25. Cole

Chapter 25

Cole

Thanks to the painkillers, I woke up okay. My burn throbbed with a dull ache, but it was bearable.

I was alone but otherwise fine. Lonely, but I’d live through it, like usual.

Sherry was scheduled to pick up the kids from my parents’ place, so due to my injury, I had an unexpected day off from the station.

Maybe I’d stay in bed all day. I punched the pillow behind me and flicked on the TV. I was mindlessly watching whatever was on the screen as thoughts rattled around in my brain like ghosts to haunt me.

My arm, the burn, and how stupidly distracted I’d been last night when I knew better.

Sherry’s harsh words about who I had chosen to spend my time with. Yeah, Madi was younger than me. But thirty wasn’t young. I had no idea why she took issue with it, and it pissed me off.

The hurt look on Madi’s face when she left the hospital last night, rushing through the emergency room like she couldn’t wait to get away from me. She heard everything, which had to be the cause, and I had no idea what, if anything, I could say to make her feel better. I couldn’t control Sherry or her opinions.

I should check on her. But I had no idea what to say when I had no idea what I wanted—other than to be with her as much as I could before she returned to Colorado Springs.

I was not in a place in my life to make any promises. Finding love had not been on my radar, but how else could I explain all these feelings I had for Madi? I was falling for her, and I had to stop it.

I didn’t want her to go home, but asking her to stay in Cozy Creek would be wrong. Part of me wanted to lay down my heart and beg her to be mine. But the adult part, the part that wasn’t selfish, needy, and desperate for her, knew she could do so much better than me.

I was the guy who’d married his high school sweetheart, a woman I had known forever and still couldn’t make her happy.

Getting to know Madi made me question everything I thought I knew about love, and I realized I knew nothing.

Maybe I am fucked up.

Maybe Tate was right, and Sherry messed me up more than I was willing to admit.

Enough.

Staying cooped up in my bedroom and torturing myself was useless. With a toss bordering on violent, I threw my quilt to the side and stalked to the shower.

I had to check on her.

I had to explain—myself. Or at least talk to her until we could come to an understanding. We needed to be on the same page. I had to find out what she had heard last night and how much it had upset her. The thought that she’d walked away from me hurting last night didn’t sit right with me.

After hurrying through my shower, I dressed quickly in jeans and a T-shirt, then headed to the Confectionery, hoping to figure out what to say to her when I got there.

It was early. At this time of day, customers pick up their orders to take with them to work rather than sit down to enjoy their treats.

Instead of finding Madi behind the counter, Gigi was standing there. There was a pensive gleam in her eyes. She didn’t seem like her usual cheerful self. She was worried about something. And she was not wearing her boot.

As I waited in line, my heart’s last spark of hope for a future with Madi diminished. Logically, I knew I was overreacting, but I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts from forming. They popped up faster than I could shoot them down. Logic was not my friend today. By the time I reached the counter, my mood was bleak, and a cold knot of tension roiled around in my gut. I took a deep breath and tried to relax.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” she greeted me.

“Good morning. Your ankle is better. I’m glad to see it.” As casually as I could manage, I asked, “Does Madi know yet?”

“She knows.” Her voice was calm, her gaze steady, as if she could read my mood. “We were supposed to have breakfast and discuss it, but she wasn’t feeling well this morning. She’s upstairs. I let her be since she had a late night. Poor thing is just tired.”

“Oh.” I nodded. “Okay.” A familiar flash of loneliness struck me, and misery, like a weight, settled into my chest.

Would she be packing?

Getting ready to go home?

Was I too late? For what? What was I going to do?

She wasn’t here right now, and it threw me off. She was always here when I arrived. I had grown accustomed to seeing her smiling face in the morning, whether behind the counter or at Gigi’s when she met Natalie to walk Basil.

Insecurities I had thought I had gotten over flooded into my thoughts. I couldn’t make Sherry happy, and I’d known her since we were children. How in the hell would I ever be able to make someone as unforgettable as Madi want to be with me?

“You should go up and talk to her,” Gigi suggested.

“Yeah, that’s why I came⁠—”

“Oh! Your arm. How is it? I should have asked you first thing. I’m so sorry. I’m a bit unsettled this morning. Too much is going on.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m fine. It wasn’t a serious burn. How’s the ankle feeling now that the boot is off?”

