16. STERLING

We explored both the ancient ruins of the city, and the present day city around it. I took a lot of pictures for Fallon of him and Henry. I was jealous not to be in those pictures too, but this was his vacation, and I was a footnote on it, the person behind the camera.

We also visited a cenote which Ximena explained as being a natural water pit in the ground, and while the one we saw on full view to the public, as well as the ability to go inside it, it was said to be very different from the one the temple itself had been built on. Ximena joked that was probably because there weren't human skeletons in this one.

This trip was a tour and I hadn't been told about the cenote, otherwise I would've mentioned for them to bring swimming shorts. It was better they didn't because it gave us time to do some tequila tasting. But right before that, we sat outside with a view of Kukulkan and ate our sandwiches. There were places to eat, and I'd severely downgraded the experiences by not taking them to a cafe, but I was only doing what I'd been told. Being a rep wasn't my job.

At a white building where tequila was produced locally, sitting surrounded by dry, sandy land, we were taken to a small area. Ximena translated for the group as I joined in on the tasting. It was a sip and spit situation, which I didn't mind, I shouldn't have been drinking.

Fallon was beside me. "I'm swallowing the ones that taste good," he whispered loudly.

"But they all taste good," I said.

He snorted into a giggle. "I know."

It seemed most of the group was drinking the shots rather than doing as instructed. I didn't blame them either, because it's exactly what I would have done as well.

After Ximena had attempted to teach the differences between the tequilas they were trying, she asked if people wanted to purchase any of the bottles they'd tried today. All hands were raised, mine included. I wasn't going to miss out on the opportunity to grab a bottle of tequila made right here.

We were all exhausted after that, walking so much and being in the sun for all that time had us all yawning until we were back at the minibus and on our way back to the resort.

Fallon slept on my shoulder, wrapping his arms around mine. I didn't sleep at all, I was far too busy soaking in every single second I was spending with him on me. I really liked him, and it was going to hurt a lot when he had to go.

When we arrived back, the sky turning dusky orange, I didn't want to wake Fallon up. Henry had no issues with it, rocking him and telling him to wake up.

He immediately looked at me, big eyes blinking away the sleep that had caught on his lashes. "What time is it?"

"Seven," I said.

"Time for dinner," Henry said, yawning. "Or bed. I don't know yet."

"What are you doing?" he asked, looking up at me.

"I have to go see how Carla is doing, and then I'm working until midnight," I told him.

"Do you—" he looked around. People were leaving the minibus, and the driver was waiting for us to get off.

I knew where he was going with it, and I really wanted to accept the offer, but he was tired, and I didn't want him to stay up all night just for me to come over and then fall asleep, useless in his bed right beside him.

"You don't have to," he said, slowly making his way off the minibus.

"We wouldn't be able to do anything," I said. "I'm shattered already."

Standing outside the minibus with Henry watching, Fallon sighed.

"I mean, that's ok. We don't have to do anything. I don't mind just sleeping," he said. "And cuddling," he whispered.

His pink cap was in my bag, I pulled it out and placed it on his head, making sure to tease it on. "If you want, but I'm also up early," I told him.

"Well, you said to us that first morning, if we wanted anything, to ask you and you'd get it for us," he said, not a direct quote of what I'd said to him and many other guests at the resort, but close enough. "And I want you—you to spend the night." He'd almost said something entirely different.

"Then I'll be over at midnight," I told him. "But if you're asleep, I'll go. I don't want to wake you."

Henry came in and grabbed Fallon's arm. "You heard him, you got your answer," he said. "Thank you for the trip."

I heard them talking as they went inside the resort. I stayed outside, puffing my cheeks out and kicking rocks. I didn't know where this was going, and I couldn't see a world where we weren't together after the end of this. As I stared up the sky and saw the early evening stars start to shine, I craved a cigarette, something to take the edge off. Although I did have newly acquired tequila.

Carla was standing outside near reception when I walked in.

"Good evening, sir," she said, in what she would consider her posh accent. "How may I help you?"

"I have tequila," I said.

"Oh, and are you sharing?"

"Only if you come into the office within the next minute."

We headed into the office together. I'd nearly forgotten that I was in this pink polo shirt. Carla pointed it out to me. I was rarely ever in it, only on days when I needed to do laundry, or for people not to think of me as the manager.

"Go on," she said, presenting two shot glasses. They still had rum residue in them. "Pour already. I want to know all about your day."

"He slept on my arm," I said, my cheeks aching as I smiled about it. "It was amazing. I'm not sure how the other guests found it, but I was just there for him."

"Obviously," she said, taking the bottle and pouring the shots herself. "Oh. This is the good stuff." She sniffed at it. "No lima, no sal, no problema."

I clinked shot glass with her. It went down so smooth, oddly a little syrupy too. I wasn't complaining about it. "I'm calling my sister tomorrow," I told her.

"Why?"

"She has a place in New Jersey. Well, she has two. Her husband—well, it doesn't matter."

"You're serious, you're going back?"

I shrugged. At this point, it was just a thought, and I didn't want the entire reason of going back home to hinge on a boy I'd just met. "I'm just going to ask her if the apartment is available, and see if the universe has plans for me."

