17. Jessa

17

JESSA

“ T emple boy’s got some moves!”

I’m jostled as I push through the crowd. The vrakken could be heard halfway through the courtyard as soon as Nikolai stepped into the training ring.

“Those wings will give him a real advantage.”

I shouldn’t be over here. I know that. He’s kept distance between us, and after our last searing kiss – a memory that lingers with me at all times – I decided that it was best to let him. It’s clear he intends on keeping us apart, and I don’t know if I could have taken the rejection any more.

It hasn’t stopped me from wanting him though…

Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. That’s why I’m standing here in this crowd so I can drink in the sight of him shirtless and coated in sweat. Holy First, he’s hot. Otherworldly. My entire body feels like it is lit on fire as I stare at him, the way his muscles contract as he lunges forward, and those massive wings.

I want him. I want him more than I should.

Maybe that’s what pulled me to the temple at first. I was curious about the creatures I had ended up with, yes, but also, it was my way of being with Nikolai. But then, I learned of Akeldama and the First, and I became just as devoted to their god and goddess as I am to the man who won’t look me in the eye.

I’ve had to stand weeks of watching his sermons, admiring his devotion and carefully coiled strength without ever being too close to him. He’s let me work in the temple, but he shoved me with Lev, who is nice enough.

But he’s not Nikolai.

I have noticed that Nikolai typically won’t leave me alone with Lev, though. Which sparks hope in my heart that has no business being there.

It’s not even like there aren’t other vrakken here. There are. And some have even made advances toward me.

And yet…I can’t get this one out of my head.

I watch as he leaves the ring, and momentarily, his gaze sweeps over the gathered vrakken. I wonder if he could feel me watching him because he stops looking as soon as our eyes meet.

For one blissful second, it’s like it’s just the two of us. The noise, the space, the air…It all fades away until it feels like he’s right there. I want to reach out, to touch him–

And then the moment is shattered, and he turns away, jerking on his shirt and heading through the courtyard with me staring after him longingly.

After so much reflection, I’ve realized that he doesn’t believe in the human and vrakken mating. He said nearly as much to me, but his sermons gave me true insight. He thinks that The First was pure and none of us can attain that. He must think their blood has been too watered down by ours.

I can understand that, though. But that doesn’t change the fact that there are few vrakken-born. Without Making more, they would be a small race. I just need Nikolai to see he’s against the careless turning of humans, the rapid way it’s been happening.

I need him to see he’s not against me.

Because I want to be a vrakken. I want it nearly as much as I want him. I’ve been a worthless human for so long, as little as dirt in most people’s eyes. And I want to help fight the dark elves. I want to honor the First and Akeldama.

And maybe Nikolai would want me if I was a vrakken…

Shaking the thought out of my head, I slip out of the crowd. I make my way across the dusty courtyard towards the dining hall, my thoughts still swirling with images of Nikolai shirtless and glistening with sweat. I can't seem to banish the memory of his chiseled muscles flexing as he swung his blade.

I join the line for food, ladling stew and bread onto my plate absently. I find an empty table near the back and sit down, stirring my stew listlessly.

Before I can take a bite, Alina appears and plops down across from me. A massive grin is on her face – which feels like a permanent expression – as she leans forward eagerly.

"There you are! I was starting to think you'd vanished into thin air. Feels like I haven't seen you in weeks," she exclaims dramatically.

I offer her a weak smile. "Oh you know, just been busy..."

Alina snorts. "Busy making moon eyes at Nikolai is more like it." She waggles her eyebrows suggestively.

I feel my cheeks flush hot at the accusation. "What? No way, we barely know each other." I stare down at my stew, avoiding her gaze. “I just help out at the temple. I really spend most of my time with Lev anyway.”

"Mmhmm, that blush says otherwise," Alina teases. "Come on, dish! I've seen the way you two look at each other. The tension is unbearable." I start to say something but she shakes her head. “And you came to the base with him. You at least know him in some capacity.”

