35. Angie

Chapter 35

Angie

I fiddled with my shirt and double-checked that my shoes were tied with the laces safely tucked in. The last thing I wanted to happen would be to trip and fall off a cliff. I kicked at the dirt and desert plants at my feet. Most of the June wildflowers had faded, and now only sunflowers and white milkweed had popped through the brush.

Dan and I stood on a large overhang, taller than the boulders around us. The harness he’d handed me dangled in my grip while he looped the rope in the anchor bolted into the rock. Thankfully, we’d been able to drive to the edge of this cliff; if I’d had to climb the face of it, I may have given up already. The sun had begun its descent and beat down on me, warming my skin under the layer of sunscreen I’d applied. Other rocks jutted out of the ground, creating an alien city landscape.

City of the Rocks. I couldn’t think of a place more aptly named.

The farm demanded a lot of our family, but when we got a spare weekend, Papa would take me here. Yes, I didn’t like sleeping on the ground; however, sitting next to a campfire with Papa, the noise of the world eased, and I found peace. This was one of the only other locations on Earth I’d been able to feel … quiet.

In lieu of dirt biking, we both agreed to rappel, skipping the effort of scaling the boulders.

But how did Dan know about my favorite place?

I kept my arms rigid by my side to disguise my nerves. I was about to drop off the edge of a cliff, and despite the confidence I’d spat at Remi, I’d lied. I was still afraid of heights. Dan’s hands shook as he handled the rope and peeked over the cliff’s edge. He looked as scared as I felt, which struck me as odd. You’d think a sky-diving instructor wouldn’t have a fear of heights.

Maybe he was nervous for a different reason. My mind latched on to our recent conversations. About future plans. Dreams. My ideal wedding …

Son of a sock monkey!

Smoot—Dan was going to propose. What the hell was I supposed to do? Did I want to say yes?

Of course, I would. No. Maybe. This was for Papa and his dream. Dan and I could be happy if we worked at it. But I’d been working my patootie off my whole life—did I want to spend the rest of it fighting upstream in a lukewarm marriage?

The thought made my stomach sour.

“I’m sure you’ve done this before.” Dan weaved the rope between his fingers.

I nodded and swallowed. No sense giving up yet.

Dan shoved his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose. “I got you a helmet and gloves since you came from a baby shower.” He dug through the tote and handed me the mentioned items.

“Thanks.” I took the helmet with gloves shoved inside.

In slow, methodical movements, I looped one foot into the harness, followed by the other.

How had I gotten here?

Sure, at the beginning of this relationship, I’d thought this was the best course of action. Could a long-term relationship be built on lies?

Yet in all our conversations not involving extreme sports, I could see a stable guy in Dan. He almost hedged on boring. I’d put all my eggs into this basket. The only hope I had of Papa being at my wedding stood before me with pit stains and shaking hands.

I snapped into my harness and slid my helmet into place, putting on my gloves after I’d clicked the chin strap. “You ready?”

“Yes. Just—ah—give me a moment.” Dan sat on a smooth rock and adjusted his harness for the tenth time. “It’s hot out here today.”

He slid from the rock and knelt on one knee in front of me. He tilted his head up. Oh! Ready or not, here it came. My heartbeat as fast as a Jackrabbit’s foot. He couldn’t propose yet. I hadn’t figured out my answer!

But then he dropped his focus to his hiking boot and tied his shoe. Placing a hand over my heart, I took a deep breath. Bullet dodged.

“Yeah. It is.” I stood awkwardly above him. Lifting my hand toward my mouth, I attempted to chew my nails, but my gloves thwarted me. I let my hand fall back to my side.

Dan coughed, clearing his throat. “So, I guess, uh, you … Do you want to go first?”

“Sure,” I drawled out my response. No, I didn’t want to go first! What was wrong with me? “Yippee-Ki-Yay. Am I right?”

I meandered toward the cliff’s edge and began shoving the rope through the metal loops attached to my harness. Inch by inch it slid through my gloves.

The tips of my tennis shoes touched the edge. Tiny bits of gravel cascaded over and were carried away in the wind.

Holy daisies in a handbasket!

The bottom of the cliff was so far away. It blurred in the glaring sunlight. Panicked breaths shoved their way in and out of me.

I didn’t want to do this. Couldn’t do it. I dropped the rope and unclipped the carabiner attached to the metal circle I’d looped the rope through. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore.” My ears rang. My mouth had already gone dry with the potential of a proposal and the added stress of being on an outcropping of a tall boulder.

“What do you mean?” Visible sweat beaded on Dan’s forehead as he leaned one hand against the rock.

One careful step at a time, I backed away from the edge until I stood beside him. I took his hand in an almost desperate grip. The leather of our gloves bunched in my palm. I needed to come clean. I’d taken this too far.

I took a deep breath. “I’ve been lying to you this whole time.”

“ You’ve been lying to me ?” Dan cringed and leaned away from me with each word.

“Yes.” With my admission, my inner word dam broke. “When I saw your profile picture, I thought I needed to find a different sort of guy. Change up where I looked for matches. Change myself. I’d tried everything for a year and was desperate to find someone to connect with.” I gulped in air. “I’m terrified of heights. I wanted to pretend to be someone else. And I thought I could make it work. Become a person you’d be interested in. The truth is, I’ve never been off my farm. I’ve never jumped off a bridge. I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon, let alone canyoneered in the back country—”

“Shh. It’s okay.” He cut me off. “I sort of don’t do extreme sports either.”

