Chapter 19

Abby

An almost cathartic relief fills me that my secret is finally out. At least to Rojtar. Maybe, when he’s old enough to understand, I’ll confess to Carter along with my reasons for withholding it from him. I’d been a scared, barely seventeen-year old and my father said we would get a larger government stipend if we said Carter was his instead of mine. So I went along with it. I’m terrified my son will hate me, but it will be no less than I deserve if he does. I can only hope he’ll forgive me.

Of course, there’s still more I haven’t told Rojtar, but none of it is truly important any longer. Like the fact that the extra stipend eventually ended up being used by my father to buy drugs again. But he’s gone now and if I’m going to accept any kind of future with my…mate, I need to forgive him. If it weren’t for my dad’s mistakes and weakness against his addiction that forced us to flee Earth for Tavikh, I never would have met Rojtar.

Arthur Sanders may not have been the best father—or even a good one, really—but he tried his hardest, especially after Carter was born. In the end, he sacrificed himself to keep Carter and me safe when the Krijese attacked. For that alone, I will always miss him.

Finally, I put some distance between Rojtar and me and stare up at him. “What happens next between us?”

“Whatever you wish to happen.”

I don’t actually know. My relationship, such that it was, with Henry was the only one I’ve ever had and I can admit now that it was entirely unhealthy. He was the one who initiated intimacy between us and our time together was always brief and in secret. I’m not sure I know what a normal adult relationship looks like. Even my parents’ marriage wasn’t the most loving or the best example.

God, I feel like an idiot. I’m nearly thirty years old and feel completely out of my element. “I don’t know how to proceed. I mean, I suppose the next logical step is to…have sex. If we’re supposed to be mates, I guess.”

Rojtar cradles my jaw between his palms. “Do not think of what others expect. Not even me. Think about what you want to happen. The choice, no matter what it is, lies with you. Think only of your wants and needs as those are the most important.”

I swallow as emotions overwhelm me. In a good way, though. “I want to spend more time together. Hunting. Talking. Learning all there is to know about you. I’ve shared so much about myself and I feel like I’ve been selfish with it, since I don’t know nearly as much about you. In fact, the only thing I know is your age and that your parents are gone like mine.”

“We will spend as much time together as you wish and do all those things you spoke of.”

Shyness hits as I recall what it had been like sitting on Rojtar’s lap and what we’d been doing before the kids interrupted us. It’s been thirteen years since I’ve had sex and the last time was when I was sixteen. “I know I mentioned sex, but to be honest I’m not sure I’m there yet. Emotionally, at least. Is that okay?”

“We have the rest of our lives to spend together. There is no rush for anything. When we are both ready to become fully bonded mates in the physical sense, then it will happen naturally,” Rojtar says.

I’m glad he’s not pressuring me, but I also love the way he makes me feel when we kiss and touch. “Would it be okay if we still shared physical affection each day though? I like being close with you.”

He grins. “I enjoy the closeness with you as well. Mouth touching has become one of my favorite things to do.”

I laugh. “Mouth touching? You mean kissing?”

Rojtar cocks his head. “Kissing?”

“Yeah, like this.” I rise up on my tiptoes and brush my lips across his.

Once. Twice. On the third pass I balance myself against him with my hands on his chest and deepen the kiss. He pulls me to him and the weight of his tail wraps around my waist to hold me close. I flick my tongue out to taste and tease and Rojtar answers in kind. His tangles with mine like he’s been kissing his whole life. For someone who just learned what it is, he’s doing a damn fine job of it. Will he be as skilled at everything else? I shiver in anticipation.

Far too soon the kiss ends, and we both draw back, each of us breathless.

“That is kissing.”

“Yes, this is most definitely my new favorite thing,” Rojtar confirms with a firm nod.

I giggle at how serious he sounds. Kissing might also be my new favorite. Especially doing it with him. Every flick of his tongue against mine almost has me begging for more. I’ll most likely go to bed tonight imagining what his kisses will feel like everywhere. My cheeks grow hot at the thought and I rub my thighs together to alleviate some of the heaviness and throbbing that’s started up between them. I can’t recall the last time I’ve been this aroused. It has me rethinking my decision to go slow.

“Maybe we could go kiss and touch some more in my tent while Carter and the others are out fishing? But over the clothes stuff.” I don’t want my son walking in on anything too scandalous. It’s going to be hard thinking of him as my brother again now that I’ve revealed our true relationship to Rojtar.

“Improving my kissing and touching skills is very important,” my…mate says in a serious tone, but there’s a hint of amusement in his gaze.

