Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

Antigua was magical.

It was easy to see why Cass and Sam were charmed by life at sea. The blistering hot sun reflected off scorching white sands and crystal-blue waters, but there was a beautiful breeze to cool you off because the island had no barriers. Cass moored the boat just offshore for privacy while our clients, Jennifer and Tom, snorkeled and sunbathed with Sam as their guide. Meanwhile, I accompanied Cass ashore in a dinghy to hit the village market for supplies.

The village center was no more than three blocks wide. You'd miss it if you blinked, yet it teemed with life and culture. Closer to the marina, the stores were more heavily catered toward tourists, with T-shirts and trinkets I had no interest in. But here, clear across town, there was nothing but locals going about their daily life on the island. Most villagers had rich dark skin and bright white smiles and wore the most beautiful bold colors. I was enchanted.

“I've never seen anything so beautiful,” I breathed, taking it all in. I was acting like a kid who'd seen his first snow, spinning in circles with my arms outstretched, in the very center of the square.

It was like the air here did something to me, something magical. I felt carefree and lighter than I ever had. When I stopped spinning, my eyes fell on Cass, who looked at me much like I looked at the town, enchanted. We stopped at each vendor's cart, and Cass pointed out fruits I'd never seen before. He bought one of each for me to taste, feeding me juicy chunks of dragon fruit and star fruit, jicama that tasted like licorice, citrusy-sweet tamarind balls, and we washed it all down with a coconut fresco drink that was to die for. They even served it in the coconut shell!

Cass purchased a huge sugarcane stalk, snapped it in half, and offered me a piece.

“Here, just bite into it.”

“The whole plant?”

“The whole plant,” he insisted, smiling. “You can suck the sweetness from it.”

I watched him go first, my body reacting strangely to the sight of his lips wrapped around the plant, his throat working as he sucked at the pulp. And then his tongue snaked out to swipe the sugar from his lips, and I felt it in my balls.

Why? Yeah, he's hot, but why now ? Was it some coming-of-age thing? Some magical Caribbean mojo working a spell on my body?

For the past few years, I'd been aware of his good looks and his effortless charm, but I always treated it like a harmless crush. The ache in my balls was not a harmless crush. It was desire, pure and simple. I saw what his mouth could do to that stalk of sugarcane, and I got turned on thinking of what it could do to me.

Fuck Nicky, get a hold of yourself. It's Cass!

Next, we moved to the seafood stalls, where Cass chose fresh conch, jumbo prawns, and mahi-mahi. We were going to eat like kings on this trip. Maybe he and Sam would teach me to cook.

When I was younger, I would watch Cass sail away as I stood on the dock and waved goodbye, my heart hurting. I would ask myself why he was leaving again. Didn't we have fun? Doesn't he love me? Doesn't he love my father? When he would come home for the off-season, I used to think that the more fun we had as a family, the more we laughed, and the more memories we made, it might be enough to persuade him to stay this time.

But every year come spring, he would leave again, and I would only see him a handful of times over the next six months. Now, as I stood there looking at it all through the eyes of a young man instead of a young boy, I could see why he was so easily persuaded. It had nothing to do with not loving me. It was the call of the ocean, the adventure, like a siren's song .

How could anyone turn this down? I felt alive in a way I never had before. Who wouldn't want to feel alive every day?

As we made our way down the winding narrow streets back to the boat, Cass slipped his hand in mine, swinging them lightly back and forth.

“I'm so glad you're here with me. So many times I would come here and I thought about you, wishing I could share this place with you. It used to make me feel lonely, but now you're here with me, and everything is perfect.”

This time, the ache came from my heart, not my balls. Fucking Cass, always saying what I needed to hear, even if he didn’t know I needed it.

That night we dined on fried conch fritters, a jicama and tamarind salad, and the most delicious mango mousse. It was hard to tell which I enjoyed more, the food or the atmosphere. Our guests chose to eat in the small dining room, while we ate up on deck, topside, under the stars. The sound of the waves was a constant lullaby that I would never tire of hearing on repeat.

“Where did you learn to cook like this?” I asked.

“Sam and I have taken a couple of courses here and there when we realized we had to feed these people.”

Sam laughed. “I do better with prep work, like a sous chef. Cass is the real chef. ”

I watched him as he ate, popping a conch fritter into his mouth and sucking the grease from his fingers. Was there anything he couldn't do? He'd always been one of my favorite people, but seeing so many new sides of him on this trip was only feeding my adoration, and it was beginning to turn into a severe case of hero worship. I was having completely inappropriate feelings, and I didn’t know what to do with them. But the more I watched and learned about him, the more I wanted him.

Earlier today in the market, I’d wanted him in a physical way, but right now, it was my heart that wanted him. I wanted Cass to belong to me. Not just for the summer, not just for six months out of the year, but every day.

Cass and Sam cleared away the dishes, and when I stepped into the tiny kitchen to help, my heart dropped into my stomach like an anchor sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Sam had his arms on Cass’s hips, and I couldn't tell if he was whispering in his ear or nibbling on it, but it was… intimate.

