18

18

Fen couldn't remember when he'd had such a good time—not counting last night or earlier this morning. The thought made him smile. He'd filled his pockets with two hundred-million-years-old fossils, along with far younger fragments of blue, green and white sea glass, plus he'd taken loads of pictures of Ripley. Gordo had taken several of the two of them and Fen thought he could make a memory book, only for the idea to crush his good mood. A memory of six months during which he'd continually hoped there could be more, even though Ripley had told him that wouldn't happen?

Bloody stop it! He knew better than to let himself get upset about things over which he had no control. Maybe this was the only relationship he'd ever have. So he was going to enjoy it and stop thinking about it ending.

Ripley was fun. Fen didn't know if he was always like this when he got to know someone but he was nothing like the arsehole who'd splashed him with his car.

Lunch was perfect. Set up in a pop-up shelter by one of Gordo's team, and he and Ripley were able to sit in comfort and look out at the sea, watching as the tide started to turn.

"Hurry up so we can look for more fossils on the way back," Fen said.

"How much more can we carry?"

"I can't carry any more but you could."

Ripley glowered. "I've still not forgiven you for calling me a donkey."

Fen snuggled against him. "I'll make it up to you."

"Yes, you will, but no more rocks."

"Concretions. Only one more, I promise. Will you carry just one more? Please?"

"One."

Fen checked no one was looking and gave him a kiss.

"Maybe two," Ripley said when Fen pulled back.

"Deal."

The three of them set off towards the car park, with Fen trying to ignore his aching body. He'd probably never get the chance to do this again and he wanted to make the most of every second. He was doing his best to plant his feet carefully but the other two were ahead and he wanted to catch up. A moment later, he'd crashed to the ground, yelping as his knee collided with a rock.

Ripley rushed back to his side, followed by Gordo.

"I'm fine," Fen said. He put his hand down to push himself up and stopped. "What's that?" He picked up a small dark stone with a rounded edge and saw another beneath it.

"Wait," Gordo called.

He crouched at Fen's side. "Use this. Dig them out carefully."

There were four pieces that looked the same apart from their increasing size. Fen turned one in his fingers. "Are they vertebrae?"

Gordo nodded. "I'm pretty sure they are. Maybe from an ichthyosaur or plesiosaur. Really good find. Well done."

"Do you think the rest is down there?"

"There might be more vertebrae but it's unlikely there'd be a whole skeleton. I'll put a ring of stones here and come back when the tide has gone out." Gordo took a few pictures, so Fen did too.

"We can keep looking for a little while but the tide comes in fast so when I tell you to move—you move."

Nothing else was found and they were about a hundred metres from the car park when Fen tugged on Ripley's arm. "I want to choose my last rock from near the foot of the cliff."

"Is that allowed?" Ripley asked Gordo.

"Yes, but don't touch the rockface."

Fen made his way up the beach. "Maybe that one," he said. "No, this one. Oh no, that."

He pointed to something the size of a large serving plate, but a lot thicker.

"Fen!" Ripley moaned.

"See if you can pick it up. If you can't, I'll try."

Ripley sucked in his cheeks, then bent and picked it up. "It's too big."

Fen put on his extremely disappointed face, the one he used on his mum when he was desperate.

"Fine," Ripley sighed.

Great, it worked on Ripley too. "Thank you."

"But now I can't catch you if you fall."

"I already fell and you didn't catch me! This is your punishment, Sisyphus."

"I'm going to be carrying this around forever?"

"Possibly."

Gordo laughed when he saw what Ripley was carrying.

"I'm positive it has something inside it," Fen said.

"Right. Well, good luck with that. It's been a great day. Thanks for being such good company."

"Hold this," Ripley said to Fen and stuck the rock in his arms.

Fen nearly buckled under the weight. He wasn't supposed to… Shit! He had to let it go and it only just missed his toes.

Ripley gave Gordo a twenty-pound note. "Thanks for putting up with us."

"I've had fun. Come and see us again. I'll let you know what I find next low tide."

Gordo headed off and Ripley turned to Fen. Fen looked down at the rock.

"It'll be a great paperweight," Fen said.

Ripley groaned. "The desk will collapse."

"Door stop?"

"The doors don't swing open."

"Garden ornament?"

"Promise never to call me a donkey again?"

"I promise."

Ripley picked up the rock and carried it back to the car.

I really like him.

Fen's body was seizing up by the time they walked into the house. He gritted his teeth so he didn't cry out and felt a sense of triumph he'd managed for so long without his crutch. Once he'd taken off his jacket, he made straight for the sofa.