I nod in agreement, just as seriously. “Oh yes. One can’t be too skilled is what I always say.”

He laces his fingers through mine and we leave the river and head toward the tent I share with Carter. “Do you have your own tent? You may have told me, but I’m sorry I don’t remember.” Maybe it would be safer to go there instead.

“I do not,” Rojtar says. “Many of us unmated males share one large dwelling. But when you are ready, I will speak with the shefir about setting up a tent for the three of us.”

A flutter of anticipation tickles my belly at the idea of moving in with him. The only people I’ve ever lived with were my dad and Carter. What will it be like to sleep beside Rojtar all night? To feel his warmth? To listen to his breathing and smell his scent? What will it be like to wake up in his arms? I try to imagine it and to my surprise it doesn’t terrify me as much as I thought it would.

We casually stroll through the village where more people now wander as we get closer to the evening meal. People glance at Rojtar and me, especially at our clasped hands. Zara heads toward the healer’s tent and we pass by her. She drops her gaze to where he and I are connected and then lifts it to meet mine. A grin splits her lips and she winks.

“How are you two crazy kids doing?”

My cheeks heat. “We’re doing just fine, thanks.”

Rojtar moves closer and his tail circles my waist. “Greetings, Zara.”

“Glad to see you’re getting along.” She wiggles her fingers in a little wave and ducks into the healer’s tent.

I groan good-naturedly.

“Is all well, keeshla ?” Rojtar gently squeezes my hand.

“You realize everyone in the village is going to know we’re together before the end of the day, right? Hell, probably by the time we make it to the evening meal.”

He comes to a stop, bringing me with him, and glances down. “Is that a bad thing?”

Seeing his uncertainty and maybe even a bit of hurt feelings, I palm his jaw. “No, not at all. I just sort of wanted to keep you to myself a bit longer. You know before they all bombard us. I guess I’m still not ready for all the attention and people talking to me.”

Rojtar relaxes beneath my touch. “The tribespeople will be incredibly happy for us and no doubt want to celebrate a new mated couple, but I will make sure to let the shefira know that we would like to enjoy taking time for ourselves for now. She spread the news to the entire village along with the announcement of the acceptance of our mate bond. The tribe will respect our wishes until we are ready to fully join them.”

“Really?”

One side of Rojtar’s mouth curls up. “Truly. I believe you will find only kindness and acceptance amongst the Tavikhi people.”

Finally, I nod and we keep moving toward my tent. It still doesn’t feel possible that they’ll actually leave us alone just because we ask them to, but I also have to remember I’m neither back on Earth nor in the human settlement.

Rojtar comes to a stop in front of my dwelling, and now that we’re here, nerves strike. Intentional kissing and touching is different than the spontaneity of it. The impulsive need to brush my lips across his. But we’re here and knowing that we’re walking inside to…make out has me overthinking. Rojtar tugs me close and threads his fingers together across my lower back.

“We do not have to do anything you do not wish to.”

I forgot how easily he has been able to discern my emotions.

“Remember, we have an entire lifetime and beyond together.”

Could there be a kinder, more perfect guy than Rojtar? As hard as I’ve been resisting, he’s slowly been chiseling away at the wall around my heart without me even realizing how much of it has fallen. What’ll happen when it collapses entirely? He truly is making me fall for him despite all the fighting against it I’ve been doing. Warnings continue to whisper in my ear, but more and more all I want to do is ignore them.

“Let’s go inside.” I swing aside the door flap and lead Rojtar into my private sanctum.

Although I share the space with Carter, it feels smaller with the Tavikhi in it. His large frame takes up so much room I’m surprised I don’t feel crowded. He stands near the fire pit in the center and studies the tent I call home. I’m keenly aware of the two piles of dirty clothes by Carter’s and my pallets I keep saying I’m going to wash and haven’t gotten around to yet.

“Sorry it’s so messy.” I’m not sure why I’m apologizing. It’s not like I expected company when I woke up this morning.

Rojtar turns to face me with a smile. “I share a tent with four other unmated males who spend more time hunting or training than they do anything else. You would be horrified if you were to step within our domain. A small amount of untidiness is nothing at all.”

I chuckle at the image he’s put in my head. All I can picture is the chaos of five single guys living together. My father wasn’t the neatest person so to have his messiness times five relieves almost all the self-consciousness I felt when we first walked in here.

“Thank you for making me feel better.” I close the distance between us and wrap my arms around Rojtar’s waist.

A sense of safety and security envelops me and I wonder why I’ve been so nervous. This is the man who’s done nothing but put me at ease and is making me learn to trust again. A feat I didn’t believe possible. Until him.