Chapter 16

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

The second floor had been as empty as the first. Both had the same layout as the third floor and, luckily, neither held more macabre surprises. Martha’s fun buttons were singing Happy Birthday, and Jane’s had assured us that we’d need lots of sunscreen for the next week. It was a bizarre sensation to be so delighted that their saggy knockers were talking, but it meant that we were getting closer to Ethan and Lizard. I had no idea if we’d find the Dhampir and the scum who’d created it, but I knew in my gut that we’d find Lizard and Ethan. That was all that mattered to me. We’d deal with the rest as it came.

“I’m going to guess that there’s more than one Dhampir,” Poosh said as we stared at the empty and cavernous first floor.

“Why?” I asked.

“There were too many women for there to be only one monster.”

Most likely she was correct. However, something was clawing at my mind and sitting seriously wrong. “Why have we been able to walk through this building with no pushback? It doesn’t make any sense. For doing something so illegal there’s barely any security—no guards, no cameras. I don’t get it. And how in the Hell were they able to trap Ethan and Lizard—two of the deadliest fighters in existence?”

“How can any sense be made of this?” Augustus asked. “I’ve fought bloody wars and have never seen anything as disgusting as what we witnessed on the third floor.”

“The building is glamoured,” Felix reminded us. “There would be no pushback from the humans. It’s honestly brilliant. No one in our world would think to look in a top-secret human compound for Vampyres involved in immoral and inhumane practices. From the stories I found online, the human scientists experiment on aliens here. While that might be untrue, I would think that humans would be very interested in experimenting on a being who lives forever. From what I’ve observed on the housewife’s TV show, they’re obsessed with the Fountain of Youth. This should be no man’s land for Vamps… which is why it’s diabolically genius.”

“Fuck,” I muttered. “It feels like a trap. Or, that they left and went to another location.”

“Bottom line is this, motherfuckers,” Martha stated flatly. “My fun buttons tell me that mine and Jane’s well-endowed mate is in that there bunker with Prince Ethan, who probably has a big pecker too, but Titties LaBumps will have to confirm that. If the bad guys are here, I’d be happy to shove grenades up their asses and blow their buttholes to Kingdom Come, but I’m gettin’ my man out of here. And if anyone messed with him or hurt one sexy hair on either of his heads—meanin’ the upper and lower, they’re gonna die.”

“I’m in,” Poosh announced. “And here’s my advice…. Never do crazy crap alone when your friends are willing to do it with you.” She glanced around and smiled shyly at us. “Now that I have real friends and a well-hung boyfriend, I feel very motivated to peel skin, rip out entrails and beat the shit out of imbeciles! Life and violent dismemberment are much more fun when doing them with my buddies!”

“Mmkay, that’s certainly one way to put it,” I said with a wince. Poosh was a lunatic, and I was happy she was on our side. I did notice Augustus point to his boner, but let it slide. They were a match made in Hell. “Maybe Charlton, Petro, Stephano and Josephine are so confident that they’ve gotten sloppy.”

“Pride is a shitty way to fall,” Martha remarked. “And I’m gonna make sure it’s fuckin’ painful.”

“It’s also painful to be ripped limb from limb and beaten with your appendages while having your head torn off,” Poosh added with a thumbs up. “I’m good at that.”

I didn’t comment. If that was her method, she was welcome to go for it.

“The weather will be hot and sunny today! Make sure you drink a nice tall glass of blood to get your day started right!” Jane’s boob announced.

“Blood?” I questioned, surprised. “Is the weather gal a Vamp?”

Jane scratched her mostly bald head in confusion. “I don’t rightly know,” she admitted. “First time I’ve ever heard my fun buttons refer to blood.”

“I think I understand. The nips have given us another clue!” Tracy said, ushering us over to a darkened corner. “I believe the Vampyres are expecting us, and that’s why there’s no security. They want to be found.”

“While I tend to agree with your assessment, I don’t get how that relates to the nice, tall glass of blood recommended by Jane’s nip,” I told her.

The tiny Vamp grinned. “I’d suggest we use every advantage we have and take them by surprise. A narcissist rarely believes anyone can get anything over on them. We can show them differently.”

“I’m listening,” I told her.

Tracy continued. “I believe the building has been so easy to traverse to put us at ease—let our guard down, so to speak.”

I nodded. It was beginning to look like Tracy’s logic and Jane and Martha’s fun buttons were going to be the heroes of this mission. I was good with that. The less death and destruction the better. I wasn’t counting on that, but one could always hope.

“They expect us to go in thinking we’re safe,” Tracy said.

“That would be incredibly stupid,” I countered. “While they’re repulsive people, I don’t think they’re stupid. It would be short-sighted to underestimate them.”

“I quite agree,” Tracy said. “But my guess is that they feel they have the upper hand. I say we take that away.”

“How?” Felix asked, intrigued.

“I cloak us,” she replied. “We go in without them knowing we’re there.”