Ripley dropped down next to him. "You look pale. Are you okay? Cup of tea?"

Fen nodded. He didn't trust himself to speak. When Ripley bent down to take off Fen's boots, then his own, Fen's throat closed up.

"Lie down," Ripley said. "I'll get a blanket. I'll keep it in place on top of you using that rock."

Fen laughed. He didn't usually like being taken care of, but he was exhausted. He pulled his feet up onto the couch and closed his eyes.

When he woke, Ripley was next to him working on his iPad. He closed it when he realised Fen was awake.

"Tell me it's not Sunday." Fen sat up.

"Not quite."

"Really? What time is it?"

"Nearly five."

"I'm going to have to find something that will really exhaust me if I'm going to sleep tonight. Something that doesn't require too much effort from me. Basically, an activity where I can lie there and expend the perfect amount of energy. Damn it, I can't think of anything."

Ripley raised his eyebrows. "I've booked us in for a meal at six at a place we can walk to. I was going to stuff you in the car and drive there if you were still asleep."

"I knew you cared." Fen pushed to his feet. "I need to warn you I'm going to strip down to my T-shirt and shorts but it's not a come-on. I have to do a few exercises before I can manage the stairs. Tai Chi—if you want to join in."

Fen wondered if he would, but Ripley stripped to his shorts and T-shirt too and stood next to him.

"Hand positions, movements, and gestures are extremely important," Fen said."Your hands need to be held in a relaxed way. No tension."

Fen widened his stance and slowly lowered his hands to the carpet. Ripley mirrored his movements.

"I wish I was behind you." Ripley gave a low growl.

"Concentrate, young grasshopper. Stand again, bend the knees and sink into the posture."

Shit! That hurts! Fen winced.

"Fuuuck." Ripley groaned.

Not just me then.

"Tuck in your bum and get lower." Fen steadied his breathing. After he'd had as much as he could take, he said, "Now slowly straighten up. We move into ‘Standing Firmly'. Imagine you're a tree, your roots deep in the earth. Stand up tall but not stiffly. Breathe regularly… Now sway from side to side as if the wind is blowing you."

Fen moved through a few more exercises then stood in front of Ripley. "This is called ‘Pushing Hands'." He'd done this in class. It was supposed to let you develop an awareness of your partner by tuning in to their energy flow. Fen had never really got the energy flow bit, not that he'd ever have told Agatha. Maybe it was because his partner had been a farty septuagenarian, but perhaps with Ripley… "Copy what I do."

Just the outside edge of their right hands rested together above the wrist and yet the moment they touched, Fen felt as if he'd been struck by lightning. He could feel his body reacting, his heart rate increasing, his breathing turning shaky and there was a slight tremble in his limbs. When he looked into Ripley's face, their eyes locked.

It was a long moment before Fen risked speaking because he didn't want his voice to break. "Now we need to circle our bodies, moving from the waist, but we keep our hands in contact all the time."

Fen wasn't sure how it happened so quickly, but they were moving in unison, turning and swaying slowly, their arms drawing invisible spheres, hands always connected.

"This is a slow, gentle version of fighting," Fen whispered. "I'm advancing, you're retreating, then we change, and change again."

Fen pushed and Ripley yielded, then Ripley pressed and Fen retreated. Fen could feel himself calming. His breathing eased as he felt the two of them working as if they were one organism. Part of him had never really gone for the philosophy of yin and yang, but he could feel something now, a sort of merging of self, a sense of happiness and peace sweeping over him.

Ripley coughed and the connection broke.

"This is the way we end the session." Fen put his right fist to his left palm and held it in front of his body. Ripley copied him.

"The gesture says we have no weapons concealed and no ulterior motive. It shows respect, gratitude and honour."

Ripley nodded. "It was interesting."

"Said in the voice of someone who's thinking never again."

"I'd do it again. With you." He smiled. "I'll shower first."

Fen watched him disappear up the stairs. Had Ripley felt something too? Was that him running away?

Ripley showered quickly wondering what had happened. He'd never tried Tai Chi before, never contemplated doing it. It had been more of a workout than he'd imagined, but more than that, in the last exercise, he'd actually felt something pass between him and Fen, some sort of silent communication that let them mirror each other without effort. Ripley didn't believe in magic but something had happened.

He still hadn't figured it out by the time they left the house.

This time, Fen took his crutch.

"Sure you don't want me to drive there?" Ripley locked the door.

"No. I'm fine. Will they sell fish and chips?"

"If they don't, we'll go somewhere else. That's what I want too."

