Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Paisley

I think I was stirring the sauce for like twenty hours before Emberlynn jumped out of nowhere into my kitchen, saying something and scaring the life out of me, so it was really only fair that I threw the spoon at her. She dodged, the spoon clattering on the table behind her, and she shot me a wild look.

“Jesus, woman, did you not hear the door—”

I threw a second spoon for good measure. She caught it, the bastard.

“You cannot tell me you threw that one out of surprise.”

I stuck my tongue out. “What are you doing here, you creep?”

“Checking on you. The whole day, you haven’t burst into my house or climbed onto my balcony or thrown a boiled eggplant in through my window.”

“Look, the eggplant thing was one time. And it was hilarious.”

“You wasted a perfectly good eggplant.”

“It made great compost!”

She shook her head, waving me off. “So I guess I’m just making sure you’re not dead. Now that I see you’re not, I guess I’ll leave before you throw another spoon.”

I rolled my eyes dramatically, going back to the sauce. “Jeez, you’re the worst human being alive. Do you want to taste-test this sauce? It’s for pulled pork.”

At least I could count on Emberlynn to cook with me. That had always been one of our love languages, and it was one of the places where we felt the same now as we always had, where this weird unspoken gap between us disappeared. She tasted the sauce, and was immediately giving suggestions for what to add, and I barely got out the cabbage before she was helping me make coleslaw, too.

“If you want,” I said, once the food was just about ready, “you can take some for you and your boring loser girlfriend.”

“You mean your sister.”

“How many girlfriends do you have?”

She shook her head, smiling drily as she leaned against the frame to the dining room. “Yeah, I’ll grab some. Thanks, Pais. Er… are you cooking all this for yourself?”

“Nah. I’m bringing it over for me and Harps.”

She scrunched up her face. I put my hands on my hips.

“Oh my god, stop giving me that look! She’s my friend, you bozo!”

She still didn’t say anything. I huffed, turning back to where I was finishing tossing the meat in the sauce.

“Fine, I take it back. You and your lousy girlfriend get none of this food. It’s all for me and my friend, my platonic friend Harper who I am allowed to just hang out with normally.” Even though I’d made out with her earlier. I wasn’t thinking about that right now.

But Emberlynn, the little snot, didn’t say what I’d expected. “You know… I’d support you two if you got together.”

I tried to ignore the way my entire chest constricted until it felt like I’d pass out. I shot her a look. “Oh, yeah? So, what, you just disapprove of sex before getting together? Because I’ve got some terrible news about you and my sister that was terrible news for me to find out about too.”

She hung her head. “Please. It’s not that. Just… it was a surprise. And I’d thought it was a weird one-off. But after you did it again—”

“Hey, we just made out this time!”

She blinked. I put a hand over my mouth.

“I mean… that time.”

“Jesus Christ, Pais.” She put a hand to her forehead. “You did what?”

“Nothing! Made out… some… shapes in the clouds… we were watching clouds.”

“When was this?”

“Never! We never looked at clouds.” My face was burning.

“Oh my god.” She raked her hair back. She’d picked it up from Harper, now that I thought about it. I was suddenly seeing Harper everywhere. “Is that why Harper finally took a day off today?”

“No! I just thought she should have a day off—”

“You convinced her to take a day off?”

“Uh.” I blanked.

She put her hands on her hips. “And you went and made out with her.”

“No!”

“No?”

“Ugh, yes. Shut up! She didn’t want it anyway. I got rejected and shot down and now I feel like a rotten shitty loser and I don’t want to talk about it, you smug little butt. I’m bringing her food to try to smooth things out. Now go sit on a tack.”

She looked like I’d just dashed water over her face, blinking fast. “You… wait. What happened? You made out and she—what?”

“What part of don’t want to talk about it don’t you get, you clod?”

She put her hands up. “Okay, okay! I’m sorry. I’m… sorry.” She winced. “That sucks. A lot. If you need somewhere to crash, someone to yell at and cry on…”

I huffed, turning away. “God, put a sock in it. I’ve heard enough. If you take pity on me then I’ll… I’ll… I’ll turn into a porcupine and die.”

“A… porcupine?”

“It’s a figure of speech, dammit!”

She coughed lightly. “Oh, uh… of course it is.”

I slumped. “Um… thanks. I’ll let you know if I need to… you know.”

“Yeah. Anytime.”

Ugh. She was really good. And it was just me being weird that was making things… well, weird.

