5. Shay

FIVE

Shay

" W hat is he doing?" Leigh asked, leaning closer to the screen, clearly confused. We were in the monitoring room, staring at a panel of screens mounted on the wall in front of us. Twelve views were empty. Only the four angles looking into Dirge's occupied cell were active. The trash can overflowed with empty coffee cups, and even the piney scent of the wood-plank walls couldn't overpower the scent of stale java.

"I don't care, so long as he's stopped hurling himself at the wall. He hasn't stopped since the drugs wore off, and it's beyond awful to watch." Reed ran a hand over his exhausted features, letting his eyes briefly drop closed. He'd been sitting vigil for Dirge's entire stay in the feral cell, and it showed. His clothing was rumpled, his eyes were red, hair askew, and even in human skin, he reeked. But still, I admired his dedication to his brother.

My mate.

I spun back to the camera, temper semicontrolled for the moment, so long as I didn't look at Kane for more than a minute.

But a completely different wolf showed on the camera. Where before a raging, snarling beast had been hurling himself repeatedly at the walls of his cage, now there sat a calm, collected wolf. He stared up at the camera, the only thing betraying his feral status the glowing red eyes. And the blood-smeared walls behind him, but I was trying hard not to think about that.

When I thought about how the blood got there, I wanted to challenge the high alpha—my best friend's fated mate—which was an epically bad idea.

"Has he been taking breaks like this?" I asked Reed, not taking my eyes off Dirge's wolf.

"No, he hasn't been still since the sedatives wore off two days ago. I'm not sure how he's still upright, let alone fighting so hard."

"Almost three full years of hard living have made him strong," Kane murmured from his position behind us. "He was already a fighter, and now he's been honed by nature into a killing machine."

My lip curled up into a snarl without my permission. "He's not just a killing machine. He was trying to protect me!" The words were guttural in my mouth, but still, my wolf lay dormant. The reminder of her absence sent a pang of sadness through me.

"Yes, so the witnesses all agree. But why?" The high alpha paced forward, letting his hands drop to the desk in front of the security monitors.

They didn't know. Somehow, in all the commotion, nobody knew.

Was I even sure myself?

Part of me screamed yes, but the other part—maybe the larger part—wasn't ready to say it. What if I was wrong? What if, somehow, him being feral triggered the mate bond inside me, but not in him? Had anyone ever found their mate while they were feral ?

I didn't know. Dragging in a steadying breath as Kane straightened, I looked just below the high alpha's eyeline, not enough to outright challenge, but enough to push the limit and get his attention.

"He won't hurt me. I want you to let me in to talk to him, and check on him. He may need medical attention."

"No."

"But—"

"It is pack law. Enforcers are the only ones allowed in, and then just to deliver food and water, or sedatives if urgent medical attention becomes necessary. We can all see that he's fine… but probably bruised from his own efforts." There was exasperation in his tone, and to his credit, he spared a glance to his third, who sat wearily in the monitoring chair. Reed's sorrow perfumed the air with a thickly sour scent, but he didn't comment.

"I respectfully ask for you to allow an exception." The words were bitter on my tongue. I didn't dislike Kane; in fact, I was happy Brielle had found him. But the situation was pushing me to fight, to argue, to rage against anything between me and my mate… and right now, that was Kane.

He didn't answer immediately, sizing me up in that unnerving way that alpha wolves have, as if their power is tasting you on the air.

I lifted my chin and kept my shoulders square. I wasn't going to back down, no matter how badly my body ached or how exhaustion threatened to pull me under.

"Everyone but Shay, out," Kane said, eyes still leveled on me.

Leigh squeezed my arm as she made her way past, toward the door. Brielle stopped and whispered something in Kane's ear, a stern look on her face before she followed Leigh. It felt like lead, filling up my chest as I watched my two strongest supporters in the world walk out that door. But if he was sending them out, I had to believe it was for a reason, that there was hope .

"Alpha—" Reed protested, but Kane held up a hand. "You need rest, food, and a shower. You can come back as soon as those are seen to. You have my word as pack leader that your brother will not be unattended at any time."

Reed followed Leigh and Brielle out with a sigh and a last, tormented look over his shoulder at where his brother's wolf still sat, patiently waiting, on each of the monitors.

When the door clicked softly behind them, Kane pulled the chair out and gestured for me to sit. "You've been through an ordeal, and hurting yourself won't help him."

I sank into the chair with a mixture of relief and indignation. Kane was no dummy, even though I wanted to wring his neck right now.

Once I was settled, he propped his hip against the table and ran a hand through his hair. "Tell me."