“I'm sorry, I was just?—”

“No, it's fine.”

At least that's what he tried to convince me of, but Cass moved away from Sam like he'd been burned. My heart beat fast and loud.

Sam glared at Cass. “So that's how it's going to be all summer? ”

“Sam—” Cass called, but Sam was gone.

My tongue felt thick and heavy in my dry mouth. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…”

“No, I'm sorry.”

Cue the awkward silence that only ratcheted my anxiety to the next level. We moved around each other wordlessly as we cleaned up, but I'd never been so aware of him before.

“Cass? Are you and Sam…?”

“Nicky, I didn't mean for you to see that. I'm sorry.”

“No, I mean, you should like who you like. I just didn't know that you and Sam were, you know, together.”

Cass laughed, and the familiar happy sound eased some of my anxiety.

“We're not together. Sam is my best friend, and that's all he'll ever be.”

“Yeah but, you were just?—”

“I know what you saw, and I know what you must think, but that's not how it is. Sit down,” he gestured to the round banquet squeezed into the corner. “Sam and I are close like friends are, and sometimes we, you know…”

He stared like he was hoping I would fill in the blanks. I just stared back, raising my brows, waiting for him to explain.

“Sometimes we play together. When we're lonely, or sometimes just for fun. Sometimes, we play with other people when we're together. It doesn't mean anything, it's just pleasure and comfort. I'm not in love with Sam. And he's not in love with me.”

“But you were with my dad.” And then I realized, maybe Cass wasn't as great of a guy as I thought he was.

“No, Nicky, don't think that. I never cheated on your father. At least, neither he nor I considered it cheating. I was upfront with Brian right from the start. He knew we were a package deal and that he was getting Sam when he got me.”

“So, my dad and Sam?”

“No,” he laughed, almost choking on the sound. “No, your dad had no interest in playing with us, but he understood it was something we did, that we've always done, and that it didn't mean anything more than just taking a moment to make each other feel good. Couples who play with other people are more common than you realize. It happens all the time, although that doesn't mean it's for everyone. But to me, as long as you're honest about it, and you're not sneaking around hiding and lying, then you're not cheating. Not as long as your partner consents. Now, if I were developing feelings for another man, or I was emotionally distancing myself, seeking comfort from someone else instead of my partner, or telling lies, that's cheating. That would hurt much, much worse.”

Yeah, that would definitely hurt. I couldn't imagine being so in love with someone, realizing they weren't who I thought they were, and that they were lying to me every day. Not with the way I felt things so deeply. That kind of betrayal would crush me.

“How did you know you were ready, you know, the first time?”

“The first time I was with a man?”

I nodded, not trusting my voice to squeak like a mouse. It happened all the time when I became nervous.

Cass laughed, like an easy chuckle. “God, I was scared shitless during high school. I had a huge crush on a guy on my rowing team. He used to take his shirt off when he got hot, muscles bulging. Fuck, I was a goner for him. Of course, he was straight, so I was shit out of luck. But I used to dream of him at night when I—” His face heated and we both laughed, knowing what he was about to say.

“When I got to college, I guess I had more confidence, and I was less afraid of what people would think. I never really came out as gay. In college, I just began to experiment and come out of my shell bit by bit, and my parents observed quietly. I'm sure they had opinions about my lifestyle, but they've never shared them. Sam's family was a bit different. They made their displeasure a little more obvious, but they wouldn't dare speak about such things. Nice families don't do that,” he said, making a face.

“The first time I was ever with a guy was Sam, and I wasn't scared because it was Sam. Although I remember feeling like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest, but somehow it just added to the sexual excitement. I can't remember who came first, but I do know that neither of us lasted more than three minutes,” he recalled, laughing. “We were a mess of hormones and lust and bad ideas.”

“And you never got tired of playing with him after all these years?”

“I guess not. Maybe because we're bonded in a way, but nobody can bring me off faster than Sam. He knows exactly how to touch me to drive me out of my mind. He's a beautiful man.”

I couldn't argue with him. Sam’s dark beauty was undeniable. And his bad boy, devil-may-care charm, only added fuel to his fire. Together, they must be volcanic. What I wouldn't give to see that .

“What about you, Nicky? Are you afraid?”

My heart pounded painfully in my chest. There was no way he couldn't hear it. I swallowed nervously, scared shitless, and giggled.

Cass reached across the table and took my hand in his. He stroked the backs of my fingers softly. “If you want to talk about it, or ask any questions, you can always come to me. I don't want you to be afraid.” His changeable hazel eyes bore into me, and I felt like a fish dangling on the end of his hook–ensnared.

“I- I'll let you know.” And then, like the silly virgin I was, I hastily made my escape from the table and hid in the bathroom.

Way to go Nicky! At this rate, you'll remain a virgin until you die. You can't even talk about sex without giggling and blushing and freezing up.