Chapter 25

Twenty-Five

Abby

S hortly after the bus pulled away from the curb, Brooke arrived with a plastic bag from the pharmacy.

Rushing inside, she said, “I got a variety of tests. So we’ll be sure.”

“You know, I’ve never seen a positive test. The doctor did a blood test after the fertility treatments.” Then the nurse called us with the results. That was somehow better than taking any more at-home pregnancy tests.

“Do you want to keep that streak going?”

Her question hit like a blow to my stomach. I hadn’t even thought about being happy with the results. All I could think about was how hard everything was when I did it by myself the first time. “This isn’t how I imagined this going.”

“I know, sweetie.” She wrapped an arm around my shoulders as I teared up.

“I thought I’d be in a relationship this time. We’d be married and settled. We’d plan the pregnancy and be ecstatic when it happened.”

“That’s what you had with Seth and look what happened.”

“Being married and planning out your life doesn’t guarantee happiness, but I hadn’t imagined taking a test with my sister. No offense.”

“None taken. I’m sorry these are the circumstances. It’s shitty all around. Is Nick seriously leaving?”

I let out a breath, my stomach in knots as I stared at the boxes of pregnancy tests strewn on the counter. “That’s what it sounded like on the phone last night.”

“He told you over the phone?”

“To his credit, I think he was distracted with everything going on and was just letting everything out. He wasn’t exactly thinking about me. Besides, we didn’t have a relationship. We had rules and parameters.”

“That were broken.”

“Something like that.”

“You ready to find out if you’re going to be a momma for the second time?”

It hit me, then, how I might have been going through treatments with Seth but I’d been alone even then. He’d been pulling away, and I just was so consumed with getting pregnant that I hadn’t realized. At least Nick was upfront with me about his feelings.

“Let’s do this,” I told her.

We took a few of the boxes to the bathroom, where we thoroughly read the directions. I was just putting off the inevitable. My stomach was in knots. My palms were sweaty, and I felt a little light-headed.

“How have you been feeling?”

“My stomach feels weird. Not nauseous or anything. But it’s exactly how I felt when I was pregnant with Hunter. But I’ve been wrong before.” I’d convinced myself I was pregnant many times while we were trying, only to be disappointed.

What did I want the outcome to be? Did I want a baby with Nick? The truth was if we were in a relationship and settled, I’d be overjoyed. I loved being pregnant. The anticipation, the love. Sure, taking care of a baby was hard work, but if you had someone by your side, it made everything more manageable.

But Nick was leaving. I’d be doing it alone.

“Have you told him yet?” Brooke asked.

“I wanted to wait until I knew for sure.” What would be the point if I wasn’t pregnant? He was still leaving. It changed nothing. Not that I wanted him to stay if the test was positive.

“It’s okay to ask for what you need.”

My gaze flew to Brooke’s gentle gaze. “He’s leaving.”

“So, what if this test is positive? You’re going to let him go?”

“I know better than anyone that you can’t control other people. I don’t want to force him to stay.”

“You wouldn’t be forcing him. Be honest with how you’re feeling. That you like him. That it isn’t an arrangement for you anymore.”

“I’m scared. What if he says he doesn’t feel the same way? What if it doesn’t matter? He needs to protect Brody. He comes first.”

“He should make an informed decision. He needs to know how you feel.”

“Should I take this thing?” I asked, picking up one of the boxes and ripping it open. I didn’t want to talk about feelings or Nick anymore. I wanted to know what my future was going to look like. Would I be a single mom of two kids?

I tried to imagine going through everything again, that time alone during the pregnancy. It wasn’t a good feeling. I had Brooke and Ben. But I wanted more. I didn’t want to think about what Brooke said—that I should ask for what I want.

Because what I wanted was Nick, Brody, and Hunter.

“I’ll give you privacy. Call me if you need me.” She hugged me before she walked out.

I was lucky to have her and Ben. They’d be there for me. I read the directions one more time even though I’d done it a billion times before. Then I followed the instructions and sat on the floor to wait.

A soft knock sounded on the door. “You want company?”

“Please.”

Brooke came inside and sat on the floor next to me.

I wasn’t truly alone. I had people who’d support me. My friends, my family, and the women at Happily Ever Afters. Plus, I’d done it before. I knew what to expect.

Brooke bumped my shoulder with hers. “Is it time?”

“Probably.” But I couldn’t bring myself to stand up or to look at the results.

“You want me to do the honors?”

“Yeah, I think that would be good.” The numbness that had taken over me while I waited gave way to butterflies in my stomach. My life might change forever. But the change wouldn’t be as big as last time. Because I had people who had my back. I could ask for help this time. I could ask Nick to stay.

