3. Chapter 3

Chapter three

PAVAL

I stare at the items placed symmetrically across my mattress, all parallel to the edge of the bed. It pains me that when my thoughts are chaotic, I try to make everything else perfect. If that means aligning items on the bed in a certain way before placing them in my backpack, I do it. Because it's the one thing I can control. The laptop is crooked. I won't even need that tonight but I can never be too careful.

I could do with a new wallet, the fraying leather making it so that it sits crooked. However, it has sentimental value, and getting rid of it would be disrespectful. The pencil is perfectly sharpened and the pen is a dark brown, nearly black color that I've been reprimanded for using on assignments. I don't care, though. It's the closest to Tia's eyes that I can get away with. A quick glance at the worn notebook has my face scrunching up in anger.

The papers are crinkled from the scribbles I unleash on it when the thoughts get too loud and I have to write everything down before I can breathe again. It's not a fucking journal. I don't do that. And the ramblings would never make sense to anyone else. I blame Rhys for that—the way that numbers and patterns and puzzles take over sometimes. The latest pattern is Tia's movements.

I don't understand them. She's on parts of the campus at times that don't make sense. She meets people she shouldn't know. And that little black notebook is newer. What are you doing, Tia? I tap my chin, resisting the urge to flip open my notebook and start trying to connect the dots again.

A heavy sigh falls from my lips and then I reach over to straighten the laptop and then count the items again. Seven. Perfect.

Excitement rushes through me at the thought of going home and seeing my fathers. I'm never aware of how much I enjoy their presence and their advice or just the feeling of home. Losing my parents at such a young age never bothered me as much as it should have because Valentyn—my uncle—made sure I'd never wanted anything. He's told me stories of my father and mother, making sure I know who is missing in my life but I don't feel left behind.

I count the items one more time as I place them into my bag. Laptop, phone, statistics textbook, pencil, pen, notebook, wallet. Once everything is situated, I make my way down the hall, head tucked to avoid interaction with the fraternity brothers I live with. The first few days into my graduate degree, I was sucked into the chaos that everyone labels as fun. I don't enjoy it, though. I need something more exhilarating. Something that will catch my attention and keep it.

Parties don't do that.

The sports on campus aren't violent enough and I don't want to wear a uniform.

And if anyone knew about my obsessive hobbies, I'd be offered help rather than an elective.

I think the only reason I'm allowed to stay in the frat house without actively participating is because I'm a Kolas.

There are a few murmured hellos as I push out onto the sidewalk and head to my car. It's an old Jeep that I fell in love with a few years ago and have no intention of getting rid of. I freeze, catching a beautiful redhead leaning against the passenger door. See? She shouldn't be here. Tia keeps doing things that just don't make sense and it's confusing me. My gaze darts to her dorm across the courtyard and then back to her.

She's not dressed appropriately to be outside in this brisk weather—her thin shirt and leggings leaving little to the imagination. Even in the dim light of the parking lot, the outline of her nipples peeking through the fabric is visible. My tongue darts out to lick my lips unconsciously as I approach before the confusion seeps in again. "Tia, are you coming with me?"

It's the only explanation for her presence. Tia places a gentle hand on my arm, effectively settling my emotions. "Hey, it's okay. I just wanted to make sure that you were alright. You've been a little jumpy lately and you didn't answer your phone."

"I didn't?" I always check my phone for messages, especially when they are from her. That's when I remember seeing a message come through and ignoring it because I didn't want to talk about my feelings. Correction, I don't know how to mention to Tia that she's not following her usual patterns and the outliers are starting to outweigh the normal deviation that should be allowed in the algorithm I constructed.

Rhys says I can't say shit like that to people—that I map out their movements to a certain degree as to be able to predict them.

However, it's the only way I stay from going insane. I don't like the unknown which is why I stay perfectly wrapped up in my bubble of Tia and my roommate, Kelvin when he's around.

"Pav, breathe . It's been a while since it's gotten this bad. What is going on?" Tia gently wraps her hands around my cheeks and pulls me down so that our eyes are level. Like this, I can see the few extra colors in those hazel eyes and I focus on that instead of the panic trying to claw its way out.

"You keep looking over your shoulder," I finally blurt out. "You didn't do that before but you do it now. You told me earlier you were okay but I don't believe that. Both of those things can't be true at the same time." I'd have to redo all of my proofs at this point.

She snorts, the soft puff of air fanning my lips. "God, Paval, you're so precious. I am fine and people change. I've told you that." Tia is lying. Fear flashes through her expression but she does well to cover it up with the smile I love so much. "Since you didn't answer your text, I came to make sure that you bring me back that apple cake Gianni makes."

"Come with me," I purr, pressing up against her so that she's trapped between me and the car. A gasp falls from her lips just before I kiss her, Tia melting against me. I've been trying to get Tia to visit for months but she believes that incident when we were kids is her fault—or at the very least, she keeps beating herself up about it.

"Raincheck, babe. You only get to see them every few weeks with your crazy school schedule."

"Rhys misses you." Using her uncle to persuade her is a low blow but it's all I have. He really does miss her and I know that Tia misses the full family she once had. Rhys tells me of the dinners with his brother and sister and their families before everything fell apart. He wasn't always well-liked at those, mostly because of Tia's mother but I can see that he misses it in some part.

I can only imagine that Tia is feeling that same loss.

Her face falls as her head thunks back against the passenger door window. I settle my hands on her waist, squeezing lightly to let her know that I really want this. It might be selfish on my part but she's the only person on this campus who makes it easy to breathe. "None of them blame you for what happened, Tia."

Tears gather in her eyes, a bitter laugh tearing from her throat. "They should. Pav, I know we were too young to remember what happened but my uncle almost died because of my mother—his own goddamn sister! How can I not be mad at that? How can I not feel guilty? I can't go over there and share a meal like nothing has happened, Pav." She lightly pushes against me but she's not truly trying to get away.

When I tuck her head into my chest, she bursts into tears, her body wracking with sobs. I had no idea she was so worried about this. My fathers mentioned that her mother—Ada—calls relentlessly but I didn't know it had been weighing on Tia. I should have known.

I know everything about her.

Or I thought I did.

I stroke my fingers through her hair, waiting for her to calm down long enough to try again. She needs her family. "Just a meal, Tia. You were never the problem. You are not your mother." Tia glances up at me, those glassy hazel eyes and tear-stained cheeks doing something to me. "You're going to be the greatest fucking lawyer the world has ever seen and that's because of what you've done, not your mother."

A small smile plays on her lips as she smacks away at her tears. "As strange as you are, you're always the person I need, Pav. Thank you." To anyone else, being called strange might be an insult. To me, it just means that Tia doesn't mind my oddities.

I reach around her and unlock the door before stepping back, waiting for her to make a decision. She hesitates and then slips into the passenger seat.