Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

After sprinting to the training facility in four-inch Prada heels so fast I was invisible to the human eye, I groaned in relief. Jane was fine. Felix and Augustus, not so much.

“Well, holy shit on a pointy stick,” Martha shouted with glee, doing a jig that made her left boob fall out of her tube top. “Just look at what that nasty old bag has done!”

I looked, and then I looked again. Then, one more time. I had to keep averting my eyes since Jane had lost her top in the melee that had apparently gone down within the last few minutes. Her knockers were literally touching her belly button. She was hooting and hollering as she danced spastically around the armless and legless Vamps who had challenged her. Felix and Augustus were clearly in shock as they stared in horror at Jane’s naked gyrations.

It was difficult to figure out how she’d accomplished dismembering the guys since her aim was hideous, but stranger things had happened. For the life of me, I couldn’t think of anything, but I was just happy to see that Jane still had her head attached.

The training facilities at the Cressida House were top-notch, including a gym with every workout machine ever invented. There was also a boxing ring and a three-mile circular indoor running track. A large empty area in the center dominated most of the cavernous room and was covered in mats for sparring. Right now, it was covered in blood and detached limbs. On the north wall was an observation deck about forty feet off the ground. On the outside of the running track were bleachers for watching people get their undead asses handed to them. I’d spent many hours as a newly turned Vamp in this room, learning how to defend myself. It had been bloody, painful and necessary.

One building over was a shooting range, not that we used guns much at all. Vampyres were more likely to use swords, daggers, katanas and throwing stars. However, Martha and Jane were fond of grenades. The fact that they carried them up their asses was something I avoided thinking about. It was shocking they hadn’t blown themselves up yet. Granted, as long as they didn’t accidentally decapitate themselves, everything would regenerate. The physics was difficult to comprehend. I had my fingers crossed that they wouldn’t end up just heads, and I’d have to see the regeneration of a full body in action.

Again, it was the small victories.

“Would someone like to explain what’s going on here?” I demanded as I approached Jane and the stumps of Felix and Augustus.

“I’d be fuckin’ happy to explain, Ladybumps LeFunBags!” Jane announced, doing what I thought could be the Running Man but might have been a standing seizure.

I snapped my fingers and dressed her in a parka. Talking to a topless Jane wasn’t good for digestion. Eyeing the Vamps on the floor, I noticed they were grinning. Martha had been correct. This was weird.

“I can explain,” Augustus grunted as his legs and arms began to regrow.

I was amazed at how quickly he and Felix were growing back their limbs. I shouldn’t have been surprised. They were well over a thousand years old.

“Hang on,” I said, pulling Jane away as the dummies on the floor sprouted new appendages. Once we were out of earshot, I grilled her. “Were they trying to kill you for real?”

“Hell to the no!” Jane assured me, removing her parka.

I put it right back on her. “Then what was going on here?”

“Welp,” Jane said, pulling the parka off again. “Appears that Augustus got himself into a little situation and needed to learn how to fight a lady without killin’ her.”

“Seein’ as how you’re a hooker, not a lady, not sure how that was gonna work out,” Martha commented as she joined us.

Jane punched her in the head and sent her flying. Martha wasn’t having any of that and came running at Jane like a freight train on a collision course to Hell. The imbeciles went at it like crazed honey badgers. Foul language was flying, and blood was everywhere. I walked away. I’d learned fast that it was better to let the old bags get it out of their systems. Plus, the situation didn’t seem like a sexist attack by Felix and Augustus. However, I was wildly curious as to why Augustus needed to know how to fight a lady…

Only one way to find out.

“Wait, what?” I asked, squinting in disbelief at the newly regenerated Felix and Augustus.

The guys were sitting in my office on my floral peach armchairs. After offering each of them a bottle of blood since they’d lost so much in the smackdown, I listened. The story was as bizarre as they were. I wasn’t sure if they were pulling my leg or if they were batshit nuts. I was leaning toward batshit.

