Chapter 28
J azz pushed a roasted tomato around her plate with her fork, trying to look engaged in the conversation she was supposed to be involved in. Maggie had texted Jazz as she and Liam were walking out of the museum to invite her to brunch with her and Nadia. And, after seeing how well Liam had handled India, Jazz had figured she could try to be friendly with Nadia.
She'd spent minimal time with Nadia since she and Maggie had become friends, mostly around Maggie's wedding, when Jazz had been too busy with her maid of honor duties to get to know her much. That hadn't stopped her from building up a picture of Nadia in her head, a picture that Nadia, in person, was tearing to shreds.
Why did she have to be so fucking nice?
She'd greeted Maggie and Jazz with hugs and given Jazz three compliments before they'd even sat down. And not one of them was a simple, "I like your shoes!" It was things like, "Oh wow, Jazz, that necklace really brings out the gold in your eyes, it's gorgeous," and, "You have the most infectious laugh. I love it."
Jazz really fucking hated being wrong. But Nadia being so nice didn't make her feel any less threatened. Instead, she was more convinced than ever that she was going to lose her best friend to someone who was clearly a better fit for her.
After Friday night, she'd planned to take the weekend off from drinking, which had meant telling Liam's moms they were seeing each other sober. Eliza and Danisha hadn't seemed surprised in the slightest, and they'd played it pretty cool, but Eliza had given her more hugs than usual, and Danisha had given her the biggest slice of the apple crumble cake she'd made. Jazz took that as approval on their parts.
She longingly eyed the servers passing with trays of mimosas. Brunch without a mimosa was sacrilege, but she couldn't trust herself not to be an asshole to Nadia with so much as a drop of alcohol in her system. Instead, she grumpily sipped her hazelnut iced mocha.
"So, Jazz," Nadia began, giving her a warm smile. "You must be super busy at work right now. Maggie was telling me about the pay discrepancy case you all have been working on?"
"Yeah, it's been a lot, but we have a ton of good people on the case, so we're getting there."
"That's great. I know Maggie used to work like really long days when she was doing your job, and trust me, I know what that's like."
"I have a pretty good work-life balance," Jazz replied. " Cal doesn't like us to take work home and I have an amazing assistant, so it's not so bad."
Nadia raised her brows and whistled. "Good for you, girl. I could do with taking a leaf out of your book. I swear I don't remember the last time I just sat down for some me time."
"Give yourself some credit, Nad. You have twin toddlers and three jobs. You're killing it," Maggie said, patting Nadia on the hand.
"It'll be worth it when the kids are all grown up and I have my empire," Nadia said with a wink. "Do you want kids, Jazz?"
Jazz stilled, her fork halfway to her mouth, and dropped the same tomato back onto her plate. "One day, yeah. Probably not for a while, though."
"You're doing the right thing waiting until you're totally ready. I love my kids, but we had them young because I was convinced I could do it all: the kids, the husband, the career. And sure, I'm doing it, but at what cost? If I could go back in time, I'd do it like you."
Jazz was sure Nadia's statement was supposed to be positive, but all it did was make her wonder what the hell she'd been doing with herself for the last ten years. Nadia was three years younger than her and had all that.
She pushed back from the table, her chair legs dragging across the floor. "I'll be back in a second. I have to use the restroom."
Concern flashed over Maggie's face, but Jazz didn't give her the chance to follow as she crossed the restaurant and barricaded herself in a stall. She sat down, letting her head drop into her hands.
She was only thirty. But wasn't that what she'd been telling herself for the past decade?
She was only twenty; she didn't have to know what she wanted to do with the rest of her life.
She was only twenty-two; didn't everyone struggle to figure shit out after graduation?
She was only twenty-four; it wasn't a big deal that she kept bouncing around from job to job; she had time to figure it out.
She was only twenty-six; just because half of her high school classmates were settling down and having babies, didn't mean she had to worry about it yet.
She was only twenty-eight; just because Maggie had found her happily ever after didn't mean she was going to forget Jazz.
She was only thirty; she was going to feel ready for it all at some point. Right?
That's what she'd been waiting for—that moment where everything clicked into place, when she woke up one day and knew she was ready to settle down, to find the person she wanted to be with, to become a mom.
But what if she couldn't? What if she was too late? She'd long suspected having kids might not be as easy as making the decision and coming off birth control. There was obviously something wrong, given how bad her periods were. But she kept telling herself she'd cross that bridge when she came to it. Just like she'd told herself she'd paint a picture, make herself a dress, finish a goddamn bracelet. And she hadn't done any of it.
She was thirty years old, and she had absolutely nothing to show for it.
Jazz sucked it in a shaky breath, and when she blew it out, tears fell with it. She wrapped her arms around her middle, as if she could hold her heart in her chest. Her breath hitched as she forced oxygen into her lungs. A blurry film crept over her vision as her skin tingled, the tips of her fingers going numb.
Her phone buzzed from where she'd dropped it on the floor and she jumped, reaching for it and wiping her tears away as they continued to spill down her cheeks.
Can I pick you up from brunch or do you have plans with Maggie after? I have a surprise for you. Miss you :)
She read the text over, and again, and again, in Liam's voice, trying to soothe her racing heart. Before she could stop herself, she hit the call button and held the phone up to her ear.
"Hey, darling."
"Liam."
A sharp intake of breath sounded down the phone. "What's wrong?"
"I just… I just needed to hear your voice," she sobbed. It wasn't working. Why wasn't it working?
"Where are you? What's going on?"
"I'm in the restroom. I don't know what's wrong. I just can't… I started panicking and I couldn't breathe and I?—"
"Hey, hey, it's okay," Liam said, his voice low and slow. "You're having a panic attack. It's okay, we can work through it. Everything is going to be just fine. Take a deep breath with me, Jasmine." Liam took a deep, loud breath and Jazz copied him. "And another one."
