7. “Crash Into Me”

7

"CRASH INTO ME"

DAVE MATTHEWS BAND

B ecause I had spent a little bit of time folding the mountain of laundry on my bed, when I woke up to sunshine streaming through the space between my blackout curtains, I decided to go golfing after I finished my work for the day.

I headed for the course at twelve-thirty and rolled up to the starter early for my last-minute tee time. The course was pretty empty, so I was lucky enough to be able to go off as a single, and as soon as he gave me the go-ahead, I was off and rolling for the first tee box. It was that gorgeous mild-mannered temperature that feels imperceptible on your skin, and it was late enough in the day that the gnats had gone off to wherever gnats go when they're done making our mornings miserable.

Things were going pretty well, considering I hadn't golfed in over a week, but by the third hole, my round had gone completely off the rails. So when my phone rang, and I saw that it was Kari, I put an AirPod in and answered right away. I could tell things were not going well at all based on the yelling in the background.

"What's up?" I asked, lining up my drive .

"Well, they've finally gone and done it this time." she shrieked. Outside of her tone, her voice sounded a little frantic, and I assumed by ‘they', she meant Matt and Alex.

"What happened now?" I was expecting more of their usual rubber band around the kitchen sprayer pranks. Boy, was I about to be surprised.

"The good news is, I've been saying for a few years that we need to replace our kitchen cabinets. The bad news is, at this very moment, there is a Camry in my lazy Susan. Or where it used to be, anyway."

"What?"

"Okay, I need to calm down." I heard my friend take a few shaky breaths in and blow them out slowly.

I took my swing and hit the ball, but had no idea where it went. I headed back to the golf cart, my mind racing.

"So apparently, Matt texted Alex and said I had asked them to move the car into the garage. When Alex got into the car and started pulling it into the garage, Matt jumped up from the back seat and scared the shit out of him."

"Oh. My. God. Are they ok? What happened?" I was standing behind the golf cart with my hand frozen on the grip of my driver which was halfway into my bag.

"They're fine. Alex stomped on the accelerator and the car jumped forward and is now in my kitchen. So, it looks as if we have a major rebuilding project on our hands. Exactly what I was hoping for right before I sent them off to college. It's perfect, actually, now that I think about it. I might start packing their bags now to calm myself down."

I got back in the cart and made my way toward where I thought the ball had gone. "What do the boys have to say for themselves?" I asked as I began my fruitless search.

"They're smart enough to have been mostly silent for the last half an hour. As soon as I heard the loud crash, I instantly knew it had something to do with them. When I ran downstairs and saw the front of the boys' Camry sticking out of my kitchen wall, I almost lost it right there. I think they knew at that point that they had definitely taken things too far because I just stood there staring at them through the windshield. Matt was speechless for once, and Alex looked like he was about to burst into tears.

"They have been sweeping and basically doing a bunch of nonsense that won't matter in a few days, but I think they're trying to keep busy so I don't drop them off at the fire station or smother them in their sleep."

"I guess the good news is they leave for school in a matter of weeks. At that point, they'll be the resident assistant's problem. Assuming, of course, they don't destroy anything while they're there."

"Don't even talk like that. I'm really hoping this is what teaches them to finally rein in the pranks. I'm all for putting plastic wrap over the toilet lid and rubber bands around the spray handle in the sink and all of that. I've grown used to it, but now we've gotten to the point where they're doing major damage to our home, and I am over it."

"I don't blame you one bit. I'm feeling a teensy bit guilty that I have been such a terrible influence with the pranks. It started out as a good way for me to bond with them, but I can see they have taken it way too far in the last few months."

"Don't blame yourself. They're old enough to know better."

"I don't even know what else to say, Kari. Have you spoken with anyone about what all of this is going to entail?"

"Well, I immediately called our insurance agent, and I'll be surprised if they don't drop us after this. They told me to get some quotes from a few construction companies and send them over. In the meantime, our house is uninhabitable.

"They will cover a hotel stay for us until the repairs are complete, but I'll be honest with you, there's zero chance I can be in a hotel room with these two right now. There's no way all four of us would come out alive. And I just replaced the kitchen appliances. I cannot believe this."

"Why don't you stay with me? I've got plenty of room."

Kari was silent for a moment. Only measured breathing could be heard from her end.

"While that sounds like boatloads of fun, you'd need to really consider all sides of that scenario, Paige. You have to concentrate on your work, and you're trying to write a book, and you've got your own things going on right now. I don't think it's the best idea for my entire family to be underfoot 24/7."

Fair point. I do like my kitchen the way it is. Sans car.

"Why don't you make some calls so you can get the estimates started, and we can catch up later tonight." I realized I'd been sitting next to my ball in the fairway for the last few minutes and looked behind me to make sure I wasn't holding anyone up, then got out of the cart, grabbed a club, and swung. The ball sailed into the rough along the right of the fairway, missing a sand trap by inches. "We'll figure it all out together. We always do, right?"

"What time is it? Two o'clock? Dammit, it's too early to open a bottle of wine."

"It's never too early for that when there are teenagers involved, but maybe get your calls done first. Look at me being the voice of reason."

"Terrifying. Ok, I'm going to go, but I'll catch up with you later, and I don't know, maybe I'll crash at your place tonight."

"No pun intended, I hope. But, yay. Sleepover. Actually, just head over now if you want to make phone calls from my house. Let yourself in and shut the alarm off, and I'll be home after my round. I'm on the third hole, and it's pretty slow here, so I imagine I'll be home by five at the latest."

"I might do that. I can't even look at these two right now, and I can't concentrate on what I need to do next with a Camry sticking out of my kitchen wall. I'll see you in a few hours."

A small laugh escaped in response to the mental picture she'd painted, but I instantly realized the error of my ways. "I don't mean to laugh. It's… well, when it's not my house, it's funny."

"Be careful what you wish for because they might be living at your house."

"I'm not worried. They're probably going to tone it down a bit now that they've realized their actions have real consequences."

"Yeah, we'll see about that. Ok, get back to your round, and I'll see you when you get home. I'll be the one on the porch with the giant wine glass in my hand."