Chapter 19

Nineteen

Abby

E ven though I was worried we’d fallen asleep the other day and almost missed the boys coming home, it didn’t stop us from meeting up every afternoon. The only difference was, he worked on the financials before we explored each other’s bodies.

He mentioned we’d forgotten to use a condom that one day. I wasn’t worried because I’d gone through so much to get pregnant with Hunter. There was zero chance I’d get pregnant from one slip. We were still careful, though.

I think Nick used work as an excuse to stop over. I didn’t mind. It was the most amazing sex I’d had in years.

I felt light, happy, and content. It was such a foreign feeling, I found myself literally floating through the days, excited for the next time I’d see him. I was starting to crave his touch. He made me feel cared for and cherished, even if it was only a temporary arrangement.

I tried not to think about the terms of our deal—friends with benefits but no emotional entanglement—because I worried that I’d violated the second one. I felt so much. I wasn’t sure if it was love or lust, but I was consumed with Nick.

I looked forward to seeing him every afternoon, and I enjoyed watching him interact with the kids at practice. I was falling for him a little more each day.

He’d organized my paperwork and started a cash flow spreadsheet that was eye opening. I had no idea how much money was going in and out of my business. I was so consumed with editing the photos, client meetings, and events, the financial piece had entirely fallen to the wayside.

I was grateful for everything Nick was doing. But I knew he was looking for a way for me to hire help, and I was resistant to the idea.

One afternoon a couple of weeks after he first came over, we were lying in bed, feeling lazy. I was enjoying the feel of Nick’s bare shoulder and his skin under me.

“Why don’t you want to hire help?” he asked softly, his lips in my hair.

I stiffened, trying to sift through my thoughts on it. “It’s a big step.”

“Why don’t you break it down for me,” Nick said, his arm tightening around me.

I let out a breath. “What if I can’t pay someone, or they’re unreliable? What if they’re competent, then they stop showing up? What if I get used to the help, and they find another job?”

The questions poured out of me.

“Those are all natural concerns when you hire an employee for the first time. And it’s possible you won’t get the right person the first time. But I think it’s important that you try. You need the help.”

“Can I afford it?” I held my breath waiting for his reply.

“You can get someone part-time. Maybe to assist with the events themselves.”

“That will be the hard part. Getting someone to work weekends.”

“Surely there’s a college student who wants part-time work but doesn’t want to work retail.”

I shifted, so I could see his face. “That’s not a bad idea. I could advertise at the college.”

“I outlined what you could pay someone. It’s a range, so whatever you feel comfortable spending.”

“It’s so scary to hire someone when I could do the work myself.”

“The point is, it goes smoother when someone’s there to carry your equipment, to pose the clients. You can focus more on what you do best. Finding the best lighting and angle.”

I smiled at him. “You’ve been listening to me.”

“Of course I have. I’m interested in what you have to say.”

My ex thought my business was a hobby at best. He never took it seriously. He wanted me to keep my office job and be miserable with the hours and the work I was doing. Photography was my passion, and I loved the freedom having my own business afforded me.

“The reality is that you won’t be able to expand until you take this next step. You have to be ready for your business to grow. You need more employees.”

“That’s an interesting idea.” I’d never thought about it that way.

“You have to be ready and willing to grow with your business. That means taking risks.”

I frowned. “It’s scary.”

“I wouldn’t tell you to do it if you couldn’t afford it. The money’s there.”

“I had a general idea, but looking at your cash flow sheet, I can see the raw numbers. I know I was operating on feelings before and not the numbers.”

“I hear that a lot. People are surprised that one thing is selling more than they thought.”

I fell silent, thinking about what I needed to do to hire someone. College kids might be more reliable and eager to work weekends and evenings. They’d go with the flow and wouldn’t mind the hours.

I thought about what it would be like to have more time. What tasks I could assign to an employee.

“If you’re too busy to take on more clients and events, then you won’t be able to earn more money.”

“I want to make more money.” There was Hunter’s college to think about. I longed for financial stability, a big savings account for emergencies, paying off the credit card debt from opening the business. Was it finally within reach?

“Have you thought about selling your other photographs. The nature ones? I saw there are sites online where you could post your prints. They ship and frame them for you.”

“I haven’t looked into it. I’ve been focusing on the weddings.”

“If you enjoy taking the nature photos, it would allow you to monetize it.”

“I like that idea.” For the first time in a long time, I felt hopeful about the business instead of worried and stressed. The business could provide for us, support us. I could work less and earn more.

“It’s another source of income. A passive one. You don’t need to meet with clients or attend events. You post it on the site, and it sells itself. Or you can create your own shop on your website and sell directly. There are printing places you can partner with that will handle the printing and shipping, so you don’t have to.”

“I love the idea of selling things without my direct involvement.”

“If you go the direct sales route, you’ll need to hire someone to create the shop for your site. But after it’s set up, it works for you. You can sell prints in your sleep all over the world.”

I loved the idea of people mounting my framed prints on the wall. And not just wedding pictures, the nature ones. I loved that even more.

