Chapter 21

Twenty-One

Everly

I ’d been off-kilter since I’d heard Lola was delivering her baby. I wasn’t sure what it meant for me and Harrison. A crazy part of me wondered if it brought back memories for Harrison of them having Wren. Did he have any lingering affection for her?

Logically, I knew I was being crazy. They’d never dated or been in a relationship. According to Harrison, it was a one-night stand.

But I couldn’t stop my mind from racing from one possibility to the other. What if the judge decided Lola’s family was more established and Wren got to stay with them? Would Harrison cut me loose because he wouldn’t need me anymore? It was hard to believe that I was enough for someone to stay.

The good thing was that Wren had been with us a lot. Lola wanted to take her home that first Monday when Wren met the baby, Duncan, but Lola was exhausted, so Harrison offered to keep her. Apparently, George hadn’t taken any leave from his job, so Lola was on her own. I felt for her, but she’d made her choices, and I was happy to see Wren more often.

Harrison appeared in my office doorway. “I talked to Jackson.”

“Oh? How did that go?” My heart thumped inside my chest.

“He thinks we should file next week. We’ve given her a few weeks to adjust to having a new baby, and Wren is here all the time.”

“Shouldn’t we keep things like they are? We’re seeing Wren almost all the time.” I was afraid of the worst-case scenarios that ran through my head.

“He thinks it would be best to act now. Strike while she’s down, so to speak. She’s overwhelmed and might be more amenable to agreeing to a change.”

“Whatever you think is best.” At the end of the day, this was Harrison’s decision. Wren was his daughter.

Harrison ran a hand through his hair, his tell when he was upset. “Jackson said Lola might be upset when she’s served with the papers.”

“Should you talk to her about it first?” I wasn’t sure if that would make it better, though.

“We’ve had numerous discussions about it. It’s always me asking for more time and her saying no. I don’t think she’ll act without a court case looming.”

“Okay.” I trusted his judgment as this was his decision to make.

“What do you think?” Harrison rested a shoulder against the doorframe.

“I think we should do whatever Jackson recommends and what you feel is right.”

Harrison shifted on his feet. “I need to do this. Wren wants me to.”

“I think you need to do it then. What will happen after she’s served?”

“A hearing will be scheduled. There’s a period where the attorneys exchange information. I can’t remember the legal name for it. But it can be a whole lot of hurry up and wait. That’s how Jackson described it, anyway.”

I stood and moved around my desk, needing to be close to him. “Whatever happens, I’m here for you. You know that, right?”

Harrison had been distant. I knew part of it was that Wren was living with us almost full time, and we didn’t have much time alone. But it felt like something else was bothering him. Was he questioning his decision to propose?

“I’m worried that I’m making the wrong decision. That this will screw up everything.”

“Wren wants you to do this. You want this. I don’t think it’s the wrong decision. You’ve hired a professional, and this is what he’s telling you needs to happen. All you can do is listen.”

“I’m just second-guessing myself, and I shouldn’t. I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t try.”

“When you first came to me with the idea of me being your girlfriend, you said you’d do whatever it took.”

“And nothing’s changed.” Harrison touched my shoulder before walking away.

I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d meant our relationship was still a placeholder, one he was using to impress a judge. I hated thinking like that. I’d wanted to move away from my mom’s negativity, but it slipped in when I was doubting myself.

For the next week and a half, Harrison was on edge. We were waiting for the paperwork to be served, and Harrison was worried about Lola’s reaction. Would she pull back? Would she demand Wren go back to her house?

We were worried but trying to keep it from Wren. She was worried about adjusting to a baby brother and her mother not loving her anymore. As much as we loved having her here, it wasn’t without its complications.

Harrison found a therapist for Wren to see so she could talk through her feelings about her parents living apart and Duncan. I thought it was a good move, and he never mentioned that it was to look a certain way for the judge. He was genuinely worried about Wren. He was a good dad, but no matter what I said to him lately, he didn’t seem to take it in.

It was like he was so wound up he couldn’t listen to anyone else. Now that I was done working my day job, I was at home most of the time unless I was meeting with Gia, the other wedding planners, or a client.

