3. Health and Love

THREE

In the morning,they have a meeting to attend bright and early. The kitchen is crowded as they shuffle around grabbing the things they need to fuel their day. No one is talkative in the morning, and everyone fends for themselves. They're a bunch of beautiful, hoodie-clad zombies as they reach around each other grabbing for toast and protein bars and passing each other the hot kettle.

They rarely bump into each other. Their bleary-eyed morning freestyle takes advantage of the same innate awareness of each other's bodies in space cultivated through endless hours of choreography and rehearsal. They spin around each other, deftly grabbing this or that behind each other's backs, opening cabinets and refrigerator doors and stepping around each other. With a far lens, this is just another kind of dance, albeit a silent and cranky one.

Mouse is bitchy in the mornings. He's a mess without his beauty sleep, likely to snap at anyone who even looks at him the wrong way, so everyone gives him a wide berth. Charis is a safer bet, but even their gentle big brother, the unofficial mom of the group, can get short-tempered when he's running on too little sleep and not enough to eat.

Even Miyong is quiet. He pauses in his ticky, energetic shuffle across the kitchen to skid to a stop in front of Charis.

"Kyong-hyung, your face looks puffy," he says bluntly.

"Hey, brat, your makeup is only half done," Xiao Yu says, catching Miyong by the hood and reeling him in. He practically sits on him to make him stay still, pulling out a powder compact and powdering Miyong's face with an eyeshadow brush stuck in his mouth. He finishes their maknae's undone under-eye shadow while Miyong finishes stuffing toast into his mouth.

Charis brings a hand up to his cheek and feels around the skin around his cheekbone, feeling into the hollows of his eyes.

They've been running themselves ragged for days on end with the move and the variety shows they've been doing to promote. Despite all the sleep he got the night before, Charis feels like his eyes are barely open as he pours hot water into his thermos. He tosses two teabags in afterward, brewing his oolong tea rich and strong. After they've cooled enough not to burn, he presses them to his puffy eyes, hoping to bring down some of the swelling.

"Here, catch," Kiki says, tossing Charis an undereye roller. "It's got caffeine in it. Good for puffiness."

Charis nods at him, accepting it gratefully as he rolls some of the cooling serum on beneath the thin skin of his eyes.

"Three minutes!" their manager barks from the stairs.

The energetic shuffle only intensifies. Kim Joon, Kiki, Mouse, and Xiao Yu all pick up their paper cups of coffee from their manager downstairs, and somehow, they all manage to shuffle into the company van on time.

It's only once they're in the van, safely on the way toward their meeting, that everyone can relax. A few people catch some extra Z's, like Miyong, who immediately passes out with his head lolling with every bump in the road. Mouse, their resident internet addict, is on his phone again as soon as he's up and active, updating his social apps.

"I told him he shouldn't stay up so late gaming," Soohyun says quietly enough not to wake the sleepers.

Charis nurses his tea, sipping it when they stop at red lights to avoid burning himself.

They get to the company building in no time at all. This is one of the advantages of moving to S dorm, they're now much closer to both the company building and all of the other studios and shops in bustling Gangnam.

When the van stops in front of the building, they pull their masks over their faces. Those of them wearing hoodies pull their hoods up. Charis puts a baseball cap over his head. Their manager gets out of the car first to provide interference, if need be.

They aren't big enough yet to be swarmed by fans as they enter the building, but curious fans stand with camera phones out as they film them entering, tourists and locals alike taking the opportunity to film this group of good-looking young people walking into the company building, figuring there's a good chance that they're somebody famous.

Hwa Chungae repels a few of the more brazen ones, shooing them back and telling them not to crowd too close, but the group manages to make it inside the building without incident.

In the elevator, Charis takes off his cap and mask, folding them both inside his pocket. He breathes out a breath and happens to catch Soohyun's eye.

Soohyun squeezes his shoulder.

"It'll be fine," he says.