Ripley thought the chances of any decent restaurant in a seaside resort not selling fish and chips were low.

"I can't tell you how much I enjoyed today," Ripley said.

"Stoke on Trent next time!"

"I think you could make even that fun."

"Give the place a chance. We could do a pottery course. Get down and dirty with the wheel. Are you in the least bit arty?"

"No."

"Then snake charming."

"Mmm."

"Though you'd have to do it on your own. I'd watch. From a distance and by that, I mean by video link from another town."

"I've eaten rattlesnake."

Fen gasped. "And I kissed you? What else have you eaten?"

They were still laughing when they went into the restaurant. Fish and chips were on the menu so they stayed, though the place looked as if Christmas had exploded. There were garlands everywhere along with endless strings of fairy lights. If Ripley had been on his own, that would have been enough to make him cancel the booking.

He knew he had to get over his feelings about Christmas. It was pathetic. But knowing it and doing it were very different things. However, he didn't want to have to explain anything to Fen and the only way he was going to get away with that, was if they were apart.

"These are the best fish and chips I've ever eaten." Fen moaned quietly. "The haddock melts in my mouth. And the batter? It's fantastic."

"I agree. They're really good. Better than the food at my mother's. I should have warned you. I have to spend Christmas there. I would have asked you to come, but…"

"She thinks I'm a thief. I get it, and anyway, I'd probably disappoint my mum if I didn't spend Christmas with her."

Ripley hid his relief. He'd hole himself up in the house and binge a Netflix series he'd been meaning to get to, if he wasn't too drunk. "Want me to drive you over on Christmas Eve and collect you on Boxing Day?"

"No thanks. Alistair will play chauffeur. Did I tell you, they're getting married in Italy?"

"No. Why Italy?"

"They've been there on holiday every year since they met. They love the food, the people, the wine and the countryside. I have to admit, I'm not particularly looking forward to going because Charles and Scott will be there. If it wasn't that Mum would be very upset if I didn't go, I wouldn't. But it's going to be awkward."

"I could go with you."

Fen shook his head. "They're getting married in July, so…"

And we won't be together then. Ripley should have felt relieved Fen was acknowledging that, so why did he feel disappointed?

"It's okay. I can cope."

"If you change your mind, the offer still stands."

"Thanks." Fen shot him a smile. "That's kind of you. And don't forget I offered to help you sort out those books."

"I haven't forgotten. There's no rush. Even if the house sold in the next week, it will take months to get to an exchange of contracts."

As they headed back from the restaurant, Ripley didn't reach for Fen's hand and wasn't sure why. Fen chattered away at his side about the day and Ripley let him set the pace. He had the feeling Fen was talking to fill space rather than having something to tell him. What was he anxious about?

"Want to use the hot tub?" Ripley asked.

"No. I want to go to bed."

Fen shot him a nervous but cheeky glance that almost stopped Ripley's heart.

"I've been trying to think of an activity where you just lie there and I've come up with one for you," Fen said. "Can you guess what it is?"

Ripley's cock went hard. "Does it involve me being naked?"

"Yes. Completely. I don't know why guys leave their socks on. It looks weird."

"Does it involve you being naked? Socks off?"

"Yes."

"Mmm. I'll think about it."

Fen chortled.

They'd barely got into bed before Fen climbed on top of him, leaning down to press his mouth to Ripley's. With their mouths meshed together, Fen brushed his hands over every part of Ripley he could reach, before his fingers wrapped around their cocks.

"Don't I have to do anything?" Ripley whispered.

"Invite Lube and Condom? Shout encouragement?"

Fen didn't let him go, even as Ripley reached for what they needed.

"You want to ride me?" Ripley asked, even though everything was shouting turn him over and fuck the hell out of him.

"Like a horse? Ooh no, like a donkey. Yes, I want to ride you like a donkey except I wish I hadn't said that because it's not something I'm into. Donkeys I mean. I'll shut up now."

"Really?" Ripley wet his fingers with lube while Fen was still landing kisses and blabbing and rubbing himself against him, but when he reached round to press a finger against the entrance to Fen's body, Fen arched his back and froze.

"You're doing things. I'm supposed to… Oh God, oh God," Fen mumbled.

"You can do most of the work."

Ripley pulled Fen down so he was lying on his chest, then slid his finger along the strip of flesh behind Fen's balls, stroking and circling and pressing as he fought the temptation to mark Fen's beautiful neck.

"Breathe," Ripley whispered and Fen sucked in a shaky breath. "You need to move back a little so I can get a condom on."