If he said no, that was on him. I couldn’t control anyone, but I could ask for what I wanted. I was stronger. More prepared to take on anything.

I tried to imagine a little girl with Nick’s hair and eyes. My heart contracted as Brooke stood.

“You’re pregnant.” Her voice was hesitant as if she wasn’t sure how I’d take the news.

The air rushed from my lungs, leaving me feeling oddly happy. A little girl or a little boy who looked like Nick. Hunter would be happy to finally have a sibling. He’d protect them. Play with them. It would be different than last time.

“I need to tell him before he leaves.”

“You need to talk.”

I stood to see the two pink lines that made everything real. “I’m going to be a mom again.”

It was hard to believe I’d gotten pregnant naturally, that I was staring at a positive pregnancy test, but I was. I always said I’d be ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant, regardless of the circumstances. I tried for so long to have Hunter, and the new baby came so easily. Like he or she was meant to be part of our lives and was just waiting for the right time.

Brooke rested a hand on my shoulder. “Are you happy?”

There was something about having Nick’s baby that felt good. “Yeah. I am.”

“I’m glad.” She enveloped me in a hug. “Whatever happens, we’ll be here for you.”

“I know you will.”

“You want to get breakfast? Or do you want to be alone?”

“I think I need to be alone. Figure out my next steps. Thanks for being here.” I couldn’t imagine doing it by myself. I had a feeling I would have just left the tests sitting there. I wouldn’t have touched them.

“That’s what sisters are for.” She hugged me again, and I soaked up her love.

Brooke was special. She’d been there for me since Hunter was little. When she left, I waited for the feelings to hit me, but I felt light, happy, and even hopeful for the future. Hunter would be excited. My parents would be pleased they’d be getting another grandchild. Sure, I worried about how I’d manage the business with another little one, but I couldn’t be upset that there a miracle of life was growing inside me.

I called Nick, knowing we needed to have the conversation in person. When he answered, I said, “Can we talk?”

He hesitated, so I added, “It’s not about our relationship or trying to change your mind. Something else has happened that we need to discuss.”

“Yeah, okay.”

I couldn’t read anything into his tone. If he was annoyed to hear from me. Or reluctant to talk.

“I’ll come by you. If that’s okay?” I didn’t want to be in my house where he could walk out. I wanted to be the one who left.

“Sure.”

“I’ll be right over.” It didn’t escape my attention that we were normally together in my house. I wanted a different location. One without so many memories. I’d only been at his house once or twice. And the most important thing was, I’d walk out when the conversation was over. I wouldn’t let a guy have that power over me again.

I’d tell him the news, and he could do whatever he wanted with it. On the drive over, I felt numb. The happiness about the pregnancy had faded because I was so worried how Nick would react. Would he think I was trying to manipulate him into staying in town? Would he be happy or upset? Had he ever considered having kids?

We’d never had that discussion. It was so different than how it was with Seth and look how that had ended. We did everything right, and he had still walked away. The baby was unplanned and possibly unwanted by the father. A pit formed in my stomach.

I wanted the baby, but what if he didn’t? What if he saw it as an albatross around his neck? He didn’t like being tied down or stuck in one place.

By the time I pulled up to his house, I was filled with anxiety. I couldn’t seem to calm myself. Before I could knock on the door, Nick opened it.

“Come in.”

“Thanks.” My lips felt frozen.

I walked inside with my arms wrapped around my middle. We sat on the couch in the living room. I’d never been in that room. It was more formal than the family room.

“You want to talk.”

“I have news. It came as a surprise to me. You have to know; I didn’t think it was possible. After everything Seth and I went through, I never thought—” I broke off, wondering why I’d brought up Seth.

“What’s going on?” Nick asked, his brow furrowed.

There was no point in tiptoeing around the truth. I’d just tell him and get it over with. “I’m pregnant.”

His eyes widened. “Wow. That one time.”

“I didn’t think it was a possibility. I mean, it was so hard before.”

“I get that.”

“But I want this baby. Hunter will be excited to be a big brother. He’s been asking me for a sibling. It’s okay if it’s not what you wanted. We never discussed it. I’m not asking you for anything.”

Nick cleared his throat. “Maybe you should.”

“What?”

“Maybe you should ask for what you want and need.”

I shook my head slowly. “I don’t know how to respond to that. I just wanted to tell you what was going on and give you time to process things.”

I stood and edged toward the door, ready to make my escape. I’d carefully numbed myself to his reaction, not wanting to feel anything. I’d been careful not to look at his face, not wanting to see his panic, his disappointment, or whatever else I might find there.

“Abby.”

“Yeah?” I reluctantly turned to face him.

“What do you want?”

“I want this baby.” I knew that without a doubt, but I wasn’t sure what he was getting at.

