23. Shay

TWENTY-THREE

Shay

A run was exactly what I needed to clear my head, and doing it with Dirge was somehow better than running alone. In the past, I'd always enjoyed being alone. It never bothered me because people—outside a very select few—were dangerous.

But being with Dirge filled a hole I hadn't known I carried inside, lent me an air of safety even as we tore through unfamiliar surroundings. When my sides heaved with effort and the sun sank below the horizon, we turned back for the guesthouse where we were staying.

I shifted back to let us into our room and dropped my abandoned shoes inside the door. Dirge waited while I showered, humming to myself as I scrubbed out the shampoo and then slathered on the conditioner. Thoughts whirled through my mind like little tornadoes, each new line of thought demolishing something in its wake. The news about Brielle was heavy, and I knew tomorrow, when she was feeling better, we'd need a plan. But despite that, all I could think about was the pitcher of spiced wine waiting next to my bed and what I wanted to say to Dirge tonight .

What I wanted to ask him.

How I'd feel if I didn't like the answers he had for me. It was enough to make me shiver under the warm deluge of water, so I quickly rinsed and got out.

I felt uncharacteristic nerves as I slipped on a black sleep set, the soft material making me tremble as it caressed my skin. I couldn't help thinking about the set dream-Dirge had destroyed last night as I fingered the hem and turned out the bathroom light. I checked the stainless-steel water bowl I'd set out for him in the bathroom and then walked into the bedroom.

It was silly to be nervous now, when I'd been naked and writhing under the man last night, but I was anyway. So I did what I always did when my mind was racing: I pulled a little speaker from my bag and set it on the bedside table. Once my phone was connected, I flipped to one of my favorite pieces. As the plaintive piano notes of Gymnopedie No. 1 slowly filled the empty air around us, I fluffed up some pillows and leaned back on the bed. Deciding to just go for it, I poured the spiced wine into a regular glass cup from the bathroom and took a deep swallow before patting the bed next to me for Dirge to jump up.

He did smoothly, barely making a ripple in my wine as he settled next to me, laying his head gently across my stomach.

I listened to the familiar piano in contented silence, sipping the wine and playing with the soft, shorter fur on top of his head. Somewhere around the third full glass, my tongue began to loosen, and I found myself talking to him as I stroked.

"I was a foster kid. I know that's weird for a shifter. Usually, your pack takes care of you, even if your parents die. It happens, right? But I never knew my parents. I don't know if they're dead, or if they abandoned me, or hell, I could be a half-breed, even. An accidental kid left behind after a one-night stand." I snorted, the absurdity of not knowing where I'd come from striking me as funny in my half-drunk state. I poured another refill. Best to get fully drunk, the way this was going.

A drop sloshed over the edge of the cup, trailing like blood down my hand. But before I could wipe it away, Dirge's tongue swept out and licked it away, the warm sandpapery feeling making me giggle.

"Don't feel sorry for me, though. Not for that. If you want to feel sorry for something , I would be sorry about the human trafficking. Well, no. Actually, I don't want to talk about that. Those guys…" I tipped the cup up, draining half of it in a single chug.

"Did you know I learned to play piano in the public school's band class? Once I'd found the pack, I had to catch up on school. I was behind on so many things, but the music just made sense right from the start. I play three instruments proficiently and half a dozen more passably. One day, when my career takes off, I'm going to have the fanciest music studio you've ever seen. All that state-of-the-art stuff I drool over in the catalogs." I swirled the cup of wine, staring down at the bits of green I could see floating in it. It sounded gross on the surface, but I didn't mind it. It was earthy and rich, and paired well with the natural sweetness of the wine. "DJing has always been a temporary plan, but it pays the bills until I can sell some of my compositions."

Unsurprisingly, Dirge didn't answer as he watched me drink. It still felt nice to talk to him, though.

"I am going to have a headache tomorrow, I have no doubt. But I'd like this conversation to be less one-sided, so, bottom's up."

After I drained the fourth cup of spiced wine, I set the cup down, hoping that was enough. Drowsiness was trying to drag me under, even as I fought to keep my eyes open.

"They got what was coming to them," I confessed to the top of Dirge's head as I curled around him, slipping into the soft embrace of sleep.

I couldn't say how much time passed before my eyes popped open. I was sitting on the edge of my bed, wearing the same black pajama set I'd gone to sleep in, but a quick glance back showed my body still curled around a wolf. But I couldn't think too hard about the weirdness of that, because a grinning human-Dirge was sweeping me off the edge of the bed and straight into his arms.