“Hold up.” I held up a finger. “You’re not a BASE jumper?”

Had I wasted the past three months? Still holding his hand, I sat on the rock, and he followed my lead. This entire spring and summer, we were both lying? Maniacal laughter bubbled inside me. What were the odds of two people semi-catfishing each other? The only thing we didn’t lie about was what we looked like. I couldn’t contain my laughter anymore, and it spilled from me. We were perfect for each other, except, maybe not. This summer had changed me. Before it, I would have been completely content with a man like Dan. Now I wanted … more.

Dan’s eyebrows wrinkled as he tried to make sense of my laughter. “No. I’m also terrified of heights. I thought maybe if I investigated dating in a completely different group, I’d find more success, you know?”

“Oh, do I ever,” I mumbled.

He went on as if he hadn’t heard me. “I don’t run a skydiving business or have a cabin in Pine. I’m an accountant. I love Excel sheets and data. And for the love of Pete, I like being safe. I didn’t lie about Ted Martin. He’s my idiot friend who helped me hatch this scheme.”

I let his words die in the wind and listened to nothing but the sound of my heart and our rough breaths. All this time, I’d been trying to catch a guy by lying and, plot twist , he was doing the same thing to me.

Had I wasted the last three months of my life forcing my square self into a circular mold? Even before I finished asking myself the question, my mind responded. No. Without this spring and summer, I never would have known how much I craved excitement or how much I needed to live my own life.

It was odd how in pretending to be someone else, I’d discovered myself.

At the start of this, I’d had no interest in BASE jumping. Now, I wasn’t so sure. What would it be like to have Remi with me and feel the weightlessness, the thrill of falling through the vast emptiness of air?

“You weren’t skydiving with execs for the past two weeks?”

“Nope. I was working on a budget for a client, and then I went to a seminar to get my CPE’s. Not nearly as exciting.”

“You could have told me the truth.”

Dan shook his head and sagged against the rock. “We’re kind of perfect for each other. Aren’t we?” He let out a laugh. “Are you still interested in being with me? Like possibly marrying me?” He dipped his head away and looked at me from the corner of his eye, his Adam’s apple bobbing more than ever.

There it was. I’d been waiting through part of winter, all of spring, and the beginning of summer for this moment. I could beg him to marry me tomorrow, and Papa would be there on my wedding day. He would be by my side to hold me as I said goodbye to Papa. But in the split second I thought about Papa leaving me, it wasn’t Dan standing next to me, comforting me in my fantasy.

Crap. Everything around me spun.

Dan turned to grip both my hands. His eyes locked on his target, and he moved in.

Remi’s voice broke through.

Angie … I love you.

Along with his declaration, memories of the antics we’d gotten into since the start of the growing season poured into my mind. Tractors, corn, high wires and axes, game nights and dirt bikes … and his kisses. I licked my lips, remembering his touch, how it’d branded my skin and leeched into my soul.

Which was what happened … when you fell in love. Flaming hell in a handbasket! I’d fallen in love with the enemy.

Dan’s breath fluttered against my chin. His lips pressed against mine.

“Wait.” I broke contact and pushed him back. “I can’t.”

He stiffened and sat up. “I thought you wanted to get married. You said—”

“I know. And I meant all those things when I said them, but then …” I let my voice trail off, not sure what I would say.

Dan’s shoulders slumped, and his features softened into a defeated frown. “Remi.”

“No, he has nothing to do with this.” I sounded like a preschooler caught with red finger paint on her hands. Being willing to admit my love to my innermost thoughts was one thing but speaking it into existence was entirely another.

“For someone who can keep up a lie for months, you’re not very good at lying to yourself. You talk about him all the time—”

“That’s because we’re always working—”

“Why do you think I went to guys’ night with him and Myles and the others? I asked him about where I should propose, and he immediately knew your favorite place.”

I should have guessed Remi was the one who’d told him. He remembered the tiniest details about me.

Dan kept talking. “He’s a threat. One I lost to. I’ve been dumped enough times to know this is an I’m-in-love-with-someone-else scenario.”

Shaking my head, I said nothing. I didn’t want to lie to him anymore, but I wasn’t brave enough to admit the truth.

I loved Remi, like the once in a lifetime, ugly-crying-into-your-popcorn-at-midnight kind of stuff. I loved the way he challenged me. I loved the way he supported me. Before he came into my life, I was barely surviving on adrenaline and dread. I was a black-and-white photo, and he injected color back into my life. Most of all, I loved that I didn’t have to earn his love or change myself for him. He’d fallen in love with me … the real me.

“Look, Daniel, I’m not the right girl for you. Even if it weren’t for …”

“Yeah. I get it.” He nudged me with his shoulder. “I really wanted you to be my soulmate. I guess I’m going back to square one. No hope of getting married before forty.”

“You never know. It just takes meeting the right person.” Remi had come out of left field. I’d been so stubborn. “And getting married after forty wouldn’t be a bad thing.”

“I guess so.” He dusted off his pants and got to his feet.

“Angie!” A distant voice echoed from the bottom of the outcropping.

It sounded like … I scrambled to my feet and peeked over the edge. Remi? How had he found me? The question barely escaped my thoughts before I locked on the answer: the app. My phone.

“You should go to him.”

Without hesitation, I marched to my previous positions and re-clipped the carabiner to my harness. Before I took another breath, I gripped the rope, one hand above me and one behind, and dropped over the edge.