“Down the road, you could create a coffee table book of your photographs.”

“Now you’re getting ridiculous.”

“Why not? If you focused on local birds and Annapolis scenery, you could sell it locally to tourists. I’m sure the shop owners would want to support a local business owner.”

The businesses were supportive of each other. They even had a group that met monthly to discuss business and goings-on around town.

“It’s not a bad idea.”

Nick smiled, his expression teasing. “You’ll find I’m full of good ones.”

“Thank you for doing this.” I traced a circle pattern on his chest with my finger. I loved the feel of his skin.

I sensed he wanted to say something, but he kissed me instead. What was he holding back? Did he want more? My heart soared at the possibility even as my brain reminded me it was a bad idea.

He rolled me so that he was on top. He was already hard as he sucked my nipple into his mouth. He worked me up all over again before sliding inside. He braced himself on his forearms on either side of my head so that his body was close to mine.

It was intimate. My heart felt like it was pulled open and vulnerable. He kissed me as we crested together. It was the closest I’d ever felt to another person. Tears pricked my eyes as I squeezed them tightly shut. I couldn’t let him see how he affected me.

I didn’t feel right changing the rules of the game in the middle of it. It wouldn’t be fair to him. Plus, I still wasn’t sure anything more was a good idea. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t get involved with anyone. And I couldn’t ignore that Nick might only be in town temporarily. It would be foolish to fall any deeper with him.

He kissed me. “You okay?”

I opened my eyes, hoping none of my thoughts were outlined on my face. “Better than okay. I’m happy.”

I hoped it was okay to admit that. He supported me. He made me feel good. He looked out for me. And I suspected he’d do more if I asked him to. He was a great guy. One I probably didn’t deserve.

But I felt like he was holding back.

He raised a brow. “Yeah?”

I nodded, my heart twinging a little that he didn’t say anything back. Did he not feel the thing between us? I’d started out wanting only something physical, but despite my best efforts, I was falling for him. What if he didn’t feel the same?

He moved to take care of the condom.

I watched him go, admiring his naked form. If he’d didn’t see it as anything more than sex, I got exactly what I’d asked for. I couldn’t be upset with him. But I should be more careful.

I drew in a breath. I needed to get it together. It was sex. Not a relationship. We wouldn’t tell the boys about us or move in together. We had people we cared about to protect.

Nick came back into the room. “I should head out. The boys will be home soon.”

It wasn’t the first time I wished he said boys and meant us as a family—Nick, Hunter, Brody, and me. We’d live together and get the boys off the bus at our home. It was an unrealistic dream because it couldn’t happen. Not with our pasts. We were better off alone. Even if it hurt. Even if I wanted more.

With a sigh, I grabbed my bra and panties and slid them on. There was no point in wishing for something I couldn’t have.

“What do you have this weekend?” he asked, sitting on the edge of the bed to put on his socks and shoes.

“A wedding. It’s a big one.” The bride agreed on a package but had gone beyond it several times to make special requests. It drove Gia crazy, but she wanted to meet every bride’s expectations. We needed to be more careful about being firm in the future. Gia charged her more to make up for the differences because our time was important.

He stood in front of me. “You’ll be busy then?”

“I usually am on Saturdays. It’s a good things baseball is on Sunday.” I tried to smile, but I couldn’t quite make it happen.

“Do you think Hunter would be okay hanging out with us?”

I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right. “I usually take him to Brooke’s.”

“I know. I thought he might want to work on some baseball stuff.”

“He’d love that.” There was no question Hunter had grown closer to Brody than Ben’s daughter, Cammie. They had similar interests and were on the same team. Plus, both of their dads had let them down.

“So, what do you say?”

“Are you sure you’re okay with that?”

“It seems silly to send him to Ben and Brooke’s when he’d love it here. We can play baseball, video games, eat dinner. It’ll be fun. Brody gets lonely not having a sibling.”

I wasn’t sure if that was the truth or if Nick was just saying that to convince me. “I’ll double-check with Hunter, but I’m sure he’ll be on board.”

Nick smiled wide and stepped into me, taking me into his arms. “I’m happy you trust me.”

That made me pause because I wasn’t sure I did. Sure, I trusted him with Hunter. Nick was a great person, uncle, and coach. I just wasn’t sure I trusted him with my heart.

To save myself from answering, I glanced at the clock on my nightstand and said, “You’d better get going.”

Nick nodded, not acknowledging the way I’d avoided his remark.

I watched him walk out, a mix of longing and frustration coursing through me. I wanted him, but I knew it couldn’t work out. He did too. So, why was I getting in deeper with him by letting him get closer to my kid?

A band wrapped around my chest, tightening more as I thought about the repercussions of Nick and Hunter’s relationship. He was his coach. Someone he respected and looked up to. Now, he was spending time with him, alone, outside practice. It would only confuse him.

When Hunter got off the bus, I smiled and touched his shoulder, knowing he wouldn’t appreciate a hug in front of the other kids.