I swallow hard, fiddling with my spoon. I’d forgotten Alina was there the day we showed up.

I decide to switch my approach, still going with a safe answer. "I honestly have no idea what you're talking about. We're just...friends." The word tastes bitter on my tongue. I honestly don’t even know if we’re that no matter how much I want more.

Alina laughs loudly, drawing curious glances from nearby tables. "Girl, you are a terrible liar. But hey, your secret crush is safe with me." She winks conspiratorially.

I let out an exasperated huff, quickly shoveling down a few bites. "Well this has been fun but I should really get going."

I gather my dishes hastily, eager to escape. Alina calls after me in a sing-song voice, "Say hi to Nikolai for me!"

Ignoring her, I hurry outside into the fresh air. But she's right about one thing – I’m planning on going back to the temple where I know Nikolai will be. And it’s not for entirely altruistic reasons.

Even with the distance between us, being near him makes my pulse race wildly. I can't seem to banish him from my thoughts lately, no matter how hard I try.

So against my better judgement, I enter the cavernous temple, my footsteps echoing across the stone floors. The hushed space is empty save for Nikolai standing solitary before the central altar. I expected him here, but I didn’t expect him to be the only one here

He gazes down intently, focused on methodically preparing the altar for this evening's rituals. I pause in the doorway for a long moment, suddenly unsure if I should interrupt his meditative task.

The ever-present tension between us seems to crackle in the very air. After weeks of distant politeness, being alone with him makes my heart flutter nervously.

Nikolai looks up at the sound of my entrance, eyes widening slightly in surprise before his expression smooths back to impassivity and his gaze drops like it always does.

Just fucking look at me, I want to scream.

But when he does, it nearly undoes us both. Maybe it’s our saving grace that he refuses to.

"Jessa. I did not expect you so early," he rumbles, voice echoing through the silent temple. His piercing gaze flicks toward me againbriefly before returning to the altar arrangements.

I wet my dry lips before answering, willing my voice to steadiness. "I thought you could use some help getting things ready."

Nikolai gives a short nod of assent. I make my way to the altar, careful to leave ample space between us. We work in awkward silence for some time, renewing the sacred bowls of water and blood, polishing the array of mirrors and crystals laid out in intricate patterns.

I can feel Nikolai's powerful presence like a physical weight, hyper aware of his every movement as we circle the altar. Our hands inadvertently brush occasionally as we work, sending sparks skittering across my skin.

The electric tension between us seems to grow with each passing minute in forced close proximity. The unspoken words and feelings hang heavy as a thundercloud over us. I chance a glance at Nikolai and find him watching me, longing shining in his eyes for an instant before he looks away.

My heart pounds wildly at being truly alone with him for the first time in weeks, our mutual but unfulfilled desire impossible to ignore. I ache to bridge this gaping space between us, but the icy void remains, leaving me at a loss for how to thaw what lies between.

As we continue preparing for the evening rites, our hands brush with as we pass objects back and forth. Each graze sends sparks through me, the tension ratcheting impossibly higher until I can barely breathe.

We’re so close to each other now we’re having to fight not to touch. And there’s a pull begging me to give in.

I feel Nikolai's gaze burning into me and I meet his eyes. And this time he doesn’t look away. The raw desire there steals my breath away. He steps closer, hand reaching toward my face...

At the last moment, he recoils as if burned. A look of anguish crosses his face before his expression shutters. Without a word, Nikolai turns on his heel and strides from the temple, fists clenched at his sides.

I stand frozen, heart pounding wildly. The charged moment replays in my mind, imagination providing the satisfaction reality denied. I press a hand to my flushed cheek, willing my breathing to slow.

The echo of Nikolai's retreating footsteps fades, leaving me alone once more. I lean against the altar for support as I try to regain composure. But the memory of his blazing eyes lingers no matter how I try to banish it.

I know I should respect the distance he's placed between us. But the temptation grows stronger every day.

I fear my self-restraint is slipping.

And I don’t know what will happen when this tension finally breaks.