Gradually, as she followed along, listening to Liam's calm breathing and comforting murmurs, she stopped shaking so much. "I think… I think it's passed," she said, lifting the hem of her shirt to wipe her face.
"Take it easy. Do you want me to call Maggie?—"
"I don't want her to see me like this. I'll be fine." That was the last thing she needed. She couldn't talk about this with Maggie. That wasn't an option.
She sighed, pulling her phone away to check the time. She'd been away from the table for too long. "Liam."
"Yeah?"
"Can you do me a favor and pretend you don't hear me peeing while we're on the phone? I don't want to hang up yet."
"Of course," he said gently. "Did something happen? Do you want to talk about it?"
Jazz sandwiched the phone between her ear and shoulder as she stood up enough to pull up her skirt and push down her underwear. "It's a long story. And I don't think I can talk about it and stay calm."
"That's okay. We can talk later, or whenever you're ready. You want me to come pick you up? I can be there in fifteen—maybe even ten if traffic is okay. "
"No, I… I have to go back out there. I'll be fine." She wiped, flushed, and flinched as she stepped out of the stall and took in her reflection above the sink. The paper towels were rough, but they were better than nothing. She wet one with cold water and dabbed below her eyes, trying to de-puff.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I feel a little better. Thank you. I needed this."
"Anytime, darling. You know I'm always here."
Fuck, she didn't deserve him. She took a deep breath, pushing that worry aside for now. She couldn't handle something else. "I don't have plans with Maggie after brunch, so you can pick me up if you still want to."
"Good. You're going to love what I have planned."
"Any hints?"
"Hmm… Well, we'll have to stop by the pet store before we go."
Jazz gasped. "We're picking up Bray? I thought the shelter said we couldn't get him until tomorrow."
"They called an hour ago to say we can pick him up today. In a couple of hours, we're going to be parents," he teased, and despite how knotted her insides were, Jazz smiled.
"You're going to be a dad," she corrected. "I'm a bonus mom at best."
"It won't be that when he likes you better than me. I'll pick you up in an hour?"
"Yeah. Thank you. For all of this."
"Nothing to thank me for. Call me if you need me to come pick you up early, okay? "
"I promise. See you soon."
She hung up and took a deep breath, her heart still racing, before heading back into the restaurant. There was nothing she could do about her eyes. God, she was tired.
Maggie was sitting alone, her tongue poking out as she read through something on her phone. She looked up as Jazz approached, her eyes widening. "Are you okay? You were gone a while. Shit, have you been crying?"
"Hmm? Oh, no, don't worry," Jazz waved her away. "I had an eyelash in my eye that I couldn't get out and Liam called to talk about Bray. That's why I took so long. We're getting him from the shelter today, so he's going to pick me up after brunch." Maggie didn't look convinced, so Jazz quickly changed the subject. "Where's Nadia?"
"She ran outside to take a client call."
"On a Sunday?"
"No rest for the wicked. Hey, I was thinking and we should go out next weekend."
Jazz eyed her warily. "You, me, and Nadia?" She didn't need a repeat of today.
"No, just you and me. We can go to a bar, just like old times."
"That sounds great," Jazz replied, her stomach calming a little. Maybe this was what they needed to get back to how things were. Liam was right; everything was going to be just fine.
" D oes he look smaller in person, or is it just me?"
"He definitely looks smaller," Liam agreed. "The shelter said he was smaller than the other puppies in the litter, but he should catch up."
Bray was sitting on the rug in front of the couch, looking up at them both with an expectant expression. Jazz had expected a little anxiety from the tiny pup, but he didn't seem fazed in the slightest to have left the only home he'd ever known.
"What do we do with him?" she asked Liam, and he shrugged, looking as uncertain as she did.
"I don't know. Play with him? Feed him? Love him?"
Jazz clasped her hands and leaned forward, looking Bray in his dark brown eyes. "Do you want some toys?" He tilted his head to the left. "Food?" And the right. "Cuddles?"
"Ruff."
Well, then. "Alright." Jazz reached down and picked him up gently with one hand. She settled him on her shoulder and snuggled into Liam, so Bray could sniff both of their faces. He did just that and, apparently happy with what he smelled, licked both of their cheeks.
"Oh my God," Jazz whispered, trying not to scare him as she smiled at Liam. "I think he likes us."
Liam was watching Bray with so much love in his eyes that Jazz's heart skipped a beat. "I think I would die for him," he said, offering a finger to the puppy. Bray rubbed his head on Liam's finger and Jazz practically melted.
"Same." She scratched the top of his head while Bray rubbed his face on Liam's. "Do you love your daddy?" she cooed, and both Liam and Bray turned to her and scowled. How Bray knew the D word was off limits, she had no idea. She held up her hands. "Sorry. Do you love your papa?" she tried and Bray barked his agreement, spinning around to boop her nose with his.
"Papa it is," Liam chuckled. "And that makes you mama."
"I'm not his mom," Jazz said, but the words were muffled as Bray stepped right in front of her face and sat down on her chest.
"Try telling him that."
Bray gave her literal puppy dog eyes, and she sighed. "Fine. I'm your mama."
Liam wound his arm around her shoulders and leaned his head against hers, both of them staring down at Bray. "I think he's happy to be home. We make a cute little family."
Bray agreed with a little chirp, then promptly lay his head down and started snoring. Liam picked up his Kindle turning his attention to his book like what he'd just said was no big deal. Family . Jazz looked between both of them, her heart damn near beating out of her chest. Is that was this was? A family she actually felt comfortable in?
Something warm spread through her, but it was no match for the panic that always seemed to be right at her fingertips these days.