The elevator is too small to fit all of them, so they have to take the trip up to the executive floor in two different groups. Their manager is with the second group, and Charis is with the first. It means that they have a rare private moment to themselves, safe inside these enclosed walls from other prying eyes.

"It will," Mouse says on the other side of him, pepped up enough by the coffee to talk like a human again. His ever-present phone is put away, and he looks at Charis with an uncharacteristic burning in his eyes, a focused seriousness that reflects the brilliance he shows on stage.

"I know," Charis says quietly.

What he means is that he wants to know. His position in the company has never been stable. He has health issues that the others don't have. He works harder to overcome his shortcomings, and whenever his performance starts to falter, even the slightest bit, he fears he'll be let go. They haven't been told the reason for today's meeting, which is unusual. Usually they're briefed with at least a general idea of what they're coming in to discuss.

Charis had recently had a health scare at an award show. It hadn't affected his performance onstage, but he'd passed out while walking offstage. It had happened before; it wasn't necessarily a big deal. Lots of trainees and artists sometimes passed out during periods of particularly intense work. It was usually just seen as a sign of dedication, as long as it didn't happen too often. Good idols didn't eat too much, and they trained slavishly night and day.

The thing was, it had been happening to Charis more and more. His members had tried to help him hide it, but when he'd passed out just offstage, his legs crumpling beneath him like cut marionette strings while the next ongoing act gasped and stepped around him, all of the higher-ups in the Korean entertainment world had seen. There had been a news leak, and speculation about his health had ended up all over the net.

Rumors had quickly been smothered by the company, but the damage was already done.

He hadn't been called in to talk about it. In fact, no one had even mentioned it to them for the next week, which had put Charis on edge.

Today, he's white-lipped from pressing his lips too hard together. His knuckles are white from holding on to the elevator railing so tightly. He doesn't even realize he's doing it.

"Take a deep breath," Soohyun advises him.

Charis has time to do that and only that. Soohyun opens his mouth, but Charis never gets to find out what he was going to say, because the elevator doors have already opened on the sixteenth floor.

Soohyun closes his mouth, and he can only look on with slight worry as he sees Charis step out of the elevator ahead of them. His back is straight and proud. It almost looks like he's going to the gallows. For Soohyun and Mouse, who know him well, they can see the fragile brittleness in him. They share a rare look behind his back, and then Soohyun steps forward, putting his hand on Charis' back.

The elevators are quick, and they only have to wait for a little while for the rest of their group to arrive. Manager Hwa takes the lead, stepping into the president's office first. Charis can feel the sweat prickling on the back of his neck, wetting his lower back, and he swallows tightly, praying that he doesn't have another episode here, of all places.

His face gives nothing away. He's gotten very good at this over the years, building upon a natural talent—people used to say that he was as expressionless as a block of wood, but now his polite, blankly pleasant face is an asset.

"Ah, Fairytale, you're here."

The president is a jovial man, superficially charming, which has always put Mouse on edge. Charis doesn't like it either. The president of the company, Pi Eun, smiles broadly at them as he invites them in. His office is an immaculate space, full of pictures of all of the talents that work for his company. Across the far wall, there's a framed picture of the seven of them—Fairytale.

They all bow together.

"Good morning."

"Good morning."

A handful of scattered greetings go up.

President Pi gestures for them to sit, and they do, taking up seats around the big round table. Soohyun and Mouse flank Charis, sitting on either side of him.

He offers them all refreshments, which they politely decline, even Miyong when Kim Joon presses his hand under the table as a reminder.

"You've all done very well in the past year. From your debut until now, you've made major waves in the entertainment industry. Your steady growth will definitely pave the way for big things ahead."

It's true; since Fairytale's inception, they've not only met but exceeded every goal set for them. From their humble beginnings, they've gradually amassed fans, first with their debut album and all the touring they've done since then, and the EP they'd put out midway through the year. Their fans—their Charms—adore them, and they're starting to get international support.