"Hello, beautiful," he said, his cocky grin giving way to a soul-searing kiss. I resisted the urge to wrap myself around him and get a repeat dose of last night's orgasmic bliss, but only barely. Shoving at his shoulders, I created some space between us.

"Hold on, lover boy. We need to talk."

He smiled again, only half his mouth curving up in a devilish invitation. God, I wanted to taste those lips every day until I died. He was pure sin walking, and even as I knew better, my blood thrummed with heat. One look! I was pathetically easy if that was all it took.

But damn, it was a good look.

"Why don't we talk after . Wouldn't want to waste a good dream, after all." He tried to kiss me again, but I swatted him on the shoulder. He just laughed and dropped his lips to my shoulder, trying to tease the strap of my tank top to the side without me noticing.

"I'm serious. And this isn't a dream, not really."

That froze him in his tracks. He lifted his head, eyes glowing slightly with the influence of his wolf. "What do you mean?"

"I mean the Athabascan pack has a special herb blend that makes you dream walk. This is… really us. Mostly." I waved toward our bodies still on the bed, and his expression grew solemn. "I want to know why you won't shift back. "

He jerked like I'd slapped him. "But I bit you last night. If this isn't a dream…" He tipped my head gently to the side, baring the side of my neck where he'd sunk his teeth into my skin the night before. "Shit! You're marked. You're still marked." He let go of me, backing up a step with a tortured expression and raking both hands through his long black hair.

"Don't be silly. I checked when I woke up, and…" My fingers felt the evidence on my neck, tidily healed scar tissue in the shape of his bite. My flesh felt real and solid, despite the fact that I was outside my corporeal body. "What the hell?" I whispered, looking up at him in shock.

"I'm so sorry. I can't believe I— No, no. I thought it was a dream. Shay, you have to believe me. I'd never mark you without your consent if I knew—" He backed up until he hit the wall, his eyes closing in abject horror.

"Shh." I stepped into his personal space, grabbing his arms and pulling them down to my waist before he could do something truly regrettable, like rip out all that gorgeous hair. Pulling it was my self-appointed job as of yesterday.

The memory of what we'd been doing when I pulled that hair sent a bolt of liquid heat straight to my core. Damn, I was horny. But I needed to focus.

"It's okay. Neither one of us knew what was happening, and like I said, there's no real mark on me. Whatever this is…" I risked letting go of one arm so I could wave at my neck, "it's not the real deal. If I'm honest, I'm not really sure how this works, but if it lets us talk, I'm willing to try it."

He gazed sorrowfully down at me, not convinced that I wasn't upset. "It is the gravest of sins to hurt your mate. And taking that choice from you…" He shook his head, refusing to meet my eyes. "It is an injury beyond any I could ever forgive myself for."

"Okay, would you lay off?" Anger was starting to burn off the haze of lust surrounding me. "I get it. You got caught up in the moment. Whatever. Neither one of us knew this was more than a hot sex dream. I'm not mad about an accidental mark, even if it's… never mind. I'm a lot more concerned about the choice where you're refusing to shift when we're not asleep. Can we talk about that?"

I don't know if I was channeling Leigh or what, but I'd never been so sassy in all my life. Especially not with a man. I resisted the urge to slap a hand over my mouth, though. It needed to be said, and I didn't want to waste whatever time we had on him kicking himself over an accident.

His eyes sprang open, a different kind of fear filling them as he gazed down at me.

"I can't shift back, not now, not ever." He was adamant, resolve straightening his shoulders as he pushed off the wall and let me go as he began to pace in agitation.

"Ever?" The beginnings of anger ratcheted up to eleven as his words sank in. "So I'm just supposed to live essentially alone for the rest of my life? Dirge, I'm only twenty-six. I need more than a dream to hold on to for the next nine hundred years."

"I would understand." He swallowed hard, his jaw tensing before he ground out, "I would understand if you needed to take a lover."

My jaw dropped.

"You fucking bastard!" I leapt at him, my wolf enraged at the suggestion. I could barely hang on to my shift, and if we weren't in some drug-induced dream state, I'm pretty sure she'd have torn his throat out for the suggestion.

I tackled him, both of us falling to the plush, patterned rug at the foot of the bed. He didn't resist, and I landed on top of his chest, straddling his rib cage as I struggled to keep my wolf from shredding out of me.