I squinted at her. “You said you’d have to wait a while before you could cloak again.”

Tracy nodded her little head. “That’s true, but there’s a way to speed up the process.”

I waited for the answer. I had a feeling it was going to be alarming.

“I can drink a nice, tall glass of blood,” she replied, looking a little greenish.

I scrunched my nose. “Umm… Ethan said that you’re allergic to blood.”

“Holy fuckbuckets!” Jane grunted, patting Tracy on the back. “That’s gotta suck. No pun intended.”

“It’s not real pleasant,” Tracy explained. “But I’m up for it if you all can handle it.”

I stared at her. She stared right back. The part about us handling it was unsettling. What the hell happened when she drank blood?

“You wanna expand on that statement?” I asked warily.

“It’s probably best if I don’t,” she replied with a giggle. “Sometimes it’s better to go in blind. Anticipation isn’t always one’s friend.”

While I couldn’t imagine what we were about to witness, we didn’t have much of a choice. It was a brilliant tactic to go in cloaked. We could suss out the situation and proceed without any of us dying. Hopefully.

“We don’t have a glass,” I pointed out. It occurred to me that she might extend her fangs and drink from us. That was terrifying, considering her fangs were the size of her entire body. Maybe that was what we would have to handle .

“Not to worry,” she assured me. “If everyone would open up a small vein, I can take a little sip off each of you. That should do the trick. Just cover me while my body accepts the blood. I’m not quite in control.”

“Will do,” Jane said, saluting her friend.

“Wait,” I said, concerned. “Is this going to hurt you?”

Tracy took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “No pain. No gain, pumpkin.”

“You don’t have to do this,” I told her. “I’m not convinced they’re still here.”

Tracy shook her head and raised a tattooed brow. “My motto is always be prepared. Never get caught with your pants down if you’re not wearing nice panties and nothing worth anything is easy. Don’t you worry about me, sweetie pie! I’ve been around for a very long time and intend to keep it that way. Time’s wasting. Let’s do this!”

Martha yanked a knife from her belt and slit her entire palm open. Her blood spewed everywhere. She laughed. The woman was nuts. She would heal, but typically, she made a big mess. One by one, we sliced our hands. One by one, we fed Tracy our blood.

Nothing happened… until it did. It was a good thing she hadn’t explained what would go down. None of us would have believed it.

Tracy gave us a constipated-looking smile, turned a shade of white that made her look deceased, and then burped a few times before her head began to spin. Literally. All the way around, like in the freaking Exorcist . The horrified glances we exchanged would have been hilarious if we weren’t watching someone basically implode before our eyes. The cracking of her neck bones and tearing of skin made my stomach roil. I’d never seen anything close to this. Unsure if her head was about to fly off her little body, both Felix and Augustus jogged back and forth like wide receivers with their hands out to catch it. I backed up as her eyes bulged and distended, hanging only by a tendon. Tracy convulsed and gagged like she was about to die. All six of us were in shock.

“What the actual fuck?” Jane choked out.

I couldn’t have agreed more. It was awful and looked incredibly painful. Tracy was taking a big one for the team, and none of us could ever unsee it.

The small Vampyre dropped to her knees and began to crawl around like a dog with her head still spinning. She yelped and whined. Poosh, who clearly had a death wish, got down on her knees next to Tracy and patted her back to comfort her.

“No worries,” Poosh assured us. “I have two Hell hounds back in Hell!”

“Boner,” Augustus announced.

I punched him in the head. It was necessary.

When Tracy went to bite Poosh, she just booped her nose and told her no. For some insane reason, the little Vamp obeyed. She then flopped to the ground and panted like she’d run a marathon. Vamps didn’t breathe, but as far as I knew, our heads didn’t spin like tops either.

It took five more minutes for Tracy’s head to stop spinning. It felt like a year. Slowly, her skin and bones mended, her color came back, and her eyes popped back into the sockets. No one said a word as Tracy straightened her clothes and checked to make sure her face was arranged correctly.

“Dude,” I finally said. “That was… umm… something…”

She giggled. “Sorry about that, honey bunches,” she told the shell-shocked group. “I’ve been told it’s rather unsettling.”

“Underfuckingstatement,” Jane said with a whistle of appreciation. “I always knew you were a badass, but that was next fuckin’ level!”

“Word,” Martha agreed. “I’ve never seen a noggin spin like that. It was fuckin’ gross and fabulous.”

Augustus and Felix exchanged a glance. They both turned their backs on us to have a private text conversation. As per usual, it wasn’t private at all. The dummies didn’t seem to understand that speech-to-text was the same as talking out loud.

“My man,” Felix said. “We might have been wrong about women our entire lives. They’re not the weaker sex.”

“Shockingly, I agree,” Augustus said, awestruck. “What I’m worried about is my rod disappearing if we’re to embrace this new theory.”

Both idiots unzipped and checked on their junk.

“So far, so good,” Felix announced. “I say we welcome the change and worry about our bollox another time.”

