Chapter 20

Twenty

Finn

W e put our sketchbooks in Finn’s SUV and held Paisley’s hands as we walked toward the park. There were a few kids playing basketball, but the playground itself was quiet.

Paisley took off like a shot as soon as Finn opened the gate of the playground.

“The school shares this playground during the week.”

The sun was shining, warming us in the crisp fall air. Finn stood in the center of the playground so he could keep an eye on Paisley. She raced past us toward the swings. “Push me,” she yelled, and we followed her.

When Paisley arranged herself on the rubber seat, Finn pushed her.

“Higher, Daddy. Higher.”

I sat on the swing next to them. Being here reminded me of the times I took Iris to the playground at our trailer park. The paint was chipping, and each swing elicited a sharp creak, but it brought back a lot of memories. Taking care of Iris, worrying about her, wondering if we’d have food that night for dinner.

I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me helping Iris or my family out financially.

But I couldn’t keep Finn’s concern from my thoughts. Should I be selfish and take care of myself first?

Iris was the one who should go to school. She was twenty-two. It wouldn’t be smart for me to start all over again. I didn’t have the luxury of going to class. I needed a job. The security of it. The safety.

“You want to be pushed too?” Finn asked, his brow cocked.

I laughed, gripping the chains of the swing, and pushed off with my feet. “I can do it.”

I went higher and higher, feeling free and almost out of control. It was a weird feeling. I’d always been careful in every step I made, knowing I couldn’t make any mistakes. But these last few weeks with Finn had been different. I enjoyed letting go with him.

But I saw us as a temporary indulgence. There was no way we could continue like this. He had Paisley, and I had to worry about my job.

We didn’t have the luxury of letting go forever, but it sure felt good at the moment. We swung for a little longer, and then Paisley jumped off and ran for the monkey bars.

“Let me know when you’re ready to go. She’ll stay all day.”

“I don’t mind. It’s a beautiful day.”

“We could grab lunch. There are a few grab-and-go places near the harbor.”

“That sounds nice.” Every Sunday I spent with Finn and Paisley was a memory I’d keep with me forever. They were the perfect family. Finn was protective and caring, and Paisley was fun and sweet.

“And no, you’re not intruding on my day. Paisley likes having you here, and so do I.”

I didn’t argue with Finn, just took the hand he offered as my swing slowed to a stop. He led me over to a bench, and we sat next to each other. To anyone else, we looked like a couple. I felt like I belonged to them.

It was a scary feeling because it felt reckless to think that way. To trust that something could happen between us when I was the only one catching feelings. Finn hadn’t given me any indication that he wanted more. Other than a night in his bed.

And I wanted to experience that too, so I couldn’t blame him.

“What do you say we go out sometime when I’m not performing and don’t have Paisley?” Finn asked, his expression oddly vulnerable.

I licked my lips. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. It will only confuse things further.”

Finn played with the ends of my hair. “Maybe I want to confuse things. Tangle things up.”

“How would that be a good thing?” I didn’t want to get in any deeper with him or Paisley, but I couldn’t seem to help myself.

“We enjoy each other’s company, and I want a night with you. I want you in my bed.”

I crossed my legs. “I want that too. I’m just not sure it’s smart.”

“To hell with smart or what’s right or what anyone thinks. For once in your life, will you just live in the moment? Let go of responsibility.”

“I don’t have the luxury that you do. A trust fund to rely on. Friends and family.”

“You have us, and I don’t touch my trust fund. That’s not who I am.”

“But it’s there if you need it. It’s a security blanket.”

“I’ve never thought of it that way.”

“Why would you? You’ve never known anything different.” I didn’t want to sound jealous or bitter. I was just stating the facts. Ones that Finn never acknowledged, apparently.

“Are you judging me?” Finn asked lightly, but from the tension in his body, my answer mattered.

“No. I’m sorry if that’s how I made you feel. I just wanted you to understand that I don’t have a trust fund to fall back on. I don’t have a safety net or a network of people who’d come to my aid.”