We’d left Martha and Jane beating the daylights out of each other in the training facility after the guys were no longer stumps. The muscled Vamps each stood around six foot five with blond hair they’d taken to wearing in man-buns lately. Felix, who had bright blue eyes and charmingly crooked teeth, had twisted his do up and secured it with chopsticks. His cohort Augustus, who had hazel eyes and a sweet smattering of freckles on his nose and cheeks, had wound his blond locks up with what appeared to be tin foil. It wasn’t their best look, but the fact that they were wearing jeans and shirts as opposed to loincloths was a big improvement. Hygiene had been an issue in the beginning as well, but after a round of explosive electrocutions, they’d grudgingly agreed to shower daily. Unfortunately, Felix smelled somewhat like a middle school boys’ locker room. He’d gotten far too chummy with AXE body spray. One would think if a person couldn’t breathe, they couldn’t smell. Sadly, that wasn’t true.

As with most Vamps, the guys were ridiculously handsome, and they looked far better with their appendages. It had taken all of four minutes for their legs and arms to grow back. I was impressed. However, right now, I was confused.

“So,” Augustus said, looking sheepish. “I have an imaginary girlfriend, and it’s gotten me into a pistol.”

“Pickle,” I corrected him. The guys were trying to incorporate modern slang into their vocabularies, and it wasn’t going well.

“What’s a pickle?” he asked, perplexed.

“It’s a cucumber preserved in brine!” Felix shouted, pointing at his phone. “I looked it up!”

“Mmkay,” I said, trying not to laugh. To be honest, slang would be hard for anyone who had jumped into this century after having been basically frozen for a thousand years. The English language was filled with idioms and homonyms. Heck, I got lost occasionally. “That’s right, but it can also mean getting yourself into a tricky set of circumstances.”

“Yes! Exactly!” Augustus said. “My imaginary girlfriend has gotten me into a pickle.”

Felix was still looking at his phone. “Pickle has other meanings as well,” he announced with a sly grin. “And I’d like to go on record and state that Augustus is in a pickle with his imaginary girlfriend because of his pants pickle.”

I really didn’t get paid enough to deal with this.

Pressing the bridge of my nose, I willed myself to have patience. While they’d been driving me nuts, I reminded myself that they were trying hard not to be gaping assholes. The duo was the last of the two hundred warriors to graduate to living on their own, but they were getting closer… maybe.

“Tell me about this imaginary girlfriend,” I suggested.

“Of course,” Augustus replied. “As you recommended, I got a job.”

“You did?” I asked. I hadn’t recommended anything of the sort. Where in the hell had they gotten a job? Hopefully, Ethan had hired them for something within the compound.

“I did!” he told me, standing up and taking a bow.

Felix clapped.

“Great. Keep talking,” I instructed.

“Yes, yes,” Augustus went on. “I took a job in the little town not far from here.”

I came close to screaming. “With humans?” While the guys understood that Vamps no longer completely drained humans to eat, I didn’t quite trust Augustus and Felix on their own yet.

“No,” Felix chimed in. “I believe they’re Demons. I’m working there as well. However, my pickle is fine.”

Color me seriously confused. “Demons are running a business in town?” That didn’t sound good. “What kind of business?”

“It’s quite interesting,” Felix informed me. “We pick up the phone and call people.”

“And?” I pressed.

“We sell them machines that suck the muck out of your car horn,” Augustus explained.

“You mean carpet?”

“Oh my goodness!” Felix shrieked, slapping himself in the forehead and knocking his man-bun dangerously to the left. “I think Astrid is correct. It’s carpet, not car horns. No wonder we haven’t sold any varooms! We’ve given out false information.”

I held up my hands and didn’t even bother to tell them that varooms were vacuums. That would be too much for the boys to handle at the moment. “Let’s skip over that part and get to the imaginary girlfriend part, please.”

“As you wish,” Augustus replied. “It appears I’ve gotten into some appalling nonsense through no fault of my own.”

Felix gave him a look and received a smack in the head for his effort. His bun was no longer a bun.

“As I was saying,” Augustus continued. “There’s a very aggressive woman at the varoom office. Her name is Poosh. She has persisted in asking me out on dates.”

“She’s also grabbed his buttocks on multiple occasions,” Felix volunteered. “And once Poosh went for his bollocks.”

“Correct,” Augustus confirmed. “However, when I threatened decapitation, she backed off.”