They smile and demur politely, promising to continue to work hard.

As their leader, Soohyun steps up and speaks on behalf of all of them.

"We're very grateful for the opportunity."

The ice down Charis' back hasn't gotten better, and as he sits in the meeting, he feels like he can barely breathe. He focuses on breathing slowly in and out through his nose. The meeting passes in a blur, without the need for any input from him, and when it's done, they've been told that they've been scheduled to do a new comeback album.

Charis' health isn't mentioned at all except for a passing word from President Pi as he steps out the door on his way to another meeting, saying, "And take care of your health, yes, Kyong-gun?"

Charis unfreezes for long enough to smile warmly. "Of course. Thank you, President Pi, for your concern."

He's a bit out of it for the rest of the meeting, although the danger spot has passed. From there, they talk with the marketing team and their producers about ideas for the direction of their comeback album. Charis still feels like his ears are ringing. At least once, someone asks for his input as the lead singer, and he has to shake his head. "I'm sorry, what? Could you repeat that?"

The question is repeated, and Charis' slow, sluggish brain stumbles through an answer about vocal ranges that he should be able to give in his sleep.

From then on, Mouse runs interference hard, being his loudest and most aggressively forward self, and it keeps the heat off of Charis.

By the time the second meeting is adjourned, Charis' back is fully covered in sweat. His face looks pale beneath the harsh overhead lights of the meeting room, and his legs are faintly trembling underneath the round table when it's time to get up. His lips look especially dry and red contrasted against the pallor of his skin.

Hwa Chungae keeps sneaking worried looks at him.

"Charis, are you okay?" he asks as they walk back through the company to get back in the car. "Is your health poor?"

"I think I ate something bad last night," Charis lies. "I'm fine. Just a little queasy."

"…well, be more careful in future, okay? We need all of you Princes at your best."

"Mn." Charis agrees, with sweat collecting at his hairline and pain starting to prickle up his legs.

He's grateful by the time he can put his dark hat and mask back on and pile into the van. Chungae has other things he has to accomplish back at the company, so he sends them to the van and sees them off, and it's only the seven of them and the driver stuck in traffic on their way back to the dorm.

"Is it really bad?" Soohyun asks him quietly in the backseat.

Soohyun had chosen to sit next to Charis in the very last row. He'd taken Charis' hand as soon as they'd gotten into the car, squeezing Charis' clammy fingers.

Charis gasps and nods stiffly.

"Just close your eyes and rest," Soohyun says, tipping Charis' head with his hand to guide him to safely rest on his shoulder. The rest of their group looks on with worried eyes, but they keep silent on account of the driver.

The Seoul traffic makes even the short ride stretch out. Mouse stuffs his headphones in his ears, and Xiao Yu listens to rap. Kim Joon looks pensively out the window.

Charis doesn't quite sleep, but he isn't quite awake, just being lulled nauseously on cresting waves of pain and strangeness.

What Charis experiences is almost a dream. It isn't a very good one.

From an accident when Charis was a baby, he suffered nerve damage that affects his legs. He's been to countless doctors over the years, and after the surgeries to set and reset his bones, the endless operations, the screws through his bones, the rehabilitation, he's left with pain that never quite goes away.

At first, they'd thought there was still something wrong, and his mom and dad had taken him to still more doctors. They'd run additional tests, all sorts of scans and blood work to figure out what was going wrong in Charis' body. In the end, they'd come up with nothing.

The pain was psychogenic. Although there was no longer anything wrong with Charis' legs, his mind couldn't accept it. His brain was so used to the pain, that it kept creating pain signals of its own. Although the nerves had long since healed, and the bones had knitted themselves together, Charis was still afflicted with spasms of pain that came and went according to his mental state. When he became especially distressed, the pain got very bad. Sometimes he couldn't even walk.

Soohyun helped Charis carefully out of the car as soon as they arrived back at S Dorm.

Although it had been early when they left, their meetings had taken most of the day, and it's nearing evening by the time they make it back.

