Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

Lu

I could hear Noah's boots scuffing along the pavement, but I kept my gaze firmly on my shoes.

"Stop pushing and pushing."

Tears welled in my eyes as he put more distance between us—as he hurried to get away from me and my fucked-up family.

"Forcing this isn't going to make it any better."

I blinked and my vision cleared until more moisture clambered to take its place.

Noah was right. I was guilty of pushing and pushing to get my way. I'd forced him into friendship by pretending my car was in the shop. He hadn't wanted anything to do with me when we first met. But I'd been selfish in wanting to get to know him. I thought I knew what was best for Noah, desperate to offer him friendship. I'd done whatever I could to paint Cozy Creek in the best light. I bent over backward to force my family into something I so desperately wanted. Even Cody thought I was incapable of giving up on Noah when he'd pushed me away after our first kiss. My friend had been right. I'd broken days later and texted Noah an opening that he hadn't taken. I was consistently strong-arming people into doing what I wanted. Never giving them room to breathe.

I was manipulative. No better than Ginny. And now we had the unbelievable connection of dating the same guy—hurting the same guy.

Noah was no longer visible on the roadside when I finally raised my head. He'd escaped and hadn't taken me with him. Even now, I itched to reach for my phone and call a ride for him. I didn't want him to be alone out in the cold. But I made myself resist. It wasn't my place. Noah was an adult and he had his phone with him. It wouldn't be right to assert myself once again just because I meant well.

I swiped the tears from my cheeks and turned back to the house. The driveway was empty. No one had even followed us out.

When I made it back into the warm kitchen, Ginny and Kimberly were in the middle of a conversation in the living room, and my dad was casually opening a bottle of wine. It was as if the scene from ten minutes ago never happened, like my boyfriend hadn't just abruptly walked out before meeting anyone.

"Everything okay, honey?"

I stared at my father. Hurt and disappointment swirled around me like bees buzzing. But through it all, anger rose to the surface. This family—and that was a loose approximation for it, really—might have cost me Noah. People who didn't really care about me, not in any meaningful way.

Sure, Noah was angry and overwhelmed right now. He'd pushed me away, but I understood why. He saw my well-intentioned manipulation for what it was. One more attempt to control and influence his life. And I didn't blame him for feeling blindsided by Ginny's presence here. He'd escaped like a cornered animal. I just wished he'd taken me with him.

"No, Dad. Everything isn't okay," I finally managed, voice thick and rough.

He set the bottle down with a click on the countertop.

I swallowed against the painful lump in my throat and admitted, "I can't keep doing this. Pretending that we're a happy blended family—trying to will it into existence so that I can maintain some sort of relationship with you." I looked at Kimberly. "Your wife tolerates me at best. She doesn't know anything about me and doesn't care to. She didn't even include me in your birthday dinner last month. I had to call the restaurant and add myself to the reservation."

My father frowned. "That can't be right, Lu."

Kimberly stayed quiet, and I nodded, knowing not to expect any more than that.

"Come on, Luanne. Grow up." Ginny's words drew my flat gaze. "You were practically an adult when your dad married my mom. No one expected us to be sisters or for my mother to have to raise you or something."

Naively, I'd thought my father and I were a package deal. Yet looking at Kimberly now, her brows lowered in confusion, I could see that she'd only ever married my father. She didn't plan on marrying me too.

I guess everyone thought I'd go off to college and move away, and then they could have their lives 2.0 free and clear. How unfortunate for all involved that I grieved my mother and tried to hold on to the meager offerings of a family I had left.

Kimberly might not be malicious in her intent, but I couldn't say the same for my stepsister.

"You're terrible," I told her calmly. "I'm tired of trying to force a family out of this shitty Cinderella re-telling. This isn't high school anymore, Ginny. Ironic that you are the one telling me to grow up. You still play the role of popular mean girl who needs to make me feel shitty about myself—my life and my job and even my name. I never once thought we could be sisters, but I tried for years to make us friends."

Before she could interrupt, I took a breath and said, "What you did to Noah was criminal. Cruel and vicious in a way I didn't think even you were capable of."

Kimberly shifted her attention to her daughter, and for the first time, suspicion entered her gaze. "What is she talking about, Ginny?"

Ginny shifted uncomfortably on her feet. But she could explain that herself. Or not. I didn't care. I was done with her. The way I should have been years ago.

There was nothing to save here. Noah had been right. I'd been the only one trying for a very long time, and it wasn't fair. Ginny wasn't even the sort of person I wanted in my life. If not for the connection between our parents, I would have hoped and prayed I never ran into her again after high school.

Kimberly . . . well, the jury was still out on her, but it wasn't looking good. Ginny was her daughter and her priority. She'd raised her, after all. If my stepmother wanted to make the effort to get to know me and really try to form some kind of relationship, I would be open to that. But I wasn't holding my breath. Not anymore.

However, if I could salvage one thing, it might be a future with my dad. A family didn't have to be the ideal I'd put on a pedestal. I didn't know why it had taken me so long to see that. Part of me felt like I was giving up—being a quitter. But what was the point in fighting for something when you were the only one willing to go into battle?

Finally, I turned to face my dad who, admittedly, appeared thunderstruck. "Dad, I would love to have a relationship with you someday," I said around the emotion clogging my throat, "but it's not going to be like this. Not anymore. I love you, and I want you to be happy. But this isn't healthy for me. If you want to know me, I'd like that. But you can't put down my job and my life, and you can't pretend that we're one big happy family."

"Lu," he called.