“Did you report her for sexual harassment?” I questioned. The query was kind of stupid, considering they worked with Demons, but one never knew. Not to mention, he’d threatened to remove her head.

“Define sexual harassment,” Felix said.

“Umm… no one can touch your… umm… private parts unless you want them to. And it goes both ways. You can’t kiss or grab a woman or man unless they say it’s okay. If that’s happening to you at work, there should be someone who can help you.”

“With my bollocks?” Augustus asked.

“Sure,” I said with only the slightest of winces. “They are there to ahh… protect your bollocks from unwanted grabbing.”

“It’s a bollocks, buttocks and bosom patrol?” Felix inquired.

“That’s one way to put it. I wouldn’t put it that way, but you can,” I admitted, wishing I’d passed this problem over to Ethan. Somehow, I’d gotten stuck with guiding most of the acclimation into society, and it was burning up my brain cells. However, this was far easier than dealing with the Vamps, who helped run the North American Dominion.

“The answer is no,” Felix said. “We didn’t know of this bollocks, buttocks and bosom patrol. The next time we shall seek them out to protect our cocks and testiculo.”

“All of this is so confusing,” Augustus muttered. “Back in the day, you just threw a pretty wench over your shoulder, took her back to your cave, and then made the beast with two butts.”

“Backs,” I corrected him before I could stop myself.

“What?” he asked, perplexed.

“Nothing. Forget I said it. However, we’re not back in the day anymore, and you’ll end up in the dungeon for centuries if you pull shit like that,” I warned him.

Augustus nodded. “Good to know. So, as I said, this Poosh woman refuses to give up. I have taken my lessons from you to heart, and instead of dismembering her, I wanted to be polite.”

I was kind of terrified to hear his definition of polite, but I didn’t have a choice.

“I kindly told her that I have a girlfriend named Lynda. I do not have a girlfriend.”

“I can confirm he doesn’t have a girlfriend,” Felix said. “And, sadly, neither do I.”

“Didn’t that solve the problem?” I asked.

“One might think so, but alas, no.” Augustus was quite put out about this Poosh gal. “The woman grew bolder. Poosh began to fart with me.”

I couldn’t swallow my laugh. I tried. I failed. “I think you mean flirt.”

“Possibly,” Augustus admitted. “What’s the difference?”

Felix answered before I did. “Flirt is when you demonstrate attraction for someone. And fart is when you emit gas from the anus.” Felix’s brow wrinkled in thought. “Flirt is correct. Since we’re technically dead, we have no bodily functions. Therefore, farting is impossible. Although, it does sound amusing. And just in case anyone might be wondering,” he overshared, looking at his phone, “other terms for fart include airborne toxic event, cutting the cheese, and chocolate air freshener.”

“We were not wondering,” I said firmly. Felix was about to lose his phone privileges. “So, telling Poosh about Lynda didn’t work?” I couldn’t believe I was taking any of this seriously.

“Lynda is imaginary,” Augustus reminded me.

“Got that. Keep talking.”

“As Poosh grew bolder, my falsehoods grew bolder as well,” he explained. “I created quite the life for Lynda and me. Her flowing red locks give me boners, we like to hunt squirrels to keep as house pets, and we adore running naked after midnight.”

“On the beach near the salty ocean under a full moon,” Felix added.

“Correct!” Augustus said, giving his idiot buddy a nod of gratitude for reminding him of his Lynda lies. “The others in the varoom shop overheard, and suddenly everyone knew about Lynda, her red locks, my boners and her prowess with running barefoot in the sand. As I don’t commune with my coworkers after hours, there is no way to verify that Lynda doesn’t exist.”

If I could drink alcohol, now would have been an excellent time to get drunk.

“Tell Astrid the next part,” Felix insisted. “It’s just awful. Augustus cheated on Lynda!”

I didn’t bother to point out that Lynda didn’t actually exist. It had already been established.

Augustus had a difficult time making eye contact during the next section of what was fast becoming a sordid tale. “Eventually, my cock got the better of me, and I fornicated with Poosh in the breakroom latrine, cheating on my beloved Lynda. I feel terrible. I should not have betrayed my true love, especially with Poosh. The Demon is rude, crude and very loud.”