“Plus, if it disappears it will grow back bigger!” Augustus reminded his idiotic cohort.

“That’s exciting,” Poosh gushed.

“Quite,” Augustus answered her, not realizing we were hearing everything.

Ethan had been correct when he’d said the boys had two brain cells and wasn’t sure if they’d ever met.

And speaking of Ethan…

“It’s time to go,” I told the group. “Tracy, do we need to stay close to you to be cloaked?”

She shook her head. “No, with this much blood in me, I can pick and choose who to cloak. We can be separated and still invisible.”

“Will we be able to see each other if we’re spread out?”

Tracy gave me a thumbs up. “Absolutely. I’m that good, baby cakes!”

“And when I want you to drop it?”

“Just say the word,” she assured me.

That was outstanding news. However, communication was an issue. I internally groaned as I realized what I was about to do, but Ethan meant more to me than a notebook that had been nestled near Martha’s ass. But I would try something else first. The butt-book would be the last resort.

“Here’s the deal,” I said. “I’m going to try to communicate telepathically with you guys. Tell me if it works.”

I concentrated and thought a command. “Do not under any circumstance get near a Dhampir.”

“I heard the word dance,” Jane said. Everyone else nodded they’d heard the same.

“It was circumstance,” I told her, frustrated. Clearly, some kind of spell had been used to quash communication.

“Only heard dance,” Jane repeated.

“Shit,” I muttered, going for option number two—the last resort. “Martha do you still have the notebook and pen?”

“Yeppers,” she said, reaching into her panties and pulling them out.

I closed my eyes for a second. “Can I verify something?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted the answer, but I also wasn’t sure that I didn’t.

“Sure thing, Nubbins McHootyland,” Martha said.

“Umm… did the notebook and pen ride down here up your ass or just near it?” I winced with every word that left my lips.

Martha cackled. “Near it,” she confirmed. “Wasn’t room for it up my poop chute with all them grenades up there.”

Honestly, that somehow made it slightly less gross. I took the ass-y items from her. “This is how we’ll communicate. Get close to me when I wave you over. I’ll write down the directives until we want to be out in the open. Clear?”

“Excellent war plan,” Augustus said, saluting me. “Normally, following the orders of a woman would shrink my bollox to the size of a peanut, but I’m a new and modern man! Although, I’m fine with Poosh bossing me around in the latrine.” He gave her a thumbs up. She giggled uncontrollably. Again, they were going to end up offing each other. I was sure of it. Augustus wasn’t finished pontificating… “I’m amazed to learn that there is so much more to admire about a woman than just her bosom. It is very hip and cold to be into equal tights.”

“Cool, not cold. And it’s rights, not tights,” I corrected him, trying not to laugh. The fact that I could laugh with what was happening was nuts, but I was with the right people. As insane as everyone was, they helped me stay calm and focused.

“Thank you,” Augustus said, bowing to me. “And my final thought on the subject is that from this day forward, I shall beat anyone senseless who doesn’t see women as suppository beings.”

I made a face.

“What?” he asked, perplexed. “Did I get something wrong?”

“Superior not suppository,” I told him.

“Oh my!” Felix said, glancing at his phone with a pinched expression. “Definitely not suppository. A suppository is a cylindrical shaped object used in medical preparation to be inserted into the anus.”

“Holy shite,” Augustus lamented. “My apologies! I would never compare a woman to a butt plug. Again, my deepest apology.”

“Accepted,” I said, scanning the room for the door to the bunker. “Tracy, do your voodoo.”

“With pleasure,” she replied, waving her stubby fingers in a circular motion. A dusting of purple sparkles floated down over us. “Done.”

“Door’s right there,” I said, pointing to the far side of the room. “We go in silent and low. Not sure what we’re going to see, but we’re using the buddy system. Martha and Jane will stick together. Poosh, stay with Augustus and Felix. Tracy, you’re with me. We’ll follow the directions of Martha and Jane’s nips.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I grinned. We were definitely not conventional.

“I’ll turn down the volume a bit,” Jane said, twisting her fun button so hard we all gasped in phantom pain.

When Martha followed suit, I had to look away. My own fun buttons couldn’t take it.

When I was sure they were done, I made eye contact with each of my people. “I’d like to take the prisoners alive, however, if they put up resistance, off their traitorous asses. Are we ready?”

“We are!” my little army whispered in unison.

As if on cue, Martha’s fun button went into a rousing, yet quieter, rendition of Happy Birthday followed by the chorus of Lord Help Me Jesus. I would never be able to listen to that song again without seeing her saggy boob. Jane’s boob, not to be left out, let us know that there was a storm coming.

That would turn out to be a very accurate forecast.

“I’m coming for you, Ethan,” I whispered as we quickly made our way to the door that led to what we’d been searching for.

I would get Ethan and Lizard out of this shit hole. I just had no clue how I would do it.

There was only one way to find out, and we were on our way to do just that.