4. Charis

FOUR

In the daysbefore their debut, Charis, who thought he'd been used to the fast pace of trainee life at the time, had been busier than he'd ever been in his life. He was whisked from fitting room to makeup room to hairdressing, put into a dozen outfits that all blurred together, and posed for promotional photo after promotional photo. He posed coolly with his new group members, trying to radiate the aura of the Ice Prince they'd given him. These members that he barely knew, who were mostly still strangers to him.

Now, at the meeting in Hwa Chungae's office in the company annex building, Charis felt like he was still playing catch up. Like he was sitting still, but could hardly catch his breath.

The office was cool and air conditioned, with a large, empty conference table topped with laminate and plastic chairs to sit on. Charis sat on one of them while he talked with his manager, Hwa Chungae, who leaned against the wall with his arms crossed. The conversation was on the topic of Charis' debut, and Charis wasn't Charis then. Not yet.

"You don't need a stage name if it's too difficult," Hwa Chungae had told him later in the car. "Mouse and Kiki already have it covered. If you want to debut with the name Lee Kyong, that's fine too."

Charis had been young then—he thinks he looks young in the pictures from that time, even if it was only around 18 months ago. He'd sat in Hwa-ssi's office with his face clean and bare and his hair—still long for a boy's but not so long as it is now then—pulled back in a neat ponytail.

Lee Kyong had nodded, ready to accept that.

He was a good boy then, and he's still a good boy now in many ways. A model trainee, who listened to his handlers and tutors, listened to his manager, and always did what people asked of him. He was also very polite. Although he was chosen for the vocal position, Lee Kyong was a comfortable all-rounder. He wasn't being debuted as a visual, but his looks were top notch, a noteworthy asset. He was a good dancer, and he had a calm and easy-going personality. He was chosen for Fairytale because they had an additional spot that they needed to fill, and Lee Kyong was just pliable enough and versatile enough to fit in just about any niche.

He doesn't know what had made him pause that day, to say, "Actually, Chungae-ssi, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to think about it for a little while longer."

Hwa Chungae blinked, surprised that the usually pliable doll was being so forward-thinking for a change. It was unusual and took him slightly aback, but he wasn't displeased.

"If that's what you want, Kyong-ah, then sure. Just don't think for too long."

Lee Kyong had thanked his manager and then gone home. He didn't know why he was being so uncharacteristically stubborn about this. It had been taken out of his hands. He didn't need to pick a stage name. All he had to do was go along. He hadn't known any of his soon-to-be members well enough yet to talk to them about it. Soohyun had seemed cold at the time. Only two years older than Lee Kyong, but at the time, it had seemed like an unbridgeable gulf.

He laid in his bed in the dormitory, on the bottom bunk. He was the first one back today. They'd just moved into K Dorm for the first time in anticipation of their upcoming debut. It was supposed to promote bonding.

Lee Kyong laid with his hands pillowed behind his head, letting his mind wander.

His lips silently formed syllables, tracing the shape of different potential names.

No matter what he tried to pick, none of them seemed to fit quite right. He shifted fitfully in his bed. Maybe Hwa Chungae was right, and he was thinking too hard about this. What was the big deal, anyway? He should just let it go.

His thoughts spun faster and faster, tangling and twisting him up in his mind. In the end, he only got more confused and not less. Lee Kyong blew out a sharp breath.

After a while of thinking, he leaned up to grab his headphones and a notebook from the desk. Music always cleared his mind and helped him to think better. It helped him find his peace.

He settled his thick headphones over his ears and turned on his music, sighing softly through parted lips as the loud music came through the speakers and into his ears. Gradually, he felt all his muscles relax.

He kept his eyes closed for a while, silently singing along to the music under his breath. The melodies helped him feel washed clean.

When he opened his eyes and flipped his notebook open to a clean page, picking up his pen, he felt a little clearer.

Lee Kyong worked like that for a while, stretched out on his stomach on the bottom level of the bunk, letting his mind wander and free associate as he scribbled down names with his pen. He didn't let himself dwell on any one name for too long, whether it was right or wrong. He just let the music fill him as he moved his pen, living in that place of crystal-clear clarity.

He got so lost in the music that he didn't notice when one of his new roommates came in and shut the door with a moderate bang.

Mouse stood in the doorway, looking over at his silent, milky-pale roommate in his light, spring-colored clothes stretched out in his bed. He looked so focused, his serious face fierce as he stared down at his paper.

Mouse was trying to be friendly, so he said, "Hey. Hey!"

No answer.

Mouse got closer, went, "Earth to little roommate," and still didn't get a reply.

In those days, Mouse's long, raven locks were just as long as they are now. He always knew how to style them, making it look effortless while still never looking messy. His hair trailed down over one shoulder in an easy, unfussy braid. As he got close enough to see, Mouse looked curiously over Lee Kyong's shoulder to see what exactly it was that had his dongsaeng so focused.

It was a list of names written in an even, neat hand.

Lee Kyong startled when Mouse put a hand on his shoulder, shifting his headphones so he could hear his roommate.

"Stage name?" Mouse asked, and Lee Kyong nodded.

"What's the big deal?" Mouse said, irreverent in a way that Lee Kyong wasn't yet used to. It came off as rude and off-putting, and Lee Kyong could feel his back stiffen, although Mouse was oblivious to it as he slapped a hand onto Lee Kyong's shoulder. "Just pick one." Mouse put his finger on one of the names on the list. "K.Y. is a kind of cute name, don't you think? Why not just go with that one?"

Lee Kyong didn't know how to explain it and in fact didn't really want to have to explain it—the way he felt, the reason he was so focused on this. Not when he barely understood it himself. So he just fiddled with his headphones a little and said, "I just want to think about it a little more."

Mouse shrugged, already over it. "Suit yourself."

He made some noise in their room for a little longer, rummaging through things as he grabbed whatever he came in for before closing the door behind him. Once he was gone, Lee Kyong blew out a breath and put his headphones back on, but the spell was broken. Try as he might, he couldn't get back to that cool, clear headspace. He blew out a slightly frustrated breath, then set it aside.

Maybe it was for the best. It wasn't like he was actually making any progress anyway.

He stared at the bottom of the top bunk for a little while longer before making a decision and getting up. He walked over to his desk and sat down, pulling out one of his books at random.

They'd settled into K Dorm not long before, but they'd already had enough time to decorate a little bit, to start to make the space their own. It was pretty cramped with three people to a room, but Lee Kyong had done what he could to make his spaces feel a little more like home, to stave off the light creep of homesickness that even he felt, even if he didn't show it as outwardly.

There was a shelf bolted to the wall above the small desk, and in the little alcove formed beneath it, Lee Kyong had strung a small garland made of twisted green paper with little paper charms shaped like flowers and stars on it. It helped the space feel a little better. He hadn't brought many things from home into the main dorm when he'd become a trainee, only a few books he'd loved too much to leave behind. Even now that he has his own space, he's gotten out of the habit of having too many things.

He's collected a few more books over the years, and a few decorations to make himself happy, but other than that, he likes to travel light.

Lee Kyong flips open the book. It's a book of Greek myths and history that he'd bought because he'd liked the fantastical cover. Having already decided to give up on his project for Hwa Chungae, he indulges himself and reads for a bit.

And there, on the page, next to a dozen other names of heroes and legends, Lee Kyong sees the name Charis, which means grace, kindness, and life. It strikes through him like a lightning bolt, that name. He's drawn to it, drawing an icy cool fingertip over the word on the page, circling it without knowing why. He presses his finger into the spine of the book.

Charis.

He tells Hwa Chungae in the morning.