“How involved do you want me to be?”

It felt like a test. One I would surely fail with my history. “However you want to be.”

“Are you sure? You don’t want me to be the dad you’ve always wanted for your kids?”

“I mean, that sounds great in theory.” But I’d experienced reality.

He stood in front of me, his gaze searching my face for something. “What do you need from me?”

“I don’t know about need, but I hope you’re okay with it, and you’re happy.”

“If everything was perfect, how do you imagine a pregnancy going with me as the father?”

My eyes drifted shut as he fingers came to my shoulders. His hands grounded me.

“I’d want you to be at the doctor’s appointments, helping me plan a nursery, the birth. Picking out strollers and clothes. I see you by my side.” My voice was soft.

My eyes met his as he said, “Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.”

“How do you feel about this? You haven’t said.”

“You were wound so tight I was afraid you’d break.”

“I’m okay now.” His insistence on me visualizing the future had softened something inside me.

“I’m surprised, but I’m happy. I want this with you. I want a future, a home, a family. I love you,” he said.

I blinked. “You do?”

“That’s what I was trying to say that night when you stayed in my guest room. I guess I didn’t do a very good job. I love you. I panicked the other day when I heard Austin would be speaking to the media. I fell back into old habits. But I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to stay and plan a future with you.”

“Is this because I’m pregnant?”

“Not just because of that. I talked to Ethan. Got some things straight in my head.”

Emotions swirled in my gut. He loved me. “I wasn’t sure I could tell you how I felt. I worried you’d think I was only telling you because I’m pregnant.”

“I wouldn’t believe that of you. You can be honest with me.”

I took a deep breath and let out everything I’d been thinking the last couple of days. “I love you too, and when you pushed me away the other night, I thought it was too late. That you didn’t feel the same. Or that it didn’t matter because Brody comes first. I completely understand that.”

“Don’t you see? This changes everything.”

“But I don’t want my pregnancy to change anything. I don’t want you to change your mind because of my situation if leaving is what’s best for Brody.”

“Your pregnancy isn’t a situation. You’re carrying our child, and I couldn’t be happier and more excited for the future.”

It was like he was saying everything I’d ever imagined a man would say in that situation. But I’d been burned before. “How can I trust that?”

My voice broke.

He stepped closer, cupping my cheeks. “I have to earn your trust. I think we both know actions speak louder than words.”

I wanted to ask how he planned to do that, but I was too scared to hope for something different.

“I know you don’t trust me yet. And that if you were on your way, I blew it the other night on the phone. But I’m asking you to give me a chance to prove it to you.”

“I want to give that to you.” But something was holding me back.

He took a step backward, his hands dropping away. “I have some work to do.”

I wanted to grab his hands and pull him to me, but I couldn’t. I needed something more than words.

“I’m going to show you that I’ll be there for you. All you have to do is feel my love and support.”

In a perfect world, we’d be talking about how the future would look, doctor’s appointments, where we’d live, how we’d manage work, but I wasn’t sure we were there yet. “That sounds so easy.”

“I know it might not be for you, and that’s okay. I’m a patient man.” His voice was sure. Confident.

He was happy I was pregnant. He wanted the child. He’d quit the minors to help Austin take care of Brody. I couldn’t say he didn’t know what he was getting himself into. He did. He seemed sincere, and I had no reason to doubt him, other than his declaration that he was leaving town.

“Are you still planning to move?”

His expression fell slightly. “I need to talk to Brody and Austin. But now, I don’t want to leave you.”

He was conflicted. He wanted to do what was best for Brody and me. But how could I ask him to stay if it wasn’t the right decision for Brody?

My heart broke all over again. I should have known it was too good to be true. I couldn’t handle the what ifs. My mind fell back on what happened with Seth—he’d walked away. Hadn’t I learned this lesson?

I moved toward the door, the familiar cold shell closing around my heart. “Let me know when you have the answers.”

“Abby, I want to be there for you. This isn’t whatever you’re thinking. I have some things to work out first.”

“I understand. There’s more to think about besides myself.”

“You’re right. There’s our baby to think of.” He moved closer to cover my stomach with his hand. “I can’t believe there’s a tiny person in there.”

“He or she is a peanut at this point.” I smiled at him, forgetting my worries for a few seconds.

Something passed between us. An understanding, a promise—something I’d always longed for but was too afraid to think was possible for me.

Could I have it all if I just let go? Could I have love and a man by my side?

Nick moved closer resting his forehead on mine. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Then he stepped back. Not kissing me or touching me again. “Take care. Let me know if you or the baby need anything.”

He seemed to soften whenever he spoke about our baby. It gave me hope.

Whatever he needed to take care of needed to come before we had any further discussion about us or our baby. Or at least that’s what it seemed.