“Better. I’m fine too, damn it.” She bit her lip and looked away. “I don’t want her to go, Cole,” she whispered.

“I know…” I shut my eyes for a moment, feeling completely miserable. “I’ll go up and talk to her.”

“Good. I’ll be here if you need me.”

If I needed her?

Why would I need her? This didn’t bode well for me. Or was it just an innocuous statement? I drove myself crazy, stewing over the possibilities while walking up the stairs. My heart thumped madly as I stabbed the doorbell and pounded on the door. Each knock felt like a bad omen.

I should leave.

Would it be better to leave whatever this thing was between us as it was? Would trying to define it ruin it?

Her footsteps across the wood floor had me holding my breath.

I released it to clear my head.

All I had to do was be honest with her. If she couldn’t understand my trepidations, she wouldn’t be the person I thought she was.

She flung the door open and smiled at me, and for a brief moment, I felt relief. Then her smile shook, and she stepped aside to wave me in after her.

“Good morning, Cole.” She was formal. And while she wasn’t cold, she wasn’t the Madi I had grown accustomed to. “How are you feeling?”

“Much better, and you?”

“Fine. Just sleepy. I was up late with Kenzie.”

“Ahh, I see.”

“We should talk.”

“We need to talk.”

We spoke at the same time. But I could tell she was as nervous as I was when neither of us laughed.

“Would you like some coffee?” she offered. “I just made a pot.”

“Sure.” I accepted, even though caffeine was the last thing I needed. My heart was about to race out of my chest and run a lap through Cozy Creek.

“Sit down, and I’ll bring it out.”

I found my way to the couch. All three cats sat glaring at me from the windowsill, telling me with their eyes not to fuck this up.

“I can’t make any guarantees, okay?” I mumbled. “I’m probably going to put my foot in my mouth.” I was talking to cats—Clearly, I had lost it. At least I wasn’t expecting them to answer.

“Did you say something?” she called from the kitchen.

“Uh, no.”

She came back carrying two mugs. “I remembered you said you like my coffee creamer too. I hope this is okay.”

I took a sip. “It’s perfect. Thank you.”

She sat on the chair adjacent to the couch where I was. “So, Gigi got her boot off and I⁠—”

“You’re going back to Colorado Springs?”

“Um.” Uneasiness snuck into her voice as she continued. “I was thinking about staying here, actually.”

“Not for me, though. Right?” Awkwardly, I cleared my throat.

What was I saying?

Everything I had wanted to express to her was getting twisted through the disastrous labyrinth of my insecurities before it came out of my mouth. I was already fucking this up, and we’d barely gotten started.

Her face turned red. “Um—I. Wow. Okay. I don’t quite know what to say to that…” she stammered, bewildered.

“That came out wrong. I didn’t mean it that way.”

“How else could that come out, Cole?” We locked eyes briefly before she looked away, biting her lip nervously. “I thought we had something together. I thought that maybe we had a future. Or at least something special.”

“We did. I mean, we do. I just don’t want you to leave your home and your life behind for me and my mess. What kind of selfish bastard would I be if I let you do that, Madi? You deserve more. You deserve better.”

A warning bell rang in my head. I was going about this the wrong way. This is not what I had intended to express to her.

“Better?” Her face darkened with unreadable emotion, and I braced myself as I waited for her to continue. “Is this because you’re older than me? Because you’re divorced? Is it because you have kids and I don’t? You think I can’t handle it. Is that it?”

“I—no, that isn’t it. I have a lot of baggage. I have a lot going on that I need to straighten my life out before I can⁠—”

But she didn’t let me finish. She was incensed, and I couldn’t blame her.

“You listen to me, Cole Sutter.” Her face had turned a vivid crimson while the double whammy of hurt feelings and longing lay naked in her eyes.

I shut my mouth, afraid to say anything more. The way I had expressed myself was terrible.

Maybe it was because I was exhausted. Or perhaps it was because, deep down, I was scared of getting hurt again, so I was subconsciously screwing everything up so I wouldn’t have to tell her my real feelings and put myself at risk.

I was a coward, and even though I was ashamed, I couldn’t stop it.