I felt like the world’s biggest loser heading out of the house and across the street, and dutifully, I trudged around to the back, the tiny brick courtyard lined with thin poplars and streetlamps, doors to all the residential lofts of the commercial block. Harper’s little secret neighborhood. She always had some drama about someone here—Steve always bringing the girl he was definitely cheating on his wife with into the shop, Fong always ticking off the neighbors by practicing her singing late at night. I wondered if Harper was going to tell any of them before she left, or if she’d just… disappear.

God, I hated this.

I tried Harper’s door, and she’d locked it, and there was no way I was climbing a tree with an armload of food, so I jimmied the window open and climbed through, taking the stairs up to the second floor and knocking on the doorframe into the living room. From the kitchen, I heard Harper jolt, banging something against the counter and muttering a curse.

“Paisley?” she called. “God dammit, that’s you, isn’t it?”

“I brought you dinner.”

“You did what?”

“Pulled pork sandwiches. With coleslaw! Potato salad, too.”

After a quiet second, I heard her trudging towards me, and she came around the corner, wearing a royal blue nightrobe tied at the waist, her hair a mess. I blinked as she gestured me into the living room.

“Sure… I was just getting hungry. Thanks. You could have tried texting me instead of breaking into my house.”

“Did you just take a nap?”

“Nope. Just wrapped myself up in bed to watch TV.”

“And you didn’t invite me?”

She sighed, turning away. I realized a little too late that it wasn’t the best thing to say when I’d already kissed her and gotten rejected earlier today. If she didn’t want to kiss me in her floating camper, she probably didn’t want to snuggle in bed together, either.

I really did want to snuggle her in bed, though. The thought was kind of scary.

Harper still didn’t say anything, so I filled the silence as I followed her into the kitchen. “So… uh… what were you watching?”

“What do you think? GBBO.”

“Do you ever watch it and just cringe at all the things you and you alone know they’re doing wrong?”

She laughed. “It’s not like I don’t cringe sometimes, but… mostly I watch it to turn off my brain and look at pretty desserts. Do you want something to drink with food? I’m not having any more alcohol today, but you can help yourself, I’ve got that pineapple shandy you like.”

Oh, god. Any more? I didn’t think she realized the slip, but I wallowed in the realization that I’d gotten her to go drink alone.

It hadn’t felt like anything serious at the time—I’d wanted to kiss her, so I had—but her pulling away made it seem realer, ass-backwards as it was. My whole life felt kind of ass-backwards right now. And the more time passed, the more I sat with it, the more the weight of it was strangulating.

Why did I keep wanting to kiss her? And why had she let me twice but not a third time? She’d said it was because she was leaving, but we could have sex again before she left. Or if she wanted something more—if she wanted me—then wouldn’t she… stay?

I realized I’d been quiet for just half a second too long, and I blurted the first thing to mind. “Orange juice.”

“Orange juice. I never know what to expect with you. Sure, you got it.”

I didn’t want orange juice. But here we were.

The food was good, and the orange juice was not my favorite, but at least Harper seemed to love the food. She remarked on the tenderness of the pork, how rich the sauce was, the snap of the coleslaw, and then all of a sudden looked like her pet had died in her arms, going quiet and picking at her food. I blinked.

“Uh… you good? If you suddenly just converted to Islam, I can totally swap out the pork for something else.”

“Not today, at least,” she said, her voice dry. “Sorry. Just… nothing. Forget it.”

“Hey. Tell me.”

She shook her head. “Seriously. It’s nothing.”

“You’re gonna tell little old Paisley, right?”

“You’re younger than me.”

“Ugh. One of these days I’m gonna be older than you.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Good luck with that, Pais.”

“So? You’re gonna tell little young Paisley, right?”

She sighed, falling back in her chair, looking out the window. “It’s nice of you to just… bring me food sometimes. Unprompted. Even if I wish you’d use the door. I, uh… I’m going to miss your cooking, is all.”

My throat felt tight, and I kicked at the floor. “Well, you could just not go. I mean, how can you pass up spending time with me?”

She closed her eyes, taking a long, shaky breath. “Sorry. I know it… sucks. For everyone. And I know I should tell everybody, but I… I will. When I’m ready.”

“What’s keeping you from being ready?”

“Look, I don’t know, Pais. I just know I… can’t, yet.”

I shifted forwards. “I can tell everyone for you.”

“Don’t,” she said, cutting in too quickly. Something flashed over her eyes. “Please.”

“Okay.” I slumped back in my seat. “Okay. Fine. But you cannot just put it off forever. If you don’t tell anyone before you go, then you’re not allowed to go. I’ll tie you down and make you stay.”

She forced a thin smile at me before she went back to the food. “I know. I’ll… I’ll do it. I promise.”

“You’d better,” I muttered, picking at my potato salad. She sighed.

“Hey… Paisley. I need to ask you something.”