Charis would usually demur such close attention, but he can't right now. He really can't walk on his own. And so, although it embarrasses him, he has to lean on Soohyun in order to limp into the building.

"Wait," Mouse says before they get out of the car. He leans over the backseat to put Charis' mask on his face, looping the strings over each of his ears and tucking the hair out of the way. "There you go."

Charis nods in thanks, and Mouse flicks his eyes away as if to say ‘don't mention it'.

"Want to go to your room or the lounge?" Soohyun asks him. "Or my room," he adds on second thought.

Charis is grateful for it. He hesitates. He doesn't really want to be in his room any longer, but the thought of being around so many people—even if they're his members—when he feels like this isn't very appealing either.

"I don't want to be a bother."

"You're not," Soohyun reassures quickly.

Charis nods. "Your room then, hyung. If you don't mind."

"Of course I don't."

Kim Joon and Kiki look after them as they walk past on their way out of the car, but nobody comments or stops them.

It's unfortunate that their dorm doesn't have an elevator, Soohyun thinks as he helps Charis up the stairs. Charis doesn't complain, but it's a lot of stairs before they make it to the second floor where their rooms are located. Luckily, Soohyun's room is one of the first off the hallway that extends from the common area.

There's a desk chair in Soohyun's room, like all the others, but Soohyun doesn't even think of sitting Charis in it. Instead, he deposits Charis on his soft, comfortable bed. Luckily, he just washed his covers, so it's clean and fresh.

Soohyun's room is comfortable. It's minimally decorated but without feeling austere or sterile. Instead, it just feels like a comfortable place for Charis to rest his mind as well as his body. The windows have been open all afternoon, and a cool, refreshing breeze blows through them, ruffling the open curtains. Charis' upset from the day slowly, gradually melts away. The colors in Soohyun's room are all dark and muted, comforting, cool greys and navy blues.

When Soohyun quietly clicks on the desk lamp, he keeps the light dim and angles it away from any position that might hurt Charis' eyes. It's remarkably considerate, giving him a cool, quiet, dim place to recover, away from any pressure, but Soohyun is just like that. He's considerate. He takes care of them, and he makes it look so effortless.

Charis tilts his head and leans his temple against the wall, making the light-colored tendrils of his hair bunch up against the freshly painted surface. Charis just zones out for a while, and Soohyun lets him.

He asks if Charis needs anything—something to eat or something to drink—and when Charis demurs, Soohyun sits at his desk and opens his laptop. He goes through his emails and opens his music production app, clicking through with focused ease. The sound of him clicking at the keys and the comfort of simply sharing space—nothing asked of Charis, nothing required, is soothing.

Mouse comes into Soohyun's room without knocking.

"Doors exist for a reason," Soohyun says without heat, and Mouse only waves his hand, the colorful beaded bracelet on his thin wrist clicking together at the motion.

"Wanted to see where you were hiding Pocky, make sure you didn't do anything with him."

Charis huffs. "Why would Soohyun hurt me?"

"You never know," Mouse says, pointing one of his actual Pocky at Soohyun as he gestures. He crunches the delicate pretzel between his teeth. "He could be having his dastardly way with you."

Charis hadn't eaten this morning, and his stomach grumbles. He holds out his hand and makes a gimme motion, and Mouse sticks out his box of snacks. Charis takes two pretzels, and Mouse offers the box in Soohyun's direction, who declines.

Mouse shrugs. The snacks are smoked provolone flavored. Super tasty.

Charis nibbles on them one at a time, careful not to spill but too familiar with both of them to feel bad for eating on Soohyun's bed.

"We ought to get you to a doctor, Pocky," Mouse says because no one else will say it.

"I don't need a doctor. I've been to all the doctors."

He turns subtly away, closing off. This is a conversation he's tired of having.

