Chapter 43

Forty-Three

SARA

I tried to call him—amillion times. The phone stopped ringing after a while. It went straight to voicemail.

He shut me out.

I left him messages, asking, begging him to please call me back. I cried hysterically, trying to explain it was all a big misunderstanding. I didn’t know why I said the things I said. I told him I loved him and wouldn’t be able to go on without him.

Oh, God, I sounded so desperate.

At the time, I was.

I never thought I’d lower myself so miserably as to beg for forgiveness. That probably wasn’t what Jen meant for me to do when she told me to seek him out. But I was so consumed by despair, I was willing to do anything to get him to call me back.

By the following Friday, I was at my wits end. Still at work and staring at my phone, I silently prayed for his call or even a text. Any hope of him calling me back began to dissolve into thin air. Panic bubbled inside my chest. Was I really going to lose the man I loved because of dance? My life was falling apart all over again because of a bad decision, because dance seemed to cloud my judgment. This had to be a sign.

Accepting my dismal reality was the easiest way to get to the place where I was no longer hurting, but somehow it didn’t work. I wanted Tom and I wanted to dance.

I refused to give up on both.

Things couldn’t end like this. Tom needed to hear me out. I tried calling one last time, but it rang once then an automated voice stated the mailbox was full and couldn’t accept any more messages. My heart sank into the empty pit of my stomach.

Now what?

That night, I actually wished he’d pull one of his unexpected visits. I stood and walked up to my window, longing to find him in the crowd, walking toward my building. I shook my head at my nonsense. What was I gonna do, sit at my desk all night and keep praying Tom would miraculously change his mind and come looking for me?

I yawned and rubbed my eyes. Getting sleep the last few nights had been a task. Even though my body pleaded for rest, my mind could not find peace. I’d been up until the early dawn every night since the incident. It was taking a toll on my body and my sanity as well. As I continued to look for a man that was not going to show, a knock at my door drew my attention. “Come in.”

The knob turned and Alexei poked his head in. “Working late?”

“Probably gonna head home soon,” I replied as I sat back down on my chair.

“It’s seven. Don’t stay too late.”

We paused to look at each other for a brief moment. We both knew there was unfinished business between us, but neither one of us was willing to breach the topic. I wasn’t ready to talk to him about what happened. At least not until I’d had a chance to talk to Tom.

As he turned to leave, I leaned down on my desk and rested my head on my arms, stalling.

It frightened me to go home and stare at four walls, watching as the minutes ticked down, waiting for a call that would never come, until it got so late—or early—sleep would finally beat me.

I can’t do this anymore.

Tom was not going to end things like this. He had to hear me out. He owed me that much. With resolve, I pushed off my desk, grabbed my things, and hurried home. Rain pelleted the city, as if Mother Nature knew how badly my heart was aching. As soon as I arrived at my apartment, I changed from my soggy clothes into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, rummaged through some old items, and pulled out pictures, newspaper clippings, dance school memorabilia, and a DVD of my favorite movie.

Before heading out the door, I went to the freezer and a pulled out the Margherita pizza I had ordered from Thomasina’s before the blow up with Tom. He’d told me they could deliver a frozen pie anywhere in the country overnight. I’d wanted to surprise him that weekend since we’d talked about staying in and watching movies.

Throwing everything into a box, I ran out the door, jumped into my Jeep, and drove to Jersey, the rain falling even harder.

I must have been beyond delusional thinking the measly peace offering was going to do much, but I had run out of options. My guy wasn’t taking my calls, and I was pretty much done waiting. I stopped at a grocery store nearby and picked up some popcorn and a box of candy just in case the pizza wasn’t enough.

Did I think all this stuff would win him over? Not really.

But I had to try.

I had to do something.

I arrived at his place shortly after nine and parked a block away. The rain hadn’t let up and I had to run with my box of memories under one arm and the pizza in the other. As I arrived, dripping wet, I told the doorman I was there to visit Tom, but when I walked toward the elevators, he asked me to come back to the front desk.