“Your kids are awesome, and anyone lucky enough to be with you gets to be with them too. And that is a gift. Not a burden, Cole. Any woman who sees them as baggage is someone who doesn’t deserve to be with you, okay?”

“No, that isn’t it,” I bit out. “It’s not you, and it’s not the kids. It’s me. My life is a mess, Madi. And it wouldn’t be fair of me to⁠—”

“What exactly about your life is so messy, Cole?” Her eyes drilled into mine while my chest felt like it would burst from holding back the words I knew I should be saying. “You have an ex-wife, and she’s a pain in the ass. So what? Your kids are amazing, and they will make anything she has to say worth it. You will make it worth it, too. You are not a mess.”

“No, that’s only part of it. I’m not ready for something like this, and maybe you aren’t either. We both just went through huge breakups. I think we need time.”

“You don’t know what I’m ready for.” Sudden anger lit up her eyes. “Don’t try to make decisions for me or put words into my mouth.”

“You’re an angel, Madi, and I’m⁠—”

“You’re a hero, Cole. Why can’t you see what everyone else sees? This whole town adores you. Gigi can’t say enough good things about you. Why don’t you see it?”

“I just don’t, okay?” I shrugged, resigned. “I can’t. My mind doesn’t work that way. Look, maybe we can be together whenever you’re in Cozy Creek to visit Gigi. When you’re here, you can be mine, and I’ll be yours. No strings until we figure out what we want. I won’t be with anyone else, just you. I don’t want anyone else.”

“I’m okay with a slow burn, Cole.” Her eyes gentled. “I’m okay with taking our time, moving slow. But I’m not okay with denying my feelings. I need strings. I’m not okay with not calling this what it is. If you can’t admit you have feelings for me, then I’m going back to Colorado Springs, and I don’t know if I’ll be back at all. I won’t be some kind of glorified booty call for you.”

“That’s not what I want.” I shuddered inwardly at the thought of it. “That’s not what I meant at all.”

“Well, what do you want then? Tell me how you feel. Say it.”

“I can’t because I don’t know⁠—”

“That’s fine. Let’s stop right here.” She set her coffee down and stood. I stood, too; it was evident to me our talk was coming to an end.

“Madi, I’m sorry, I⁠—”

She held out a hand, warding off my apology like the words physically hurt her. “Don’t apologize. This really isn’t anyone’s fault. I want too much, and you don’t know what you want, and that’s okay. But one thing I’m never going to do again is beg for attention. For tiny scraps of what I deserve. Never again, Cole.” Her chin lifted defiantly. “I deserve it all. And you do too. I wish you could see that.” Her voice trembled as, for a brief second, she wavered. “Unless I’ve been mistaken about how you feel this entire time—maybe I was delusional. I have been accused of seeing what I want, what isn’t there.”

I took a step toward her, then froze when she stepped away. “Stop, Madi, no. You aren’t mistaken.” I dragged a hand through my hair. “I hate this, okay? I’m frustrated with myself because I’m out of control again. I feel desperate, like I’m holding on too tight. You make me feel things she never did. Things I never knew I was capable of. I’m not ready for any of this, and I’m afraid if I put pressure on it, I’ll fuck it all up.”

“You won’t fuck anything up unless you refuse to try.” Her throat constricted as she swallowed. Her eyes were glassy with unshed tears.

“I can’t. Please understand. I can’t do this right now.”

“Okay, I get it. I should have known better than to push you, and I’m sorry about that. Pushing is wrong too. Please forgive me.”

“No, don’t be sorry. Please, I⁠—”

I reached out to take her hand, but she drew it back before I could touch her.

“No. I don’t need any more memories of how it feels to have your hands on me. I spent five years with Ross, but you obliterated those memories in less than three months. I’ll remember you and me forever.”

“Wait.” Anguish, like water to drown in, filled my heart. “What do you mean, you’ll remember you and me? This doesn’t have to be over between us, we can⁠—”

“But it is over.” She was resigned. “It has to be, at least for the time being. You said it yourself: you can’t do this right now, and that’s okay. I even understand why, and I’m not angry with you. But since it’s all I want, I have to protect my heart.”

Stay.

The word was right there. Waiting for me to say it, but I couldn’t.

I didn’t.

I turned and let myself out.

And I let her go.