“That’s what you are to everyone else in your life. You help your parents and your sister, but you never think of yourself. Hell, you were living in that awful apartment to save money for your sister. You have a good heart. I just wish you’d take a second to focus on yourself, on what you want. Don’t let life pass you by, giving everything to everyone else.”

“There’s nothing wrong with caring for your family,” I said, feeling a little light-headed at his characterization of me.

“There’s only something wrong with it if it’s at your expense,” Finn said.

His words hung between us, making me uncomfortable.

“You’re a good person, Aria. You’re kind, thoughtful, and so giving, but who takes care of you?”

“I don’t need anyone to do that,” I insisted stubbornly.

Paisley, who’d been swinging from one rung of the monkey bars to another, lost her grip with one hand. Her other still clung to the bar. “Daddy!”

Finn moved to her and held her steady so she could grab the rung with her free hand. He let go but stood nearby in case she needed his help again.

I thought about how I felt the few times Finn expressed concern about my safety. It felt good. Nice, even. Not something I was used to feeling. I was the one who took care of me, and there was nothing wrong with that, but it would be nice to let someone else help me. Finn was on to something, even if I didn’t feel ready to hear it yet.

It wasn’t a conversation you had with a fling. We were supposed to be carefree sex whenever we could find an empty room. If I gave in and give him the night he wanted, how would I feel afterward?

Would I leave with my heart intact? Or would he steal it? I was a giving person, and I was a fool to think I could play around with Finn and not lose myself.

He saw me in a way no one else did. He understood my family dynamic without ever having met them.

The crazy thing was, I had a feeling he’d fit in with my family. He wasn’t anything like my ex. He had a trust fund, and he grew up privileged, going to fancy private schools, but he lived just like me. He worked hard, took care of his daughter, and cared for his family and friends.

He was the whole package. If only he could see the potential that I did. He didn’t need to be his parents. He wasn’t destined to have the same history as them.

And maybe he’d be a better boyfriend or husband because he was aware of the things that could happen when you didn’t work on your relationship.

Finn headed toward me, holding Paisley’s hand. There was something about a father holding his daughter’s hand that sent a pang to my heart.

Finn tipped his head to the side, seemingly aware of the effect he had on me, and asked, “You want to grab hot dogs? There’s a new gourmet stand by the water.”

“That sounds perfect.” I would do anything to prolong this day. I sensed it would be coming to an end all too soon.

“Yay! I love hot dogs,” Paisley cheered as we headed toward the gate to leave.

“You’re easy to please,” I said.

“Kids usually are. They love chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, and hot dogs. If I can squeeze in a vegetable a week, that’s a win.”

“Just one, huh? I think we need to work on that.”

“Veggies are gross,” Paisley said over her shoulder.

“But they’re so good for you,” I said as we took a left onto the road that passed by the water.

“Blah. Blah. Blah.”

“Peppers have vitamin C that prevents you from getting sick. They have vitamins and minerals that you can think of as superpowers. They give you extra abilities.”

“Like I’m going to be able to fly if I eat a green bean?” she asked skeptically.

“Well, no, but you might not get sick as often.” When we were little, my parents could only afford canned fruits and veggies. As soon as I could, I bought fresh ones. They were so much better. I was forever grateful for good, quality food.

“Wouldn’t that be nice?” Finn asked Paisley.

“I guess so.”

“You should grow your own garden this spring. It’s fun.”

“Did you have a garden growing up?” Paisley asked.

“My teachers would hand out seeds occasionally. It took me a while to figure out where to plant them and what they needed to grow, but when I got it right, it was fresh food right in our backyard.”

“That is kind of cool.”

“Right?” I asked as she swung our joined hands. “That’s something you and your dad can work on this spring.”

“Why not you too?” Paisley asked.

I didn’t want to say I wouldn’t be around because it was a long way off, but how did anyone know? “Tell you what, we can check out some books and start planning it. It’s always good to sketch out what it will look like and what you’ll plant where.”

“Really?” Paisley asked, looking up at me.

