley's shaky exhalations warmed his skin. Neither of them spoke or moved. Eventually, Ripley's breathing settled and when he slept, Fen did too.

In the morning, Fen woke alone and if it hadn't been for the rumpled pillow, he might have thought he'd dreamt sharing a bed with Ripley. There was no sign of him downstairs and no note, but on the kitchen worktop was a little flower in an egg cup. A cyclamen from the back garden. Fen smiled. It was a good start to the day.

Cleaning the summer house didn't turn out to be a big job. Fen couldn't help wondering what it had been used for. It was warm in there. The electric heater was on a timer. The only thing it didn't have was running water so when Fen needed a drink, he had to go back to the house.

His mum had texted to say they'd be there around eleven and when his phone rang at twenty past, he pulled it from his pocket. "Hi, Alistair."

"We found a parking spot a few doors away."

"It's a miracle!" Fen heard his mum say.

Alistair laughed. "Want to come and let us in?"

By the time Fen opened the front door, his mum and Alistair were outside with boxes in their arms.

"Hi, sweetheart," his mum said.

Fen kissed her and took the box from her.

"There's a few more," Alistair told him as he put his box inside the house.

"Shall I help?"

"We can manage," his mum told him.

The next thing she brought to the door was wrapped in foil. "Dinner," she told him. "Enchiladas."

"Ooh thanks, Mum!" Fen slotted it in the fridge.

The last box out of the van held pieces of wood and between the three of them, they moved everything to the summer house.

"Thanks so much," Fen said as they went back into the kitchen.

"No rush on anything. You'll work out what needs doing." Alistair looked around. "Nice house."

"My goodness, Fen," his mum whispered. "This place must be worth a fortune. It's lovely."

"Ripley's a barrister."

"He must be a good one," Alistair said. "It's only the ones at the top who earn big money. Oh look. Your kintsugi globe. So that's who this guy is. We wondered."

It was never Fen's globe though he'd always cast longing looks at it. He hadn't realised anyone had noticed. Then again, he did bend Alistair's ear about Japanese ceramics.

"Would you like a drink?" he asked. Please say tea.

"Coffee?" His mum shot him a smile.

Fen sighed when he looked at the coffee machine, but he did his best. In a few minutes they'd find out if it was drinkable.

He dropped down on the couch and Alistair and his mum sat on the one opposite. Fen sensed they had something to tell him and he waited.

"How are things?" his mum asked.

"Good. Did the move go all right?"

She nodded. "I was ruthless. I threw quite a lot away."

Alistair rolled his eyes.

"Not a lot then?" Fen asked.

"Two cracked mugs and a lumpy cushion." Alistair patted his mum's hand.

His mum huffed and Fen grinned. She found a use for everything. It wasn't that she hoarded, she was just good at repurposing, making the ordinary look special. Making me feel special. Fen chewed his lip. He was lucky to have her.

"How long are you going to be able to live here?" She looked around.

"Ripley said I could stay for a few months. He felt bad I got sacked for stealing that ring. He believes I didn't do it."

"That's not the only reason though, surely." She frowned, then winced. "Sorry. It's just… It's very quick to move in with someone, Fen."

"We like each other." And he's paying me. As if he could tell her that.

The coffee machine beeped and Fen pushed himself up.

"Let me do it," Alistair said, so Fen sat again.

"I'm glad he believes you," his mum said. "I'm looking forward to meeting him."

Oh bloody hell.

"I had a word with Scott. He's adamant he didn't put the ring in your bag. I don't know how he had the nerve to say that to me. I'd have stopped him coming to help me move but I didn't want Alistair to struggle on his own."

And I'd have been no use. Fen wanted to ask Alistair if he'd found out whether Scott had any gambling debts, but maybe it was better to let things be. Scott would cock up at some point. He took a tiny sip of the coffee. Not bad.

"You're going to be here for Christmas then," his mum said. "I'm relieved you'll be with someone."

Ah. So that was what she'd wanted to tell him.

"Yes."

"It's a weight off my mind because we're going to Italy for a couple of weeks. Flying out on Christmas Eve."

"Lovely." Fen made himself smile.

"For a break and to look at wedding venues. I told Alistair I wouldn't go if you were on your own."

"Don't be daft. I'm fine. We'll have our Christmas when you come back. I can eat your Christmas dinner any time."

She smiled. "You could come with us."

"Mum! No way. Anyway, I don't have my passport yet. I ticked to collect it from the post office but I've not heard from them." He had but he needed to make time to go.

They stayed until they'd drunk their coffees. Fen was all smiles until he'd closed the door, then his heart sank. Where am I supposed to go for Christmas now?

He went back out to the summer house and unpacked the boxes. There were new bottles of all the stuff Fen usually used: oil, wax, polish, cleaning solution, glue… Alistair had been generous and Fen couldn't help but wonder if it was through a sense of guilt about Fen losing his job, maybe because of Christmas too. Fen and his mum had never been apart at Christmas. Ever. Even after she'd started to go out with Alistair, she'd put Fen first. His heart clenched. Though wouldn't I have been happy to stay with Ripley, if he'd wanted me to? Maybe not if she hadn't had Alistair.

Fen called Seth, because of the two friends, he was the most likely to be able to answer.

"Hi," Seth whispered. "I'm going to the loo," he said loudly. Then a moment later, "I'm in the loo. I might as well go while I'm in here. Ignore the noise."

Fen groaned. "Did I need to know that?"

"Honesty is my middle name. You okay? You broke Daniel's heart, by the way."

"Did I? On the basis of a drink in the pub?"

"He's still going on about you. To be fair, he's more pissed off that you said no, obviously doesn't happen often to a catch like him—ha, but he still reckons he's in with a chance."

"He's not."

"He's not that bad," Seth protested. "He's a fantastic artist. We're working together on something. Meet him again. Give him another chance? He was probably nervous."

"I'm already seeing someone."

"Oooohhhh. Oooooohhhhh! Dish! Right now. Details!"

"No. You'll insist on meeting him and then once you've opened your mouth, he won't want to see me anymore."

"I'm washing my hands now. The Niagara Falls sound is not me peeing."

"Seth! TMI!"

"So what did you want? Quick because they'll send someone to get me if I linger. I don't know what they think there is to do in here."

"What are you up to at Christmas?" Fen crossed his fingers.

"Being tortured at Morgan's parents. There'll be finger bowls and I'll use a spoon to drink the water and say ‘what a lovely soup'. Won't be the first time. What does he see in me? Don't answer. I know it's my nine-inch cock."

Fen sniggered.

"Eight-inch then."

"If you say so. So, if you're going away, is your flat empty over Christmas?"

There was a long pause before Seth spoke. "Ah. Are you okay? Well, no, you're not. What's wrong?"

"Mum's going to Italy so…"

"Shit, Fen. We said Daniel could stay. To be honest, he's already moved in. His landlord needs to sort out some water damage so he's sleeping on the couch for a couple of weeks."

"Right. Well, I'll ask someone else. No problem."

"I'd much rather have said yes to you. Sorry. He only asked yesterday."

"It doesn't matter."

"Can't you stay with your new bloke?"

"Probably. I better go. Holes to drill. Stuff to glue."

"Inside leg measurements to take. I get it. If you fancy a drink before Christmas, give us a ring."

"Bye."

Shite.