Fen sat up again, his knees either side of Ripley's hips. Looking at Fen, those beautiful eyes glazing as he fondled his own cock, and trying to deal with the condom at the same time, proved trickier than Ripley had anticipated, but he couldn't look away. He'd never been one to give compliments. Yet they fell from his lips now. "You're so gorgeous."

Am I trying to distract him from the mess I'm making of getting suited up?Ripley finally managed to get the condom on properly.

"You must get told that all the time," Ripley whispered.

"Not all of me. Which bit?" Fen looked embarrassed. "My skinny ribs? My scruffy hair? My—"

Ripley put a finger over Fen's lips. "Yes, and that hollow at the base of your throat and the way your eyes darken when you're excited and the curve of your smile and how it lights up your face and your floppy hair that I don't want you to cut and your eyeliner and your lip gloss and your innate grace and kindness and—"

Fen put his finger over Ripley's lips. "Shush. No need for flattery. You already have me."

Ripley felt embarrassed to have said anything. Remember what this is about. He pulled Fen down and worked him with his fingers until Fen was writhing against him, letting out mewling sobs, then muttering Ripley's name in broken little whispers. Fen's fingers clamped around Ripley's wrist.

"Ripley! No more or I'll come."

"Then you take charge." Ripley pushed him back and put his fingers around his own cock. As Fen tried to position himself, Ripley clutched Fen's hips.

Fen's eyes fluttered shut, whimpers escaping his mouth as he lowered himself down; a slow and steady descent punctuated by grunts and gasps from both of them.

"Mine are sounds of pleasure not pain," Fen blurted. "You too?"

"Yes, but thank you so much for checking."

Fen opened his eyes and as he laughed, he sank down a little further. They both trembled. Ripley pushed up into him and Fen inched himself down until Ripley was balls deep and there was nowhere left to go. Fen had his eyes shut again, but Ripley was determined not to close his. Fen's cock was still hard and Fen had one hand around it, his other holding onto the headboard as they rocked together.

"Harder… Can you? Fen gasped. "Won't break. Probably won't break. You can fix me if I do. Right? Don't use gold. Unless it's really pure. Toxic if it's not."

Ripley felt a moment of concern that Fen somehow knew he wanted to pound into him, that from the first time they'd been face to face in the shop, he'd imagined himself driving into him, pressing marks into his hips, onto his neck. Feelings he'd thought gone roared back.

Then somehow, they switched around and Ripley was on top with Fen beneath him. Fen wrapped himself around him like a monkey and Ripley pressed his mouth to Fen's neck as he slammed into him time after time, driving the air out of Fen's lungs. Ripley was swept into the current, wrenched out of control, propelled at high speed towards nirvana. There was no point fighting. The result was a foregone conclusion; the increasing pressure in his gut, the sensation of acute pleasure he already felt desperate to prolong, even though he knew that wasn't going to happen.

Fen came first, spurting between them, calling out Ripley's name, and it was enough to tip Ripley over the edge. His head went back and his eyes closed as he emptied himself inside Fen. It seemed to go on and on, and Ripley wished he wasn't wearing protection.

The thought shocked him.

As the world righted itself, Ripley moved so Fen could straighten his legs and when he didn't, Ripley gently did it for him, then rolled away to get rid of the condom. This time when he went to the bathroom to clean up, Fen was behind him.

"See? I didn't break," Fen whispered against his back, kissing his shoulder and twisting trembling fingers in Ripley's hair.

Ripley was back in bed before Fen, and lay facing the window, his back to where Fen would lie. Just sex. Ripley kept repeating that in his head. Well, companionship and sex and he was paying for it, so it was a relief that it was good. The mattress dipped as Fen climbed in behind him. Ripley didn't move and Fen pressed himself up against Ripley's back.

"That was really good," Fen whispered. "Not really, really good so we do have something to work towards."

Ripley had intended to pretend he was asleep, but he couldn't hold back his chuckle. Fen's arm slid under his and while Ripley had never liked to go to sleep touching someone, his eyes closed and he felt himself drifting off.

Why was sleeping with Fen so easy? Was he really the cure for his insomnia?

Maybe.

They had a final walk on the beach the following morning. Fen said he was only looking for sea glass and persuaded Ripley to help him. The green pieces were the easiest to spot, though tiny fragments of seaweed fooled Ripley a few times.

"What are you going to do with it?" Ripley asked.

"I don't know. It's pretty to look at."

Eventually, Ripley had to call a halt because they needed to be out of the Airbnb by eleven.