He eyed me and my pie suspiciously. “Mr. Wright is not expecting any pizza.”

I smiled. “I’m not delivering the pizza. I’m his girlfriend.”

The doorman grinned, mirthless, trying to be polite, but his gesture teetered on rude. “Mr. Wright is not expecting any visitors.”

“Please, call him and let him know I’m here.”

“Mr. Wright left clear instructions with the front desk that he does not want to be disturbed. By anybody. I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

“Listen…” I paused to look at his name badge, “Derrick, I’m sure you are simply doing your job, and I don’t blame you for trying to send me away, but I’m not going anywhere. Buzz Mr. Wright and tell him his girlfriend, Sara, is here.”

“I don’t care who you are. Mr. Wright does not want to be bothered. By anybody. That includes crazy women holding pizza boxes who claim to be his girlfriend.”

I lurched back at his comment. “Claim? Listen, buddy, if you think Tom is going to flip because you buzz him to let him know I’m here, what do you think he is going to do when he finds out you refused to let his girlfriend upstairs?”

Derrick stared, unflinching, not buying my ruse.

“Fine,” I said as I pulled out my cellphone and pretended to look through my contacts.

“What are you doing?” Derrick asked, his stoic expression melting into a frown.

“Texting Tom. I’ll make sure to tell him to thank you for ruining his surprise.”

“No, don’t!” Derick must have weighed his options and caved. “I’m not letting you go upstairs until he says okay, though.” He picked up the phone and dialed Tom’s unit. “Mr. Wright? Sorry to bother you,” Derrick began. “I know, sir, and I’m extremely sorry. I would not bother you if I didn’t think it was extremely important. I’m afraid we have a situation in the lobby. In the interest of not making a scene, I was hoping you could help me. There is a young lady who says she is here to see you…I know, sir. I am quite aware of your instructions.” Derrick eyed me as he spoke. I could tell he was getting an earful from Tom.

“Tell him it’s a damsel in distress,” I whispered at him.

Derrick stared at me with wide eyes.

“Tell him. Please. I’m his damsel,” my voice cracked with dread, thinking Tom would actually send me away.

A glimpse of sympathy crossed Derrick’s gaze. “Mr. Wright, she says…she says she’s a damsel in distress.” He was hesitant as he spoke. Perhaps fearful and embarrassed at sounding stupid.

Then there was silence.

Derrick put the phone down. “Mr. Wright is on his way down. He didn’t sound too thrilled to hear about you, by the way.”

“Thanks. I owe you.”

Derrick looked worried. “Thanks to you, I’ll probably be delivering pizzas soon.”

I tried to give him a warm smile, but my heart beat a million miles a minute as soon as the elevator pinged. I walked over as the doors glided open.

Tom leaned against the back of the elevator, arms folded tightly across his chest. He wore a pair of dark gray sweat pants and a white T-shirt. Despite his haggard look, he was still breathtaking. Blood-shot eyes and a week-old scruffy beard told me he’d been miserable, too.

He pressed the stop button on the elevator, but remained inside. He had no intention of joining me in the lobby. “I didn’t call you back for a reason,” he said dryly. “I thought you’d be smart enough to take a hint.” His voice was devoid of the velvet that usually washed over me every time he spoke. The words were biting and cold, nails puncturing my flesh.

My heart bled. But I had to stay strong. “I…deserve that. I know.”

“Then why are you here, Sara? When I said it was over, I meant it.”

“Look, I know I screwed up. But you need to know the truth.”

“I don’t have time for this.” He went to press the button on the elevator, intending to leave me in the lobby without giving me a chance to explain.