A couple of weeks after he filed the papers, we got a call from Jackson that Lola had been served at home.

When Harrison went to pick up Wren from school for his weekend, the front office informed him that her mother had already picked her up early. Harrison was stunned that they hadn’t adhered to the custody agreement we’d filed with them, but we’d been going outside the agreement the last few weeks.

“What I don’t understand is why she took her out of school early. They said she didn’t say she was sick, didn’t visit the nurse, and there wasn’t a planned doctor’s visit. Lola just showed up and said she needed to take her.”

“Is that even allowed?” I asked as my stomach plummeted.

Harrison gripped the back of his neck. “I have no idea.”

“What did Jackson say?”

“He said we could file an emergency motion for custody, but he thinks we should wait and see if she brings her back over the weekend.”

“There’s Saturday’s basketball practice, and you get her on Wednesday.”

A muscle ticked in his jaw. “I don’t like this.”

“Neither do I.” I tried to massage his shoulders, but they were tight. Too tense for me to loosen. “You need to relax.”

Harrison jumped up. “I don’t think there’s a code for this sort of thing. A list of directions on how to handle it.”

“Of course, there isn’t.” I held out my hands like I was trying to soothe a spooked horse.

Harrison paced back and forth in front of the couch and abruptly stopped to face me. “You’ve never been through something like this. Your father didn’t want you, remember?”

Your father didn’t want you . I flinched at his harsh words. I licked my lips before I said carefully, “You’re just lashing out. You don’t mean that.”

Harrison ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what I mean anymore. I’m just—I can’t handle the not knowing. Will she let me see Wren again? Did I screw everything up by filing? Should I have left it alone?”

I wasn’t sure what to say or how to answer him. And I was still stuck on his hurtful but true words. My father hadn’t wanted me. No one ever would. I was a nuisance. I wasn’t helping him. I was hindering him. Before I could fall into that negative spiral, one my mom would have encouraged me to go on, I pulled myself together, lifted the tattered pieces of my pride, and straightened my spine.

I wanted to support Harrison, but I needed space too. Maybe it would be good for me to take some time away. Go back to my apartment. “I should go.”

His forehead wrinkled. “Why?”

“I want to be here for you, but you won’t let me. You’ve been distant for weeks.” At night, he slipped into bed late, waking my body up with his mouth and his hands. It was the only thing nurturing our connection. Especially after what he’d just said. He knew it would cut me to the quick, but then, had he been thinking at all? Or did he want to push me away?

“That’s what a relationship is. Being there for the ups and the downs.”

“Is that what we have? A relationship? It started out as a fake, remember? Is it real now? I don’t know what to think, and frankly, it’s driving me crazy.” It felt good to say my worries out loud.

Harrison’s face screwed up in disgust. “You’re going to leave at the first sign of trouble, just like your dad. I should have known you wouldn’t stick around. You’re just like him.”

No one had ever accused me of that before, but then, I’d never let anyone in like I had Harrison. And it hurt like a knife to my heart. I couldn’t draw in a breath through the stabbing pain. When I could finally speak, I said quietly, “I’m nothing like him.”

But I wasn’t so sure.

Harrison shook his head. “Keep telling yourself that while you walk away.”

I looked over his shoulder, not really seeing anything. “I don’t know why my father left.”

“Maybe you should find out.”

“Maybe I should.” Logically, I knew Harrison’s words had nothing to do with me, but fuck, did it hurt. Harrison never let things get to him like this, but Lola had taken Wren on his weekend. He was scared. Hurt. Afraid he’d never see Wren again. I understand why he was lashing out, but why did it have to be at me, and why wasn’t he retracting his words? Apologizing for the hurt he’d caused?

It was hard to separate his words from the pain behind them.

Harrison pointed at the door. “Just leave.”

I wasn’t sure what to do. I was torn between my instinct and his criticism. I didn’t want to be my dad, and I didn’t think I was, but a small part of me worried I was.

“If that’s what you want.” For the first time, my eyes stung with unshed tears.

His palm came to his chest. “It’s not what I want. It’s what you said you were going to do.”