Mouse looks at Soohyun across Charis' head, and they exchange a glance. Mouse and Soohyun aren't particularly close individually, but they're united in their common mission to take care of Charis. The three of them are the oldest and have a kind of calm-hearted, natural alliance because of it.

Soohyun might be more benevolent and kind, but Mouse knows Charis better than anyone else, and he cares about him just as much. Mouse is willing to say the unpleasant things, the hard things, when they have to be said, even when Charis doesn't want to hear them. He's used to stepping up to say things when no one else wants the job.

Charis closes off, and Soohyun looks too stricken—too quietly hurt by it and worried about beautiful Charis—to stick his neck out and push at Charis' closed doors when he needs to be pushed.

Mouse isn't.

Mouse tosses his empty package into the wastebin and folds his arms. "That's bullshit. There are other doctors. Other kinds of doctors. Maybe you need to see a specialist."

"A therapist?" Charis asks, his voice growing subtly sharp. It's a little eerie and a little hair-raising, the way it comes out in his naturally soft and gentle voice.

Mouse isn't afraid. "A specialist," he reiterates firmly. "One who'll take your pain seriously and help you get better."

Charis' mouth is set in an unyielding, unhappy line. He doesn't argue.

"Charis," Mouse says—never one to know when to quit.

"Mouse," Soohyun says quietly, stepping in. "Enough."

Now Mouse looks unhappy, too.

He sits next to Charis on Soohyun's bed, with Charis' straight, stiff back and brittle demeanor, and gradually sidles closer. When he's close enough, he bumps his shoulder into Charis'. Then he does it again. Eventually, with enough quiet coaxing, a small smile breaks over Charis' face.

"I'll think about it," is what he eventually says.

It's all he can promise. He can't—he won't promise to do anything more. He knows his members love him, and that they worry about him. But they don't know what it's like, not really. That's part of his life that he can't—he just can't go back to.

Suddenly—suspiciously—just after they finish talking, there's a soft knock on the door. Soohyun calls out to them, and when the door swings cautiously open, Charis sees the peering faces of his dongsaengs.

"We came to see Charis-hyung," Miyong says.

Miyong nods. And behind them, crowded in the doorway to Soohyun's room, Charis is surprised to see the rest of his members as well. Xiao Yu and Kim Joon are leading up the rear, even though they're not the touchy-feely type that are usually into this kind of thing. Even Kiki is here as well.

"Can we come inside?" Kim Joon asks.

A smile cracks over Soohyun's face, along with a small sigh, as he motions them in.

They flow over him, piling into Soohyun's bed and situating themselves on either side of Charis, as though they're lending him their strength. They butt up against him, leaning on him like a pile of innocent kittens or puppies, but careful not to put any pressure on Charis' legs.

"We wanted to come make sure Charis-hyung was okay," Miyong says sweetly.

The rest chorus their agreement, and Charis smiles gently.

"I'm fine. There's nothing the matter. I didn't mean to worry all of you."

He looks to Soohyun for help, suddenly feeling a little helpless in the wake of all this affection. Soohyun spreads his arms wide as if to say, I can't help you here. Even Mouse leans back with his arms crossed as he watches their juniors lean against Charis like a pile of young puppies, with a satisfied look on his face even as he wears a smug expression that tells Charis that he's on his own.

Charis can't be upset—not at the careful love and affection of his members. His lot might be unfair, and he might be uncertain a lot of the time—afraid of getting kicked out and so many other small things—but moments like this fill him up. That he's included even when he doesn't say that he wants to be. That when he doesn't want to reach out, there are still people reaching back.

"We love you, hyung," Miyong says, throwing his arms around Charis' neck.

Charis laughs as Miyong snuggles his face against Charis' cheek and then finally, gently but firmly, pushes him back.

"Okay, okay, I get it, I'm loved. Shouldn't we start talking about our comeback?"

"A little later," Soohyun says from his perch at the computer chair, where he's watching the proceedings go down. He steps in as the executive voice of reason, but not to save Charis from this love pile. He waves a hand. "We've got time."