But I just shook my head. "My heart broke when Mom died, and instead of helping me heal, you expected me to glue the pieces back together on my own. You made something new for yourself, and I get it. I really do. But there has never been a place for me here. It just took me a while to see it."

Reaching down, I grabbed my purse from where I'd dropped it. I took one more look around the room at the stunned faces staring back at me, and then I turned and left.

My instinct was to call Noah or just show up at his apartment.

But I didn't do that. I gave him the space he'd asked for. Part of loving someone was trusting them. And I did love Noah. I hoped I'd get the chance to tell him how much.

I wanted him to know that I didn't care who Ginny was to either of us. That he didn't need to feel shamed by our coincidental connection. But I imagined seeing her again and in such an unexpected way really messed with Noah's head.

So I would give him time to process.

Part of me thought I couldn't keep pushing with Noah. At some point, he'd have to make the choice for himself. And if he wasn't choosing me, I couldn't keep begging for scraps.

But I'd be here if and when he was ready to talk.

Cody came over to keep me company on his night off. It was Monday, two days after the family dinner from hell. I had a text from my dad asking to talk when I was ready, but nothing from Noah so far.

"You want some of this Mongolian beef or no?" Cody held a white take-out carton in one hand and chopsticks clicked together in the other.

"Yes, please," I called and traded boxes with him, passing over the vegetable lo mein.

"I wish I was there," came a whiny voice from the laptop propped up on my toaster oven.

"We wish you were here too, Ems," I said.

"She means she wishes she was here to eat this food," Cody clarified.

Emma shrugged on screen, her blond topknot bobbing in agreement. "I haven't found a good place for Chinese takeout in Albuquerque."

Cody and I went back to piling rice and noodles and all manner of comfort food on our plates.

"That's what you get for moving away," Cody said without any sympathy whatsoever and then shoved half of an egg roll in his mouth.

Emma growled a little before turning her attention to me. "How're you doing, LuLu? Heard from Noah?"

I wiped a napkin across my mouth and ignored the spike of hurt that accompanied the subject change. "No, I haven't."

"That boy," Cody grumbled. "Looks like I'm going to have to trap you and Sad Boy Noah in a car again."

I shook my head. "You shouldn't have interfered and forced his hand in the first place. Noah asked for space, and I'm giving it to him. I'm not going to push him to do something he's not ready for. No more forcing things to get my way."

Glancing up from my plate, I saw Cody and Emma share a look, but I ignored them and went back to my pork fried rice.

"Lu, I know Noah said some hurtful things," Emma began.

"Some true things." I interrupted.

"But he was hurting and lashing out," she pointed out. "You don't manipulate people for your own pleasure."

"You're not a villain, LuLu," Cody tacked on.

"But he was right," I argued. "Look at how I wormed my way into his life. I got it into my head that he needed a friend, so I nominated myself for the position and made it happen. Lying about my car to accomplish my goal."

"You didn't lie exactly," Emma said gently.

"I was dishonest," I retorted. "And so wrapped up in what I thought was the right thing that I didn't even consider that Noah knew what was best for his own damn self."

"You really think hiding away and being Sad Boy elite until he could pick up and leave Cozy Creek was the best thing for him," Cody challenged.

I put my fork down with a clang. "That's not the point. I forced the issue and?—"

"You didn't trick him into falling in love with you. He did that all on his own." Cody made an annoyed face. "Everything you did was to try to help him. That is the difference between good and bad here. Your intent. Look at what Ginny did. It was malicious and cruel. She intentionally set out to lure him in before she made her move. All you did was try to get him to go eat tacos with you."

"You're simplifying?—"

"No. I'm not." Cody cut me off again, sharper this time. I could tell he was getting worked up. "People meet and fall in love in so many weird and wonderful ways. You and Noah just needed a chance. You never set out to hurt him, and your friendship grew all on its own after a while."

"No matter how it turned out, I'll always be sorry for how it started."

Cody abandoned his chopsticks and came over to me, his anger deflating at my watery tone. "I know what Noah said to you hurt. But, Lu, you don't strong-arm people or manipulate them to get your way. What you did with your family was try to get them to live up to your expectations. It was from a place of love. You gave them every opportunity, but they fell short. And now you're making your peace with it." My friend sighed. "And Noah. Think about how he must be feeling. It's awkward as hell to find out you dated your girlfriend's stepsister. He knows how badly you wanted a good relationship with Ginny—or at least something civil. Maybe he thinks he's driving a wedge between you two, and his presence will make your life with your dad and your stepfamily that much harder."

Oh . I hadn't considered that.

"He ran away because he was hurt," Emma said. "But maybe he's staying away because he doesn't want to hurt you ."

I looked between my friends. "You think I should try to talk to him? But he told me to give him space."

"And you have," Cody agreed, rubbing a comforting hand up and down my arm. "But maybe you need to let him know that someone picked him for once. That he's not all alone in this town anymore and that you'd rather have his love than be constantly trying to earn it from your family."

I nodded.

"But, Lulu, you deserve someone who's going to pick you right back," Cody amended. "You're worth it."

"Thanks, Cody."

My friend was right. I could make the first move, but Noah had to want me and choose me himself. I couldn't make the same allowances all my life for people who made me work for their affection.

I thought about telling Noah what had happened after he'd left on Saturday with my family. I didn't know if he'd be proud or feel responsible. He might not want to hear from me at all.

But I could start small. Open the door a little so he could make his way through if he wanted to.

I picked up my phone off the countertop.

Cody nodded and Emma smiled.

And then hoped that I was doing the right thing for once.