“Thirty-three.”

“Thank you. That’s very helpful. Now that that’s settled, can I ask you another question?”

Damn. Looked like I wasn’t dodging it.  “Shoot.”

She coughed lightly. “Do you, um… Christ, this is harder than I thought.”

“Do you want to write it down and pass it to me all secret-agent style?”

“No…”

“Write it down and leave the room and I’ll read it once you’re not here?”

She sighed hard. “Paisley—why did you kiss me?”

“Oh. Uh.” I blanked, the only thing coming to my head how it had felt to kiss her. The fact that I wanted to kiss her again. “Because I… wanted to?”

“So you were just having fun.”

“Uh…” My face burned. I didn’t know why my heart was racing so hard. “Well… I’m sorry. I guess it’s polite to ask first.”

“It’s not that.”

“I, uh, I feel like I made things awkward.” I shifted. “We’re still going to do the bucket stuff, right?”

“Yeah, no, I mean…” She raked her fingers through her hair. “Paisley…”

I was so nervous I was going to be sick. Why? I had nothing to be this nervous about. It wasn’t like I was even picturing anything going wrong like I usually was when I felt like this, just… nervous. I wanted to beat my head on the wall like a conga drum. “What?” I said, finally.

“I’m trying to ask if it means anything, Paisley. You kissing me. That’s the third time. What’s it they say about threes?”

I blinked fast. “I think it means I wanted to kiss you three times.”

“God, you’re oblivious. Are you—do you have feelings for me, or are you just into casual sex together?”

I didn’t have a clue, but I felt like I don’t have a clue wasn’t a good answer. I swallowed. “I wasn’t trying to do anything serious. I just… wanted to.”

“So it was just that.”

This all was going to be easier if I just said yes. For her and for me. “Yeah. Um… are you mad at me?”

“No. I’m not. Just… I don’t think we should be doing that.”

It shouldn’t have hurt nearly as much as it did. This was just a fun thing, just a game we got to play. It felt like I’d gotten stabbed through the gut. I forced myself to smile. “Yeah? You said I was hot, though.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake.” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “I… did say that. It’s not that I don’t like… doing that with you. Just that I don’t think we… should be.”

“Why not?” I’d tried for a casual, easygoing tone. I didn’t recognize the quiver in it.

“Because…” she started, weighing every syllable carefully. “I’m leaving here soon, and I’m trying to be… less attached. Not more attached.”

I didn’t get it, but I was too tired now to keep asking questions. It felt like I’d worked out every muscle I had until I was collapsed on the floor. I took the tiniest forkful of potato salad, just to have something to do with my hands. “So… should I not dress up and stuff?”

“No, I want you to be able to do that. I know this is an important thing for you.”

I mumbled so quietly I could barely hear it myself. “I don’t want to cause you any problems and stuff.”

“It’s not like that.”

“I didn’t buy that new mascara anyway. I can just not buy it.”

“No, I—want to see you in it.” She pursed her lips, a flush of pink spreading over her cheeks. “I… I know getting to dress up this morning was good for you. And I…” She shrugged, looking away. “Hell, I don’t know. Maybe I just want to leave a positive imprint when I leave. Help you be happy in who you are so that I leave something good behind.”

My eyes burned suddenly. I wanted to grab onto her and tell her not to go, that she absolutely was not allowed to go and leave me heartbroken, but…

I sucked in a sharp breath. I wasn’t going to be weird.

“Let’s do something tonight, then,” I said, and she jerked up from the food, meeting my gaze.

“Do what?”

“You tell me. What’s next on the bucket agenda?”

“The bucket agenda… you know I need to be asleep before long, right? I’m open tomorrow.”

“Yeah, so tell me quick.”

She shook her head. “I don’t know… can’t we do it another day?”

“Not when you’re leaving soon. We’ll pick something best done at night.”

She shrugged. “Go up to Arden Park and stargaze? That’s—” She frowned. “That’s probably tacky. We can do—”

“Great!” I stood up, banging my legs on the table, and Harper jumped. “We’re doing that tonight. I’m going to go get ready right now.”

“Oh my god, will you sit still for one second?”

“Me? Absolutely not. Catch you here in a bit, you clown.”

“Paisley, your food—”

“Bring it to the park.” I marched away from the table.

“The stairs are that way—”

“I always wanted to try this,” I said, and before she could be a spoilsport and tell me to stop, I threw open the window and hoisted myself out onto the thick tree branch that ran past it. Behind me, I heard Harper clattering up from her chair, but I climbed down to the ground, touching down deftly, and I turned back to shoot Harper a thumbs-up as she leaned out the window looking down at me before I took off for the town center.