It was a command, no doubt, despite the fact that he withheld his alpha command. Probably out of respect for my relationship with Brielle. Or just because he was actually a good guy beneath all the responsibility.

"He's… I think he's my mate." I dropped my gaze to the varnished floorboards, suddenly losing all my bluster.

"You think?" I could hear the amusement he tried to squash in his tone. "Why aren't you sure?"

"He's feral! Can he even acknowledge a mate bond? I don't know if this has ever happened before or how to go about dealing with any of this." I was surprised when tears prickled and gave in to the urge to pull my knees up to my chest to give me something to hide behind.

Kane let out a weary sigh. "I would have to have someone check the records, but to the best of my knowledge, there's nothing that precludes a mate bond from forming with a feral wolf. In fact, if anything, they're likely to hit harder, given he's being ruled by his primal instincts and not his human side."

I stilled in the chair, letting that sink in. I hadn't considered that the reason he'd reacted so strongly to me was because the wolf was in charge and didn't know how to handle the bond in a more civilized manner. Though it made a lot of sense, now that he'd pointed it out.

"But it progresses through physical intimacy…" I trailed off, realizing I wasn't telling him anything he hadn't just experienced himself. "How am I supposed to form a mate bond with someone who won't shift from the wolf?"

Kane pressed his lips together in a grim line. "You can't, not unless he'll shift. Feral wolves have been saved over the centuries. Not many, but it has happened." He spoke gently, like I was a scared fawn poised to dart away. That lead from my chest had sunk to my bones, making me feel heavy and sluggish.

The possibility that I'd found my fated mate at twenty-six only for him to be feral and leave me alone for the rest of my life was too cruel to consider. The centuries of loneliness ahead of me stretched in a seemingly endless, bleak expanse. No family of my own, no children.

It was the worst fate I could imagine after growing up in foster care. I'd already lived it. No roots, no loving home to come back to after the end of a long day of harassment and teasing at school. Just me against the world.

The darkness of an unbonded wolf slowly sinking in, driving me insane as the centuries wore on.

I had Brielle and Leigh now, of course. But Brielle was already mated, and in time, the pups would come. Leigh longed for a mate with a fervor that was undeniable, so I was sure she wasn't far behind. They'd go their own ways, build their own families, and then I'd just be another pack mate, the single one.

The third wheel forever .

It took all my willpower to shove those thoughts aside. Getting Dirge back wasn't hopeless. I had to cling to that and let the rest go, or else I'd drive myself insane.

"Can I see him?" I finally asked.

Kane was silent for a long time. "I should say no."

Pain lanced through me, and not from my slow-healing bullet wound. If Kane really wanted to keep me from Dirge, he was strong enough to do it. I'd be no better off than Dirge, flinging himself against an immovable wall.

Unless I wanted to use my relationship with Brielle against him, but that felt wrong.

I steeled myself for the argument, but he saw it a mile away and lifted a hand in warning.

"I should say no. But I think this is a special circumstance. You may see him, but you need a second, in case he doesn't respond in a way we expect. Dirge is an incredibly dominant, powerful wolf, and that was before he went feral and spent three years living in the wild. He was head enforcer for our pack before the change—top five in my father's pack before he left to come with us to Alaska—and he's more dominant than Reed."

"So…"

"So, I will be coming along. Are you ready?"

"Yes." The word was out before it processed in my brain, a pure reflex. I craved my mate on a cellular level, and anything that got me a step closer to him, I'd say yes.

"Okay, then. He likely will respond badly to me being close to you. I will precede you into the room, step to the side, and allow you entry. I'd recommend waiting until I'm in the corner before you step inside. Freshly mated but unbonded males are easily set off at the best of times, and this is not the best of times." He shot me a wry smile before striding out of the room.

I followed hot on his heels, despite knowing I was going to have to wait to go in after him. Something inside me urged me to hurry, to close the distance between us.

"Remember what I said," Kane warned before punching a pin code into the digital lock on the thick steel door. I shifted my body subtly to the side to try to catch it, but only saw the last three digits. It unlocked with a heavy clunk of metal bars sliding back into place inside the door, and then he let himself inside.

The door closed behind him but didn't relock. My hand was trembling on the handle within a second, but I forced myself to wait. No snarls or sounds of fighting came from inside as I counted to ten as slowly as I could manage. As soon as my count was up, I pushed the door open.

The scent of filthy, unwashed wolf hit me like a brick wall, but I didn't care. Because for the first time ever without being surrounded by gun-wielding enforcers, I was standing face-to-face with my mate.