Chapter 24

24

JODI

I ’d been waiting all day to get a chance to talk to Ally just the two of us. It had been a busy Saturday morning, and that meant our lunch break ended up getting pushed much later than it usually did. It left me feeling on edge again, but for a completely different reason than I had been a few weeks before when I knew my brother was wandering the vineyard. And I needed to talk about it with someone.

It had been balled up inside my chest for the last couple of days and holding it in had become exhausting and stressful. I needed to let it out, and Ally was the only one I felt like I could talk to about it. She had become my best friend since coming to work at the vineyard. I appreciated the closeness and finally having someone I felt like I could really trust and depend on again.

But I couldn’t forget who she still was. The fiancé of one of the men who owned the vineyard where I worked. Technically one of my bosses. The near-sister-in-law of the man I was involved with. At least, who I thought I was involved with. And that was where it was getting complicated.

I knew talking about it with her could make it even more complicated if she reacted badly, but I just couldn’t keep it in. Ally and I ordered a few plates of the new appetizers to share and settled at one of the tables to relax for a little while before an evening service packed with reservations.

At first, I was very aware of Derek still walking around and knew I couldn’t say anything while there was the possibility of him wandering up. So, I chatted with her about nothingness to fill the time. We talked about the vineyard and that morning’s work, then about some of her projects at home and the plans she and Noah were making for vacations. Finally, Derek dipped into Alex’s office with him, and I knew I had the chance.

“That sounds great,” I said about the extended mountain trip they were thinking about. “The two of you are so sweet together.”

“And how about you and Derek?” she asked, taking the bait I’d offered up to guide the conversation where I wanted it to go. “How are things between the two of you?”

“Well, that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Her face dropped. “Did something happen? What did he do? Oh, no. I knew he was going to say or do something stupid, and it was going to ruin everything. You are so perfect. For him, for the vineyard, for everything. I knew that dummy was going to manage to throw it all away because of his mouth.”

I shook my head, caught somewhere between the anxiety and slightly sick feeling in my stomach and wanting to laugh at her immediate reaction to the situation.

“No. We are still doing just fine. He hasn’t said or done anything stupid. At least, not yet,” I said.

Her shoulders relaxed, and she let out a sigh of relief as she scooped up another of the delicious shrimp nachos we were working our way through.

“Thank goodness. I was about to be really angry with him.” She popped the nacho in her mouth, then seemed to process what I said. “Wait. What do you mean ‘not yet’?”

“I missed my period,” I said.

There was probably some sort of transition I could have employed there. Maybe something to fit in that space that would have been a gentler lead-in to the revelation. But I couldn’t find any words to make one, and what I really needed to say just tumbled out when I opened my mouth. It was awkward, but at least it was out there now.

Ally stared at me from across the table. She’d reached for another nacho but stopped halfway, and now her hand was hovering over the plate, stuck in her shock.

“Seriously?” she finally asked. “Are you pregnant?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know for sure. I haven’t taken a test or anything. Maybe it’s just stress or something.”

“Maybe. But maybe not. You need to take a test. It’s best to just find out the truth as fast as you can, then figure out what you’re going to do after that. You can’t just wait around not knowing. That’s going to make it so much worse,” she said.

Ally spoke as if it came from experience, and I nodded.

“I know. You’re right. I’m just so worried. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about it. And what if it’s positive? What do I do then?” I asked.

“You tell Derek,” she said.

“That’s exactly what I’m worried about,” I told her. “How would I tell him something like that? I have no idea how he would react. I hate to even say this because of everything that’s been happening between us, but I really don’t know him all that well. At least, not well enough to know how he would react. We’ve never even talked about children. I don’t know if he wants any or if he would think it was terrible.”

“Then maybe that’s something you should approach with him,” Ally said. “That might help you get through taking the test.”

I shook my head, poking at the remaining nachos with the one in my hand. “I can’t do that. I’ve got to know before I say anything to him. That would be even more awkward if I started talking about babies or told him I’d missed my period and then it turned out negative. If this is just a false alarm, I want to be able to move forward without having made a big deal out of it.”

“That’s probably the right choice,” Ally said. “You need to do what you feel.”

Just then, Derek came out of the office, so I didn’t respond. He didn’t come over and talk to us, and I noticed a strange look on his face I couldn’t really read. I watched him for a few seconds before realizing Ally was talking to me again.

“Hmmm?” I asked.

“You’re still coming to family dinner tomorrow night, right?” she asked.

Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about it. She and Noah invited me to come to the dinner the brothers and their families all had together on Sunday nights, and I agreed. But with the thought of the potential baby running through my head and trying to figure out what I was going to tell Derek, the plans slipped my mind.

“I’m not sure,” I answered.

“Come on,” she said. “You’ve got to come. It will help you get your mind off everything, and it will be good for you to spend time with us. Besides, if you don’t come, Derek will think something is wrong.”

“Okay,” I said, nodding. “I’ll come.”

Ally smiled. “Good. And don’t worry. Just take this one step at a time. You’ll figure it out.”

I nodded again as I looked over at Derek. The odd look was still on his face, and it stayed with him for the rest of the day. That evening it was awkward enough I almost went back to the spare bed in the office just to give him some space, but that turned out to not be necessary. Whatever was bothering Derek, he shook it off long enough to sweet-talk me to bed.

As we lay there all curled up together, I wanted to ask him what was going on. I felt pushed aside with him obviously keeping something from me, but at the same time, I knew I was being hypocritical. It wasn’t like there wasn’t something bothering me, too.

He didn’t seem to notice, and the next day, a busy Sunday brunch and dinner with his family kept us from having any sort of real conversation. If he was still upset about something or if he thought I might be, he didn’t mention it. In the middle of spending the evening with the family, Ally approached me and tugged me to the side to ask if I’d taken the test yet. When I told her I hadn’t, she said she figured that was what I was going to say and slipped me a nondescript bag with a test in it.

That bag was now sitting in the spare bathroom. I hadn’t taken it yet, and every time I started to walk in there, I stopped myself. I needed to know the truth. I had to before I said anything to Derek. But I was nervous about how it was all going to unfold.

I never missed my period. Even when I was under the most stress of my life. Even without the little stick to confirm it, I was sure I was pregnant. But like I told Ally, I didn’t know Derek well enough yet to know what was going to happen when I told him.

But I wanted to know him that well. That was the hardest part about the situation. If things just felt casual between us, or I wasn’t grappling with any real feelings toward him, it seemed everything would be clearer. Maybe not easier, but less confusing and frightening. We had been living this half-life as a couple, but I wanted it to be real. I wanted to know everything about him and let him get to know me. I wanted us to be a family.

For the first time in a year, I wanted to stop running, to try to build a real life. No matter whether my parents found me or not.

That night, I cuddled up against Derek and let him hold me close. I swore to myself I would take the test in the morning, then find a time for us to talk. We would figure it out. One way or another.