“Drawing isn’t just for art class. You can draw plans whenever you want to build things too.”

Paisley skipped a little ahead of us, dropping our hands. “That is neat. I think I want to draw houses when I grow up.”

“An architect would be a good job.”

She threw her hands in the air. “I’d draw a mansion with a pool and a basketball court.”

“Is this basketball court indoors or outdoors?” Finn asked her, with his hands in his pockets.

Paisley rolled her eyes like the answer was obvious. “Indoors.”

Finn rubbed his chin. “Mmm. I like this house. Go on.”

“There’ll be a pool with a water slide and a mini-golf course.”

“This place sounds fun,” I said with a smile.

“We could put an arcade in the basement,” Paisley continued.

“A whole arcade?” Finn asked.

Paisley nodded enthusiastically as we walked around other families and couples, enjoying a stroll.

When we reached the hot dog stand, we checked out the menu before ordering. Finn got the works, which looked like too much, so I ordered grilled onions and peppers on mine.

“Just ketchup for me,” Paisley said.

“Ketchup? It’s a gourmet hot dog stand,” Finn said skeptically.

Paisley’s nose pinched as she perused the pictures on the stand. “What are those?”

“Pickles,” the man said.

“I’ll have those.”

“You want a hot dog with pickles and ketchup?” Finn asked, cash in hand.

Paisley nodded. “Yup.”

The man looked at Finn for approval, who nodded. “You got it. Coming right up.”

“If she doesn’t like it, I’ll have to get her another one. I just wanted her to be more adventurous,” Finn said in a low voice to me.

“I think pickles on a hot dog is adventurous.”

“And that’s why I think she won’t like it.”

Paisley saw some birds on the dock area by the water and chased them. “Don’t chase the birds, Pais. It’s not nice.”

She didn’t respond, but she stopped.

We waited a few minutes for the hot dogs and then carried them to a bench by the water.

“I love coming here,” I said, unwrapping my hot dog.

“I didn’t grow up in Annapolis. We were in Roland Park.”

I raised a brow. “Does your family still live there?”

“You don’t move from Roland Park.” Finn said it in such a way that it felt like he was making light of the way he grew up.

I hoped it wasn’t because he felt sorry for me. “When I was growing up, we didn’t get to come here. So I love living close by with Ireland now. I can walk down here on the weekends and enjoy the view.”

“I love the slower pace. I don’t miss the city.”

“Why did you and Ireland move here?” I asked, curious about him.

“I went to St. John’s College, and then I had Paisley, so it made sense to stay. I’d already gotten a job with a local school district. Ireland didn’t want to live near our parents. She wanted some separation, so it made sense to live close to me.”

Paisley came over to us. “Where’s mine?”

Finn sighed, holding the hot dog away from her. “Is there a better way you could ask for something?”

Paisley sighed. “May I please have my hot dog?”

“Coming right up.” He unwrapped it before handing it to her. Then he held his breath while he waited for her to take a bite.

“Do you like it?” he asked.

Her nose scrunched. “It’s all right.”

“That’s high praise coming from a kid,” Finn said cheerfully.

We laughed and enjoyed our hot dogs. Afterward, we slowly walked back to Finn’s SUV, which was near the art store. It had been the perfect day.

On the drive to Ireland’s, Finn said, “You should come to dinner.”

“I’ll let you have your family time.” Besides, I needed some space. Spending the whole day with Finn and Paisley hadn’t done anything to lessen my attraction to them. I was even more enamored with them.

I loved that Finn didn’t want his parents’ way of life, that he didn’t want to be flashy with his money, or even spend it on himself. It might not have been smart, but I liked that he was humble. At the same time, he didn’t think of me as different.

When he found a spot near our building, we all walked up together. Finn tried again to get me to join them for dinner, but I declined. It was important for them to spend time together. I was just a temporary person in their lives.

I couldn’t forget that it wasn’t permanent. Finn didn’t want a relationship. There was no way we could last. We couldn’t even be truthful with Ireland.

No matter how much I wished it could be different, this was our reality.