"Does he know?" Carla asked, pouring me a second shot.

"No, and I'm not going to tell him," I said. "I don't want it to add unnecessary stress or pressure to what we've got going on."

"And what have you got going on?"

I took the shot. I didn't have an answer for myself, let alone an answer for her as well.

"I told him I'd go and spend the night with him once I've finished here for the night," I said. "So, that might happen."

"Go to him now," she said. "I'll stay on until midnight or whatever."

"No."

"Yes," she said.

"No, I can't. I don't want to push myself on him."

We went back and forth like that, taking shots as if it was forcing us to avoid certain topics. Carla avoiding going home, and me avoiding my feelings. We were both lucky it was a slow night, otherwise the guests would've had two drunk managers to deal with.

The entire bottle was empty before we knew it, and the fear settled in my stomach. I couldn't go to Fallon drunk and smelling of tequila. So, I did what I knew best, and that was a cold shower and to rinse my mouth twice with minty mouthwash.

Just before I was to go call on him, he phoned me.

He was giggling down the phone at me, slurring his words. He must've got through some of that tequila as well. And suddenly, I didn't feel so self-conscious of the way my body reacted to stress. I hung up after telling him I was coming over.

In a t-shirt and shorts, sprayed with cologne, I was ready. I didn't arrive empty handed, grabbing a couple pads of paper for him from the supply cupboard. It felt like a really shitty bouquet, holding the pads fanned out as I knocked on the villa door and waited for an answer.

They were both giggling behind the door, which in turn, made me giggle. My heart raced as I waited for them to answer. And then the door opened. Fallon and Henry were both in their onesies, sitting on the floor, they raced each other on the polished floor, bum shuffling around.

"I didn't think you'd be awake," I said, trying to recall the time. It was around ten, or definitely eleven.Fallon hadn't even noticed the pads fanned out in my hands.

He shuffled to me, touched my leg. "Tag," he said. "You've got to get me now."

I closed the door behind myself and chased after him. He was easy to get since I wasn't on my bum. And that's when he noticed the present I'd brought with me. He squealed, pulling all of them into his lap.

"More paper!" Henry shouted.

In the middle of the living room floor, they were having a tea party. The plastic tea pot and tea cups were out. The teddies were sitting in a circle, and half of the tequila was gone, presumably inside the little cups, which doubled as shots for a human.

I sat on the sofa and watched for a moment, a yawn sneaking up in the back of my mouth. "I thought you'd both be in bed by now."

"Nope, we had fun juice," Fallon said, on his knees, he shuffled around to grab a small tea cup with the clear tequila. "Try some."

It was rude to refuse a drink. I shotted it back. It was deliciously sweet and citrussy. "How much have you had?"

"Like this much!" he gestured with his arms wide.

"No!" Henry shouted. "Like this much." He also gestured by opening his arms wide, but I couldn't tell the different between the two of them.

"You smell so good, Daddy," Fallon said, taking my hand and sniffing it. "Look cookies!"

"I bet you taste like a cookie."

He giggled. "Well, you'll have to come and try."

I knew they were flirting words, but I was not in any position to get an erection. The tequila this time wasn't going to let me. After a couple of the tea cup shots, we went to the bedroom and I tried to stifle a yawn as I sat on the edge of his bed.

"I'm tired too," he said, sitting beside me. He cuddled at my arm and also yawned. "You want to get in bed?"

"I thought you wanted some fun," I said.

He looked up at me and smiled. "I think the most fun we can have right now is getting in bed with each other and cuddling."

I couldn't have said it better myself. It was the whole reason I'd come over. After all the nights we'd spent together, I feel like he'd finally worn me out. My body sometimes felt like it was older than it was. I couldn't keep up with someone in their twenties, even if I was desperate to.

Even though we were both in bed, cuddling, neither of us could sleep. We had a case of drunken mumbles forming a conversation.

"Sometimes, I wonder what life is," he said. "I mean, is life really just existing without meaning?"

"What do you think the meaning of life is?" I asked, stroking the side of his face as I was the big spoon, wrapped around him.

"I think it's to have as much fun as possible," he said. "I just want to exist without the pressure of existing."

Drunks words were sober thoughts, and his sober thoughts seemed heavy. "I always tell myself, one more day," I said, kissing his cheek. "It's always served me right."

"But I don't know what each day holds," he sighed, heavy from his chest.

We'd briefly spoke about how he went through jobs fast, and this seemed like another thought in that vein. I could understand why he was feeling empty about the idea of each day, especially when he didn't have any structure. But he was on vacation, he didn't need structure, he needed to enjoy the sun and explore the country he was in.

"I promise, it's all going to be fine," I told him. I knew I couldn't promise him that, but I wanted to. "The world isn't going anywhere, you don't have to waste your life doing something you hate. Don't feel ashamed for trying out new things. You don't know what you like until you try it."

By the time I finished talking and stroking him, he was sleeping, letting out little snores.

I knew I'd also been talking to myself. I'd trapped myself here at this resort, working every day and ignoring the world. But Fallon had shown me life again, and I knew I should try to find my bliss again, wherever that was.