I stuck my arm out and stopped the doors from closing. I didn’t think my heart could ache much more. I was wrong. How could he be so harsh after being so warm? Trying to ignore the sound of my heart breaking, I continued. “Once, I had the opportunity to leave you behind, to leave us. But I chose to stay. Because I cared about you and I was not ready to give up on the only thing that mattered to me in a long time. You wanted me to listen and I did. Now, I need you to listen, but I know I can’t make you. So, if you really want me out of your life forever, then tell me now. You said once you’d never lie to me. Look me in the eyes, baby. Tell me you don’t feel anything for me anymore. That the love you had for me is gone.”

He looked away in silence.

My heart lost its last drop of blood. The dead look in his eyes confirmed my fears.

“Okay,” I said, resigning to the bitter truth spoken by his silence. “I hear you.” I pushed the soggy pizza into his arms, plopped the popcorn on top of the box, followed by the candy, and finally, the movie. “These were meant to be a peace offering. I guess…I thought everything we shared was enough for you to at least give me a chance to explain. I was wrong. I don’t care what you do with them. Eat the pizza, chuck the popcorn down the chute, or give them all to Derrick. I don’t care. I just can’t take any of it back with me.”

Turning from him, I rushed to the exit and pushed through the large revolving door and into the rain, praying to God the self-imploding despair pressing on my chest would cease, because this time, I would not be able to survive the searing pain coiled around my heart. I headed back toward my car, hoping the rain could wash away my sorrow.

It didn’t.

“Sara, wait,” Tom shouted after me.

I swung around. “What, Tom? You made it very clear you no longer feel anything for me. I can’t hear you say it anymore.”

He rushed to where I stood and cupped my face in his strong hands, rain soaking his hair and dripping down his brow. “You think this is what I wanted for us? You think it didn’t tear my heart out to leave you there alone in that studio? You think my love for you could really end so easily?”

Words escaped me. I didn’t know what to say. I simply stared at him in total confusion.

“You still need me to prove to you that I love you?” He crashed his lips into mine, taking me up in his arms as the rain continued to soak us. He kissed me hard and demanding, as if he wanted to tattoo himself on my lips. Roping my arms around his neck, I answered him with an equally fevered kiss, needing him to know how badly I’d ached thinking what we had was over.

When we finally pulled away from each other, our breaths steamed around us. He pressed his forehead against mine. “Don’t you ever doubt how much I love you.”

“I don’t understand,” I said pulling back, pointing back to his building. “What happened in there…the things you said…”

“I’ve been falling apart, Sara. Not having you in my life was like a piece of me was torn away.”

“Then why didn’t you let me explain?”

“Pride. Anger. You have no idea what seeing you in Alexei’s arms did to me. I wasn’t jealous of him. I was jealous that he knew a side of you I didn’t. Baby, you…you looked amazing. You dancing—it was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen. But it hurt me so deeply you hadn’t shared it with me, that you’d chosen to lie, to keep that part of your life hidden. I didn’t know how to react other than to close myself off.” He lowered his chin.

I shivered in the cold rain. “I was angry at myself for keeping it a secret, for not confiding in you sooner. But I guess, I was scared you’d leave me once you learned the truth.”

He caressed my cheek. “Baby, why would I leave you?”

“Because it’s a part of my life I’m not proud of.” My tears mixed with the rain as the image of my mother’s lifeless form flashed in front of me.

“We all have ghosts we want to keep buried, but I never want you to feel like you need to hide them from me.” He took my hand and placed it over his heart. “I will always be your safe place. I need you to believe that.”

Roping my arms around his neck, I let him pick me up in a hug so tight, it felt like we were melding together. “What’s in the box?” he asked.

“Everything,” I said in a whimper, as he lowered me back down.

“Hey,” he intoned softly. “No more tears, okay? I’m ready to listen. Let’s get back inside and dry up, then you can show me what you brought.”

We arrived at the entrance to his building, looking like soaked cats. Before we pushed through the revolving door, he looked at me once more and lowered his lips to mine again. This time, it wasn’t an ardent kiss filled with passion and desire, but one laden with warmth and forgiveness.