"How could you even say that to me? You are my mate, and if you think I care so little about the mate bond that I'd take another partner while you're right here, well, you don't deserve to be at my side anymore. You can get the hell out and not come back." Granted, I was pinning his shoulders to the rug with claw-tipped fingers, so leaving was a little difficult.

"Shay. Shailene," he crooned, his hands gentle as they caressed my sides, sending tingles of anticipation and need through me.

I growled, baring my teeth as I refused to let up.

"It would destroy me, watching you with another. But if protection is all that I can offer you, I don't expect you to remain chaste."

"I don't want excuses or pretty condolences, damn you! I want an answer. Why? Tell me why." I held his gaze then, challenging him, hell— dominating him in this pose.

He sighed, the sound weary as his hands continued their slow work of stroking, soothing.

"I am old, Shay. Old enough that the darkness was starting to get to me. Drag at me. So, I went hunting for a mate. For nearly a hundred years, I traveled. Looking for dense populations of shifters, hoping to happen across my female. But I never did. My mother's second pregnancy brought me home, as childbirth takes more wolves than any war has in living memory."

My anger started to wane as his fingertips massaged the sensitive skin beneath my breasts, and as I was consumed by this piece of his history. I hadn't known he and Reed had a younger sibling.

"For a while, my family anchored me. The joy of a new pup is not small, and for years, I was content again. The darkness held at bay. But as Benedict hit his teenage years… that surge of alpha pheromones triggered my own, and it grew harder and harder to contain the need inside me."

My grip on his shoulders loosened, my claws retracting as the need to comfort Dirge took over. "I'm sorry, that must have been incredibly difficult. "

"It was. And in my desperation, I sought the lore. Who could help me find my mate? Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your perspective, I found an answer."

A chill went down my spine, and now I was clutching his shoulders for a different reason: fear.

"What did you do, Dirge?"

Sorrow painted his handsome face as he continued the tale. "I sought the Fates."

"Wait, like the Greek myth ones? They're real?"

He bobbled his head from side to side. "Yes and no. They've always existed, but the name and lore surrounding them have changed many times. The Fetya, as they're called in shifter lore, can only be reached by great personal sacrifice and from certain points on the globe. With nothing to stop me, I sought the nearest mountain. The journey was long. I took no food or water, weakening myself sufficiently to meet the requirements of personal sacrifice. By the time I had reached the top—in human form—I was on the edge of death, even for a shifter."

I worried my bottom lip between my teeth, not at all feeling warm and fuzzy about where this was going, even though he was here, solid, and very alive beneath me. Had these Fetya cursed him? Could I force them to take it back? I would climb a mountain if it meant getting him back for real.

"By the time they appeared, I wasn't sure if it was hallucination or reality. But I asked them to show me my mate. And they did."

This time, a wide smile showed me his straight, white teeth. He trailed a fingertip up between my breasts to touch my lower lip with his thumb. I shuddered, ridiculously aroused as I waited on tenterhooks for the conclusion of this story.

"You were radiant, the most stunning creature I'd ever seen. But the Fetya do not simply give visions. They give prophecies. And the vision they showed me was a nightmare." Grief made him avert his gaze, grip me more tightly to his chest .

I melted down his chest, the urge to comfort him with my body overwhelming. "It's okay, Dirge. You can tell me. I'm here," I whispered into his neck, curling my body over his as if I could protect him from the past with sheer stubbornness.

He dragged in a deep, shuddering breath as our legs intertwined. Even in his grief, his arousal was hot and hard against my thigh.

"They didn't just show me you. They showed me you on the day you die."

I froze. The day I died? They knew?

More importantly, did I want to know? I held my breath and my questions, silently urging him to continue.

"We were in a field, somewhere I'd never seen. And you were radiant, smiling. The mere sight of you took the breath from my lungs. But then everything changed. The vision grew hazy. The sky darkened, and you were falling. I shifted out of wolf form to catch you, and…"

I stroked his cheek, silently supportive.

"That's when they told me. The first day I hold you in my arms. The first day I leave my wolf behind in your presence, that is the day you are taken from this world. I saw it happen, Shay. As soon as my hands touched your skin, light burst out of you. You were consumed, taken. And all I held was your broken, lifeless body."

My hands stilled, a secondary horror washing over me. Not only was I going to die, but he would be left alone. If we were unable to complete our bond, he wouldn't be taken with me. With the darkness already dragging at him, with no mate…

He would be feral.

Forever.