“Not his type at all,” Felix let me know. “He has a thing for redheads. Poosh has dark hair.”

I nodded. If I spoke, I’d be both rude and crude. I waited for more…. Because, with imbeciles, there was always more. I wasn’t disappointed.

Augustus looked like he might cry. “Because of my unending love for Lynda and my growing fear of the insane Poosh, I pretended as if I was having an affair on my lovely Lynda. That ensured that I could only see Poosh very briefly for fornication in the latrine and nothing more.”

“Oh my God,” I muttered, shaking my head. This was like a pornographic soap opera on steroids.

Augustus was so appalled with himself for cheating on Lynda, who didn’t exist, that he was unable to continue the story. Much to my horror, I was now deeply invested. I didn’t have to worry. Felix took over.

“Soooooo, Poosh has been pushing for more of a commitment from my comrade, Augustus, but he told her he would never leave Lynda. Poosh doesn’t like that and has threatened to expose the affair to Lynda.”

Through his whimpers, Augustus grabbed the steering wheel of this wreck of a story and drove it over the cliff. “Finding Lynda will be difficult for obvious reasons. So Poosh is searching for someone who doesn’t exist. It’s driving her mad. The Demon has become terrifying. I am furious with my cock for bedding her in the latrine.”

It was hard, but I didn’t laugh. I wanted to, badly. But I didn’t. “Okay, I’m not seeing the problem here. If she can’t find Lynda, it’s moot. There’s no one to expose your affair to.”

“I am an idiot!” Augustus cried out.

I didn’t disagree.

“I have besmirched Lynda’s honor, and I’m slightly petrified that Poosh will castrate me in my sleep. This is no way to live. I’m considering moving to a small remote island or coming up with an even bigger lie to cover my prior falsehoods. What do you think I should do, Astrid? And don’t tell me to break up with Lynda. I will not do it.”

“I wouldn’t be so bold as to tell you to end your fictional romance with Lynda,” I promised. “However, I will tell you that you might want to rethink working at the varoom shop. It doesn’t sound like a healthy atmosphere for you or Felix.”

Both of the Vamps were perplexed.

“I’m not a quitter,” Augustus announced. “Once I start something, I see it through.”

“Like dating Lynda,” Felix added.

“Exactly!” he said, patting his buddy on the back. “Lynda is my life!”

“Alrighty then,” I said. “Here’s the deal. We’re not back in the day anymore. If your workplace is somewhere that’s not good for your mental state or the longevity of your bollox, you can get another job.”

“How do you do that?” Felix inquired.

“You give your notice and resign,” I explained, hoping we were getting to the end of the conversation. “Then I’ll help you find a new job.”

The warriors glanced at each other with concern. Augustus and Felix grabbed their phones, stood up, and turned their backs to me. They began to text each other to have a little private conversation. It would have worked if the dolts weren’t using the speech-to-text method. They were whispering, but I could hear every word. Vampyre hearing was outstanding. Dumb as a box of hair came to mind as I stared at their backs.

“My man,” Augustus whispered. “I think Astrid is correct. She’s very smart for being a woman. I say we regurgitate our positions immediately and work as Astrid’s secretaries.”

“I quite agree,” Felix said softly. “Although I must say, I find our fearless leader a bit scary.”

“Do not admit that aloud!” Augustus hissed. “If you state that you are weaker than a woman, your tool will shrink until there is nothing left.”

Felix gave his comrade a what-the-fuck look. Augustus bobbed his head up and down. In a panic, Felix unzipped his pants and checked his tool. His groan of relief that it was still there made me roll my eyes so hard they should have gotten stuck in the back of my head. They were not going to be my secretaries. Ever.

“Guys,” I said. “I have things to do and places to be. Go resign, and then we’ll discuss your new employment opportunities later.”

“We have an idea of what we’d like to do,” Felix shared with wide eyes and a dumb grin.

“Yep. That’s not gonna work,” I told him as I pushed the huge men out of my office.

“Really?” Augustus asked with disappointment written all over his doofus’s face.

“Really. Really. Really,” I said, closing the door and locking them out.

Today felt like a marathon that had only just started. Good luck to me to make it to the finish line.