"It's an addictive hobby." Fen groaned. "Luckily there's nowhere to do it in London or I'd be there every day and end up with a bad back."

Ripley was just happy to see Fen's delight when he found pieces for him, especially the one small piece of red glass, which sent Fen into raptures. They headed back to get the car, which was already loaded and set off listening to another of Fen's play lists, dominated by Take That and Robbie Williams. Fen knew all the words.

"Have you ever wanted to play an instrument?" Ripley asked.

"I thought about taking up the violin, but ballet sucked all my time. Also, I have the sort of personality, that when I do something, I only want to do it if I can make myself really good at it, and I wouldn't have had time for the violin and ballet. Can you play anything other than the piano?"

"No. And I haven't touched a piano for years."

"Is it like riding a bike? You never forget how to do it?"

"Maybe one day I'll find out."

"Do you think we could stop somewhere for a cream tea? Aside from the fact I shouldn't eat cream, and I know it's lunchtime, not afternoon tea time, but I've never had a scone and strawberry jam and clotted cream."

"If you see somewhere, shout out."

Fen was quiet for a while, then called, "Oh, there! A sign says there's a church fayre offering cream tea. Look."

Ripley turned and drove up a lane to a village square full of parked cars. "Can you see the church?"

"On the right."

Parking was free—which made a change—and once the car was locked, they walked down towards the church. As they approached, Ripley clenched his teeth. Of course, it was a fucking Christmas fayre. Why would he have even thought it might not be at this time of year? Signs directed them to a building at the side of the church. The entrance had been decorated with a large festive arch.

Fen stopped suddenly. "We don't need to go in."

Ripley didn't think he'd actually said to Fen that he didn't like Christmas, had he? But having no tree, no decorations, not wanting to listen to Christmas music, probably the way he'd recoiled in the restaurant last night… The clues had been there.

"It's fine," Ripley said and carried on walking.

The room was full of craft stalls where vendors were selling all sort of Christmas stuff—sweaters for dogs, felt mice, silver ornaments, wooden ones… Ugh. He stopped looking at the stalls and headed for an area of seating at the far end of the room.

He and Fen took off their jackets and settled at a table. A waitress wearing a Santa hat appeared at their side.

"Two cream teas, please," Ripley said.

Fen handed over the money and Ripley raised his eyebrows.

"You have to pay when you order," Fen whispered.

"They don't trust you not to run off without paying?"

"It'll be easier for them. Less back and forth."

Ripley felt Fen's foot push against his.

"Are you going to tell me why you don't like Christmas?"

Ripley thought about it. Maybe telling Fen some of it would stop him wondering and also stop Fen thinking there was a chance he'd change his mind.

"A good friend of mine died at Christmas."

Fen's face paled. "Oh, I'm sorry. Actually at Christmas?"

"Christmas Eve."

"Oh shit. I get it. I'm really sorry. Was it…Alejandro?"

Ripley felt his jaw drop in shock and considered looking down to see if it was on the floor. "Explain."

"Your neighbour, the old lady who's suffering from dementia, she asked me if I knew Alejandro, if I'd seen him. I sort of jumped to conclusions. I spotted a photograph on your bookshelf of you with a man and I thought maybe that was him. I guessed he was the one you went out with for nearly three years."

"Here you go!" The waitress put their drinks on the table along with the food.

"Thank you," Fen said.

Ripley tried to pull himself together.

After she'd moved away, Fen let out a shaky breath. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

He seemed to shrink in on himself. He didn't touch the scone. Ripley cut his in half, added butter and jam, then the cream and swapped plates with Fen.

"You're not eating it in the car so have it now." Ripley prepared his own.

Fen picked up the scone and put it down without biting into it. It was obvious Fen was avoiding looking at him.

Sort this out. "You're right. It was Alejandro who died."

"I'm really sorry," Fen whispered.

Now Ripley was the one who couldn't eat.

"I do get it," Fen said quietly. "The happiest time of the year for most people but not for you. I don't think you can ever let go of someone you cared about even when they're not there anymore because they will always be part of you. Though the only experience I have is not someone but something. Ballet. And I know it's not the same. I'm not trying to say losing ballet was as bad as you losing him, but I do understand how strong a hold grief has, how it can cripple you if you let it."

Fen didn't know the worst of it and Ripley couldn't tell him. Not that. He felt as if his head was going to explode. He had to think. "I'm going to go for a short walk. Why don't you look round the stalls and meet me back at the car in fifteen minutes?"

Ripley grabbed his coat and stalked off before Fen could say anything. Now Fen would have more questions.