I stood, feeling unsteady on my feet. “I want to let you know I’m not leaving for good. I just think we both need a bit of space. Maybe it will give both of us perspective on the situation.” I was hoping to bring some logic to the situation.

“Lola took Wren.” Harrison let his words hang in the air for a few seconds before he added softer, “I don’t know if she’ll ever give her back.”

My throat tightened. “We don’t know that.”

He gripped the back of his neck, his gaze on the floor. “I screwed up. I asked for too much.”

“You asked for what Wren wanted. You fought for her. You did the right thing.”

Harrison sank onto the couch, dropping his head into his hands. “It sure doesn’t feel like it.”

I didn’t know what to do because Harrison was always the one to pull me out of funks, never the other way around. He always looked at the bright side.

“It will be okay.”

Harrison leaned back on the couch, resting his head on the back and spreading his legs wide. I wanted to comfort him, but he’d told me to leave. “I’ll give you the space you need.”

He waved a hand at me. “Do what you need to do.”

I couldn’t get his words out of my head. My father didn’t want me, and Harrison didn’t either. I was a burden to everyone around me. I was never enough.

“I’m not leaving for good. I just need some air.” Some space. Clarity.

“Whatever you have to tell yourself.”

“It will be okay,” I repeated, more to myself than him. He wasn’t listening.

He grunted, disbelief evident in his tone as he closed his eyes.

I knew he was spiraling. He was scared, and I wanted to be there for him, but he’d created this chasm between us with his words. And I needed to escape, to tend to my wounds in private, in the comfort of my apartment.

“I’m so sorry, Harrison,” I whispered as I grabbed my purse and walked out. My heart was breaking for him and for me. I bled for the little girl inside me who asked her mother why her daddy was gone and if he was ever coming back. Each time I did, my mother would ask why I cared, he clearly hadn’t wanted me. I learned quickly not to ask. To harden my heart against him.

But as I drove to my apartment across town, took the steps to the door, and opened it, I wondered if it was time to get the answers from the source.

The questions swirled in my head. Why did you leave? Why did you want a new family when you already had one? Was I not good enough? I sounded pathetic.

I sat on the couch, not opening the blinds or a window, letting the musty, unused smell permeate my nose and skin. Harrison’s words played on repeat in my head, and I let the feelings in, his words slicing my heart into ribbons. My father’s abandonment was fresh all over again. I let the pain in while the tears slid unchecked down my cheeks.

It was too much. No wonder I’d never sat with my feelings like this before. I pulled my knees to my chest and rocked as the sobs broke through.

I couldn’t go to my mother. I couldn’t talk to Harrison. I was alone. My rock, the one who’d been there since the beginning, didn’t think I was worth it anymore.

It took a while, but the tears dried, and my muscles loosened until I rested limply on the cushions. My stomach hurt like I’d done an ab workout, and my head throbbed. I felt hot and cold. I needed a shower. Something to wake me up. To reset my mood.

Suddenly, everything was brighter, more in focus. I stood, pulling open the blinds and opening the windows, even though it was cold outside. I wanted to air out the apartment, but I also wanted to feel something. The floor under my feet, the crispness of the air, the water.

I peeled off my clothes and stepped into the cool water of the shower. I wanted to be present with my feelings. I didn’t want to hide anymore or pretend they didn’t exist. What my father did and Harrison’s words, they hurt.

With each stab of fresh pain, I felt stronger. I was finally living my life. I wasn’t hiding from it. I needed answers. I needed to talk to my dad. I quickly washed, dried off, and got dressed. What did one wear to confront their father and his new children—my siblings? That realization took me back a step. I knew he had other kids, but I’d never thought of them as my siblings.

Maybe because my mother said they weren’t. That they were nothing to me. But they were innocent. I had a younger sister and brother. They were half my blood. I wasn’t alone.

Maybe they’d want nothing to do with me. Maybe they didn’t even know about me. That thought brought me up short. I didn’t want to ruin whatever happy family they had.

But I deserved answers.

I’d checked my father out online many times and had his physical address memorized. It was too late to drive to his house tonight, but I got into bed knowing I’d go first thing in the morning. I just hoped I wasn’t making a huge mistake.