“What’s for dinner?”

I laughed. “Always thinking about food.”

Inside, I gathered pots to make spaghetti and meatballs. “What do you think about spending Saturday with Coach Nick and Brody?”

“Do we have practice?”

I shook my head slowly. “No. He invited you over.”

“I always go to Aunt Brooke’s.”

“Would you prefer to go to Nick and Brody’s instead? Just this once? He said Brody wants to play baseball. He doesn’t have any siblings either.”

“Or a dad,” Hunter mumbled, and my heart broke for him.

He did feel a connection to Brody because of their similar circumstances.

“Let me know what you want to do. It’s up to you,” I said, filling the large pot with water.

“I want to.”

I let out the breath I’d been holding. It was what I expected, I just wasn’t positive it was a good idea. I texted Nick the news, and he immediately responded with a “Yes!” and several thumbs-up and smiley face emojis.

He was ridiculously excited to spend the day with my son. When had Hunter’s dad ever felt that way? The answer was never. And I was sick of his explanations about what was too hard or if he had a breakthrough with his therapist he might feel differently. He wasn’t going to change, and I needed to get over it.

While I held the phone, waiting for the water to boil, the phone rang. My heart thumped harder when I saw it was Seth.

“Hello,” I said carefully, worried about what the timing of his call meant. It had been months since he’d asked to see Hunter.

“I was hoping I could see Hunter.”

My jaw tightened as I glanced over at Hunter, who’d gotten his homework out of his bag and was working diligently on it. Love for him poured through me. He was mine to protect. I didn’t like how Seth’s calls affected Hunter and me. I almost wished he wasn’t around at all. Because what he was doing wasn’t healthy either.

An ache formed at the base of my skull. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

He sucked in a breath. “You can’t be serious.”

I’d never denied him before. I’d placed reasonable limitations on his visitation. When Hunter was a baby, Seth came to my place and held him. But he wasn’t allowed to go anywhere with him for a long time. And even then, it was short. I wasn’t sure what would happen if Hunter was with Seth when he had one of his episodes where he convinced himself he couldn’t be a dad and left Hunter somewhere to fend for himself.

“We’re really busy with baseball and work,” I said as I turned off the burner on the stove and moved out of the kitchen. I didn’t want Hunter to listen to the conversation. I wasn’t sure how he’d take it if I told his father he couldn’t see him.

“That’s bullshit.”

His words hit me like a ball to the stomach. “You want to know what’s bullshit? This shitty father dance you’ve been doing since Hunter came home from the hospital.”

“I can’t believe this.” His words were full of disdain.

“I’m done with this conversation. This relationship isn’t healthy for Hunter or me.”

“We always said we wouldn’t go to court. You’d let me see him when I wanted to.”

“Yeah, well. Things change.” I’d gotten everything I wanted during the divorce. He was so eager to be rid of us that he gave us whatever I wanted, sole physical and legal custody of Hunter, visitation when I allowed it, several years of alimony, and child support. At the time, he wasn’t working because he was too distraught over having a son, so the support was ridiculously low. I’d never asked for more. Half the time, he didn’t even pay it. It was time to stand up for Hunter and me.

“I never thought you’d be like this.”

I didn’t know what that meant. “I never thought you’d work so hard to have a baby only to bail on him.”

I used to add me to the sentence, but him leaving the marriage was the best for me. What I felt for Nick was something entirely different than I’d felt for Seth.

“You’re having a bad day. I’ll call back later.”

“I won’t change my mind.” But I wasn’t sure if he hung up before or after I issued my vow.

I dropped the phone on the coffee table in the living room. My hands were shaking, my heart thudding painfully in my chest. After years of tiptoeing around his mental health issues and excuses, I felt good finally taking a stand. I should have done it years ago.

He didn’t get the right to be a father on his terms. I was past coddling him and giving in to his desires. He needed to step up or get out. I was done playing things his way.

“Was that my dad?” Hunter asked from the doorway.

I turned slowly to face him, regret coursing through me. “I didn’t mean for you to hear.”

“Thank you.”

I crossed the room to be closer to him. “Why are you thanking me?”

“I get my hopes up, and then he doesn’t come.”

I knew it wasn’t good for Hunter, but I wasn’t sure how aware he was. “I’m sorry.”

Hunter shrugged my hand off his shoulder. “It’s not your fault.”

His words were emphatic. Hunter was getting older, forming his own opinions. I was getting a glimpse of the man he’d become some day. None of it boded well for his father.

“You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to.”

He let out a breath, his entire body relaxing. “That’s good.”

“Do you want to see him?” I asked carefully, unsure of his answer. Had I screwed everything up?

“Not now.” Hunter’s lips pressed together.

I turned on the burner again.

“Am I still going to Coach Nick’s on Saturday?”

“Of course.” My heart twinged for a different reason. Was Hunter replacing his poor excuse for a father with Nick? That wasn’t a good idea either.

It made me feel like I was more in over my head than I’d originally thought.